The avocado is a racially superior dessert food. I stress dessert food, lest we confuse the avocado with a mere cake or another dreadfully inadequate key lime pie. Like a king made of solid emerald, the avocado reigns over the fatty foods food group with a leafy fist. The Avocado enforces its superiority with its caring policies of banning minorities.
With its green skin, green flesh, and disgusting brown seed , the avocado is envied by many for its homogenous perfection. Carrots across the country rampage at the avocado's epic egg-shapedness, which not even the misnamed eggplant can match. The unique qualities of the avocado lends itself to numerous applications no other vegetable may even aspire to imitate. A misguided youth, caught without supplies, attempted to make guacamole with a peanut. Catastrophe ensued. This man's name is Adolf Hitler.
Weighing in at an average of 100kg, the avocado can hold its own in any vegetable fighting competition. The reedy celery is snapped asunder by the viridian verisimilitude of the avocado. Even the not-so-great pumpkin, at the sight of the avocado's very hue, is readily sent into a teary fit. Well, it would be, if pumpkins could talk.
One can use the avocado for untold hundreds of purposes. Here are a few.
- Guacamole: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Serve with chips (fries, if you're American).
- California rolls: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Add imitation crab meat. Serve with rice and seaweed.
- Wallpaper paste: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Apply to wall. Serve with wallpaper.
Your lips will be left smacking in orgasmic delight.
How to Identify
Avocados are, surprisingly, difficult to find in certain areas. Canadians must pay upwards of $60-80 to jolt their taste buds with the roller coaster ride that is the avocado. While far more common in America, many unenlightened Americans misidentify the avocado as the misshapen lime or a very small watermelon.
A fresh avocado can be identified by its skin. The skin has to look like an emerald. Being a distant relative of the crocodile, the avocado's skin is calloused and rough, nearing indestructibility. Avocados are, thus, also well-used by terrorist cells as projectiles in makeshift mortars.