Abdul Alhazred

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A rare photograph of Abdul Alhazred, taken in early 1875 at his Arabian retreat by Oscar Wilde.

“This guy's crazy.”

~ H. P. Lovecraft on Abdul Alhazred

Abdul Alhazred is a subjective interpretation of an advertising phenomenon of the genera Archaeoglobus Ferroglobus built by an expert in the ancient art of Lovecraft, famous for his posthumous work in the dark arts of pottery and economics (possible mistranslation - 'Dark arts and pottery and economics?).

Abdul Alhazred is the famed author of the Velcronomicon (often misattributed under a variety of different titles), a motivational self-help recipe and politically-subversive satirical children's cartoon aimed at the 15-to-78 year-old warlock demographic.

Quotes from Abdul Alhazred[edit]

"That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die. But seriously though, who really believes this shit? I once knew a guy who thought he saw Sasquatch but it turned out to be a really big beaver."

"Alright, so, like, there's this thing, right? And it's like totally not a normal thing, like an alien but in some trans-neo-hyper-elite-dimension thing, okay? And there's this thing like a person with an octopus face and wings in this totally BIGASS undersea city, yeah? And there's this government coverup so you don't know the TRUTH about the untold horrors of stygean chaos, man. It's not like Yog-Sothoth opens the gate, more like Yog-Sothoth IS the gate... Oh yeah, pass the bong."

"Ever been to Arkham? Me neither."

"Your writing is crap. Needs more tentacles."

"This one time, at band-camp, I summoned up a transdimensional entity to eat the souls of all mankind... no, I'm not joking... what? yes! it's true! Alrright, I'll give you what you want to hear, it stuck a tentacle up my anus. There. Are you happy now? WELL ARE YOU?!"

"Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods! The Black Goat of the... oh, fuck, can we take this from the top? Ah, this is one for Denis Norden alright. Man, he's wacky. Yeah, wacky. Well I think he's funny, and if you don't you can FUCK OFF."


Abdul Alhazred as Mr. Darcy and Jane Austen as Lizzie in the 1872 Moving Pictures Co. adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.

Abdul Alhazred has acted in:

  • Pride and Prejudice (1872) - Mr Darcy
  • The Dream-Quest for Unknown Kadath (1961) - Narrator
  • Euclid's Magical Time Journey (2066) - Simeon Bird
  • Yog-Sothoth and the Mistery Machine (2078) - Abdul Alhazred
  • Yog-Sothoth Returns (2082) - Abdul Alhazred
  • Yog-Sothoth Forever (2086) - Silvester Stallone
  • Yog-Sothoth Reloaded (2089) - Wachowski Brothers
  • Yog-Sothoth Recompiled and Distributed on Java Platforms (2091) - documentary on the making of Yog-Sothoth Returns
  • The Return of Yog-Sothoth Returns: Reloaded (2092) - Cthulhu H. Christ
  • Dr. Selflove, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Masturbation (2098) - Bukkake Man
Abdul Alhazred on public screens in the year 2102. It is quite surprising that at the dawn of the 22nd century, cornflakes and Argos are still around. Bondage and Brian Blessed, however, are less so.

Abdul Alhazred has also been a part of the crew in the following movies:

  • The Doom That Came To Sarnath (1820) - Optical Recording Device Operator
  • Cadfael: Rock And Roll (1956) - Gaffer
  • The Viator (1999) - (producer, director, writer)
  • The Passion of the Nyarlathotep (2006) - (producer, director, writer, catering)
  • My Underage Ass Wants Your Cock (2009) - Director
  • David Attenborough - The Resurrection (2041) - Producer
  • Cadfael: Roll The Rock (20 BC) - Gaffer's Manager's Assistant's Brother-in-Law

Achievements of Abdul Alhazred[edit]

Abdul Alhazred participating in the D-day Landings in 1944.
  • Was voted sexiest man in Sarnath twelve years running by entities unknown.
  • Was also considered (but rejected) for the role of Stephen Hawking in the upcoming film "Science Versus Jesus VI - The Showdown".
  • Although not many people ever knew the truth, the television series Thundercats was originally created by Abdul Alhazred and William Shakespeare sometime in the late 16th century.
  • Introduced tentacle porn to the Japanese during the American occupation after World War II.
  • Starred in every roll in the popular Television show The Love Boat
  • Was involved in the construction team which built Mexico.
  • ghost-wrote 98% of all American television soap operas. Also played the part of 29% of the soap opera extras for the payment of one cheese sandwich a day.
  • Died in 2106 AD through too much kitten huffing, and again in 2117 AD when he duelled with Galileo.
  • Wrote the book My First Necronomicon

See Also[edit]