- This article relates to War craft. For other uses of the word, see Warcraft (disambiguation).
“I didn't like the first game because it was a bit too complex for my liking, but I loved how the later games was all about killing as many sheep as possible by clicking on them repeatedly. Was there anything else in the games? I can't remember because that part was so funny.”
“THROW MORE DOTS!!THROW MORE DOTS! OK STOP DOTS!!! WHOOOOOO THE F*** WAS THAT”
Warcraft is a series of computer games created jointly by Blizzard Entertainment, bad mojo and the Illuminati. The game is not actually an independent creation, but was made using the map editor of the much better known game Defense of the Ancients. The latest in this game series is World of Warcraft, an MMORPG which has been keeping nerds locked up in their parent's basements for generations. It's a type of game where social introverts are forced to gather and interact. It's for this reason that many think it's a government plot to get as many nerds and geeks together at once to keep them from making bombs in their basements or developing plans to snipe jocks from the school rooftop. It's most likely for this reason that Warcraft is highly addictive and has often been compared to crack. Why it's addictive has been of great debate in the scientific community. Notable scientists have studied the World of Warcraft; however, no actual work has been done because the damn game is too addictive and every scientist has been sucked into its vampiric embrace. This game has a 1 million % chance to give people absolutely no life and hold them in its world forever; that is to say, if one person even so much as glances at this game while it is running, there is a 100% chance (no saving throw) that they will begin playing later on when alone to nigh-immediately (degree of uncertainty unknown) become horribly addicted and that nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine others will spontaneously become addicted too (after accounting for all likely external variables under a 'best case scenario' environment). When this happens many people then begin to speak in special language called l33t where they use different words and shortcuts as their minds and bodies become very, very lazy (for more information, also see: sudden accent syndrome).
It has been stated by various sources that the concept of Warcraft was first conceived in the writings of Nubiam Pown, an Orthodox monk living in the late 9th century. Many nerds and geeks debate this story, holding true to the fact that the writings are inspired, and the authors/ game creators are prophets spinning tales that will happen in the far off future after the current generation of Republicans let's global warming end the world. This theory however does not hold popular grounds since the series is a convenient rip-off of the popular series of fantasy books by J.R.R Tolkien: The Lord of the Rings which has drunker dwarves, smarter orcs, drug dealing trolls, cuter Gnomes, and, as pointed out by Oscar Wilde: "Hey, there are no deathknights in this story!" (also see: ring wraiths don't cut it, bitch).
The real truth is that Blizzard was inspired by Defense of the Ancients, an often played game which the well known Boreal Conflict creator French_Canadian once summed up as "Heroes, Units, and Linear Paths." Some government sources feel that the creation of World of Warcraft was financed by Saddam Hussein in an effort to locate a safe hiding place for his weapons of mass destruction. Others of the particularly religious right have felt that warcraft is defies gods creations and influences gamers into satanic worship (much like what D&D actually has done, on occasion - also see: Columbrine Summoning). Warcraft expanded the game to include control of units, and somewhat less linear paths, and heroes who could not wtfpwn god in four seconds flat. However, Warcraft has failed to become as popular as Dota, which recently achieved "allstar" status (high tribute for a game) and won 'game of the year' from many publications.
There is also a map for Dota called 'Liquid Tower Defense' in which one player described as "The Essence of God's Right Arm"... er, come on guys, this is a critically important thing to understand! It means that Earth could be overrun with all these pilgrims claiming that the land of Azeroth, Kalimdor, and those other places are the parts of Heaven. I think Kalimdor is Asia, right? Wheww, I think it is the upper part of Heaven as they said in their sacred book, 'The Upbringings of Radical Gaming'. It was written by an Italian priest named Feluccio Compiuttia.
One of the things Warcraft is most renowned for is the fact it invented an entirely new language, somewhat similar to English but not entirely unlike the Romulan dialect on Kleidathu IV (as seen in Star Trek: The Inbred Generation season 4, episode 42). The main characteristic of this new language is how much of it revolves around the word "gay" and it's synonyms and in rare cases, may be combined with 'murloc speech' when using microphones (referred to as 'mics' in the world itself). Here is a glossary of frequently seen jargon which might confuse the gaming newbie, but are considered a "must know" inside the community:
"Ding!" - The player just leveled up. Or he/she feels lonely and wants someone to talk to him/her.
"Lol" - Translation: "I liked that". Of course nobody ever actually laughs out loud when they type this.
"Gratz" - Short form of Congratulations, which the average warcraft player can't spell. This is expected of whenever someone else types ding. If no one congratulates the dinger (while you happen to be vicinity), than you will be fucked by pixies while you sleep, without your parents knowing (or you, since you will never prove it actually happened). No joking around, this ain't funny pal, it's about courtesy!
"Gz" - Short form of Gratz, which the average warcraft player can't be bothered to type.
" Plz " - Used by low life scum who are normally begging for coins in order to survive or require help leveling their char, which they haven't the vast time to invest themselves; often whom have not grasped the concept of spelling 'please'. Really, they're just like hobos. Get a job! Or die! No one should even give the time of day to these low lives. This ain't a communist virtual world!
"LoLWuT?"- A word meaning, 'what?'. Mostly used in the WoW Realm Forums and the City Trade chat Horde side on Alterac Mountains by a Player named Orccrossing (whom we all love).
"It's just game." - Translation: "I fucked up and am trying to create a magical barrier, much like my mage failed in doing, to prevent from getting angrily yelled at." Usually said when one player gets his whole team wiped in either pvp or an instance.
"My main is lvl 60+(level cap according to whatever released expansion)" - This is the player's way of boasting his masculinity, not entirely unlike how human males brag or lie about the size of their penis (also see: epeen).
"Noob" - (Or Nub) The term commonly used to refer to any player lower than level 86.
"Chuck Norris once tried to run his own line of toilet paper, but it failed cause it wouldn't take shit from anybody!" - Or any other Chuck Norris joke is "barrens chat" dialect for when the player wants for people to type more Chuck Norris jokes and for other people to type "OMG STFU!!1."
The insertion of a "1" or simply typing "one" instead of an "!" is demonstrative of the average WoW tadpole addict's ability to express either excitement or shock, whilst clearly highlighting his extensive wordrobe. Female WoW players, usually taking the form of a Species-confused Night elf Druid undergoing an extreme identity crisis tend to have slightly better language (also see: women. No excuses need be made for this grammatical mishap, unfortunately it is commonplace, despite the original answer being merely "sticky keys" (although it has been known that soda and keyboards don't mix unless you, of course, want them to).
There are many different races that reside within the Warcraft universe. Here are some:
Humans: The humans of Warcraft are similar to us, in the way that they are weak, narrow minded and unintelligent. You can power them up by getting them to eat a wide variety of cheeses (and then forcing them to tell others to cover for them while they are held up in outhouses for hours).
Gnomes: Short, delicious little edible bastards, hence why everybody loves them.
Ghostface Killah: Arguably the strongest hero unit in the game. Has a powerful offensive aura that allows all allies to slide through Bethlehem, bong on one wheel. He is also able to turn oppenents into black and green salamander fiends. In addition, he possesses the strongest healing spell in the game, called "mighty healthy".
Dwarves: Fat, gun-nut Ostriches with beards. Like the people who play them, they are lifelong virgins, as they're too unattractive to get laid.
Blood Elves: After their city was destroyed in the third war, the few High Elves that were left became emo and started slitting their wrists. They find that this is the only way to appease their addiction to blood and carried on doing it, hence becoming the Blood Elves. The only known race with two female genders.
Night Elves: Originated when one of the game developers photoshopped a normal naked female High Elf to make it purple. It was then passed around the office. Unfortunately another Game Dev took it seriously and it was implemented into the game by accident.
Orcs: Human body-builders, many of whom which fell into a bucket of green paint while receiving dentures (it was a very large bucket... oh yeah, and they were receiving dentures). This was taken to be an unholy color by the Paladins and the Orcs were chased from the lands. Estrogen non present in supposed "female" orcs. The 'dark horde' was a result of these people raging about the aforementioned accident they had whilst getting their dentures, just about right after the time they discovered that they couldn't sue; thus the underlying cause of all previous wars, prior to WoW.
Draenei: A compilation by the same game developer that photoshopped the gargoyles and combined it with a member of the Blue Man Group and klingons. Again, another Dev took it as the alliance race that was to be Chuck Norris and eventually balanced the entire game.
Trolls: Jewish looking, Caribbean sounding, African tribe acting, blue thingamajigs.
Hulk Hogan: badly shaven guys that look like trolls, special attack: Worst Chokeslam EVER... which basically makes any other attack to fail. These guys are annoying level 56 creatures that keep on following you till you die, constantly screaming HULKAMANIA... this is their most deadly attack because it makes you an Emo, through feeling unmanly about fearing a wrestler (and not watching HULKAMANIA WRASTLIN' ON TSN!!!).
Chuck Norris: A race of only one man, he is a special breed of Chucks bred for this world. Only Chuck Norris is allowed to play them. He has many skills like stare or the roundhouse kick. Once he sees you, and roundhouse kicks you, it's all over. Good luck finding your head in Timbuktu, you hippy. He has cleared the Chuck Norris dungeon SINGLE-HANDILY (with one hand)!!!! Has been known to refer to people who are about to die as 'mister'.
Bruce Lee A race of imortal proportians which kills chuknorrislings any day and can just look at something and kill it instantly and then just for fun jump on its chest screaming like a woman. Also Bruce Lee has divided all games by zero exept for starcraft so jesus can go back to everquest for all he cares.
Gold Farmer: This class is only available to people from China. Designed for maximum gold collecting efficiency and trade channel/mailbox spamming.
The Undead: Dead People. The classes available are Mage, Warrior, Warlock, Priest, Rogue, Rouge, Faintly Contemplating Lilly, And Corpse - The latter being the main choice of geeks who want to be evil and scary and pwn all the n00b alliance players.
Nagas: Snake men who often steal grape drinks, and noobs and leethaxorzpros alike can be found spamming the remark "OMFG NAGA STOLEZ MAH GRAPE DRINK GHEY!1ONE" with macros in trade chat. They live at the bottom of the ocean where all the sewage goes and are for some non-immediately made evident reason, waiting for authorization from Blizzard Entertainment to surface and wreak havok in the barrens (considering blizz has legal rights to the ocean). Where they will undoubtedly be pwned by CHUCK NORRIS.
Venners: The leetest of people in WoW can be called a Venner. A venner looks remarkably like a draeni with a triangle head. They are OG as you say.. Original Gangsta! (noted in 50 cents or 'fiddy sents' songs)
Frank the Feral Tank: A druid on the scryers realm. Likes guitar and is a legend. Is also a good kid.
Leo: A fisher boy in Hoppy's class. Put him in front of a computer and he will not move for at least 30 hours. Much of this time will be spent playing warcraft and eating custom made double pounders.
Murlocs: Freaky fish guys apparently from the ocean. Only class is Fish, which is just 1337h4x. Related to Naga in several ways, they have no clear language but apparently go "Grbglbrbglrbglrbr" to commune.
Your Mum: That's right. Your mum is a race on the game!
Bard: Fuck off.
Druid: They can transform into pedobear, kittens and giant staplers! RAWR~
Emo: A class which was scrapped up before the game was released because they were too powerful (and gay). Their most powerful ability was nag, which did "+9000" DPS, and were able to turn into sperm cells. Strangely enough, they were also the most powerful defensively with their 'whine' stance; when interviewed about this, blizzard responded "Well emos tend to whine a lot, so like, we had to give them something to reflect that too, y'know."
TechnoViking: A tank class in Warcraft. They are masters of emitting a terrifying aura that renders enemy defense powerless. They tend to designate their next kill with the point of a stern finger. Direct descendants of Odin, their minions please them with offerings of awkwardly handled water-bottles in hopes that Odin will grant them favors. They are illiterate, and so any parchment of paper delivered by the gods to the TechnoVikings are torn apart in several halves for reasons unknown.
Hunter: A class too weak to fight for themselves, so they get an animal friend to kill things for them and ensure that no one pulls the plug while they're on life support. Explosive shot spam = insta-win. They also have a spell to make themselves look dead, yes they like dying that much.
Mage: Blows stuff up with flashy fireworks while chanting in Hindu.
Paladin: If a warrior and a priest had a useless (but insanely hard to kill) baby... They are favourite among amputees due to the fact that the only use 2 buttons meaning toes or even testicles are ample replacements for a pair of hands.
Priest: They can't necessarily kill anything by themselves, so they heal a monster hoping to coax it away, thus leaving the priest alone. (For Shadow spec. priests, see warlock.)
Rogue: The rogue can use the simple tactic of continuous stuns and poisons to kill just about anyone except an idiot with a warrior who happened to specialize in protection; however, most of the time they just spend their timing standing in stealth laughing at the idiots farming each other.
Rouge: Quite like the rogue, except it uses confusion and the power of bright blush makeup to turn invisible as ghost step in D&D. Only people who use poor grammar and/or spelling often can actually catch it off guard while this stealth is active (it's ghost step ability makes it even harder to detect than rogues).
Shaman: A class with not enough healing spells to be a healer, not enough DPS (damage per second) spells to be a DPS character and armor that's too lousy to be a good tank. Tauren shamans are the best, as they have a nice smoky buffalo flavor when slow roasted. Shamans suck at just about everything except when you have an entire party of them (seeing as they can do just about anything short of rogues and rouges). Only really useful for Bloodlust or the gay alliance version Heroism
Warlock: FACE MASH!! A mage who can fear. Also likes to snort semen. A fairly gay class, being able to kill you 3 minutes after you kill them. Sticky Fingers, one famous Orc Warlock, is the most world renown Warlock in the world... of Warcraft. Being Gul'dan of course.
Warrior: Though tough, they mostly refer to their weapon as "Smashy Crush-Crush", and have abnormally large teeth, and occasionally eat through their butt while punching small children in the asshole. This class is mostly chosen by American immigrants who eat their own earwax.
Ocho-Ocho: Blessed with insane strength, the ability to make grown men cry with a single insult, and the ability to chug vodka & cranberrys at an incredible rate; it is widely considered to be the most dangerous creature in Warcraft. Completely unkillable, the only way to escape from this creature is to call him girlfriend and rat him out for drinking before noon.
John Howard: Similar to the Hunter in many ways. He too is a coward, but instead of using animals to fight for him, he summons a thing of "not so small" proportions (that's what she said), Peter Costello. Also uses his brow as a magic wand and thus automatically succeeds on all Use: Magic Device checks concerning it.
Mohawks: The most famous Mohawk is Mr T with his Lvl 999 Night Elf Mohawk. Mohawks have the most powerful spell in the game "YOU GONNA MEET MY FRIEND PAIN!" where the enemy runs away in fear for a thousand miles but is still killed. Players using this class are required to impersonate Mr. T so that jokes involving Mr. T will get old fast. Those that don't are considered 'fallen' and have all of their abilities associated with Mohawk levels removed.
I pity the fool who aint a night elf Mohawk! -asDCLAKDHCBLAKDCB
Domestic Engineer: For those people who want to play Warcraft but also be a pacifist in the game and avoid fighting. They can bake pies and cakes for other players and level up that way. They also clean up guild houses and remove bodies from the battlefield to give them proper burials. Only pussies choose this class. It is among the most popular classes so far as it is quite useful in PvE.
History of Azeroth
Once upon a time, there was a planet called Dran’Outland and another planet called Azeroth. Some humans and some high elves lived on Azeroth, as did some gnomes and some dwarves. On the horde continent of Azeroth (as opposed to the Alliance continent which was also called Azeroth), there were some tauren, some “smart” and "stupid" undead, and some trolls. The jungle trolls were playable, but the other trolls were emo.
At one point, the high elves had a crisis. The night elves were like “We’re hot!” and the high elves were like “Bitch, please, we are so much hotter!” Then there were no high elves, only night and blood elves. The blood elves were addicted to magic and had some weird sort of fetish for mana worms. The night elves sometimes liked to play Happy Tree Friends with the tauren (it doesen't exist actually, they made up some lame game), except when they were doing PvP (in which case, they would spontaneously kill each other, as every player knows).
So, meanwhile, orcs were like “Oh, look- a big portal! I'm going in for queen and country! Billy Jay, you's up next.” and were thus ported from Dran’Outland to Azeroth. They accidentally landed on the former troll capital, so they had to work together to build a new one called Ogrimmar. Then the orcs decided that they didn’t like humans, and the trolls decided they like to eat people, and so then Warcraft 3 happened.
Some time around then, there were some nasty troggs of the level 30 elite ish variety who hit up Gnomeregan. The poor gnomes accidentally learned the hard way that pesticides for invaders can also be carcinogenic for one’s own race; despite their level knowledge: Science and Technology. So, the gnomes who did not turn green fled to live in a Tinkertown - literally the size of a coffee shop, and probably replaced some failing dwarven coffee shop, considering dwarves are dwarves and not human dwarves - in Ironforge (hell, they probably called gnomes dwarves, for all we know).
Ever since, gnomeregan has been retconned to no longer exist - yet, gnomes still exist in some sort of time/space paradox of their own probable devising (call it 'player love', if you will).
All sorts of lovely things occurred and then the universe was magically transformed into World of Warcraft, the world itself spontaneously replaced by higher resolution pixels. The gods then declared, “We are successful and therefore could use, no wait... REQUIRE an expansion pack!” So, the wrath of the gods unleashed legions of demons known to those who've been paying attention as the BURNING CRUSADE (all caps for indicating how slim the chances of surviving when in their path... o snap, it were gonna all be like Tienmen Square all over again, homeslice!) upon the world of Azeroth and made lots of glowing things temporarily suspend PvP so characters could make demons dead and thus foil the invasion (which was what the demon overlords originally wanted, players can only assume). The Happy Tree Friends weren't so enthusiastic about this, considering it took even more time away from kids watching their youtube videos.
All the dranei were happy that the orcs had left, but unfortunately, some great evil came and gave all of them Russian accents and most of them evil personalities. The nonevil dranei left Dran’Outland and crashed with their spaceship to Azeroth where they were sexy but the men were barrel-chested, after which fetishes for cloven hooves became tollerable in public.
But I mean, not really, since there's still plenty of pot left in the world for Blizz to smoke and come up with more expansions and nerfs for warrios, amirite? High five.
P.S. The blood elves were hiding until the Burning Crusade came out, at which time we could play them, though we were still pissed that you couldn't be a neutral goblin!
Justifying the Worgen
In the new patch we get to play as these homosexual wolves, called 'worgen'. Good job to the 'furry' fetishist that came up with that.
The following was a recorded conversation leak that took place just prior to the release of Cataclysm - recorded by a clandestine fan boy:
"Furry-love is a growing market base that has its own, entrenched, integral justifications!" Said a blizzard entertainment marketing representative.
"What d'you mean why, Harry?"
"What justification is there, why are we doing this?"
"I just gave you the justification!"
"I sent it off to design to mull over. They'll agree with me after I *cough*bribe them with strippers and beer*cough*."
"Wait... you mean you already sent it off?"
"Okay whatever, it's done. *drawn out sigh* I mean, I get what you're saying. Appealing to new horizons. New bases, etc., etc..."
"You damn well better understand! If you ignore market representatives like me, you'll be sorry! This company will collapse under its own weight!"
"*recoils in fear* Yessir!"
It is believed that the design team agreed to the changes set forth to their 'new races' plan. They were then horribly set upon by sodomizing furries, during an arranged event that was previously thought to involve 'strippers and beer'. The marketing representative then quit his job without two weeks notice, and fled, never to be seen again. Blizzard lawyers believe that this man may have been seeking 'revenge' for some past sin that the avatar of Chris Metzen might have unknowingly dealt upon him, during one of his many throws of dementia that spontaneously occur during public speaking seminars to fans.
Where am I? I think the person beside me (whoever you are) should answer that question. Idon'tevenknowwhatIamdoinghere...
Warcraft: The Movie
Rumours are spreading on the internets about the production of a major motion picture set in the Warcraft universe by Jive Pictures. The film is rumored to be a blaxploitation flick about a Brother Orc who is taking the law into his own hands by escaping from the white Alliance mofo's who are trying to run him down. Game player Steven Amos is currently busy shooting the film in his backyard. The movie however is not scheduled to be released until September 02, 2023, since his neighboring cat constantly refuses to coöperate in its role as the tiger of "High Priestess Tyrande" played by his own mother. Other relatives of Amos fill the remaining spots of the cast. His dad will be representing an entire orcish army, with the exception of the orcish leader, who will be played by Amos himself.
The undead shall be played all by Ian McDiarmid, Michael Jackson and Muhhamed Jihhad, because their looks were said bring to 'life' the undead. The Nightelves shall all be played by an African tribe of naked woman. The humans will be picked from retarded dwarf looking midgets and use stupid lines such as "A horse kicked me once, it hurt" and "You're the king? Well I didn't vote for you." This movie will consist of random armies fighting each other, and finally end with the humans building towers everywhere on a map to kill the enemy, because thats what happens in real wars.
Nerd's everywhere will soon fuck their computers(Oh snap, is dat a broken link?) when this movie comes out and they can finally see a woman naked, on the off chance that they are in blissful ignorant of the existence of real pornography. However they are pathetic enough to believe Night Elves actually exist. They will dress up as male Night Elves in the attempt to get free sex. This effort will be thwarted when the acne bursts out of their costumes all over the girl. This article has all of those prophecies wrapped up right and organized in an easy-to-recall fashion riiiight in here *points to author's slanted forehead*.
All that is known about the cast is that Fuck Norris will be playing half of all the human males characters sporting this springs Big Voodoo Pants from Prada Europe.
Assuming he agrees to the contract of course; his disagreement could mean putting this stint off another decade (proper actors are hard to come by; especially when you got loads of cash, man).
The average warcraft player is thinly disguised as a young, attractive and sexy being when as a matter of fact they are usually fat, ugly, single, sexually alienated, bigot nerds, while the author of this article is immune to that definition and all others in reference to being a hypocritical bigot homophobe (I'm serious, I've got resistance 80 to type: hypocrite curses, so I'd languish in seeing you try when my hunter alt gives me a hand job, bitch).
- If people make fun of you for playing Warcraft just use mana burn, hex, death coil, summon water elemental, and big bad voodoo, teleport(in that order)
- Sun Tzu was greatly inspired by the game Warcraft while writing his Pulitzer Prize-winning novel Pride, Prejudice and Pillaging.
- Around 6,998,341,345 people are not playing WoW at this moment.
- For unknown reasons, most WHOA (WoW for the IQ impaired) players claim that all internet slang is from WHOA. "KEK" means "LOL" because its translated like this in Orcish, and not because it's a short form of kekekekeke used by Korean gamers for almost a millennia now. If you do not know what the fudge kekekeke means, its simply because you haven't celebrated your 15th birthday yet, and because you play WHOA on a regular basis (instead of starcraft).
- Peter Jackson filed a lawsuit against Blizzard for stealing his idea of the undead, and warcraft, from his film The Frighteners
- It's just a better version of Starcraft on land.
- The WNF paid three golden coins and 20 lumber from an ancient Aztec treasure in order to get its symbol the panda incorporated into the game. Blizzard however screwed them over after they discovered the coins turned them into pirate skeletons, by making the panda a drunk, lazy and lame character in the game.
- Men are the only demographic, pretty much. The few Women actually look like Men, or it's Trap.
- If all your friends(that's if you have any, which is unlikely)are playing warcraft games and are pushing you into purchasing it by means of peer pressure, then calmly respond to them by saying "Yeh r1t3, i g0tz 1337 ski11z on my (category of game you play, ie. FPS) g4m3s an 1 4int g1v1n em up 4 sh1t. U g0 pl4y ur gh3y WOW and/0r W4rcr4ft 111 g4m3s, stuff you gh3ys!"
- Blizzard Entertainment(the makers of Warcraft) and Jagex(The makers of RuneScape) hate each other with an endless torrent unrelenting malice. The players and makers of both games bust the other's balls constantly by debating in a endless fight, whose game is better. What neither producer knows is that they both suck equally hard, just like the creators of Halo, Half-Life, Guild Wars, and Grand Theft Auto: Afghanistan