The Satanic Verses of Bhagavad-gita
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“When doubts haunt me and disappointments stare me in the face and I see not one ray of hope on the horizon, I turn to the Bhagavad-gita and find a verse to comfort me; I immediately begin to SMILE in the midst of overwhelming sorrow.”
“Anyone who is not amused by the Bhagavad-gita has not understood it, though has now come to the right place.”
The Satanic Verses of Bhagavad-gita is a 2005 Indian religion non-fiction action film and the sequel to the Bhagavad-gita. Directed and written by Kedar Joshi (Curse Be Upon Him), it suspensefully reveals that he who appeared as the protagonist in the prequel is in fact the antagonist. It stars Lord Krishna, A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, Wendy Doniger, Christopher Hitchens, Anand Neelakantan, Meghnad Desai, and Salman Rushdie. Initially Wendy Doniger was reluctant to work with all these lusty guys, but finally she agreed. The film made a box office success and influenced popular Indian culture by igniting never before seen riots across the country. Deepa Mehta, the brave Indo-Canadian film director, is reported to be planning a new sequel.
Through His unparalleled skills in the Bhagavad-gita, Lord Krishna manages to make His countrymen think of Him as the ultimate source of joy, bounty, and happiness. With the unrelenting aid of His devotees He even succeeds in gaining quite a few followers in the West. One of such staunch followers is a naive American named Wendy Doniger.
One night, in her dream, she sees a respectable man doing to an innocent girl what he would be least expected to do, resting where he would not be supposed to rest, playing what he would not even in the wildest dreams be thought to play with. She wakes up from the dream only to realize that the man is no one but the Lord Himself and the girl is none other than she herself. Suspicious, she calls her even more suspicious team of friends and writers, Hitchens, Neelakantan, Desai and Rushdie, who grumble that He who is portrayed as the greatest yogi is in fact just like any other male human being.
The Lord serenely admits the fact of His resurrection, but denies any underlying attraction, insisting He was only doing His sacred duty as a detached Karmayogi. Hitchens refuses to acknowledge this unfathomable logic on the very logical basis that action can only stem from desire, further challenging the Lord that if He were a true Yogi, He, the Supersoul, would be quite happy within Himself and would not keep creating and recreating this shitty world in the first place. Desai uncovers that He who is revered by billions as God could actually be only that which God hates the most, as He Himself says that He alone does everything, and therefore He alone is responsible for every screwed up thing in the world, and Rushdie points out that He who claims to be a Hindu messiah looks more like a Muslim activist who is obligated to scare the hell out of anyone who would not share his creed, who condemns people who do not uphold Him, such as those from the rational religion as well as those from the amusing religions, as Devilish, whom He claims to wipe off the planet like a Terminator each and every generation.
The forlorn Lord reacts by saying that it is in fact He alone that exists and everything else, including the team itself, is mere stuff of His dreaming. But Neelakantan protests that if the entire creation is but a dream, why a dream that has so much evil, so much genocide, so many holocausts, so many fat women, so much suffering? He may be only dreaming but the fact remains that His preplanned, fatalistic dream makes endless, abysmal pain exist. The team thus exposes the true face of the Lord making Him look like Shame, the destroyer of selves. The world, as a result, ends, and so does the film.
- His Holiness Lord Krishna as The main protagonist-turned-antagonist.
- Her Hotness Wendy Doniger as The innocent virgin, who, disappointed in the Lord, later becomes a proud member of the International Society for Krishna Unconsciousness and writes the book The Hindus: An Alternative History
- His Henchman A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada as The Lord's chief henchman, the founder of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, and the author of Bhagavad-Gītā As It Is Not
- Anand Neelakantan as The oppressed untouchable from India and the author of Asura: Tail of the Vanquished, in which he exposes the true face of the Lord's previous avatar
- Meghnad Desai as The Indian-born British estate agent and the author of Who the fuck Wrote the Bhagavadgita??????
- Salman Rushdie as The notorious author of The Satanic Verses in which he trolls the Lord's arch-rival Allah
- A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada: [speaking to the Lord's other henchmen] Let there be one scripture only, one common scripture for the whole world—Bhagavad-Gītā As It Is Not. Let there be one God for the whole world—Lord Krishna.
- [Krishna and Doniger's bed scene]
- Lord Krishna: My dear Wendy, whence has come to thee this stain of spirit in this hour of delight? It is not at all befitting a woman who knows the value of life. It leads not to higher contentment but to despondency.
- Wendy Doniger: O Supreme Person, how can I in bed take a man like you who is worthy of my worship?
- Lord Krishna: While speaking learned words, you are mourning because of what is worthy of moaning!
- Lord Krishna: Some look on the orgasm as amazing, some describe it as amazing, and some hear of it as amazing, while others, even after hearing about it, cannot understand it at all.
- Lord Krishna: As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the penis similarly accepts new pussies, giving up the old and useless ones.
- Lord Krishna: The Durex condom can never be cut to pieces by a weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.
- Lord Krishna: To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction.
- Lord Krishna: What is night for all beings is the time of awakening for the sexy; and the time of awakening for all beings is night for the wanky.
- Wendy Doniger: O Lord, O Krishna, why do you want me to eat it, when you hold that restraint is superior to indulgence?
- Lord Krishna: O sinless Wendy, I have already explained that there are two kinds of people who try to realize the divine. Some are inclined to understand it by expeditious methods and others by devotional service.
- Lord Krishna: The four sex positions were created by me, divided according to skills and orientations. In the missionary I am Arnie. In doggy style I am Genghis Khan. In spooning I am Pope Benedict. In woman-on-top I make moan even the Chancellor of Germany.
- [A little after the team rushes in]
- Lord Krishna: Yet these great makings, Christopher! involve Me not
Enchain Me not! I sit apart from them,
Other, and Higher, and Free; nowise attached!
- Lord Krishna: Fools piss on me when I come to the Earth and dwell in the human form, my real nature they know not as the great Terminator of beings.
- Lord Krishna: There are two types of people in this world, O Salman, the Divine and the Devilish; the Devilish people say that the world is without God, you know, the people just like you!
- Lord Krishna: These cruel and hateful
Base men, in each and every continent,
These wicked ones, I constantly hurl
Into demoniac wombs alone.
- Lord Krishna: Desire, anger, and greed: that is the destruction of the self, the triple gate of hell, so abandon those three.
- Meghnad Desai: Look who is talking now!
- Lord Krishna: There lives the Supreme Lord in the hearts of men, O Meghnad
Maketh their deeds, by subtle pulling—strings,
Dance to what tune HE will.
- Anand Neelakantan: My dear Lord Krishna, I see assembled in Your body all the demidevils and various other crappy entities. I see Hitler speaking at a Nuremberg Rally, as well as Muhammad and all the other terrorists.
- Christopher Hitchens: You are the Supreme Personality of Evil, the only one responsible for all the mess in the world.
- Salman Rushdie: Wherever there is Krishna, the master of all culprits, and wherever there is Doniger, the supreme virgin, there will also certainly be lust, force, magic, and immorality. That is my conviction.
- Lord Krishna: Now I am become Shame, the destroyer of selves.
Release and reception
As expected, the whole country was set on fire by fundamental forces. Shops were closed, men burnt alive, petrol was poured into the mouths of little children, while their mothers were kept busy. Before burning a man alive he was asked to take his pants off and show his cock to the mob. If the mob was Hindu and the cock Muslim, the man would be burnt alive. If the mob was Muslim and the cock Hindu, again the man would be burnt alive. Men with no cock were given the benefit of doubt. Lord Krishna took full advantage of the riots. Joshi was immediately arrested and hanged. Arrest warrants were also issued for all the lead actors in the film, including Salman Rushdie who was caught by the Interpol while making love to 10–15 American models 40–45 years younger than his age. Hitchens thought getting cancered would be a better option than rotting in an Indian jail. Doniger was convicted of hurting tender Hindu sentiments and was sentenced to life imprisonment. The chief officer on duty at the prison was Lord Krishna Himself.
Impact and legacy
Director Deepa Mehta going home after announcing the cast.
“The death of reason is the birth of Bhagavad-gita.”
“I regard [Bhagavad-gita] as a philosophy born of ignorance and as a source of untold comedy to the human race.”
“I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy surfing on the Internet, and diverting myself in now and then finding an amusing article or a funnier joke than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of Bhagavad-gita lay all undiscovered before me.”
“The saddest thing I can imagine is getting used to not reading the Bhagavad-gita.”
“Humour alone will endure, all the rest will be swept away before the tide of time.”
“Man is by nature a humorous animal.”
“The Satanic Verses of Bhagavad-gita is a bouquet composed of the beautiful flowers of satirical truths collected from the Bhagavad-gita.”
| Warning! The reading of this article has given you an extremely bad Karma.
The best solution is to go here and take a bath.
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