Spooning
Spooning is a sleeping position that dates back to medieval times. Its origins can be traced to covens of evil witches trying to rob peaceful slumber from hard working men. The act has been carried on for centuries, being taught by mother to daughter, in an eternal onslaught of female tyranny.
The position[edit]
While on their sides the male is entangled behind the female. The name of the position is clearly derived from its resembling two forks jammed together and balanced on the end of a toothpick. Women will often wiggle their moneymaker and rub their hindquarters seductively to get the man to oblige into this lie of nurturing. This is the trap as yet to be sprung. Once caught in the allure of naughty grinding the woman falls asleep leaving the man captured and with wood. Attempts to escape are met with the double-barreled lies of nuzzle and sexy whimper.
Ancient spooning[edit]
Egyptian pyramids have been decorated with drawings showing kittens, their most-honored beasts of burden, in the spoon position. Scholars have debated if these are showing cats in rest or rather in the heated throws of furry cat-orgy, but for our purposes its spooning. As slave workers completed their daily pyramid building ahead of schedule each day pharaohs thought they were too good at their work, they were slaves after all, there should be some measure of toil and anguish. Nubile young women were sent among the slave camps at night. The next day the pharaohs did grin at the obvious crooked backs and droopy eyes of their slave population.
In medieval times when women became overwhelmed with bodices, chastity belts, and those gay-looking powdered wigs, they decided it was time for men to suffer. They turned to the wisest of their time, and when none could be found they sought out the soothsayers, and when they were discovered to be insane someone saw the cover of a National Geographic featuring pyramids and their solution was found.
How to stop it[edit]
Men have been trying to escape from or at least cope with the spoon for eons. Some settle with the arm-under-the-pillow technique, which ameliorates the issue of lost blood flow but does not bring sweet slumber altogether. The following is a closely guarded list of things that can give a window of opportunity:
- Eat a dead rat Before bedtime consume a dead rat — whole. Once in the spoon position open your mouth and breath heavily on your partner's neck. She should either shun you away or spasm violently from the smell. Either way you're free.
- Taco Bell The bean burrito is your salvation. Lew's Skool of Spuds n Stuff recommends eating at least two (but no more than four unless you intend to burn your sheets in the morning). As digestion completes you will find the supreme power to summon a foul cloud demon from your ass to aid you. (It is also well known that females have a minus-four penalty-vs-breath weapon so the ass-rot will have the advantage.) To expand this effect a Dutch Oven is also a big thumbs up.
- Be the Dutch Boy Call her bluff and put your finger in the...um...yeah. It is recommended that your knees be crossed prior to this move for protections against retaliation.
- Deviate your septum Breaking your nose might seem extreme, but the plan is twofold: You will develop a lumberjack-like snore and a cool story, e.g. how it got broken.