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Lord Harold the 8th raps to Juna near Old Delhi

“You kill them all, I'll sort 'em out!”

~ Lord Harold advising Juna before the rumble of Old Delhi

Bhagavad-gita aka The Song of God -- the Hindu Bible -- is part of a fifty centuries old East Indian Sanskrit epic, The Mahabharata[1], which has the divine incarnation of the Kali Age, Harold VIII, the 8th incarnation of Vishnu, mixed up in an argument between five good Panda brothers, who gambled away their common wife and wealth, versus one-hundred evil Kuru cousins, who tricked them fair-n-square, all ready to fight over ownership of a “point of a needle of earth”. Before the battle began, Lord Harold, having failed handily in negotiating a peaceful settlement, laid down a philosophical rap song to his Panda pal, Juna,[2] a summary explanation and translation of which is given below.

This Song of God or East Side Story translation is preceded with an introduction by retired Banzai Pipeline surfing master, Gerry Lopez[3]:

Introduction by Jerry Lopez

About a-gazillion years ago, there was this radical prince dude named Juna. Even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, which is a lot smaller than the eye of a wave, man.

He was a mate with his bud, Harold, a former cowherd-turned-playboy-turned-political adviser, who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! Lord Harold was such a bummer on the "man" that He was locked-up even before birth and was born in the can. But He immediately busted-out and wasted the ass-hole king, who was his uncle. And He earned his 007 title, which He just friggin' loved - it was the perfect deal: Lord Harold was eternally invincible but He could kill anyone with a mere thought. Awesome! Later Harold got older so He lived on the beach and spent most of His later-life surfing with Juna. Harold used a 'Phil Edwards' 9.6 Classic. Which is pretty bitchin' considerin' that came 5000 years later. But, whatever.

EAST SIDE STORY: The 'good guys', the Panda gang. Juna is on the far right with the low-slung dhoti

Everything was totally cool until Juna and his non-surfing kook bros, the Pandas, got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kurus, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Juna's uncle 'cause of some family BS. Anyway, these Kuru cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryo - who's like a friggin' greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even seen the ocean. So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" or East Side Story, but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kurus - bad guys, and the Pandas, Juna's gang - good guys. And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth." The way I figure, since Harold was cool enough that He was a surfer and lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" instead of some inland 'kook' dirt.

Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Juna hits up Harold to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Juna got bummed! He told Harold, "Screw this, Man! I quit!"

Harold's like, "Dude!?!"

But Juna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad.

Finally Juna is, like, totally out-of-it, and he looks at Harold and says, "Dude, it's YOUR call!"

So Harold kinda grins, "Man, you're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a twink or something. I thought you had some balls!"

Juna's like, "Jeez! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"

Before Harold answered the question He free-style rapped a song to Juna in which He declared that He's not just some failed diplomat or lowly chariot driver, but HE himself is God - which is a seriously cool deal for Juna's gang - and to help Juna understand Lord Harold gave a few examples of His glories.

The Song

Lord Harold the 8th raps to Juna

"Raso-aham-apsu.." - "I am the taste of water, …among animals I'm the lion, among birds I'm the eagle, among fish I'm the shark.

"Among night lights I'm the Moon, among day lights I'm the Sun, among hawkish Gods I'm Me, and among conscientious objectors I'm you.

"Among rock bands I'm the Beatles, Among bad guys I'm Hitler, among fashion models I'm Twiggy, and among CTU agents I'm Chloe O’brian,

"Among guns I'm the bazooka, among fire-crackers I'm the H-bomb, among great actors I'm Al Pacino, and among corny actors I'm Chuck Norris,

"Among aging babes I'm Bridget Bardot, among left-wing commie pinko traitors I'm Jane Fonda, among fast food restaurants I'm KFC, and among things to avoid like the plague I'm the plague,

"Among bridges up-for-sale I'm the Brooklyn Bridge, among golf players I'm the son of Tiger Woods' Dad, among spiders I'm the Funnel Spider, and among things that are NOT 'Cool Aid' I'm Agent Orange,

"Among smart directors I'm Tobe Hooper, Among wise-ass Vulcans I'm Spock, among lousy rock bands I'm the Move, and among radical guitar players I'm Jimi Hendrix,

"Among bimbos I'm Brittany Spears, among playing cards I'm the Ace, among Motorcycles I'm Triumph, and among brave soldiers I'm Audie Murphy,

"Among jokers I'm Cheech & Chong, among tenors I'm Mario Lanza, among jerks I'm Lyndon Johnson, and among wackos I'm Charles Manson,

"Among big monkeys I'm King Kong, among Mexican knives I'm the switch blade, among Italian knives I'm the stilletto, and among Ugandan knives I'm the machete,

"Among African-Americans I'm Rochester, among dick-heads to work for I'm Jack Benny, among non-lying Presidents I'm, I'm, (ah, lets pass on this), and among bystanders I'm Jack Ruby,

"Among monumental screw-ups I'm the partition of India into Pakistan, among airplanes I'm 'Air Force One', among racist groups I'm the Klu Klux Klan, and as proof of a Masonic-Templar-Illuminati conspiracy I'm the $1 bill,

"Among famous movie lines I'm: "Play it again, Sam!", among horny bastards I'm a freakin' Mormon, among good jokes I'm the Polish Coyote, and among bad jokes I'm the "knock knock" joke,

The Song of God

"Among loud rock bands I'm Spinal Tap, among loud amp volumes I'm 11, among wild guitar players I'm Angus Young, and among Vegas has-beens I'm Tom Jones,

"Among winners I'm the slot machine, among soft drinks I'm Cream Soda, among clean-cut gorillas I'm Tarzan, and of sick museums I'm the Cambodia 'Killing Fields' Memorial,

"Among Scientologists I'm Tom Cruise, among false prophets I'm Jim Jones, among hipster cops I'm Sonny Crockett, and among absurd inventions I'm the pogo stick,

"Among Years I'm the leap year, among obnoxious surfers I'm Mickey Dora, among guilty SOBs I'm OJ Simpson, and among bad movies I'm Chuck Norris's MIA,

"Among shit-out-of-luck ships I'm the Titanic, among those you don't want to piss off I'm Tony Jaa, among bad choices for a cell mate I'm A-Team's Mr. T, and among sources off the truth I'm Uncyclopedia,

"Among disgraced comebacks I'm Pee Wee Herman, among heavyweight boxing champions I'm Rocky (Marciano), among nut-case big wave surfers I'm "Double D" (Darrick Doerner), among great fights I'm Leonard v/s Hearns, and among lousy fights I'm Leonard v/s Roberto Duran,

"Among dancers I'm Chubby Checker, among successful preposterous-nonsense books I'm Harry Potter, among radical surf spots I'm Jaws, and among COOL songs I'm "Shapes of Things" by The Yardbirds,

"Among attacks I'm D-Day, among great tastes I'm yummy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, among lawyers I'm Ken Starr, and among mistakes I'm the Vietnam War,

"Among dead-as-a-doornail-chicks I'm Lady Di, among things to avoid I'm an Ice Berg, among things not to give your kids to play with I'm plutonium, and among great cartoonists I'm Don Martin,

"Among aliens I'm THE Alien, among monsters worse than the Alien I'm Ripley, among baby-boomers I'm Tim Leary, and among gnarly massacres I'm Mai lai,

"Among good reasons NOT to get born rich I'm J Paul Getty Jr., among dirt-bag generals I'm William Westmoreland, among all pains in the neck I'm Elliot Ness, and among sexy dudes I'm Zorro,

"Among crooks I'm Robert Vesco, among war mongers I'm Charlie Heston, among mice I'm Mighty Mouse, among Road-Runners I'm Beep Beep, and among jokes I'm the punch-line,

"Among camel-jockies I'm Lawrence of Arabia, among guilty-innocents I'm Phil Spector, among great cowboy movies I'm Broke-back Mountain, among all those in Hell I'm the goddamn Devil, and as the bad-ass of all bad asses I’m Jack Bauer,

"...Suffice it so say I am all this! But if you really want to understand My Supreme Powers and highest glories... Then check out this super-cool Swiss Army Knife!

"Know it for certain that what ever is good and nice in the world is but a reflection of My glories! And of what is bad and nasty in this world, well, you can blame that chubby little geek in N. Korea!

"So understand, Dude? Now pick up your piece and go massacre your family members to gain political control of a grain of sand[4]."


Outcome of the battle is a clear victory

Up until this point in Harold’s story He's already killed just about more people than freakin' Hitler, which sure beats gettin' nailed to a friggin cross. So it's pretty unlikely that Harold’s gonna say, like, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure that one out.

Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks Harold should pretend he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds". I mean, even that young dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a freakin' terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out[5].


  1. 18 chapters from the Bhisma-parva of the 100,000 verse Mahabharata
  2. Recorded for all by Vyasadev the Wonderful circa 3,000 BC
  3. Om
  4. TAT
  5. SAT

See also

Real texts & translations for the old at heart


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