BSNL

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BSNL is India's fastest Internet Service Provider (ISP). It is so fast that this page took only 82.3s to load. Its 95 million customers use it because they have either no other option (because they live in the world's most remote places) or because they are subjects in a research study on the effects of chronic frustration on mental health.

Some of BSNL's services include modem distribution (Empty lunch boxes stolen from 5-year-olds), Internet (air), and 3G (More air) that it hopes it can con the common Indian man into buying. Its renowned HelpDesk takes lunch breaks only between 9-10AM, 11-12AM, 12-3PM and 4-6PM and closes for the day at the first signs of sunset — usually 6PM.

History

BSNL, then known as the Department of Telecommunications, had been a near-monopoly during the socialist period of the Indian economy. During this period, BSNL was the only telecom service provider in the country. It operated as a typical state-run organization, inefficient, slow, bureaucratic, and heavily unionised. As a result, subscribers waited for up to five years to get a telephone connection. BSNL then grew phenomenally when it realized that the private sector could provide the same service on the same day.

BSNL "cons one new customer every 0.3 seconds," and hopes by the end of 2013 to be able to con 300 customers before any one of them can finish loading Google.

HelpDesk

BSNL recruits only the best personnel for their help desks. The IQ requirement to pass the help desk interview stands at a record 1.75 and only a very small percentage of qualified intellectuals make it through. Some people claim to have gotten a response within a few months; others never get a response, except on non-payment of bills.

The customer service team is friendly and BSNL employs the coveted "Robot Talk" voice training method. It is for this reason that BSNL employees often spew memorized pieces of text that they have been brainwashed into saying. If you confuse a BSNL employee on the phone, he often gets stuck in a memorized text infinite loop.

The Help Desk engages in team-building activities such as lunch breaks.

Technology and infrastructure

All BSNL offices use state-of-the-art Pentium II computers running Windows 95 SE, coupled with Internet Explorer 4.0. This earned them the famous Software and Technology Award in 2012, hosted by BSNL.

They have been using legacy UNIX shell servers and in order to keep up with the times, are now replacing these with Windows computers, Linux computers and refrigerators.

Information packets sent from a BSNL employees computer are routed over 750 times before it reaches the far corners of the same room. To win employee satisfaction awards, BSNL offices are equipped with motivational posters called tariff cards.

3G

BSNL has also launched a new line of 3G enabled SIM cards as well as dongles. They claim 100% uptime except in places where the signal is low or where it is otherwise impossible to construct a tower. Reports say that BSNL has a phenomenal 1% coverage across India, including rural India.

4G

Rumor has it BSNL is set to unleash a premium 4G line. It will be faster than human sperm and carry more information in one go as well.

5G

Why stop at 4? BSNL spokesperson Amit Dalal Shastry has claimed that their experienced R&D team is working on world class 5G speeds. Early birds will get a free dial-up modem as well as a authentic autographed poster of Deepika Padukone.