Fullmetal Alchemist

This is the cover of the first Japanese manga volume. It features two characters, named Alphonse and Edward Elric. I can't help but notice that one of them looks like a robot.

Alright, I'll be honest with you. I don't know shit about Fullmetal Alchemist. I've heard it's some kind of popular anime/manga thingy. So anyway, I'll be reading the Wikipedia page while writing this article. Apparently, some Japanese person called "Hiromu Arakawa" wrote and illustrated the Fullmetal Alchemist manga. Hmm, the world of Fullmetal Alchemist is styled after the European Industrial Revolution. I guess that explains all the robots and stuff, right? And in this world, alchemy is one of the most advanced scientific techniques known to man. The story is about two brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric. They tried to resurrect their mother with this "alchemy" stuff, but, sadly, epically failed doing so and lost parts of their bodies in the process, thus setting the stage for what would've otherwise been a very boring anime/manga. The manga was adapted into an anime, a movie which concludes the story of aforementioned anime, another anime, and a shitload of other stuff.

Plot

The Elric brothers might've plagiarized a couple scenes from 300.

Edward and Alphonse Elric are two alchemist brothers searching for the Philosopher's Stone, a powerful object which they can use to restore their bodies. Born someplace called Amestris, the boys lived there with their mother. They also had a father, Van Hohenheim, who dumped their mom soon after she got pregnant. After a little while, their mother, Trisha Elric, suddenly became terminally ill from an unknown disease. The Elric brothers tried and failed resurrecting their mother by using the forbidden art of Human Transmutation. Because they didn't bother with the law of "Equivalent Exchange", Alphonse lost his whole body and Edward lost his left leg to an entity which can only be described as a horde of greedy black kids. After realizing what has happened, Edward also sacrificed his right arm so he could affix Alphonse's soul to a suit of armor. Luckily, their best friend and her granny, Winry and Pinako Rockbell respectively, are both skilled "automail" engineers, which means they have the ability to create metal prostheses which work even better than the original limbs.

Mustang and his homies. The dog is the most vital member of the team.

After getting a visit from Christian Bale lookalike Roy Mustang, Edward decides to become a State Alchemist, thus joining the State Military of Amestris, often lauded for its quick and efficient annihilation of the Ishbalan race. Edward and Alphonse set out to find the Philosopher's Stone which will be able to restore their bodies, scientifically. They encounter a lot of weird people, who end up being the antagonists by some weird plot twist. There's this guy named Scar who's got this huge X on his head. He also happens to be one of the few Ishbalans that haven't been annihilated yet and is apparently not very pleased about this situation. The main people causing trouble, however, aren't people at all, as it turns out. They're called homunculi and while they look like humans, they've got the nasty tendency to randomly kill people, along with some weird mark on their body. They're also virtually indestructible because they have pieces of the Philosopher's Stone inside themselves.

And then some more plot.

The Manga

The Elric Brothers posing for a calendar, unaware it is meant to be a nude calendar.

The manga is the main story, and the second anime, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brothers in Da Hood follows it.

The story is set in a world where alchemy is the main form of science and is often used by lazy people who dislike D.I.Y. Two brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric, practice alchemy and try to resurrect their dead mother using a forbidden alchemy technique called Asplode, or Human Transmutation. Ignoring the law of Equivalent Exchange, the two must pay the price. Ed's limbs are amputated and Al's entire body is stolen by mutant Cabbagepatch Kids inside the giant Gate of Truth. In order to save Al, Edward gives up his right arm and binds Al's soul to Tinman's body, making him immortal due to everyone's love for The Wizard of Oz. With help from Ed's future girlfriend and her crazy grandma, Winry and Pinako Rockbell, Ed gets new limbs made of metal called either "Automail" or "Manual-Letter".

Determined to regain their bodies, the boys are approached by Christian Bale lookalike and resident badass Roy Mustang. Mustang tells the boys, or at least Edward, to become a State Alchemist or a dog of the military. Edward agrees, becomes a State Alchemist, and gains a dog collar and the name of "Fullmetal Alchemist", or the "Shrimp Alchemist". After some research, Ed and Al learn of the Philosopher's Stone, a MacGuffin with the ability to dodge Equivalent Exchange and glow red in color. With the prospect of reverting back to their old bodies once they obtain the stone, as well as promise of acquiring free tickets for a live porn session in New Orleans, Ed and Al went ahead of themselves to find the stone. However, as the two brothers search for it, they discover a conspiracy in the military, and fight against a crazed The Rock now named "Scar", and ex-members of the Rocky Horror Picture Show called the Homunculi who plan to nuke Ed and Al's homeland of Amestris.

The manga features several characters not seen in the first anime series, like grinning idiot Ling "Hungry" Yao and panda-controlled robot girl Mei Chan.

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brothers in Da Hood

The second anime adaptation of Fullmetal Alchemist is based directly on the original manga by aforementioned talking cow. After numerous complaints about the first anime, including that Ed wasn't one-dimensional enough and that the story didn't make sense (only one of which was true), Studio Bones decided that it would be a good idea to adapt the now-finished manga series into an anime. It wasn't. The new show was basically the manga after it snorted a ton of weed and smoked coke, as it plowed through the first seven volumes of the manga in about 10 episodes. Also, the first episode featured a plot that wasn't in the manga that the new guy at Bones obviously pulled out of his ass. It featured a closet Scotsman and filler character named Isaac McDougal who wanted nothing more than to buttsex the homunculus dictator of Amestris, so he decided to transmute a whole bunch of ice to smash his headquarters just to get his attention so they could play a steamy game of hide the salami. Of course, the Elric brothers, being the big damn heroes that they are, decided to stop the angry kilt-wearing bastard, but he got to meet the Fuhrer anyway. The Fuhrer was most displeased, so he cut the filler character's nipples out. At this point, everyone watching, their eyes bleeding, skipped the first twelve episodes to see if anything would actually contribute to the plot. Sadly, their heads exploded from the incredibly (and unnecessarily) complicated plot.

Characters

Main Characters

• Edward Elric is the main protagonist and resident source for crazy screaming fangirls. Known as the Fullmetal Alchemist, or the Shrimp Alchemist, Edward has metal limbs made of left over pepsi cans and is often noted for being a midget. When called "short", "pipsqueak", or "Oompa Loompa", he goes bat fuck insane and kills the nearest person, although he is often stopped by Alphonse. Edward is a skilled fighter, learning from Jackie Chan, and can perform alchemy by clapping his hands together. After his mother's death, Edward gave some short notice to Alphonse that they would grow up and revive their mom. Their human transmutation attempt, Edward losing his leg and arm and growing shorter as a result. In the manga, Edward is one of Father's sacrifices to carry out his evil plan, while in the first anime, he owned Greed, and then ended up in Germany with Alphonse to find the first nuclear bomb, but likely failed if one knows history. In the anime, Edward is voiced by legendary voice actor and apparent sex machine Vic Mignogna. In the japanese verson, his voice actor is the alround awesome Romi Park, who, yes, is a woman... but no-one can really tell.

• Alphonse Elric Commander of the kitty conspiracy, Al is Edward's younger brother. Referred to as "kindess in a can", which ended up spawning a food product called "Alphood". Al died at the start of the anime and was replaced with a LOLcat-huffing robot with Al's personality. Often mistook for the Fullmetal Alchemist, Alphonse is not bothered by it unlike Edward. In the manga, Alphonse did not die but learnt how to perform alchemy by clapping his hands, after King Bradley killed Indiana Jones' girlfriend Martel. As for his body, it turned into a blonde Gollum searching for his soul. At the end of the first anime, Robot-Al died to resurrect the real Al, but the real one came back as an angst-filled guy who thought he was Edward and dressed up like him. He was reunited with Edward and went to Germany with him to do nothing.

• Winry Rockbell is Ed and Al's best friend and the only mechanic in the world. She lives in Risembool with her crazy nicotine-addicted midget grandma Pinako and a three-legged door named Den. Her parents were killed in a war called the Ishbal Massacre, by Scar in the manga and Mustang in the anime. She generally loses her mind after finding out who killed her parents, trying to kill Scar with a super soaker, and trying to kill Mustang by making him have an emotional breakdown by calling him by his first name. Winry is a skilled mechanic, and miffed due to not being invited on Top Gear. She can go Bat Fuck Insane like Edward, but she kills people by throwing wrenches at them.

Mustang and his homies. The dog is Edward.

• Roy Mustang. Also known as Colonel Badass, he is the second main source of fangirls, Roy Mustang is Colonel of the Wacky Brigade, Spokesman of the Tiny Miniskirt Fanclub, and the Barbecue Alchemist. He wears funky gloves made from Michael Bay's skin that can cause explosions when he snaps his fingers, so it causes some problems when he's snapping them to the beat of music. An egomaniac, Mustang intends to be Fuhrer in the future. In the manga, Mustang becomes a rebel against the military and becomes the fifth sacrifice for Father, having his sight removed for some unexplained reason and mainly for something he didn't do himself. Ironically, he loses an eye in the anime too and wears an eyepatch and becomes a pirate. It is unknown though if he finally managed to board Hawkeye's ship to grab her booty.

• Maes Hughes is Mustang's best friend and a former stand-up comedian. Despite his friendly disposition, he really despises his child Elicia, and shows photos of her to other people until they go insane and die. He likes throwing knives around too, and always keep a couple of them hidden in his belt just in case. Hughes is killed by Envy after he photographs the latter making out with Greed. Despite his odd personality and little appearance, he is wildly popular among fans, maybe because they are as crazy as Hughes is.

• Riza Hawkeye is Mustang's lady friend and a sniper rifle in human form. Hawkeye loves guns and often fires them at random people and/or animals when annoyed. She has a dog named Black Hayate who she shoots at every time he pees on the wall. She also has a huge tattoo on her back made by a cheap tatoo artist from south Australia. In the manga, Hawkeye has her throat slashed and somehow survives this. She's just that awesome. It is alleged that she has the hots for Roy but she's just playing hard to get because she knows it turns him on even more.

Major Armstrong greets others by throwing his Fullmetal Alchemist merchandise at them.

• Major Armstrong. An emotional man who is Chuck Norris' long lost cousin. Former porn star, he now still has a habit of throwing off his shirt, and sometimes his underwear too, to flex his muscles around. Considered a menace to society, Armstrong was given a 500ft restriction from approaching any living individual, except the Elric Brothers and Mustang. Known as the Muscle Flex Alchemist, Armstrong has Superman's strength and can create large alchemy statues of himself, in what he calls artistic alchemy. At the end of the anime, Armstrong invaded Lior and proclaimed himself to be the new god of epic awesomeness, founding the Church of Sparkly Stars.

• Scar, formerly known as Dwayne Johnson, is an angry Ishbalan who survived the Ishbalan Massacre, really a war in Hollywood where multiple actors fought film executives. Having an X-shaped scar on his head made by a waffle maker, a funky tattoo on his arm that can blow stuff up, and a dead brother, turned Scar into a guy who wishes to kill all State Alchemists. However, he turns good over time and becomes Winry's hitman in the manga. In the anime, Scar did a lot of manual labor work in Lior, but upon learning he would star in a film called Tooth Fairy, he went insane and killed himself, turning Al into the Tinman Philosopher's Stone in the process.

• Hohenheim is Ed and Al's daddy. He's really old. Really, REALLY old. Also known as Hohenheim of Light and Van Helsing, he left his family due to being immortal, but returned to provide some comic relief goofiness and be a badass when needed. He died in the anime after watching Edward's version of The Producers, crushing himself in-between Envy's jaws, who was his son in the anime.

Homunculi

The Homunculi are the main villains of the franchise, being former members of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They wear gothic clothes, and all have the Ouroboros Tattoo somewhere on their bodies. In the manga, the seven Homunculi are made from Father's emotions. In the anime, they are undead humans created via human transmutations. They can be killed by throwing their former bodies at them, or being defeated like a Pokemon.

• 

  Lust - Resident fanboy source. Needs serious work on her nails.

• 

  Gluttony - Fat, bald, creepy guy who is Lust's boyfriend. whose favorite food happend to be small children.

• 

  Envy - Transvestite palm tree with an identity complex.

• 

  Greed - Pimpmaster 3000 XD, rogue Homunculus, turns into Venom.

• 

  Sloth - Hey you guys!!!

• 

  Wrath - King of the world, wears an eyepatch, and has cool swords. Can demolish a tank with two swords and a grenade.

• 

  Pride - Creepy kid who is part Vashta Nerada. Wrath's son.

• 

  Wrath (Anime) - Crazy-haired wild child who thinks he'll become human by collecting more of Ed's body parts.

• 

  Sloth (Anime) - Ed and Al's mother.

• 

  Father - Hohenheim's twin, father of the Homunculi.

• 

  Dante - Leader of the Homunculi in anime. Skank and poohead.

Everyone Else

• Zolf J. Kimbley is a man who is a fan of Michael Bay and is very sadistic. He killed a lot of Ishbalans including Scar's brother. In the manga, he is heavily inspired by Michael Jackson, dressing in the clothes he wore in "Smooth Criminal". In the anime, he left the show to pursue a career in CSI, whilst in the manga, he becomes one with Pride, in a non-shota way.
• Frank Archer appears only in the first anime. An extremely pale man, Archer is often mistook for being dead. He quits the series, becoming the T-1000 for the fourth Terminator film, and dies onscreen from rust when shot by Riza Hawkeye with a water pistol. Not to be confused with "Mr. GAR" Archer from Fate/Stay Night.
• Izumi Curtis is Ed and Al's badass alchemy teacher. She is married to a bearded hulk of a guy named Sieg, but had an affair with Edward and Alphonse because she just can't resist young boys full of vigor. She tried to revive her dead baby but lost half her intestines along with a spleen or two as a price, so she coughs up a lot of blood and hairballs all the time. She dies from a lack of screentime in the first anime. In the manga, Hohenheim did some Ancient Philosopher's Stone Magic, and brutally rearranged what little internal organs she has left in order to buy her more screentime.
• Pinako Rockbell, Winry's crazy midget grandma. She has an addiction to nicotine and smokes all the time. As a result, Winry has become a passive smoker. On happy hour nights, she also smokes her special "Granny's Secret Recipe Magical Tobacco" which she grows in a well hidden little place in the back of the house. Back in the days she was the village's most babe-a-licious chick, and dated Hohenheim before she got too old and he dumped her for Trisha. As for the drastic change in her looks, as she says herself "When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not."
• Rose, really Sakura Haruno from Naruto, hoping to get a new lease of life after being ditched by Sasuke Uchiha. In the first anime, she gets drunk and has a baby, although Edward looks away whenever the father is mentioned.
• Nina Tucker, a cute little girl with no brain. She is turned into a Pokemon by her father and killed by Scar and Team Rocket.
• Shou Tucker, the Sewing-Life Alchemist. Tucker turned his daughter into a Pokemon, and then did the same to himself in the anime. He is killed by Scar in the manga.
• Doctor Marcoh, an old man and former State Alchemist who ran and hid. He was found by Ed, Al and Major Armstrong and then captured by Envy for no reason. He plays a big role in Envy's defeat, causing his body to asplode.
• Yoki, a retard who is comic relief. Killed in the anime when someone spitwads him in the back of the head.
• Mei Chan, a cute little badass girl who can perform alchemy and kick ass. She is really a robot controlled by her psychotic midget pet panda.
• Olivier Milla Armstrong is Major Armstrong's sister. In charge of Fort Knox, Olivier is obsessed with war, having played Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare all of her life. She has swords but doesn't need to use them often, since she can actually kill a man with a mere look.
• Jean Havoc, Mustang's butt monkey and sex machine. He smokes a lot and sucks at life. He is put into a wheelchair by Lust in the manga, but comes back as a weapons smuggler to refill the gang's ammo when they rebel. With a goatee.
• Heymans Breda, a slob who claims to be a soldier. Always eats some thing or other.
• Kain Fuery, a meek little guy with glasses, surprisingly un-epic despite his name.
• Vato Falman, Brock's lost uncle.
• Maria Ross and Dennis "Denny" Blockhead, two members of the military. Ross was accused of Hughes' death but fled the country, only to return later to drive a truck. Blockhead is emotionally attached to Ross and has no brain.
• Sheska, a talking bookworm who falls over a lot and has narrowly escaped several assassination attempts by her own books. In her spare time, she writes fan-fiction, usually between her and Hughes.
• The Chimera Gang, several guys who can turn into Pokemon. The group consists of Jeruso who turns into a frog, Zanpano who turns into a thing, Commissioner Gordon, and Donkey Kong.
• Ling Yao, a guy from Japan (dubbed "Xing" in the franchise), Ling is a lazy-ass freeloader who is actually a prince. Prone to death by hunger. He wishes to become immortal so he can outlive his dad. He ends up becoming the second incarnation of Greed. Later on, he is cursed to turn into an anthromorphic horse, making him more hotter as an animal and much more, more, more, and more hotter when he, as a horse, has sex with Ed.
• Ran Fan, Ling's assassin-bodyguard and secretly girlfriend. She lost her arm to a dog and gets a metal badass one instead.
• Fu, Ran Fan's grouchy grandad. He has an awesome s'tach that give him the power to kick ass in style and that gives him wi-fi connection. He is killed by Bradley after being pitied by Mr. T.
• Captain Buccaneer, the most badass Asian ever. Has a metal arm which doubles as a gun and a chainsaw in one, but he was killed by Bradley after an epic fight.
• Major Miles, the only Ishbalan in the military. Okay, it's only from his grandpa and he grew up in Amestris, so what? He still counts as one.
• Noa, a crybaby claiming to be a gypsy who appeared in the movie. So annoying that her family sold her to the Nazis for a hefty price, claiming that she could somehow see the future (yeah, suuure). She's Rose's counterpart, but without the fancy fuchsia bangs.
• Alfons Heiderich, Al's TALLER German clone. He coughs up a lot of blood from getting high with all kinds of exhaust pipe fumes and has the hots for Edward.
• Dieting Eckart, some foolish woman in charge of the Fool Society. She went bonkers and was shot by Hughes. Way to go, Nazi Hughes!
• 66 (Barry The Chopper), a butcher who recently discovered his fetish for necrophilia after slicing and dicing for too many years.
• Black Hayate, a dog emotionally and physically abused by Riza Hawkeye.