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St. Joseph realizes this isn't really his kid.

“Perhaps I should explain. I mean 'politics' instead of an exclusive diet of economics, and I mean Tory politics, all the things we Tories stand for, and have stood for long before Socialists came on the scene. Yes, we have to get economics back into proportion, as one aspect of politics, important but never really the main thing. This may be unfashionable, indeed anti-fashionable, because it is the current intellectual fashions which have wrought so much havoc in this country.”

~ Joseph on pointlessness of doing anything except making chairs

“It was like I hadn't did to my wife and one day she told me she was pregnant and still a virgin. And I was like "WTF!!!"”

~ Joseph on his wife's pregnancy

Keith Singed Joseph is Jesus's dad. But not really. The family tree's a little out of whack. God is Jesus's dad, and Joseph is just a cuck who looks after Jesus when God's too busy drinking to bother. So, while God's up in heaven, living it up with all the awesome dead celebrities, Joseph's down on crappy ol' Earth, looking after some kid that isn't even his. Mary must have been real good in bed, or something.

A young Jesus carries a flash light on a raid of his step-father's wine cellar.

Joseph's Career in Rock[edit]

Joseph at the peak of his career.

Though rarely publicized, much is known of Joseph's early life. As a child, he grew up listening to early rock bands like Elvis and Bruce Springsteen. Rejecting his father's way of life as a carpenter, he decided to strike out for himself in the world of Rock. After inventing the sixth guitar string, he began his career with the Carpenters, but quickly transitioned into a solo career. In 10 B.C., he was voted the Fastest Shredder in Galilee and won the prestigious Vulcan Award. He is also credited to writing such songs as Sweet Child O Mine, Purple Haze, and Stairway to Heaven. Though many Christians think Joseph and Mary were going to Nazareth for the census, Joseph was actually there on tour for with the Beatles and Oscar Wilde. However, his career was cut short when he discovered his magical chair building and psionic abilities.


The miraculous St. Joseph home sale kit, available at fine retailers.

Joseph fixed chairs and sold real estate for a living, using only the power of his mind. People would queue around the block to watch him fix chairs with purple brain energy while levitating them and listening to music with his iPod. He was so great at it that many people would buy a chair, then break it, just so they could see Joseph fix it. Obviously, they couldn't use the same chair twice, as he fixed them with huge amounts of skill. As his chair-fixing business got bigger, he developed a franchise of chair repair / real estate brokerages called J-Dawg's Chair Crew. If you've ever heard of the Chair Economy Boom that happened between 25 BC and 15 AD, that was all down to Joseph.


Joseph had little free time, what with his psychic chair fixing business being so popular, so the time he did have, he spent wildly. Joseph was the party animal of the 00's. Whenever somebody in Jesusland had a party, their first thought was "Will Joseph be there?" Naturally, all the parties without Joseph were sordid affairs. There was no chit-chat except for small talk. The people were unnatractive, the food was bland at best and the music sounded like something from the Stone Ages. It was like, "Fuck man, if Joseph ain't comin' going to sleep seems like two tons o' fun..." The instant that Joseph arrived, the breasts got bigger, the food got tastier and the music got less rocky. Scientists of today have tried to reproduce this phenomenon using Joseph's fossilised toenail, but were only able to make one lab rat do a backflip. While the other lab rats had a good laugh at this, it had no effect on the lab rat party's fun level.