Jesus Christ Must Die

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Jesus Christ Must Die is a major motion picture released in the summer of 2006, focusing on the alleged love triangle of Jesus Christ.


JC Must Die...
The movie begins when Jesus realizes that Joseph is not really his father and runs away from his family. He first meets the fishermen James and John. He then meets the fishermen Simon and Andrew. Jesus heals Simon's mother-in-law, much to his simultaneous chagrin and relief. To express his thanks, Andrew teaches Jesus the art of picking up women, mostly to get Jesus out of his hair and off that Son of God business.

Jesus meets a person known as The Woman at the Well. She was always at the well, trying to draw up water, but she never could. No matter how hard she turned the crank, it never budged. She had been trying to turn that crank for nearly two years. Jesus tried turning the crank the other way to draw water up, and it miraculously worked. She was so grateful, that... well, you don't see what actually happens when the two of them go down the well together. You do get to see Him blast Himself like a rocket OUT of the well and bring the Woman at the Well back up.

After some more traveling with his fanboys, He meets two lovely sisters, Martha and Mary Magdalene. Upon His arrival, Mary treated him to a full body massage, while Martha made dinner. The two sisters bickered over who got to do him first.

Mary storms out of the house and gets all angry. The Woman at the Well hears this, as well as another woman she was talking to (who is married to a Roman centurion). Martha leaves the house to join the three ladies for a smoke. After a brief discussion, all four women realize that they each were "exclusively" dating Jesus, and that Jesus Christ must die. They meet with Judas, one of Jesus' fanboys and devise a plan to ruin him.

That night, Jesus figures out that He's busted and tells all His fanboys that He must die, stay dead for three days, and return from the dead. All the fanboys say that He can't die and come back due to certain physical impossibilities, but He knows He's a dead man and has to own up to the facts.

The next morning, Jesus goes off to meditate and practice tai chi. Judas stops by and kisses him on the cheek in front of several voyeuristic Roman officers. The kiss was the officer's cue to enter. Jesus is promptly arrested for public indecency, several charges of "making a scene", claiming to be the Son of God (which only crazy people do) and one count of statutory rape.

Jesus' record was quite long, and His trial is quite brief. He is condemned to death by crucifixion. He is big enough of a man wuss that He does not appeal his charges, but rather accepts His death sentence. Mary cries when she realizes that He would be killed; she only wanted to teach Him a lesson. The next morning, he screams in agony and dies.

However, true to his word, he comes back from the dead three days later. He appears before Mary and tells her that she was the one He truly loved. However, she doesn't buy it. Instead, she runs off and tells the fanboys that Jesus came back. She is promptly arrested and sent to an insane asylum. He then tries appearing before His fanboys. Of course, they were smoking a bong with questionable contents when he appeared, so they really weren't sure what to believe. He reassured them He was real and back from the dead, and told them, "If you ever see Fred Phelps, tell him I said he's an idiot." With these words, he vanished and ascended to Heaven.


I give this movie thumbs up!

“There's no way that Jesus Christ would ever associate with women. There's just no way.”

~ Pat Robertson on Jesus' love affairs

“The Woman at the Well was a prostitute. What could she possibly offer Our Lord?”

~ Billy Graham on Jesus' love affairs

“Come on, tell me you wouldn't tap that ass.”

~ Hugh Hefner on Mary Magdalene

“Sure. When I say he made babies, nobody listens. But when somebody else says it, it's fucking Gospel!”

~ Dan Brown on Jesus' love affairs

“Who or What Our Lord does on His own time is His business and His alone.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus' love affair

“Three thumbs down! It was vulgar, childish and demeaning. I want the last 100 minutes of my life back.”

~ Roger Ebert on the movie

“Damn. Just... damn.”

~ Fred Phelps on Jesus' love affair


~ Anonymous on Fred Phelps

“In Soviet Russia, Jesus kill YOU!!

~ Russian reversal on Jesus Christ must die

This movie caused major uproars from every direction. The factual accuracy of Jesus' alleged love affairs has been heavily disputed and theorized about.