Otaku
 This article is really OtakuIf you're an uncultured swine with no love for high school girls with cat ears you might not like this article-desu. |
- You may be looking for Otakuism and not even know it!
Offending and stereotypical
Meaning[edit]
Otaku (Japanese: 糞便の巨大な固まり plural: "otaki" lit:"dungeon troll") are smelly, furry, plump creatures that are usually found in their natural habitats: their own mother's basements or in their dark rooms where the only sources of light are the bright glow of their computers or television. The word 'otaku' is commonly mistaken by stupid Americans to mean "lovingly devoted", but means in Japanese "scary, pale, sociophobic pedophile". No matter what race they originate from, otaku quickly become white due to lack of sun from watching anime or surfing Gaia Online all day (see vampires). They sit in their parents' basement or room all day, watching Japanese cartoons called anime. This always involves tentacle rape of women with blue hair. An angered otaku spits acidic venom, however, this rarely happens, as otaku do not spend much time around anyone who annoys them. The last documented case was the Boston Massacre. Their choice of food is chocolate cornets, the droppings of Pikachus.
Whilst otaku may seem to converse in Pseudo-Japanese, they are in fact talking in a nonsensical stream of mindless babble which means nothing in any language. This lack of ability to any language offends all other cultures and civilisations. Specifically angered are Japanese Language students, who (after spending years of diligent study to converse in Japan's native language) are angered to the point of distraction by otaku-ese speakers.
Humans which become afflicted with otaku-like symptoms (listed above) are said to have otakuitis.
Appearance[edit]
The common otaku is seen, usually, wearing a T-shirt of a classic anime, or one that still hasn't made it to American shores (Like Dragon Ball or Samurai X). They are also usually seen with messenger bags, embellished with anime logos, like Full Metal Alchemist, which are usually bought at Hot Topic. These bags are adorned with pins and key chains which are supposed to represent their personalities and interests without actual need for socialization. Most of them wear glasses for all their time spent playing video games, and those that don't, just buy them to upkeep the appearance. Sometimes, otaku may even cosplay when not intended in the style of their most favorite anime (This has been seen more often thanks to Naruto and Hot Topic). In terms of footwear, even though in the old days, most otaku were seen wearing sport foot wear, these days it is more common to see them wearing Converse or Vans footwear. They can also be easily spotted together if they are "speaking Japanese" in a group. They usually mutter it because they really have no idea what they're saying, for example, when an otaku thinks they called you a "Dumbass" they actually just said "I'm a person without a life and I pretend I know japanese stuff just to feel welcomed by a group of pimple- faced fat kids"
Controversy[edit]
There is controversy that otaku actually have two genders instead of one: Male and Female. Female otaku are usually believed to be adorned with black clothing which they usually purchase from Hot Gothic. They like to take two or more men that look like women from an anime or manga and write fanfiction and produce fanart of them having intercourse [1]; this is also sometimes referred to as yaoi. These otakus of indecisive gender are commonly referred to as Fan-Girls, or in japanese "腐女子", meaning "Rotten Girl".
Religious Customs[edit]
The otaku Goddess is the Hermaphroditic Haruhi Suzamiya, and they follow an ancient evangelical scripture called the Neon Genesis Evangelion. They worship their god by writing poetry and producing fanart for this creature. It is also customary to don her dress at anime conventions. Recent years have shown an extreme increase in otakuitis-infecteds, and thus new religions and sects have been popping up everywhere. The Great Goddess of Armageddon is currently one of the more popular gods believed in by heathen otakus.
The otaku also believe that Japan is a magical place, a land of Milk and creepy animated porn because anime has originated from here. They believe that the Japanese are a magical, mythical people and that all Japanese people are hot. Some otaku go as far as considering Japan the place that God sealed from Adam and Eve once the original sin was committed, which some people later on started to call Eden.
Otakuitis[edit]
Recent studies by leading biologists at the International Organization for the Studies of Anime Physics and Physiology and Related Concepts Including Otakus (commonly abbreviated IOSAPPRCIO) have suggested a new mental disorder to be named, titled otakuitis. All of the symptoms listed above would be considered the official symptoms.
Treatment[edit]
As of now, there is no known treatment for otakuitis. But until a cure is found, we suggest anything along the lines of exorcism.
Hope[edit]
As far as "hope" is concerned, there usually is none. Otakuitis is a terminal disease that has no cure. A further depressing fact is that otakuitis is EXTREMELY catching, which means that the human race is facing total extermination if no cure is found. Soon.
The USA (United States of Armenia) has attempted to break the hold of anime over American children, young adults, and waterfowl by intoducing such shows as Teen Titans, Beavis and Butthead, Evangelion and Gumby. This led to the Civil War in 1784, as well as a further outbreak of hostilities on the bust of Lenore above my chamber door as I sit reading forgotten lore.
The effect of Japanese culture is just now being strongly felt in United Statesian culture. The main effect is the installation of panty-dispensing machines on most street corners, carefully scheduled invasions of Godzilla and Mothra, as well as a neurotic fixation concerning cleanliness.
A slap upside the head is the best cure for otaku-ism, though sometimes the treatment is fatal. It is a terrible disease and a blight upon the fair country of Armenia and we would like you to donate today.
Recently the remains of a tribe of non-crazy and non-obsessed otaku have been found in a glacier. It has been said that they were driven out of wherever they came from, and killed by rabid otaku. These fans read and watched, but didn't parade around school and public places wearing kawaii cat ears or ridiculous Naruto clothing. They kept their passions private, and were made a mockery by others who assumed they were like Sailor Bubba. When the rabid otaku folk found these poor souls, they captured and forced them to do it their way. But, to no avail they stayed the way they wanted to be. Angrily, the rabids froze them in a collection of ice water (later formed into a glacier) it was an honor killing based off of Avatar: The Last Airbender. All non-rabids are pronounced dead.
There is little hope for the weeaboos and wasians out there. Unless they learn that not everyone loves Naruto or Sailor Moon, they're going to have to put up with the criticism. Because most of the time it's fucking hilarious.
Not to be confused with Zaku's[edit]
Although Nunchaku, Zaku and Otaku are all weapons, only one is large and mostly mechanical, Otaku.
See Also[edit]