Sanskrit

Sanskrit is just one of many languages in India.

“Karma is NOT a Sanskrit word - it's "hippie" for 'pay back'”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on Sanskrit's 3rd word discovery claim

Sanskrit is the oldest of old languages. It's the awesomiest of awesome languages. It's the perfectest of perfect languages. As such it has been chosen as a fitting unofficial non-spoken language for the young, vibrant, not-so-perfect democratic federation of India. Sanskrit is so ancient that only two words of it remain today, viz., "sanskrit" - which means "Sanskrit" and "OM" - which means "OM" when translated into any known language. As such it is the only two-worded language left in the World, any words can be made in Sanskrit. And it also happened to be the mother of all languages, which means that without sanskrit you won't be reading this.

Description

Sanskrit is the Latin of the South-east. No one talks it, but every pundit has to learn it in order to appear educated. The Gods speak in Sanskrit. They wouldn't hear you if you tried conversing with them in any other language -- with the exception of Dutch: in which case they'd chortle loudly. Also, according to Penny Arcade, Linux love Sanskrit, and it can be learned in the time it takes to install Devil May Cry 4 on the Playstation 3.

History

Indian postage stamp depicting Panini (1685)
Panini is shown writing the grammar of Sanskrit in Kharoshti with the implication that he had Divine help.

The Sanskrit people invented the alphabet. All the letters look like windows with all sorts of creatures looking through them. Maybe that's because that's what you see in India. The Sanskrit alphabet has hundreds of letters, so no one's ever mastered more than four of them in his lifetime.

Sanskrit was constantly refined, and with the completion of Panini's grammar book in 400 B.C. it was made so perfect that not a single syllable could be added in order to make it more beautiful, more multi-faceted, more smooth and more pleasant to your tongue (also my tongue).

Fate

The fate of Sanskrit was sealed when the teenagers and cricket hooligans of the classic age fast dropped any attempt to create any new street talk or add slang contributions to the language, due to the languages achieved state of perfection. The poets stopped inventing new Jabberwocky poems. The lovers quit inventing new sweet nonsensical flatteries, since they all seemed so gross compared to the delicate fragrances of perfectly phrased sanskrit prose. Hence the language rapidly slipped out of everyday conversation and got replaced by crude prakrit, a vernacular so coarse and imperfect that Buddha had to invent meditation in silence just to protect his ears from it.

What about this guy Panini?

This guy Panini, was born and brought up in a old submarine that drowned in the International waters about 600 years before he was born. His\Her\Whatever mother was known to purchase oxygen cylinders so much that Indian scuba-divers had to stay above waters for almost 60 years. Panini was educated in a school in Underground India, He was later found trying to prove that ${\sqrt {2}}$ is irrational, which the rational Pathagoreans had already proved to be rational. Legend has it that he was drowned into the dead sea along with Noah's Ark by the zealot Pythgoreans. Later it was discovered that Pythagoras himself was disguised as Panini. He was reborn as Jesus later to upend the infamous Ark.