Unquotable:Yoda

"Fo'shizzle, mah nizzle is. Hmmmmmmmm."

Lucrative source of quotes this Yoda is. Easily parodied by simple rearrangements of common sentence constructions, his sayings are. Beyond this, no one can say. A mystery, his story is.

On himself, Yoda museth:

• "Matter, size does not. At me, look. By my size, judge me, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. ForViagra (and sometimes lightsaber), my ally is, and a powerful ally, it is."
• "Green, I am, but not with envy, as some say."
• "Good relations with the Wookiees, I have. Even better relations with the Furries, I have. Sexual relation with the young padawans, I have. Unable to tell the difference, I often am. Mistaken for a Plushie, I sometimes am."
• "To exile, I must go. Failed, my epic blockbuster fight scene with the Dark Lord has."
• "By L'Oreal, I swear, because worth it, I am!"
• "Wrinkled, green, and flaccid I may be, but insult penis of mine, you shall not, hmmm...!"
• "Fat cow you are, bastard, yes? The father of yours, I know."
• "Drunk now, I may be, but when I wake up, sober, I will be, and stay unattractive, you will. That, I know, but sex with you, nonetheless, I will have, hmmmmmm."
• "Tripod, am I. Have a magnificent Third Leg, I do."
• "Out of landspeeder, I fell, in my youth. Pah! on my head, I landed. A minor damage/hemorrhage at my Broca's area and anterior pituitary, they say I had." - Yoda on his aberrant speech pattern, green skin, and diminutive height.
• "Learn proper syntax from Father, I could not."
• "Talk backwards, I do. To live with it, I try."

On those he dislikes, Yoda spake:

• "Talented in the light side, she was and an alluring, powerful jedi, she grew into, but ope her ponderous, marble jaws and let me probe her dark side, she never did. Instead, with a wimpy intergalactic thief, she did marry and an overweight mother of three bratty kids, she turned into. Into a hideous blonde, her hair, she dyed. A pity, it truly is."
• "Play the violin with his lightsaber, Darth Vader cannot, but play the cello, he can."
• "Ungrateful son of a Hutt, Shrek is! In Donkey's Dark Side, he deserves to be!"

On Jedi, Yoda instructeth:

• "No violent desires or love, a Jedi shall know. A collection of old, untainted but sexually frustrated species, Jedi are."
• "An apprentice, you are. A Master, you are not. Lots of wrinkles and discolored skin, a Master must have."
• "In Soviet Russia, feel you, the Force does, but even there, be reversed to normal, my speech pattern cannot!"
• "Adventure?, huh! Excitement?, huh! Hmmmmmmm. These petty things, a Jedi craves not. Now, a pair of hot green Twi'lek chicks a Yodi 'sandwich' making, a different story, that is!"
• "Jedi? For the fun of it, make up the word, I did."

On Darth Vader, Yoda ponder'd:

• "Silly, his helmet looks."
• "Adept in the Art of the Dark Side, he is. For him, chicks swoon."
• "Emphysema, I wonder if he has."
• "The most powerful Jedi of all time, Anakin was. Such a tragedy he turned to embrace the Dark Side... but when Amidala's sexy body, I saw, I understood."
• "Be afraid, you should not. Only a man with black helmet, he is. To him, stand up! Where you are, stay and fight! Running away, I am not!"

On Princess Leia, Yoda recalleth:

• "'Use the force! Use more force, to me, she said. Hmmmmmmm, I replied, and my lightsaber deep into her dark side, did plunge."

On Shit, Yoda quipp'd

• "Happens, shit does."
• "Do or do not... No doo-doo, there shall be, yes?"
• "Pain, suffering, death near I feel. Happened, something terrible has. Oh, just eat what, did I. Hurry to the John (Williams), I must."

On Emma Watson, Yoda sayeth:

• "A well-endowed actress, she is; surpass her, only a few can. At her career kick-off, I mean, you should look!"
• "F*ck her, I would, if let me, she will. F*ck, I just realized, a Jedi, I am! F*ck!"

On Warcraft, Yoda remarketh:

• "Come from Draenor, I have not. In the swamps of Dagobah, I prefer to be."
• "A level 40 dwarf, I happen to be. Strong in the force, I am, there as well."

On Wikipedia, Yoda lectureth:

• "Factual accuracy, it pretends to have."
• "A tempting target for childish fanboy vandals, my biography is."
• "Much more enjoyable, Uncyclopedia is. For citations, useful, neither are."

On Uncyclopedia, Yoda praiseth:

• "Strong in this article, the Force is."
• "For my page, grateful, I am. Laughed hard, I did."
• "Much more witty and scholarly than Wikipedia, this site is."

On Everything, Yoda ranteth

• "All their bases, to us, belong."
• "So fat, yo' momma is Hmmmmmm."
• "Shakespeare, in spare time, I do read."
• "Friday, it is. God, I thank."
• "Bro, at me, come!"
• "In Finland, perhaps, do well, I will."

Yoda on Your Momma

• "Good sack in, she is"
• "Jump for joy, she did. I believe stuck, she got, hmmmmmm?"
• "Blaaarghh...excuse me while throw up, I do"
• "Your mom, doing I am"