Vorlon Rouge!

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Nicole Kidman. The necklace she is wearing is made of real diamonds, and is worth over 1.5 million Euros

Vorlon Rouge! is a musical made in 2001 by Baz Luhrmann and J. Michael Straczynski. Set in the Vorlon Rouge, a nightclub in Babylon 5 at the turn of the 20th Century, Vorlon Rouge! explores themes of love, the Shadow War and the tyranny of the Psi-Corps.

Plot - Warning! Spoilers! Goddamn Spoilers! Don't read, your enjoyment will be spoiled! We mean it! Fucking spoilers ahead, right ahead here![edit]

The plot begins with Commander Sheridan (Ewan McGregor), a young poet/space commander attracted to Babylon 5's Montmarte district. He is drawn by the place's atmosphere - a mixture of Bohemianism, oxygen, nitrogen and trace elements. There he falls in love with the beautiful singer, Kosh (Nicole Kidman). Kosh's employer, the Vorlon Rouge's owner G'kar (Jim Broadbent) is intent on pimping Kosh to the wealthy Londo Mollari (Richard Roxburgh). This complicates matters, and it takes Sheridan all of two minutes to win Kosh's undying love and affection.

At this point, Babylon 5 comes under attack from the deadly Shadows, and Sheridan has to travel to Z'ha'dum, Belgium to defeat them. Kosh is then forced to call upon the power of the First Ones to do battle with the allies of the Shadows attacking from the future, whilst Delenn (Kylie Minogue) becomes a half Minbari, half French hybrid in an effort to draw the two races together. Michael Garibaldi (Bruce Willis) then sings Roxanne in a gravelly voice whilst wasted on absinthe.

In the spectacular finale, Sheridan and the gang decide to put on a show. Londo realises that he has been duped, and attempts to kill Kosh, but is shot dead by Lt. Ivanova (Marilyn Monroe), leaving Vir (Jimmy Stewart) as Centauri Emperor. Having gone to such a great length to set up a happy ending, the filmmakers arbitrarily cause Kosh to die. Then thousands of Internet geeks set up fan sites, obsessively detailing every aspect of the movie.

Wikipedia-Style Anal Retentive List of Songs and Tunes[edit]

  • Star Blazers theme - sung by David Bowie during introduction
  • Sink the Bismark - sung by Sheridan soon after meeting Garibaldi and Ivanova
  • Popcorn - played during the first dance sequence at the Vorlon Rouge
  • A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall - sultry solo by Kosh
  • Medley - Monster Mash, Don't Worry, Be Happy, Fight For Your Right to Party, Mairzy Doats and Dozy Doats and God Save the King - love duet by Sheridan and Kosh
  • Have You Seen Your Mother Baby Standin' in the Shadow - chorus of Shadows and Allies
  • In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida - sung by G'Kar, with accompanying drum solo by Londo Milari.
  • You Were Always On My Mind - sung by Alfred Bester and the Psi Corps Choir (Interpreters will be made available for the hard-of-thinking)
  • Fairy Princesses Summoning Mothra Song - hummed vaugely by Sheridan
  • Danny Boy - your uncle Eamon after he's had a few
  • The Laughing Gnome - sung by Tom Cruise
  • Old Man River - Dawn of the Third Age Mix - finale, sung by Pat Boone, Elton John and Madonna
  • Irritating Screech Intended to Empty the Cinema - Marilyn Manson