Michael Myers
This article is about the fictional Halloween serial killer Michael Myers. For that guy who played Austin Powers, see Mike Myers.
| Michael Myers | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | October 28, 1956 (original series) C. 1968 (Halloween (2007)) Haddonfield, IL, USA |
| Died | October 31, 2007 (unconfirmed) Haddonfield, IL |
| Cause of death | Presumably killed by sister Laurie Strode |
| Nationality | White/Caucasian American Evil |
| Occupation | Granddaddy of all slashers |
| Known for | Playing hilarious pranks on people on Halloween Night; sharing his name with a Canadian |
| Religion | Thorn (Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers) |
“How does one express such a wide range of emotions, with that cherub like face and grace?”
Michael Myers (October 28, 1956 - October 31, 2007) was a famous player of practical jokes, many of which involve a very large knife. He lives in Haddonfield, IL and typically wears black clothes and a white William Shatner mask when playing jokes on his immediate relatives, especially his sisters. Michael's career as a player of pranks begins in 1978, when he sneaked up on his sister with a large knife and then stabbed her with it many times. The jokes became more and more elaborate and humorous as the movies evolved, often involving sneaking into houses and pinning people to the walls with a huge knife in places where people would walk into them and laugh. At other times he would kill one of the people of the party and then take that person's clothes or costume and join the group, killing another person every time the laughter died down from the previous murder.
Early Life[edit]
Michael Audrey Myers spent most of his youth listening to the music of KISS, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Blue Oyster Cult, and Alice Cooper while making paper mache masks as a hobby. His mother, Deborah Myers, worked as a stripper, his sister, Judith, was promiscuous, and his stepfather, Ronnie White, was a drunken redneck who would verbally abuse the family. The only person Michael ever loved in his life was his baby sister, Laurie, whom he would call "Boo," "Sugar butt," and "Bob Saget."
Michael's family problems got him teased at school by fifth graders and Spy Kids actors. Michael would often get in fights, be called down to Principal Harris' office, have his mother notified, and go home to his bedroom and cry while listening to "God of Thunder."
On Halloween Night, 1978, Principal Harris, taking a break from his psychotic state of mind, referred Mrs. Myers to a child psychiatrist named Dr. Loomis.
Some sources claim that Michael was six years old when he killed Judith Myers in 1963. However, other sources claim that Michael was 10 when he killed Ronnie White, Judith, and Judith's boyfriend Steve.
Halloween 1963[edit]
For more on the 1963 murder, see Halloween (film).
On Halloween 1963, Michael Myers killed his sister, Judith Myers, and was sent to a sanitarium under the care of Dr. Sam Loomis. What happened next was very boring: Michael did nothing but stare at a blank white wall for 15 years. Loomis did everything in his power to keep Michael locked up and to put him in a pink tutu and sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" And then one day, the unthinkable happened.
Halloween 1978[edit]
Main article: Halloween (film)
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Professor Xavier lives, Jesus comes back to life after three days, Tony gets shot by Chino and dies in Maria's arms, the tyrannosaur attacks the raptors, letting Grant and the others get away, Camerlengo Ventresca is the Pope's son, Mary Svevo had previously had a relationship with Dr. Howard Mierzwiak, and then had him erased from her mind, Luke gets shot trying to escape, Jack's name actually is Ernest after all, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Angie Anderson: Fuck you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with? Dale Denton: Like two and a half. Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!
On Halloween 1978, Michael Myers escaped from Dr. Seuss-Oscar Wilde Sanitarium and stalked three girl scouts. As day turned into night, Michael Myers bought a Captain Kirk mask and a plastic spork and began his killing spree.
The first victim was Annie Brackett, the daughter of Sheriff Brackett. Michael strangled Annie from the backseat of her 2003 Kia Optima and then stabbed her with his spork while Barry Manilow's hit song " Mandy" played in the background. Excited, Michael shit on Annie's dashboard
Then Myers went into the Waffle House and killed that dork with the glasses, International House of Pancakes employ, Steve Urkel. He then put on a white sheet and Urkel's glasses and went upstairs to Liberace's dressing room pretending to be a Ku Klux Klan fluffer. After some small talk (Blowjobs), Michael strangled the famed homosexual with bratwurst, thinking it was a ten inch telephone.
Worried, a clueless Laurie Scrotum went to the house across the street to check things out. She sees Michael's third cousin's grave, Annie on the bed with her labia removed, Urkel hanging from the ceiling by his small dick, Liberace in the closet covered in semen, and Michael Myers creeping up behind her. Laurie runs away as fast as she can. Michael follows closely, reading Newsweek.
Laurie runs back to her house and lies at the foot of a puke-orange couch. Myers jumps through a portal he makes with the power of his evilness and appears in the house without making a sound. He jumps up from the behind the puke-orange couch and Laurie stabs him in the neck with a giant needle from a sewing basket that just happened to be lying next to the couch. Laurie thrashes and pulls off myers' mask and, it's Tony Danza! This stops Michael, er... I mean Tony, just in time for Mad Max to come to the rescue. He shoots the future star of Taxi and Who's The Boss six times with a bow and arrow. The killer falls off the balcony and is left for dead. But he gets up, brushes himself off, and drives Annie's car to the nearest open-mic coffee house.
Remake[edit]
Main article: Halloween (2007 film)
On June 6, 2006, Dimension Films announced that musician/filmmaker MC Hammer would write, produce, direct, and choreograph a remake of Halloween. While some fans reacted in outrage (believing that "You Can't Touch This!"), others felt it was a smart decision.
The film starred Malcolm McDowell, Busta Rhymes, Daeg Faerch, Johnny Wadd, a few people from a Rob Zombie movie -- people whom you've never heard of -- and was released on August 31, 2007, making -$758 Million to date.
Hammer, again, blew all of his money of his entourage, and is currently bankrupt, again... He's working for the 700 Club.