Kraft
Kraft Foods is a cheesy US company. The secret to its success is that some people have a desire to buy cheese from a roadside farm stand in Wisconsin attended by a teenager who is scratching his bottom. And some other people prefer to buy from a large, faceless corporation.
Mondelēz[edit]
In 2012, Kraft Foods followed the lead of many large United States corporations with nothing better to do than invent ways of keeping earnings offshore to avoid paying tax on them a second time, and split into two companies, creating a new company to hold the international businesses, called Mondelēz.
The name Mondelēz, devised for under $5,000,000 in consulting fees, was designed not to insult anyone in any language. Chief executive Irene Rosenfeld told stockholders that the name was the combination of monde, which means "world" in several places in the world; and lēz, which means, well, you figure it out, but the Board of Directors is majority-female and several strange-looking appliances are often seen on the conference table in the board room, where there is much giggling and occasional moaning. Ms. Rosenfeld insists it is a gavel, nothing more.
In the face of universal confusion, and for only a couple additional million, the international company put a bar over the second ē, as though it were Nestlē. It is called a "diacritical mark" or, in France, a virgule. No one understood this, either, but now they understand that it is a foreign term and no longer worry about its pronunciation.
Kraft cheese[edit]
Named for the god of all things dairy related, Kraft cheese is curdled milk product which has won the highest accolades from French gourmets, the recipe for Kraft Cheese came about by a fortuitous accident when lightning struck a vat of yoghurt in which Asterix VII, Burgundy's shortest arch-duke and French resistance leader, was drowning his pet chimpanzee, Bulles (Bubbles), after the chimp had disgraced himself in a remarkable display of simian lustfulness at a gathering of midget nobility.
Kraft Cheese (which translates roughly from the ancient Burgundian as 'Chimp Batter') has garnered applause for its crumbly, yet buttery texture. Its rich creamy veining and vigorous taste reflect admirably the noble culinary traditions of medieval Burgundy, where court banquets could include such timeless delights as giblet turnover, gruel and fur pie.
During 2009 Kraft were obliged to raise their offer price for the English company of Cadbury to $18.9 billion to take proper account of the value of the Martian technology that enabled the Cadbury company to develop instant mashed potato during the 1970s. The latter was marketed as Smash in honour of an English spacecraft that collided with the planet Mars early in the 21st Century.
Kraft Dinner[edit]
The Canadian takeover of Kraft Dinner[edit]
In 1802, General Mr Dressup of the Canadian "Syrup Comes Before Cheese" military declared war on the Kraft group, causing in a total loss of 10 crates of Kraft Dinner, but thanks to this, Kraft Dinner was now the official food of Canada, and since then Canadians have eaten Kraft Dinner with their maple syrup. In Canada, the only thing more celebrated than the bond with Kraft Dinner, is probably the creation of the poutine (french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy), that and Tim Horton's
Naive Albertans and Kraft Dinner[edit]
When North America was first penalized, crates and crates of "Ye Olde Krafte Dinner" were brought with the penalists. When contact with the Naives of this mystical, syrupy, land was made a trade system called "the truck" was established. "The Truck" stipulated that the good ol days would exchange one beaver pelt per nirvana t-shirt and 5 caribous for a satchel of what they called "the magical yellow powder". Sadly, the Naives lacked the enzyme to properly break down the cheese mix in Kraft Dinner and became hopeless addicted. One hip-hop group known only to history as the "Fromagonkins" became so addicted to Kraft Dinner that they attempted to swim to the source of all Kraft Dinner, the fiery Mount Cheese and were eaten by sea monsters. Because of this tragedy, a monument made out of Kraft Singles was created in 2000 B.C. to honour their loss. Also, this article looks like crap dinner.
Kraft Dinner In Sweden[edit]
After the Craft Dinner revolt in 2034 brought to you by the good people from Kraft. The now Kraft Swedens sent their country's antelope to try to win back the Dinners. Unfortunately they were already portioned into meal-sized portions and the Kraft Sweden's antelope was unable to subdue the good people from Kraft.
As a breathing apparatus/straw[edit]
Kraft Dinner is also very commonly used in Canada and through the Northeastern Uniter States as a straw, similar to how one would use licorice as a straw. Breathing through a single Kraft Dinner is also used as a way to simulate having an asthma attack. Because of its small opening, the lack of oxygen to the brain is similar in nature to that of having an asthma attack.
Swan diving[edit]
The act of Kraft Swan Diving began on August 12th, 2003, when underground cheese philosopher, Gaylord Laurent, got a running start off a church. In protest of reading comprehension and any cheese that didn’t smell like the unwashed crevice behind your ear, Wren decided to literally swan-dive by Scotch taping a duck to his head and leaping from The Royal Monastery of Brou into a small Tupperware of Cheez Whiz. This ended with a wet thud, a large crimson stain, and an unorthodox new form of kicking the bucket.
Kraft Swan Diving never truly saw success outside of Gaylord’s home country, France. This is for one reason and one reason only: No one wants to listen to the French. Still, Kraft hopes it can market the idea to any member of any nationality with an IQ strongly deviating left of the bell curve.
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The 12 Fundamental Cheeses | ||||
Feta*
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Fromunda
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| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | |||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | |||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | |||||