Indian Institutes of Technology
The Indian Institutes of Technology (IIT) is the newer name for the Institute of Infinite Tension, higher-learning facilities of "national importance" set up by the Indian Parliament at various sites across India, selected purely on their merits; namely, political loyalty to the ruling party.
IIT was the brainchild of Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru to reduce the brains of India's children. Just like Zion in Matrix, where the 3% of dissenters are herded to keep them from disrupting society, the Government of India brought the country's mouthiest 3% to the IITs, to prepare them for export.
The IITs are very productive, based on the only known measure, their number, which has grown from a single institute in 1951 to 16 today.
Admission to IIT is via an exam called the Joint Entrance Exam (JEE). One or two joints before beginning the exam is a guarantee of a more pleasant test-taking experience. India's geeks and nerds start cramming for the JEE right after entering kindegarten. The very first question on the JEE is:
- Do you have a girlfriend?
The correct answer is: What's a girl? and any other answer disqualifies the applicant. Girls are considered unfit to get into IITs, even if they know what a girl is, though some manage to get into IITs by disguising themselves as boys, typically using Coke-bottle glasses with nerd straps and white lab coats.
As they say, if the input is right, the output is automatically right. The six-hour JEE comprises questions on physics, chemistry, and maths, but omits practical subjects like booze, drugs, and crime. Since Indians excel at rote memorization rather than creative problem-solving, many of the questions on the JEE are repeated year after year.
Recently there has been public outcry to admit some percentage of students on the basis of a quota system. Their argument has been that IITs have always admitted a large number of students who came through the Kota system, and all they are demanding is to modernise the spelling.
The IIT curriculum carefully avoids real-world relevance. This leads students to take up alternate learning routes, most commonly, Pr0n. The IIT alumni, understanding the tremendous potential of the Internet, provided all hostel rooms with free and unlimited Internet. The IIT administration put lecture videos on the LAN, but still awaits news that any student has watched it instead of the other available alternatives. The IITians are also forced to eat mess food, preparing them for the worst they will ever face in life.
Students learn how to make 50 paladins in 25 minutes and get three frags per shot. Some creative minds also make a quick buck by selling MMS clips online. The occasional classroom assignments teach students how to use Google adeptly, and how to insert falsifications to reduce the risk of having one's paper identified as plagiarism. For low-tech plagiarists, there is a copy centres every 100 metres to minimise waste of time.
Lectures are conducted from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. IST (Indian Stretchable Time). It has been established by years of testing that the time can be stretched to as much as 30 minutes beyond provided it is backed by a cardinal excuse.
The IITs have a uniform grading system, devised by God to distinguish the 'maggu' and the 'lukkha':
- AA - Absolutely Amazing
- AB - Also the Best
- BB - Behind the Best
- BC - Better than CC
- CC - Chutiya/Clever
- CD - Chutiya/Dumb (Cross-dressers are rated separately)
- DD - Dumber than Dumb
- FR - Fucking Retard
- XX - eXcess of XXX
- II - Ignorant Idiot
- SS - Sindh Suar (Sindh Pig, Sindh is a state of Pakistan)
How to identify an IITian
An IITian is identified by the following typical traits:
- The bore-you-to-death syndrome that all IITians are cursed with. IITians are identified by people dozing off in his vicinity, whether he is expounding on Bernoulli's theorem or how much curd rice he can stuff in his mouth.
- Love of buttermilk - Any guy with an unusual love for curd rice or buttermilk is sure to be an IITian. Research is still being conducted so as to ascertain the relationship between average amount of curd in a person's body and his chances of getting into IIT.
- Useless Research. No IITian has ever discovered anything worthwhile during his lifetime, because all his time is wasted either drinking or researching dairy products.
- Speaking in English that discloses his outrageously broad vocabulary and narrow reach of how to combine the words to mean anything.
- Astonishing sex toys - An average IITian has sex with his physics book every second night. It was fellow IITians who conducted the lengthy and expensive research to publish this statistic. IITians may also mate with test tubes, barometers, screw gauges, and vernier calipers.
- Obesity - All that curd and no exercise obviously leads to obesity, and to a notorious intolerance for jokes about fat.
- Girls? - That's what an IITian usually reacts to when asked about girls. Part of the confusion is that female IIT students would never be mistaken for girls.
- Pale skin and Thick glasses, a result of studying for unbelievably long hours in locked rooms with no sunlight.
Life and culture (or lack thereof)
An entrant to IIT has options other than the common learning route described above. Since the JEE takes care to select mavericks, many ignore the obvious functions of certain naughty parts of the human body and instead select alternative lifestyles. Female enrollees face a constant struggle to hide their identity, even through awkward moments such as when a gay IITian asks her to give him anal sex.
The alumni of the IITs have been successful throughout the world. Most either get frustrated and leave technical education to study management at IIMs, or start a company of their own in Silicon Valley. Those who develop a fetish for studies end up at Massachusetts Institute Of Technology.
- This is the contrapositive of the Western version, "Garbage in, garbage out."