Moldy Cheese

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Moldy Cheese
The Moldus Magificus Maximo in its natural habitat: a plate.
Scientific classification
Kingdom Canada and Refrigerator
Phylum Things that eat you
Genus Things that are cold
Species Things that REALLY eat you
Binomial name
Cheese with Mold
Primary armament Cheesiness
Secondary armament Moldiness
Power supply Eat and grow
Intelligence More than Cheese
Weight Something you don't like
Special attack Eats Emos and People
Conservation status
Eating People

The creation of Moldy Cheese simply starts as this, and nothing more, nothing less. Moldy cheese originates from regular cheese when it gets too old and dies, giving birth to a new, more evil form of life: Moldy Cheese. Unlike cheese, whose deliciousness is superb, Moldy Cheese seeks to destroy all who try to consume it. Its moldy badness will eat you from the inside out unless you attack first with milk. Milk is one of the few things feared by Moldy Cheese as regular cheese is made of milk and goodness and Moldy Cheese is essentially undead, evil cheese, and therefore not at all milky.

How to Identify Moldy Cheese[edit]

Moldy cheese is often recognized early on by refrigerator-goers by the blue and white spots that form on a piece of delicious cheese. It is because of these spots that allows for the refrigerator-goers to toss out the cheese but, little known to them, this cheese will come back to eat them as Moldy Cheese.

The easiest way to identify a lump of moldy cheese is to look at it's disgusting massive blobbiness and make sure that it has little white hairs poking out of its body. Beware of the fuzzy soft fur, which is meant to deceive you, making you less likely to realize its dastardly appetite. Moldy Cheese also has two glowing red eyes somewhere, typically toward the top of the green-blue-furry mound which should be particularly avoided.

Casu Marzu[edit]

If moldy cheese goes too long without being eaten, it will accumulate enough experience points to evolve, becoming the dreaded casu marzu. At this point, the constituent asps making up the mold in the cheese eat too much cheese and become morbidly obese, rendering them visible to the naked eye. They also gain superpowers, allowing them to propel themselves away from the cheese and into the nearest available eye sockets, where they proceed to burrow into a victim's brain and turn them into a zombie. This is why if you must eat casu marzu, you should hold your hands over it as an effective anti-zombifying obese asp shield.

Of course, the sensible alternative is to not eat it at all, but rather burn the house down, then call Homeland Security as a precaution in case it regenerates itself.

Where to Find Moldy Cheese[edit]

You can more than likely find Moldy Cheese in the harsh winter-land that is Canada, where they prey on those poor Canadians and Mounties. It is here that is the best environment for Moldy Cheese to grow and multiply for the simple reason that it's cold and it's the biggest thing that's as cold as a cozy refrigerator. Do not be fooled by the Moldy Cheese's white fuzzy camouflage.

Moldy Cheese as a Pet[edit]

“How much moldy cheese must a man eat down, before they call him a man?”

~ Mohandas Gandhi

Although it goes against all regulations and the safety of your bowels, you can have Moldy Cheese as a pet, although it is likely it will eat you in the first five minutes of ownership.

You must first unwrap and expose your cheese to the open air and stick it in the refrigerator. It must sit there for months on end before showing any signs of intelligence. The amount of time depends on the type of cheese. Once you have your baby Moldy Cheese, it will start growing. It is best to feed it at this keen time to make it accelerate. Be sure to make your Moldy Cheese as large as possible (largest on record is about 523 lbs). Unlike regular cheese, Moldy Cheese does not need to be eaten to become active.

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"