Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
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“My eyes! My beautiful eyes!”
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the horrific result of what happens when director Michael Bay gets too much power and directs a movie based off an old toy franchise. It is the incredibly long, unintelligent sequel to the smash hit movie of 2007, Transformers. Where as the last film focused on two destroyer robot forces, this one focuses on plots that go nowhere, an unorganized story and how much skimpy clothing Megan Fox can wear in one movie.
Because the first movie was box office explosion, it was only obvious that the people at hollywood would put together a sequel as quickly as possible. Steven Speilburg returned to the set once again to keep director Michael Bay under control. Inspired by The Dark Knight, Speilburg wanted the movie to have a long running time, one which would allow him to create a beautiful and complex plot, one with great character development and an engaging story. Bay however wanted to use the long running time to have more action. Speilurg thought it was a good idea, but he wouldn't allow Bay to start shooting any action scenes until he had the story all worked out and well done. Bay however was pretty impatient and so he locked Speilburg in the closet for the rest of production (he had to survive by eating his past movies).
With Speilburg out of the picture, Michael Bay was finally able to take complete control of the movie (as he had originally wanted in the first movie). Bay took a brief glimpse the plot Spielburg had planned and thought, "I'm Michael Bay, one of the greatest directors of all time... I can do better than this." Bay envisioned a movie that was long and had lots of action scenes with not one, not two, not three... but twenty four plots rolling all at the same time.
Like the first movie, Bay used transforming robots that came from the magical portal located in his basement, even pulling out some new ones for the film. Hollywood also gave Bay a budget of $200 million to make the film even more powerful than the first one. However Bay spent this budget in two days, to buy himself the most comfortable director's chair in the world and a bag of chips. This forced him to cut back on special effects and thus the would have the Transformers cause all the destruction themselves. As a result, Bay was forced to film only in cities that were expendable (such as Egypt and Shang Hai). Also since he couldn't afford to pay for all the damage caused, the crew was constantly on the run and forced to change filming locations before they could be caught.
In the last movie, the humans were criticized for being nothing more than simple stock characters compared to the Transformers. Bay decided to respond to this criticism and focus primarily on filming Megan Fox for most of the movie, stating that it would finally give her enough time to develop character. As a result, humans get practically all the attention, even though the movie supposed to be called TRANSFORMERS, not TEENAGERS.
Sam- The winey kid returning from the last movie. After the creature called Life tried to kill him in the last movie, he finally gets a break when he goes to college. But life never ends and once again Sam is attacked by all of life's troubles (presented in the form of this movie). Sam runs around through the various plots of the movie getting attacked by pretty much anything that comes his way, including robo-girlfriends, decepticons, and toaster ovens. Yes, he's afraid of toasters. He gets killed by the Decepticons during the final battle, then... somehow gets himself unkilled.
Mikelea- Bay's single reliable way of getting people into the theater. Pretty much she does absolutly nothing throughout the entire movie except run around in some very skimmish clothing.
Leo- Sam's pervy mexican roommate, only serves the role of emergency human sacrifice. Somehow survives the movie, even though he was constantly tormented by the racist Autobot twins.
The Minor Agent from the Last Movie that Nobody Bothered to Remember- He returns in this movie now with the name Reggie Simons. He was once a highly paid, really cool secret agent until Sam put him out of his job in the last movie and forced him to work in a dead end bakery with his mother. He has a much bigger role in this film helping the very kid who put him out his great job and screwing up his life.
Everyone else- has very pointless roles that don't help the movie in any way.
The group of destroyers who acted as the heroes in the last movie. Once again they plan to destroy the earth, but through a long, twenty year plan where they make yet another false alliance with the humans and destroy cities as they hunt down their rival destroyers the Decepticons. Unfortuantly for them, they are neglected throughout pretty much the whole movie and only get to destroy the city of Shang Hai and some already ruined parts of Egypt.
Optimus Prime- Duh he's back, but is none the wiser in this movie. He spends the first part of the movie forshadowing a lot of plots that are to come in the movie. Course he never explains any real detail that needs to be said. Later on he is killed in combat with Megatron, Starscream and a cheesy Blackout poser named Grindor and his body is pretty much dragged around throughout the movie by whoever gets their hands on it. He finally gets brought back to life at the end of the movie by having an ancient artifact shoved in his chest. He then builds some armor out of the body of a dead autobot and uses it to kick the cyber-shit out the Fallen.
Bumblebee- Yes, he's back too. Although he's neglected by Sam whose going off to college and feels he's too grown up for him now, this all after Bumblebee saved his sorry ass in the last movie. He travels with Sam on an epically long, mainly filler journey through the movie. Then he kicks a boatload of ass at then end of the movie.
Jetfire- Jetfire is a kind giant who was once a Decepticon but then quit his job to work with the autobots. He has a very kind heart towards humans, animals and all living things. Upon realizing that the Decepticon's actions are wrong, he joins the Autobots to protect the humans from evil. At least this is how he was in the original cartoon show. In this movie, Jetfire has fallen victim to Micheal Bay's so called "unique changes." He's a cranky old irish man with a bad habit of farting out parachutes and talking like he's a veteran of Vietnam. Pretty much his only weapon is his cane, which he uses to whack "Youngacons" on the head when they step on his lawn and he gets angry.
Skids and Mudflap- Two twins that embody the spirit of one of America's most famous national icons. They are two original characters created to invite kids to the movie by talking slang and bullying mexicans. Bay really wanted to make the characters unique, funny, racist and likable and thus hand picked the best writers he could find to develop the characters.
Ironhide- Returning from the first movie and kicks some ass at the begining of the film in a really cool way. Then does really nothing for the rest of the movie.
Sideswipe- New character, kills a Decepticon in a super awesome way at the begining of the movie, then does nothing throughout the rest of the movie.
Ratchet- Also returning from the first movie, does nothing really through out the whole movie.
Arcee Sisters- A new group of characters who also do nothing throughout the film. They're so unimportant that they're triplets which makes them practically one character. At one point in the movie, one of them actually does say something, but since they're women and must not speak unless spoken to, they were all instantly destroyed.
Jolt- A new character who REALLY does nothing, or say anything.
Wheelie- A wimpy little Decepticon who is stalking Mikela at the start of the movie. His role in the movie is wrapped up when he gets his eye burned out and is captured (by her even). Later is dragged back into the story and helps the humans find Jetfire by humping Mikela's leg, then vanishes from the movie.
The Dinobots- Still do not appear in this movie (DAMN IT BAY).
The other destroyers of earth who are the rivals of the Autobots. They got the crap kicked out of them in the last movie despite greatly outnumbering the Autobots eight to five. After their humiliating defeat they were forced to flee the earth, though the retarded ones stayed on earth to fend for themselves. Now they've returned to raise twice as much hell as before, unfortunately for them... they suffer the same camera fate as the Autobots.
The Fallen- The movie's surprise central antagonist (unless of course you caught the big hint in the title). His hobbies involve sitting around all day getting fat, playing the role of a coward by not going to earth and barking orders to his Decepticons to get him a can of energon from the fridge. Unfortunately for him, energon is running low and he wants to use a hidden device on Earth to create energon from the sun. He nearly succeeds in his plan until Optimus builds a battle suit out of a dead senior-citizen Autobot and kicks the shit out of him.
Megatron- The Deception commander who actually managed to get himself killed by a human at the end of the last movie. Afterward his body was dumped into the ocean and his body became the secret place where all the creatures of the sea could... express their love. He finally gets returned to life due to Optimus being too stupid to destroy the last piece of the All-Spark. After being brought back to life, Megatron spent about two weeks at the mechanic getting all the allgey, plankton, singing hermit crabs, little mermaids, and eggs pulled out of his system's. Then he left the mechanics' shop (and blew it up), went back to his base and gave Starscream his late birthday beating and got a royal chew out from the Fallen about how much he fucked up the last mission. He then spends the rest of the movie causing a lot of trouble on earth and continuing Starscream's birthday beating. After the Fallen gets killed and the Decepticons take their second consecutive defeat in a row, he and Starscream flee earth and stop at the nearest intergalactic bar to drown their sorrows in Energon-Boos. They were eventually dragged out of the garbage three weeks later by Soundwave.
Starscream- Pretty much the only Decepticon who survived the last movie. After fleeing from the last movie, Starscream was living a happy life full of chicks, tattoos and all the Energon-Boos he could get his hands on. Unfortunately it all came crashing down when Megatron came back to life and made him his bitch. Starscream pretty much plays the roll of the suicidal thought Decepticon who gets beaten up every half hour or so (usually by Megatron). He does manage to survive the film once again, unfortunately so does Megatron and thus his never ending torment continues.
Soundwave- The Decepticon that Transformer fans everywhere came to see. After being cut from the last movie, Soundwave finally makes his debut thanks to fan outcry. Soundwave's role in the film is a satellite floating around earth... gathering information for the Decepticons and occasionally searching his own name on Google out of boredom. He never comes to earth, he never engages in combat and he never transforms...in fact you'd probably mistake him for a talking satellite if you didn't know better. To make it even worse, he sounds nothing like he did in the show.
Ravage- Soundwave's household cat/dog who is sent down to do Soundwave's work (because he's far too busy floating around earth). He pretty much just wonders around the whole movie doing nothing until Bumblebee finally rips his spine out (do robots even have those?) and uses it to savagely beat some Decepticons with it... and who are the bad guys again?
Grindor- Not to be confused with a coffee product of any kind. Grindor is the ugly evil twin brother of the Decepticon Blackout who was killed in the last movie thanks to the humans rapidly blasting out his crotch. Grindor is very similar to his brother, but they do have one major difference. While Blackout is weak only in the crotch, Grindor is weak everywhere but the crotch. Thus he is quickly killed early on in the film, joining many other characters in the "wasted" category.
Alice- A Deception (ahem... A.I. rip off) who was part of plot number seventeen: Sam is touched by a Decepticon. She was originally meant to replace Mikelea as the new hot female of the movie and go on longer in the movie, eventually becoming an alley. However, in pure rage of being replaced, Megan Fox ran her over with her car during shooting one day. Since the scene looked so real and so well done, Michael Bay decided to keep the scene as a conclusion to the that plot.
Scalpel- A little bug who somehow got the role of the Decepticon's doctor (guess they needed one badly). He manages to reach Megatron's body and has one of his fellow comrades torn to pieces (see Tom Below) and shoves a rock in Megatron's chest to restore him (isn't how he died in the first place?". Then he winds up getting a major dose of overkill by Optimus early on the film and doesn't get to show his real talents.
Devastator- A giant robot formed out of six other little robots. The six bots combine together to form this mighty beast during the final battle because they were constructions and were tired of receiving low paychecks, and at the same time they're also seen in another part of the battlefield battling Autobots. Despite the creature's massive size and powerful weapons and the fact that it was constantly advertised so many times in the trailers, it's killed by a single hit from the human's rail gun. His name comes from his GIGANTIC BALLS which the autobots said were "Devastating"...And is also confused whether his name is Devastator or Brawl...Again
Scorponok- Bay forgot to explain what happened to him in the last movie. He appears at the end of the movie for his triumphant return, only to be killed in less than a minute by an old guy with a farting problem.
Demolisher and Sideways- two of the retarded Decepticons that stayed on earth to fend for themselves. Sideways caused trouble in Shang Hai by stealing Ramen noodles and crashing through houses without permission before getting killed by Sideswipe in a really cool way at the beginning of the film. Demolisher died in Shang Hai too, but in a not so cool way.
Tom- A young Cybertronian who always wanted to be a Decepticon. He worked his way up through his poor family and after much hard work and patience, he finally earned enough to enlist in the Decepticon academy. Though he was bullied by everyone bigger than him and most of the sergents made life hard for him, he worked very hard and finally earned his place in the Decepticon ranks. The day after he graduated, he was given his first assignment...and Scalpel had him torn apart and used his parts to fix Megatron. He last words were "Fuck You, Bugman."
The movie contains multiple plots (most of which are either dropped off by the end of the film or forgotten quickly). In addition it contains lots of Michael Bay material meant only to draw the movie out over long periods of time.
The movie opens up with perhaps the only scene that you will remember. It's a cool action scene in which the Autobots battle some Deceptions in Shang Hai. The battle is intense, features a lot of slow motion moves and lots of Michael Bay's signature explosions. When the battle concludes,the first plot is introduced: the return of the Fallen. The movie then shifts to plot number two, which is Sam going to college. Shortly after it starts, plot number three kicks off as Sam starts to draw weird symbols in school for unknown reasons. Not long after this begins, plot number four begins as Megatron is brought back to life, which then leads to plot number five: the Decepticons want to get Sam and to gain a new source of energon. Then two more plots kick off about Optimus dying and the Fallen demmanding the world hand over Sam. This then starts yet another plot about Sam being hunted by the millitary as they are too wimpy to attempt a counter attack against theses galactic terrorists. Then another plot begins as the Autobots are placed under arrest because a spokesperson gets a warranty for their arrest as he believes they are in league with the Decepticons. Once again this leads to yet another plot about Sam journeying with Mikela, Leo, Bumblebee, Skids and Mudflap to look for... whatever plot comes next.
THEN THERE'S A LOT OF FILLER.
Then numerous plots are dropped off as half a dozen new ones start up. Then another plot starts up as Sam meets the minor agent from the last movie who no one really remembers. This agent now called Reggie Simons, opens up a new plot which leads to another plot about finding the former Decepticon named Jetfire. This plot is wrapped up really quickly and Jetfire starts another plot about finding an artifact called the matrix, which the Fallen wants for his plan.
AND THEN THERE'S EVEN MORE FILLER.
The matrix plot is then concluded after the group finds it in a tomb and it crumbles to dust (what a waste). Then the plot about the Decepticons attacking earth is picked up again and the Decepticons launch an attack on Egypt. The millitary comes in and ends the plot about arresting the Autobots and thus the final battle begins.
AND THEN THERE'S YET EVEN MORE FILLER... but Sam does kill a Decepticon with his bear hands. Wait, no he doesn't so... IT'S STILL MORE FILLER.
Finally after about forty five minutes of pure shooting, killing Decepticons and bloody battle, Optimus Prime magically gets better thanks to the matrix. He then gains a new power thanks to Jetfire killing himself and uses it to kick the shit out of the Fallen. Then everything plays out as expected, Megatron and Starscream retreat, the Autobots win and the audience cries.
Plot for people with ADHD
Lots of random and pointless shit happens on screen (half of which doesn't make sense). Tons of Decepticons die, the Autobot leader dies (but gets better), then another Autobot Dies (and stays dead). Everything is okay at the end of the movie. The End.
The film received universal praise from the Junk Food Kingdom. Many praised Megan Fox's role in the film... oh and noted the action was cool too. They said this was a complete masterpiece of a film and they would watch it at least eighty seven times per week. The kingdom awarded Michael Bay with it's own version of an Oscar for Best Picture (made out of a Batman Glass with Skittles inside stacked on top of fifty year old giant marshmallow).
Those who lived outside of the Junk Food Kingdom however were not so pleased. A number of Transformer fans set themselves on fire feeling that their world had crumbled. Roger Ebert who had given the first film such praise and even bought it for his favorite film cabinet, was dragged out of the theater due to constantly loud swearing.
Roger Ebert (while being dragged out):WHAT... THE FUCK... HAPPENED? Michael Bay had it pretty well done in the first one, how did he go and fuck up the second one.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was also the central focus of the Theater Tragedy of 2009. On the movie's opening day, 2,000,0000 people stormed out of the movie and attacked management demanding their money back. However, by theater law "Michael Bay movies are not refundable, as it could result in the destruction of the giant money sculpture that Bay has been making of himself for the past seven years." Upon management revealing this to the audience, chaos broke out as spit covered popcorn and hardened milk duds were thrown at management. Management desperately tried to hold off the angry audience, but they were greatly overwhelmed. For the first time since the Pluto Nash incident, management was forced to use the emergency barrel guns they kept behind the snack bar for just such an occasion. The event claimed over 5,000 victims, half of which was management, as well as the janitor.
Michael Bay announced in an interview that he will be returning to direct Transformers 3 (OH GOD). Bay also stated that he (OH GOD!) plans to make the movie much darker and more emotional than both the first movie and Revenge of the Fallen (OH GOD SAVE US ALL!!!). But there are new writers, so it could be...decent.