Aristotle (384 – March 7, 322 BC) was an ancient Geek, a philosopher, a student and pederastic partner of Plato, and teacher and sexual partner of Alexander the Great. He wrote books on many subjects, most of which he had no knowledge of and pretty much BS'd. These random subjects included physics, poetry, zoology, logic, rhetoric, government, biology, linguistics, Egyptian mythology, Chinese philosophers, Aristotelianism, Platonism, early Christianity, Existentialism, Rationalism, philosophes, democracy in America, Communism, Capitalism, and Anarchism. He is generally regarded as the greatest western philosopher, despite being factually wrong about almost everything he said.
Aristotle on Politics
- "Law is order, and good law is hella tight."
- "Man is by nature a political animal. Woman, however, is by nature a whiny animal."
- "Plato thought Philosophers ought to rule the republic from ivory towers, I think we err... they ought to rule from huge bath tubs filled with rutabegas and sour cream."
Aristotle on Rhetoric
- "We are what we continually eat. Feta, then, is not a cheese, but a habit."
- "Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities.... Wait.... What did I just say?"
- "Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him? Either way, I pity them both."
- "True knowledge is in the comprehension of the forms, and right now I know that I have misrepresented myself in a number of the forms given to the internal revenue service, I have knowledge of this and hence I am better for it."
- "Reason is that which one can know he does not know that he would like to possibly know if he didn't know how to."
- "The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is living the rest of your life in student debt."
Aristotle on Animals
- "Thus logic dictates that squirrels must be cute and fuzzy."
- "I never met an animal I didn't like (roasted)."
Aristotle on Ethics
- "Life in the true sense is perceiving, thinking, or huffing kittens."
- "Even I cannot understand Nicomachean Ethics."
- "P requires us to honor a voiceless bilabial plosive over a voiced labiodental fricative, unless, of course, it is followed by H."
- "Taking offense at something is a consious choice one makes. And when one takes offense, they are being indignant. Indignance, on behalf of one's own self is called being self-rightous. Being indignant on someone else's behalf is called being an imperialist wanker who can't mind your own business.."