Goldilocks and the Triumvirate of Bears (film)

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Goldilocks and the Triumvirate of Bears is a 2013 fantasy-adventure film based on Robert Southey's fairy tale Goldilocks and the Three Bears. The film is directed by Kenneth Branagh.


Goldilocks tasted the porridge. It was cold. And she could detect clearly the bitter-almond taste of cyanide on her tongue. But she had prepared for this her whole life, building resistance to ever-increasing quantities of poison as she trained to avenge the death of her parents at the hands of the Three Bears. She knew that a legion of bears, 300,000 strong, was about to descend on the last remaining stronghold of humans, a fortress in the side of a mountain known as Mother Goose's Deep. She could hear a dissonant, ominous orchestra, for some reason.

She sat in a chair. It was too big. After all, bears are fucking huge animals and require rather large chairs, if they ever require chairs at all. She remembered seeing her friends mauled by bears in the extermination camp before they were all gassed.

Exhausted by her long journey into the desolate land of Ursor, she lay in a bed. It was too hard. But she knew that it was nothing compared to the iron bed of nails that the Triumvirate would use on her if she were captured. Interestingly enough, the Eye of Papa Bear could not see her. She knew she had to destroy the gold dental grill, which contained all of the world's nuclear access codes.


  • Shia Labeouf stars as Goldilocks, a courtesan and assassin who has vowed to kill the Triumvirate.
  • A digitally-reconstructed Marilyn Monroe plays herself as Goldilocks' main love interest.
  • Sir Ian McKellen plays Albion Woten, the wizard and headmaster who helps Goldilocks in her quest.
  • Michelle Obama makes a cameo appearance as a Kenyan housewife.

Critical reception[edit]

The film received somewhat negative reviews. Noted film critic J. Yorick expressed concern that, despite its lavish, endless 3D sequences of innumerable bears sparring with hoplites, the work does little to reconcile man with his mortality, or address the problem of child soldiers.

Box office performance[edit]

Goldilocks was hugely successful among both children and adults, grossing more than the GDP of Greece, Spain, and Ireland combined. However, we never find out if Goldilocks does indeed kill the Triumvirate.

As a result the remaining 15 minutes (in-universe time) of the story will broken down into a series of sequels, with each movie encompassing half the quantity of in-universe time as the previous one. Experts predict that this will continue until the heat death of the universe.