HelpDesk
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ”
“PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?”
“Its a help desk! ”
Taxonomy[edit]
The term originates from the English word "help", meaning to give assistance, which is bullshit because anybody who has ever worked at a helpdesk would much rather sodomize callers with rusty tools than offer any sort of meaningful assistance; and the word "desk", meaning table with drawers.
History[edit]
In 1917, Steve Jobs, with assistance from his domestic life-partner Steve Wozniak, blew his load on a television, then duct taped an apple to it and sold it as the first personal computer, the iCame. Nobody really knew what it was or how it was useful, but they overpaid for it anyway, starting a tradition amongst poorly-dressed hipsters of overpaying for crap and feeling superior for doing it. They may have made a phone and/or some type of electronic music player, but it is generally accepted that these products were flops.
Somewhere along the way, Bill Gates, a member of that whole "Yale thing" - you know, closet homosexual, did a lot of coke - found a way to manufacture an operating system from the hearts and brains of African orphans, which undercut the price of Steve Job's landmark product, causing a surging market share and a grassroots underground movement amongst greasy World of Warcraft players to live in their parents' basements and ween themselves of sunlight for as long as humanly possible. This product was known as Windows, or as the users know it, crap.
In 1939, Adolf Hitler invaded Poland with the objective of establishing a helpdesk. Several million people died when the implementation failed, although the effort is heralded as an important step in the right direction. To this day, Hitler is revered as a technical pioneer in tech-savvy countries such as Germany, France, Israel, Ethiopia, Antarctica, and Middle Earth.
Customer Service[edit]
The helpdesk, commonly referred to as helldesk due to the sunny disposition of customer service representatives, was born out of the need for assistance for those who use Gate's product, but still venture outdoors without a wizard's cap and robe. Many helpdesks exist, but few (if any) are helpful for anything more than being redirected to four different people and asked to restart no less than six times.
If it were a word to describe anything more useless than "completely useless", such a word would not be enough to adquately describe the level of useless achieved by the average helpdesk. The closest thing would probably be The French.
Helpdesk Staff[edit]
A helpdesk staffer, or customer service representative can be identified by their propensity to be generally unhelpful, a miserable attitude, and cheetos-stained fingers.
Helpdesk customer service representatives are not known to be sexually reproductive. However, they have been observed cultivating short-lasting relationships with women, generally limited to awkward introductions, stalking, and restraining orders. Helpdesk staff, when kept together in captivity, can be seen claiming superiority over one another, obsessing over computer hardware and software, claiming to know everything, shunning soap, and masturbating furiously.
More recently, a second species of helpdesk customer service representative has been identified, recognized by a generic American name (Steve, Jeff, Frank), and thick, middle-eastern accent, which most assume is most likely from New Jersey. Little else is known about this breed, as only one has ever been observed in the wild, shortly before his death. His name was Jim Balgangadharjawahl.
Hazards[edit]
The Tunguska explosion was caused when Yuri Orlov, helpdesk manager at Boris' House of Vodka, reached critical mass while researching female same-sex relationships. It is assumed that the friction caused by uncontrolled masturbation ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and led to the creation of a singularity event. The world's population of kittens is still recovering, albeit slowly.
Calling the helpdesk may also result in terminal illness, public humiliation, or suicide:
- According to generally accepted lore, Patrick Swayze called his ISP's helpdesk, and was promptly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
- Freddie Mercury dialed the wrong number in 1977, reaching a helpdesk customer service representative instead of his coke dealer. Needless to say, he died of AIDS.
- The Paris Hilton sex tape was released as a result of her complaint to the helpdesk that she "[C]an't, like, find the 'any' key!"
- Noted serial killer Ted Bundy has written several children's books in which he repeatedly blames Apple's customer service representatives for triggering his homicidal behavior. Helpdesk unions have berated Apple support for "being too soft on him."