Legends of the Hidden Temple

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Movie Poster
Run Time: 2 hours, 4 minutes
Box Office Earnings: Pretty damn lot
Leading Actors:

Legends of the Hidden Temple, not to be confused with the fictional yet awesome-sounding Lesbians of the Hidden Temple, was a 1993 film by Steven Spielberg starring Jason Statham as Kirk "Blue Barracuda" Fogg and Stephen Seagal as "Olmec" in an action-packed adventure film with a plot similar to that of the Indiana Jones series. The film was recently rebroadcasted on Nickelodeon as a game show with minor modifications. It incorporated insane stunts, long and drawn out narrations, strange decisions, a time limit and many other cliches you see in adventure movies. The movie has had mixed reviews with Ebert giving it a thumbs up and Roeper ripping his eyeballs out of his sockets shortly after the credits, but overall it has been considered a success.


Kirk "Blue Barracuda" Fogg, a famous archaeologist at the turn of the century, is contacted by an unknown source that he knows the location of the mysterious Shine of the Silver Monkey, and that Kirk can meet him to discuss the matter in a parking lot. He is instead injected with a poison and told the general location of the ruin. He is also told that he will die in several hours should he not recover the Silver Monkey to receive the antidote. Kirk buys a plane ticket to South America and quickly gets his ass over to the Amazon rain forest. There he is greeted by a mysterious figure whose name is only known as "Olmec", a person of Mayan decent who agrees to help Kirk find the Shrine. He summons 12 other people arranged into 6 teams (not including Kirk and Olmec) to accompany them during their journey.

One of the Temple Guards (Played by Michael Myers) kills Kirk Fogg (Jason Statham) in the film's climax.

Kirk and Olmec are quickly greeted by the Amazon river, which they needed to cross in order to press a button on the other side. Rather than chop down one of the decently large trees that could offer them a bridge or take the nearby toll bridge, they attempt to ford the river with rafts.

Before they are able to finish crossing the river, one team fell off and was promptly eaten by a hoarde of pihranas. The rest made it across safely. They press the button on the other side. It is revealed that it is actually just the button to operate the toll bridge in an emergency override fashion. Needless to say the bridge guard left his post with his AK-47 in hand and started to empty a clip into the teams, only to horribly miss in embarrassment. Kirk and Olmec, however, had much better aim.

Next they ascended up the steps of a Latin American pyramid that Olmec said contained the shrine. They were answering quiz questions offered as they went up the stairs, even though it was completely unnecessary and they could have just walked up the stairs without saying a word. During this, one team fell down the stairs (Justin Beiber, Some racist guy), snapping their necks. The rest made it to the top.

Now inside the temple, they climb down to the lower reaches of the insides, which have been coated with soap to prevent tourists from reaching the insides of the temple. One team chickened out and went home while the others persevered. Miraculously no injuries nor deaths had happened while scaling this soap covered wall.

The six teams are about to embark on their quest. Notice the "OOD" from the Holywood sign.

Finally, they were inside the temple. At this point Kirk's time was running out, but he kept on going. Olmec read the text on the wall and outlines the next few challenges they have to face in the final parts of their journey. They were to go into the room of the three gargoyles, push the correct tounge, enter the next room where they could either climb a wall or jump into the pit of dispair. Next, they have to walk on a rickety bridge where the final loyal team dies. Then, they loot the room of the Golden Idols. Finally they enter the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Here they see rival scientist Indiana Jones, who was puzzling over how the hell one puts together the ridiculously easy puzzle. They take the Silver Monkey and take the secret passage to the outside, which was part of an essential brick that one team was standing on waiting for the others to to get out. They slip and crack their necks on the stone below. Olmec and Kirk stand triumphantly with the Silver Monkey in hand. They are then promptly arrested by Brazillian police. While they're in prison, the man who initiated this mess confiscates the Silver Monkey and releases the two prisoners.

Olmec (Steven Seagall) after a Temple Guard turned him into a giant talking stonehad.

They ride by helicopter to the US over Central America where Kirk is administered the cure. When the man reveals his intentions to have the two search for other treasures under the incentive of keeping their lives Kirk and Olmec refuse, in which a fight occurs resulting in Kirk having the poison readministered and both of them are purged out of the helicopter at high altitude. Kirk snaps Olmec's neck. Olmec's body falls down onto the brush below. Kirk falls on top of Che Guevara's car just as he got out, where you see a closeup of Kirk's face and hear faint yells of Spanish cussing coming out of Che's mouth. You can see citizens gathering around. A faint heartbeat is heard and the movie comes to an end.