Jewish History
“Don't blame me.”
“The estimated age of Israel is 60 years.”
“I just wanted to be more famous than John Lennon.”
“I just wanted to give them a climactic ending. But would they have it? NO!”
On the sixth day God created man and he saw that it was very good. Sometime after the sixth day but before the seventh he cut half of the man's penis off, and he saw that it was excellent. But creating the heavens and earth was tiring work, so God thought the man might as well do it himself. Thus God took a rib out of the man and created woman, and said "Boy I'd sure like one of those for myself one day!" And so he let the man and the woman get on with it and has been voyeuristically watching ever since.
The Beginnings: Abraham, Itzhac and Jacob[edit]
Although the proof exists that there were several Jews before him, like Adam, Noah, or Eber; most investigators claim that a Chaldean youngster called Abram, who lived about the time of King Hammurabi, was the first. One day he told his father Terach, "Hey, I'm not a Chaldean any more, from now on I'm a Jew, deal with it". Shamash, the God of Justice (the one who dictated the Code of The 282 Laws to Hammurabi) got so shocked that he immediately backtracked young Abrams records saying "Go away from your father's house, smash all his moving statues and away from your homeland". Abram trashed the idol shop and was so ashamed the he changed his name to Abraham so no other Chaldean would recognize him and promised to find a new home for he and his wife Sarai (disguised now as Sara), in the land of his dreams: a land of honey and milk for every stranger, the promised land, the holy land. But he should have taken a left turn at Armenia and got to Canaan instead.
When he arrived Abraham felt a strong need to kick the Palestinians out, but they didn't exist yet, so he got really bored. Then he went to a tent and fucked his wife non-stop for 50 years, until he got her pregnant at the age of one hundred. The Arabs believe that one day Sara started with the "I have a headache" thing, so Abraham got his maid pregnant. Sara understood the message: she kicked the slave and the baby bastard out. Sarah finally gave birth to another boy who was so incredibly ugly, that even his own mother laughed at him and called him Isaac (in Hebrew: Itzchak, from the word "laugh"). Islam says he loved Ishmael more and tried to use him as the sacrifice and that he secretly paid Hagar and his other concubine Keturah visits disguised as business trips so Sarah wouldn't know, and that during one of these family camping trips he built the Kaaba art gallery and the Zam Zam water park.
Isaac was, less retarded than his father, got married at the age of 40 to his Chaldean cousin, the lovely Rebeca who was fifteen years older than him but more importantly not a Canaanite.
Isaac had two children with her, then never touched her again; the two brothers were called Jacob and Esau. They were young and had no television, only occasionally getting tickets to angel wrestling, so they bickered constantly in the back seat of the chariot. But eventually the bullying and monopolizing their father's love got too much and Jacob ran away. Like many wrestling fans he married his cousins Leia and Rachel and cheated on both with his slaves Bala and Zelpha. The Mean Jacob, even less respectful of women than his father and grandfather, made 12 boys from two wives and two slaves. He also had a girl, but of course, she doesn't count.
Some say Abraham, Isaac and Jacob sold their souls to an Arab genius known as God, who paid them with a written paper which stated that Jews are the legal owners of Canaan for all eternity, a paper known as The Torah, delivered a few centuries later to Moses. Others say they only sold the the unnecessary skin on the top of their penises for the promise of long lasting virility and eternal descendance. That belief gave birth to the myth about the great business and economic skills of the Jews. However, nowadays Jews regret that their forefathers didn't sign for protection against Aman and his gang of time traveling evil rulers (A.T.T.E.R).
Egypt[edit]
Joseph and the arrival[edit]
Joseph was Jacob's second youngest son. He had superpowers. At the age of 5 he made twelve wheat sticks disappear using only his brainwaves. At the age of 18 he dared to try the same trick with twelve stars, the moon, and the sun. That was a disgrace for the family honor, so his brothers sold the bastard to an Egyptian slave trader. He became a very valuable slave, given that he was one of the few in Egypt with such and advanced reading level, including both regular reading and dream reading. He was quickly bought by the Egyptian minister of information, propaganda, surveillance and social oppression( also called 'minister of enlightment of the masses' sorta like Gobbells), Amalek.
Joseph was better in bed than most Egyptians, according to the report given by the minister's wife, after being found in a compromising position with Joseph against her will (yeah, of course we all believe her). Joseph also claimed it was against his will (yeah, of course we believe him too), but Amalek sent him to prison anyway. But his superpowers got him out of prison and straight to the Pharaoh's office. The Pharaoh accepted him as his right hand after Joseph revealed that Omri Sharon ate seven fat cows that had previously eaten seven thin cows each. Joseph married a Pharaoh's relative, Asenet, from whom he had two sons: Ephraim and Manasses, who never liked the idea of being half Jew. Asenet was such a hotass but still not enough for Joseph's appetites since he was found squeezing the Pharaoh's wife too. The Pharaoh got so mad at Joseph that he decided to enslave all the Jews who were only 70 people by that time (Joseph's 11 brothers and their wives, who were all their Chaldean cousins too, and Joseph's 48 nephews, most of them diseased-born due to 3 generations of inbreeding). Joseph's great grandson, the historian Josephus Flavour, demonstrated centuries later that Joseph's affair with the Pharaoh's wife was just an excuse, and the Pharaoh was actually Aman's Time Travelling Evil Ruler number 001 (A.T.T.E.R 001) also known by his other nicknames: Tutankhamun, Ramses the Second and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the First. Amalek had, meanwhile, bolted and set up suicide bomber camps with the intention of blowing up Joseph's people, but the Amalekites, as they became known, mostly succeeded merely in shouting insults at one another and blowing each other up.
The good ol' days[edit]
The Jews kept inbreeding with their cousins, grew from 70 to 600,000 people in few generations, and were forced by Pharaoh to build the landing platforms for the spaceships of the aliens who built the pyramids.
Leaving with Moses[edit]
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Actually, being a slave wasn't that bad. Yeah, sure, due to their inbreeding, the Pharaoh had to discharge thousands and thousands of Jew male babies born deformed or mongoloid, and Jews were forced to do the hardest and most humiliating jobs, but they still had real bread, and at least some peanut butter for the Matza. However, the pyramids the city of Ramses was about to be finished and the Jews were afraid of being bored. So, they planned a little trip to the Sinai peninsula to divide the Red Sea and do some good fishing. The Pharaoh didn't agree this was a good idea. Bad for him. His stepbrother, Moses, who, like Abram, decided he was a Jew too, was also invited and had no intention of changing his plans. Together YHWH and Moses unleashed nine terrorist plagues that would earn the Jews their freedom from the Egyptians. He also had a spooky ornate box that melted nearly as many people as Pinhead's puzzle cube.
Having beaten the Egyptian gods in a game of Senet, YHWH was so happy that he metamorphosed himself into a burning bush. As a reward he gave Moses the Torah and some tablets, and forbid every Jew to covet their friend's woman; but made it up to them by giving them free reign on 3 year old Midianite war brides.
Age of Judges: Samson[edit]
When the Jews returned to the land of Israel (another name for Canaan, adopted many centuries later to convince the Roman emperor that this guy Akiva "is real headache"), they took over the power so they would not take the rist to become someone's slaves any more. There were no Palestinians yet, but plenty of other people they conquered: Amorites, Hitites, Filistines and others. Although God told Joshua to "kill all those Canaanite scum, and their wives, and their kids, and their bulls, and their goats, and their sheep, and their geese, and their chickens", Joshua spared the lives of a lot of them who were never grateful and, instead of behaving humble as good minorities, decided to engage in racial riots against the new lords of Canaan. Also, they were busy worshiping Asherah and Ba'al, and the religious snobs didn't like that. That's where the mighty Judges come in. They were pretty unfriendly people, always judging everyone and tattling to God every time the Jews flirted with other deities (see: Avoda Zara). Because of this, Israel would be disturbed by some minority rioters named the Edomites or the Hittites or the Andalites or the Parasites or the Sodomites and a judge would come in and pwn their ass, at least until Israel decided God wasn't cool again.
Samson is the most known of the Judges because he at least had some style. He won a Fashion TV award for cutting neither his hair nor his ears for his entire life. Rumors say he was also very strong, however, many experts such as Hulk, The Thing, Sinbad, Superman, and Stephen Hawking deny it.
When Samson died, 72 different new lice species were found on his head.
Age of Kings[edit]
See: Jewish Kings.
First Foreign Conquerors: Assyrians, Babylonians and Persians[edit]
After the Judges and the Jewish Kings came the foreign conquerors.
Assyrians were much like the modern day Syrians, but they spoke AAAAAAAAA. Due to their linguistic disadvantage they were easily repealed. They were seriously weakened after destroying the northern kingdom of Israel without results. They just couldn't find any clue about the Ten Lost Tribes.
So the Babylonians, descendant of the old Chaldeans, took over. Nebukanezzer, King of the Babilonians, heard about the Jewish being descendants of his old countrymen Abram who had angered the gods by resigning the Chaldean citizenship, so he decided to force them back to Chaldea. He also planned to use their well-known slave labor and construction experience to finish building the Tower of Babel, also known as the Burj Dubai. But the Tower fell during an earthquake the same day the Jews arrived. The Babylonians couldn't communicate with each other anymore, so they pulled back. The legend says, the Babylonians won't get over until Dirk Gently brings the Babel fish to earth. However there are several rumours that they built the Babylon System, Babylon 5 and the Babylon Lottery (see: Jorge Luis Borges) in case they come back to power. Aman's Time Traveling Evil Ruler 012 Saddam Hussein, was elected as their leader right before the first Gulf War.
Many Jews felt bad about their Babylonian cousins, so they still moved to Babylon, where they used to cry by their rivers, write the Talmud and The 1001 Nights, eat falafel and shawarma and smoke narguila. However, some Jews (especially the descendants of Ephraim and Manasses who were half Egyptians and were not caring) got bored with that and went further to highlands of Persia. One of those who moved to Persia dumped there a stub of the Talmud which was later found by a Persian boy called Zoroastrus and made into his own book.
Then the Persians took over the whole Middle-East, but the Prince of Persia didn't find the bottle to fill his life energy after a specially hard fight against Ezra and Nehemias, so he let the Jewish people go, back to Israel. At this point, a bunch of people with a charitable bent started playing "help the bum", and decided to call themselves Samaritans. There was only one problem: they didn't know homelessness. So they had to pretend they had no houses and had raggedy clothes, a premise which led to a lot of charitable sexuality and gift giving, and hanky panky. Those histrionics attracted a widespread following, and soon the Jews (who were in the vicinity) became jealous. So they set up their OWN charity centers with improved facilities, such as Jacuzzis. Then the Jews unwisely decided to rebuild their temple - a temple which had been run over with bulldozers and garbage trucks - and the Samaritans and Jews started arguing about who gets to rebuild the temple. The Jews completely rejected the Samaritans, so the latter stomped off and built their OWN temple, on Mount Fuckahoe.
Aman strikes back[edit]
Well, most of the Jews left Babylon and moved back to Israel; but the tribes of Ephraim and Manasses --who had rediscovered their Egyptian roots when they got bored of the Babylonians-- decided they shouldn't be any longer Jews, Chaldeans or Babylonians, became renegades and started reading the Zend-Avesta and marrying Persians. By that time, Mordechai and his nephew, the beautiful girl Hadassa, changed their names to Mardonius and Esther and started saying they were Persians. Mardonius got a good job with a good salary as a Minister to the young Persian Emperor Artaxerxes and as he wanted to hook up his nephew to the King of the Kings, he intrigued Artaxerxes's wife, Vasti, with her husband by asking the Emperor to invite the Empress to do a pole dance for their ministers, so all the noblemen of Persia would know how hot was Vasti's ass. Vasti obviously got so much angry that she asked for divorce, and after Vasti had left Artaxerxes carrying away half of his assets, the King of the Kings decided he would be marrying a dumber girl who wouldn't be ripping him off everything on the divorce court. So Mardonius sent Esther to the palace of Artaxerxes in Persepolis and told her to enter his bedroom without being invited. Well, there was a law in Persia that said that anyone who entered the Emperor's bedroom without being invited would be sentenced to death, so when Artaxerxes saw Esther entering his room that way, he though, "Wow this girl must be the dumbest girl in the whole Empire from Ethiopia to India, doesn't she know she would be sentenced to death for that?" and he decided to marry her. So Esther became the Queen of the Queens.
Few days after, Aman the time traveller arrived in Persia and took the place of one of Artaxerxes's ball-lickers and told to the King of the Kings: "There is too much Jews marrying Persians in Persia, the purity of the White Aryan Indo-European Iranian race is at risk, we must secure the existence of Iranian people and a future for Iranian children, you need to pass a law like those the Pharaohs use to do about them and blah blah blah blah".
Artaxerxes started thinking about decreeing or not that all the Jew babies would be killed in the day of the Purim which was in some Tuesday in February. When Esther heard about that, she confessed to Artaxerxes she was Jewish too and asked Artaxerxes not to do that. Artaxerxes got so angry when he learnt Esther lied to him about being just part-Armenian that he signed the decree in a heartbeat. Fortunately Mardonius was a great falsifier and he falsified Artaxerxes' signature on another decree allowing the Jews to purchase machine-guns to defend their offspring on the day of the massacre, and the Jews not only defended their babies but killed all the Persians instead. Mardonius also killed Artaxerxes and took his place as Emperor of Persia but he pretended he was Artaxerxes still, "Hey I'm Artaxerxes people, I look different because I did a plastic surgery to get a curvy nose, I always wanted to have a big Jew nose; women like big noses because they think other parts of the body follow the size of the nose". The Jews wanted to take the opportunity to slaughter the Palestinians too, but those bastards still kept not existing yet.
Actually, all the Iranians are descendants of the people from the tribes of Ephraim and Manasses who killed the original Iranians back in that Purim's day and went on speaking Zend, worshiping Ahura Mazda and pretending they were the Iranians till the day of the Muslin conquest. This solves the mystery involving 2 out of the 10 lost tribes at least. And this is also the reason why Iranians look Semitic in spite of speaking an Indo-European language.
Aman managed to scape and time-travelled to future to Alabama in 1867. We went away so hurried that he forgot to change the white Persian tunic for 19th Century's clothes, but for some weird reason white folks in Alabama liked so much his Persian white tunic that everyone started dressing like that, specially at night when they went out to disturb other people's peace.
Greek period: The Macabbies[edit]
For many generations, Jewish children were jealous of their Christian fellows because they got Christmas presents. The Talmud Chachamim (from Hebrew, chacham: a person who really likes to argue a lot, even more than an average Jew), couldn't find an answer. Right after the creation of the State of Israel (see the unwritten chapter below), the first thing the Mosad Elimination Squadron did, was to take care of the matter. They sent their most qualified team, the Macabbies, to eliminate Aman's Time Traveling Evil Ruler 004 (A.T.T.E.R 004). But when they arrived to the Greek period, they couldn't find Antiocus. It was a dark period and they lacked batteries for their lanterns. Miraculously, they found a single forgotten Duracell Baghdad battery that lasted them for eight full days. So they caught Antiocus and created the festivity called Hanukkah, which according to historian Josephus Flavour means "Oh my god, it's still on" in ancient Greek slang. The Jewish people of the period were pretty annoyed. They liked Antiocus. Yeah, sure, he prohibited them from practicing their religion and traditions, but he brought the Greek theatre to Israel, a great entertainment and a consolation for not having any existing Palestinian to fight with. But the main thing is that since then, every Jewish kid can happily get his(notice I'm not saying her) Hanukkah present.
Roman period: Burning down the house (God's)[edit]
The great Jewish adventure continued when the Romans came. The Romans kicked the Jews out of Palestine under the guidance of Pope Sylvester. Sylvester (also a Saint) was best friends with the Roman emperor Constantine because once the emperor was attacked by a sodomite and couldn't stop blooding out his butt. It was Sylvester who put Constantine in a bathtub so his blood couldn't go everywhere. Using his gaelic voodoo powers, he polymerazed Constantine's own blood to seal the wound. After a year without a bowel movement, Constantine went mad and thus Sylvester usurped power, proclaimed himself grand poobah, and drove the Jews out. To this day, Europeans celebrate Sylvester's birthday every New Years Eve by resolving to make life miserable for Jews in his honor. They do this by ritualized slaying their first born. Some say this is to get them back for that whole passover thing. That is bullshit. The truth is, Europeans just like killing Jewish babies. So they made up a holiday for it.
Aftermath[edit]
A brief history of the Jewish people afterwards was chronicled by filmmakers Woody Allen, Mel Brooks and Larry David in the great series of movies known as the Jewish Trilogy, or Oy vey! This mish-mash is so meshuggah I forgot to plotz my keppelah!
See:
- Part 1: Schindler's List
- Part 2: The God Father
- Part 3: It's a Wonderful Life
See also[edit]
- Jewish Kings
- Arab-Israeli Conflict
- Gaza War
- Avoda Zara
- Bar Mitzvah
- Bris
- Holocaust
- Holocaust Tycoon
- Isaac Asimov
- Jew
- Kosher
- Mom
- Wild Jews