Thetans on a Space Plane
“Buy this on DVD now! All we need is your faith to scientology, your street and E-mail address, and a measly $400,000.”
“1451 London way apartment 4. Quotegod@yahoo.com”
“Damnit! I'M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING THETANS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING SPACE PLANE!”
“Damnit! I'M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING PARODIES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING SITE!”
Thetans on a Space Plane is an Emmy award winning comedy-action movie and the highest point of Tom Cruise's acting career. It stars Tom Cruise himself as the main league: a lightsaber totting cop that hates thetans. The film was directed and written by L.Ron Hubbard, in which the budget for the film was from the amount of money stolen from dead scientologists, thus making this the movie with the biggest budget in history. It is also one of the most ground breaking special effects, making pac-man ghosts as thetans. The film was rated PG for safe humor making fun of those idiots. The film premereied in the space operahouse
Plot[edit]
Tom, a lightsaber totting cop, has to escort a witness (<insert name here>) to testify after seeing the murder committed by gangleader Xenu (himself)) and his gang {psychiatrists}. They book a flight on a space plane to the Galactic Confederacy in which they have to testify there. The other passengers include a holy reverend {L.Ron Hubbard}, a rich girl {Katie Holmes}, and a black rapper {Jack Thompson} However, Xenu managed to sneak onboard a whole crate of deadly thetans (Pac-man ghosts), planning to kill the witness so as to not get his ass sent to a imprisonment mountain. When the space plane broke the galaxy using its rockets, the thetans broke free and slaughtered a bunch of sad saps in third class. After a bloody massacre, Tom grabbed out a lightsaber and started slicing thetans in half. But since the thetans can't be destroyed, the remaining passengers block themselves from the invading thetans. Despite their valiant
efforts, the pilot of the space plane {John Travolta} got hit by a thetan and his head exploded. Running out of time, Tom grabbed a nearby E-Meter and started whacking the thetans that were leaking through the barrier. Then, with the help of crack, his OT level became over 9,000 and he managed to reach the cargo untouched. There he met the queen thetan, a mass of alien spirits {your mom}. He managed to kill the thetan queen and the plane was landed safely, thanks to the valiant efforts of the black rapper.
Critic Response[edit]
They would if the scientologists hadn't killed them and took their money.
History[edit]
L.Ron the Mor-ron, originally had an idea to get more cash he gains from every mental retard that actually listens to his bullshit. So one day, while huffing kittens like crazy and doing a lot of crack, he had this weird idea to make a movie about Xenu being a superhero with the powers of a spider after getting bitten by a space spider. Unfortunately someone already beat him to it, Stan Lee who actually ripped the Spiderman idea from a nine year old freak of nature with spider limbs from his anus. Thus he decided to rip off an idea taking two parts of his own lie. Those two things he happened to think of is thetans and space planes. And that was basically how the movie was conceived. L.Ron wrote the script while ass raping his ho and drunk on liquified kittens. In fact the script itself was written on used toilet paper Hubbard ejaculated upon. His script was turned down by all major studios until one remained......Fox. Hubbard was originally planning to hire a random scientologist, until he realised he killed her last week for money. It just happens Tom was standing beside him all along, eating a placenta. The rest was cinema history.
Cast[of fucktards][edit]
- Tom Cruise as the jedi cop guy
- Xenu as himself, only gangsta-ish
- you as the witness, Dildoface McCocksucker
- John Travolta as the pilot
- Martin Van Bueren as the copilot
- Jack Thompson as rapper 1.40 dollars
- Katie Holmes as rich bitch
- L.Ron Hubbard as reverend Perfect Neverlie
- Mary Sue Hubbard as random ho number 346
- your mom as thetan mass queen
- Oscar Wilde as first class passenger survivor number 456
- Dick Cheney as passenger 666
- George W. Bush as the rich bitch's pet chiwawa, Mary Kate.
- Xena as the man who saved the day
Merchandise[edit]
“Didn't you hear me? GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS AND MONIES!”
Authentic volcano! $800,000,000!
Authentic model of E meter used in the film! $9,000,000
Official Dianetics lessons! $5,000,000!
See also[edit]
Action and adventure films