Homunculus
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The Homunculus (pl.: homunculi [ebonic: homunculizzle])was a largely theoretical and preposterous creature which people invented in the early 14th century. At that time, it was believed to be a tiny human being which lived inside sperms and grew into a large human being, i.e. an adult person. This is patently ridiculous, of course, and we now know that homunculi are tiny, goblin-like creatures that cause all manner of mechanical, physical, and emotional problems, like vapor lock and Cystic Fibrosis.
Homunculus Anatomy[edit]
The average homunculus is 0.2-0.8 inches tall, weighing between 17 and 25 pounds. Its skin is a light greenish color, the kind that hotel hallways are sometimes painted, with a rough texture similar to that of your elderly relatives' foreheads. Homunculi have a basic human frame, but are augmented with six fingers on each hand and eyes which can detect a much wider spectrum of light than our own, including infra-mauve and ultra-chartreuse. However, these specializations have come at a price, as male Homunculi have even smaller sexual organs than one would expect and female homunculi (sometimes, homuncula [sing.] and homunculae [plur.]) are widely described by males as having "mosquito bites", though scientists are not precisely sure what this means. A homunculus' specialized dietary tract can derive sustinence from almost anything, including fast food milkshakes and tire irons.
Homunculus Species[edit]
All homunculi are categorised into 15 categories. Each of these is named after a seven lively dollar. There is class ENVY which consists of those homunculi with cross-dressing tendencies and palmtree like hairstyles. There is class WRATH which consists of homunculi that look like creepy middle age men and have megolomanic tendencies. There is class LUST which consists of homunculi who use nail filers as teeth pickers and have spent billions in boobage. There is class GREED which consists of homunculi who like to cosplay as Venom and dress in the skins of Chinese beggars. There is class SLOTH which consists of homunculi which are basically glasses of water, which in turn are homunculi, which are basically glasses of water, which in turn are homunculi, and so on. Be careful what you drink. There is class GLUTTONY which consists of homunculi who are like stupid dumb brainless pigs without the oh so amusing squiggly tail. There is class PRIDE which consists of homunculi who like act like seemingly innocent kawaii little kiddies, except that they have demented shadows which like to eat KFC. (WHO DOESN'T???)
As for the other 8 homunculi species, well, they all died off in the Ishbalan Massacre.
Homunculus Habitat[edit]
These tiny creatures live almost everywhere on the Earth's surface, except Queensland, Australia. They prefer warm, moist climates (such as inside the human appendix), but can withstand temperatures as low as -200,000 degrees celsius, although why they would want to is unknown. In addition to inside a person, Homunculi will make homes inside sheep, cows, geese, tractors, old tires, wax figures, the number 17, Mao's Little Red Book, pea pods, malfunctioning computers, Edwardian antiques, Strom Thurman's corpse, cities built from Rock 'n' Roll, websites which are 'Not Found', old REO Speedwagon mix tapes, and Pagodas.
Homunculus Behavior[edit]
Homunculi spend most of their time destroying the place in which they find themselves (similar to Frat Boys). This often puts them at odds with human beings, who need often need the organs or expensive electronic equipment that Homunculi are inhabiting and, this, actively destroying. A Homunculus will use its sharp teeth and tiny fists of fury to slowly but surely destroy most natural and nearly man-made materials (except tafetta). Despite their love of destruction, Homunculi are social creatures, forming into groups or "possies" containing 3 to 7 individuals. These "possies" center around a dominant male, called a "Big Pappa", who gets first choice of females. In order to secure control of a group, males will compete in contests of mental and physical sharpness, boasting of themselves in long, rhyming poems ("spitting hot fire") and doing complex, herky-jerky dances ("poppin' an' lockin'"). Scientists theorize that the "Big Pappa" chooses his mates on the basis of their "mosquito bite" size, but not knowing what that means, it remains only conjecture. Homunculi mate approximately 17 times a day, but they seldom actually bare offspring, due to an infrequent fertile period in females and the fact that they are always smart and use protection.
Interesting Facts[edit]
-You can't stop and won't stop Homunculi
-Homunculi hate Chuck Norris, but love the slow lorris
-Homunculi are highly poisonous if ingested, but only to a small type of Eurasian bear.
-When infesting a corpse, Homunculi will routinely crawl in and crawl out and play pinochle on its nasal extremity.
-Homunculi didn't start the fire, no they didn't light it, but they tried to fight it.
-All Homunculi dream of having a country of their own, called Norway, and for the country currently known as Norway to be re-named "Not Norway"
-Homunculi all have known to have a red tattoo of a donkey eating its own tail, a biological symbol known as the Euro bros.