Gouda cheese

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Gouda cheese is a yellowish Dutch cheese named after its town of origin, Gouda, The Netherlands. Gouda is a Cow's Milk™ brand cheese product.


Artist's Rendering of the Original Kaaswagen.

It was in the early-to-mid 19th century when the Pennsylvania Dutch finally perfected the recipe for this wheel-shaped cheese. The development was led by the dairy baron Karl Von Helmsteinereinmann. His original goal was to develop a cheese-based transportation system that would rival the surging popularity of the "Ol' Ironsides" system that later became known as the Greyhound bus line. Unfortunately, almost all evidence of Von Helmsteinereinmann's plans for world domination through cheesecars was lost when his proptotype "Kasewagen" crashed into a tree on its maiden voyage on June 21, 1837. The crash caused a cheese feeding frenzy, known in local legends as "The Longest Day of the Year," that, tragically, included the devouring of Von Helmsteinereinmann himself along with the ill-fated "Kasewagen." Since the secrets of Von Helmsteinereinmann's plot were lost in the accident, the purpose of the wheel shape of the cheese was lost to history and the digestive tracts of many Pennsylvanians. To this day, the cheese is still produced in wheel-shaped chunks. Though official documentation does not exist, there are reports that gear-shaped and crankshaft-shaped chunks were once produced, indicating that the "Kaaswagen" may have been the world's first vehicle with an internal combustion engine. By all accounts in existence, it is the world's first, and perhaps only, vehicle made entirely from cheese.

Cheesemaking Process[edit]

Gouda is made from Cow’s Milk™ by curdling and culturing. The culturing is carried out in three (or 4) steps:

  1. Separation of the whey
  2. Exposure to the complete works of Shakespeare
  3. Tutoring in the relevant theories of cheese ontology
  4. (Controversial)Anti-Stilton indoctrination


In addition to the ongoing Gouda-Stilton wars (referenced above in step 4 of the culturfication process), Gouda has been involved in several controversial goings-on.

The Netherlands Cheese Skirmish[edit]


Shortly after the denouement of the Second World War, a group of renegade Flemish cheesemakers moved to northern Holland and attempted to claim the name "Gouda" for their own bastardization of the beloved Pittsburgh cheese. The anti-American United Nations even went as far as to give Noord-Hollandse Gouda (a cheap-to-manufacture hybrid of true Pittsburgh Gouda and Hollandaise sauce) a Protected Designation of Origin designation. The dispute is in line to be heard by the International Food Arbitration Court as soon as the court finishes its deliberations on the authenticity of so-called "Corn Dogs."

Gouda Piracy[edit]

Recently, the GCPAA (Gouda Cheese Producers Association of America) has been trying to crack down on the rampant online piracy of Gouda cheese products. Websites like GoudaTube, MyGouda, and AllofCheeseP3 have been accused of allowing unfettered downloading of unauthorized wheels of gouda cheese. The US government has also gotten involved after an audit by its Internet Response Team revealed that 77.3% of all Internet tube blockages were caused by improper and illegal amounts of Gouda being loaded by dumptruck.

Bad Gouda Jokes[edit]

The people that do that kind of thing have banned any and all cheese jokes that make use of the pseudo-homophonetic properties of "Good," and "Gouda". Violation of this regulation is punishable by a fine of up to $55,000 and three years in prison.

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"