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“Best movie I've ever seen!”
Sharknado, the massively grossing film of 2013 featuring the likes of 'Sharké' from High School Musical and Shark O'Neal the famous NBA player, is written and directed by legendary director Arnold Schwarzenegger. It has enjoyed its time in the limelight picking up many awards and accolades from a variety of sources.
A real story of the underdogs, Sharknado was filmed on a shoestring budget of the entire contents of its producer's purse. It is mostly unknown what the contents were, but Universal Studios revealed in an interview with Oprah that the purse, at least, contained three baht and multiple rupees, as well as a pack of gum, and a Nokia mobile phone. The name of the producer has been legally withheld from all media, as they are under the age of thirteen.
The movie's production went from disaster to disaster. After a cholera outbreak just two hours into filming, the star-studded list including Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe and Anne Hataway, all left to go and join a movie where they needed to appear sick. With no money left in the budget, Schwarzenegger was forced to employ members of the protest group that had formed out the front of the set.
This protest group, protesting against cruelty towards the many sharks that were being maimed in the production of the film, formed many of the extras in the film. Unfortunately, many of these extras were killed on set after the green screen shielding from the CGI Tornado was set on fire by a cigarette butt. The freed tornado went on to kill 81 members of the cast and backstage crew, before it was brought under control by the local fire department and a group of passing meteorologists.
Other tragedies including a double suicide murder, armed robbery and bomb scare have been brought to the police's attention, and will be eventually dealt with. The reported 428 shark deaths in the area were found to be "unrelated" to the cause by Deputy Sheriff Jim.
The final edits were completed two days after the movie went to cinemas, hence the large plot gap in the middle and occasional black and white scene.
Set in Oklahoma, Arizona Sharknado follows the horrible events of June 31, 2004. After an error printing the calendar, June 31 (Backwards 13) sparked a series of horrible crises throughout Asia. Then, as the date rolled around the world, catastrophes continued, and the prophesy of raining sharks was to be fulfilled.
Sharké, a beautiful bombshell from France meets Shark O'Neal on a bus heading into the town as warnings of a Super-cell are heard on the news. Soon, sharks are raining down, attacking everyone from the safety of the rapidly rising flood waters. Unable to save everyone on the bus, O'Neal grabs Sharké and the two head for the safety of a local harpoon store. Stealing a harpoon, Sharké accidentally shoots the mayor of the town three times in the head and is arrested. Desperate to free Sharké, the only one in town who knew of the ancient prophesy, O'Neal fights Sharks and Police in order to rescue Sharké, who falls in love with him.
According to the prophesy, the only way to defeat the sharks is to cover them in oil and set them on fire. With little time left, Sharké and O'Neal attempt to defeat the sharks using an oil tanker. However, Sharké again misses with the harpoon and ignites the fuel tank of the truck, detonating the truck right in front of the local library. Burning books are sent flying through the air, and the ensuing wildfires destroy many homes and businesses.
As the jails become full of looters, Sharké and O'Neal are put in prison again, and their relationship (only hours old) begins to break down again. The guards, sick and tired of their excessive quarrelling, separate them forcefully. Beginning to pine after his lover, O'Neal begins a riot in the prison, and breaks out all of the criminals and frees his true love for the second time.
The Sharknado is now looking to move down the line, into Texas, and the only people capable of stopping them are Sharké and O'Neal. After the original oil idea didn't work, O'Neal remembers eating fish inside the prison, and thinking how oily they were. Sharké suggests that whales are just big fish, and would therefore contain more oil. So, whales are imported in droves, then set on fire and sent into the tornado. The burning carcasses rain down over the town, killing people and sharks alike. As the waters began to subside, the Nile river turned into a torrent.
A flaming whale carcass falls out of the sky and knocks O'Neal into the torrent. With nothing but a harpoon to save him, Sharké is forced to take a shot, even though she knows she will probably miss. Screaming at her as he is pushed down the Nile, O'Neal tells her to take the shot. However, unlike every 90s cliché, Sharké has no success. She shoots O'Neal through the arm, pinning him to a tree.
The movie ends with Sharké and her new boyfriend turning off O'Neal's life support just two days after the incident, to get the insurance payout, and begin life again in Anglo-Saxonia.
Sharknado is yet to be shown at any receptions. However, after Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were abducted by the producer, the film grossed a whopping $US148Trillion, destroying the record set by the Batman movie released in 2012.
Sharknado won thirty-four Oscars, two Emmys and a Tony. It was nominated for two Johnnys, a Stewie, Freddy, and Timmy. However, in the Golden Globes, Sharknado was controversially overlooked for other competitive films, such as the latest Jason Bourne film.
Many professionals inside the industry have ridiculed Sharknado. They claim that it is not ingenious or realistic, despite real whale and shark carcasses being used inside the film. Additionally, Stevie Wonder claims to have been shown the new James Bond film instead of Sharknado.
The greatest controversy of the film comes from the protests occurring at every cinema that is showing the film. So far, three protests have occurred, each for different reasons. Environmentalists are protesting due to the extensive damage done to the Arizonan forests, as well as the mistreatment of sharks, whales, penguins and other marine life, during the filming of the film. Other groups are protesting against the large amounts of child slave labor, allegedly occurring in film production sweatshops in India, where the producer is supposedly from. Finally, many anarchy activists are also protesting outside the cinema, as they love a good party.
In the coming years, Sharknado will be rereleased in 3D, produced on Blu-Ray and emailed to Somalian Pirates. Moreover, Microsoft have hinted at an X-Box version of the movie, for release in 2014. Within weeks, Sony released plans for a PS3 version due out "a week before the X-Box version."
Sharknado™ ® is © to The Asylum, CA.