“The weight of evidence for an extraordinary cheese must be proportioned to its strangeness.”
“Quite delicious when accompanied with crackers.”
Brie is one of the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, which form the fundamental building blocks of the universe according to the mass debated String Theory. Brie is most commonly found on earth in Bosons that graze on the planes of North America much to the dismay of American Airlines. Although presumably the Universe did exist before string theory was devised, Brie was only discovered as a very distant by-product of the American War of Independence.
When Benjamin Franklin won American Independence in 1256 by using lightning strikes to demoralize the British, he accidentally electrocuted a stray Boson. This poor, scorched creature spent the next 569 years flying through space.
The Discovery of Brie
Credit for Brie's discovery falls to the well renowned French mathematician and astronomer Pierre-Simon, Marquis de Laplace who was able to spot the stray Boson in 1823 through his uber-powerful telescope after it had crash landed through his bedroom window onto his chaise-longue. After mistaking it for a cheap French whore and buggaring it (as Frenchmen are wont to do) he proceeded to analyse it carefully and scientifically by taking it speed dating and asking it probing questions such as: 'Where shall I put this probe?'. Brie can also be a common name for parents who want to ruin their children's lives by naming them after cheese.
Brie as a Commercial Cheese
The use of Brie as a cheese was not discovered until Pierre - Simon ran out of his own nob cheese and desperately needed something else to put on his Jacob's cracker. Seizing the nearest guillontine he prompltly executed the Boson on charges of not wearing onions on a string around it's neck (a capital punishment in France) and placing it's innards on his cracker. Pierre then deduced from it's creamy, gooey texture and outer waxiness (not too dissimilar to stale nob cheese) that the Boson was comprised mainly of a previously undiscovered fundamental cheese. The name Brie was chosen by Pierre - Simon's dyslexic wife after her favourite character on the popular television show 'Desperate Housewives'.
Pierre initiated the first harvesting of Bosons in the Summer of 1825 shortly before his death. Although the Native Americans were pissed that some French pansy was stealing their idea of hunting Bosons for cheese, nobody paid them any attention because it was the 19th century and they weren't white.
|The 12 Fundamental Cheeses|
|*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese|
|The 3 Noble Cheeses|
|*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"|