The Leon Battista Alberti Code

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Camera-photo.svg It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.
If possible, please add some pictures to make it into a full encyclopedia article and then remove this message. Do not remove this notice until it receives some pictures. Failure to comply will result in this notice being added again.

The Leon Battista Alberti Code is the rambling of a crazy old cripple in the famous and controversial film, 'The Leon Battista Alberti Code'. It is also a conspiracy, thus winning it acclaim among geeks, and it involves maths, thus winning it acclaim among nerds.

Crazy Cripple's explaination:[edit]

Let me tell you about the greatest conspiracy the world has ever known. It all began in Jesus' time, millions of years ago. I suppose that you've heard of Mary Magdalene?

Wasn't Jesus 'er 'usband?

NO! That was a Catholic lie to hide Jesus' seedy ways. You see, in biblical times "Husband" literally meant "pimp".

Mais OMG

Yes... This was why Jesus was so ruthlessly persecuted by the Romans. Peter was jealous of the Magdalene as she was always at Jesus' side, and he gave her a bigger cut than most of his hos. Seeing this, Peter persuaded Judas to tell the Romans about the Disciples' Brothel and so it came to pass that Jesus was nailed to some wood.

Putain OMFG

Hmm... Peter was already taking the next step when Jesus was being crucified. To show the world that he was Jesus' other half, he persuaded the Romans, who were crucifying him for involvement in the brothel, to crucify him upside down. Mirror images.

Like the Phallus and Chalice

If you like penis... er... The Magdalene escaped before the Romans, who were killing all Jews and Prostitutes, could get to her. She stole away to the mountains of Tibet where she gave birth... To Jesus' Son! His name was Judah, and he was the last Jew in the world. Luckily, when the Roman empire collapsed under the weight of the lumbering Catholic Church, Judah repopulated the world's synagogues with jews (without much inbreeding as, luckily, Judaism is a dominant gene). Jews were still persecuted by the general public, who were ruled over by Borat Sagdiyev, and some Popes. To try to remove the inherent antisemitism a particularly powerful Jew set out to improve the world for Jews and set up a Jewish haven. His name was Hitler.

Zut Alors STFU

Hitler is often misunderstood. The actual Hitler wanted to creat a Jewish land by making the Germans hate them so much that they made a home for them out of the way. Unfortunately, some hard-line Camden Leisure Pirate Nazis thought that he was too lenient, and so they threw Hitler into the sea and replaced him with a Hitler Youth member who looked a lot like him (well, everyone does if they have one of those 'taches). The new pseudo-Hitler created the final solution and acted as Hitler until the end of the war. He then escaped and went on to be Pope Ratzinger, where he continues to suppress Jews and Prostitutes. The Original Hitler created emo in the image of his hair and obsession with military outfits. His grandson, leads the Black Parade to aid Jews in their quest for a Jewish haven, and not a shithole like the gaza strip. I say give them America and New Zealand.

mais, the Black Parade...

Yes, The last descendant of Hitler is Gerard Way!


Yes it is, but it's a conspiracy theory, so what do you expect?


Luckily, the book version was written by Dan Brown, of Herford College Oxford and therefore involves maths. This means that the evidence is a lot stronger, like a Super Sayan. The evidence lies in the fact that e to the power of pi i equals minus one, and therefore it is true. This gives the whole affair more credibilty but it's all relative (See Bollocks). Unfortunately, the film version leaves out this wonderful maths and therefore isn't as good as it could be.

Leon Battista Alberti[edit]


Cheifly an emo polymath, Alberti could, apparently, spring over a man's head with his feet together. At the age of seven, his dad told him off for doing something, so he became an emo and started hanging out with dead kittens etc. Fearing the worst, Da Vinci took him to see the original Star Trek film, which didn't achieve anything, and frankly why would it. When he was 12 (or "twelve") he bought some eyemakeup, and applied it liberally, holding his fringe out the way with an elaborate contraption made of elm saplings and powered by the shifting of desert sands. An eventual marriage with Galileo Way lasted for a few blissful years but ended tragically when Galileo miscalculated how deep to cut his wrists, due to Einsteinian relativity being unheard of. His work on Jesus' genetic legacy was spurred by a chance encounter with the septagenarian Mary Magdelene who was by then working as a doctor, having studied biochemistry and then trained in medicine.

How he is, in any way, involved[edit]

The clues that originally set people on the trail of this conspiracy were in his musical works, for example, in his song "I cut myself because of undying love":

A romantic crucifiction, destroyed the legacy with the final solution of your blood

Or more clearly, in his song "The romantic blood bleeding love death sunrise bleeding wrist bleeding", released centuries after his death.

Hitler was descended from Jesus, and Mary Magdalene was the mother, and Gerard way is descended from Hitler, and The Pope came up with the "final solution"