Unibrow
A unibrow is a medical term that refers to a "confluence of eyebrows": lush, abundant, unending, unyielding hair between the eyebrows, so that the eyebrows seem to converge to form a single overlong band of hair.
In extreme cases, this facial bush-baby can be so thick that the unibrow can act as a sun shade, deflecting harmfull glare from the eyes of the fortunate few.
History[edit]
In ancient Greek culture, unibrows were prized as beautiful, desirable features worn by the most intelligent and lusted-after women. Women used powder or soot to create a unibrow, even when nature spared them from having a natural one. The Romans, as always emulating the Greeks, performed elaborate beauty rituals that wound up with the subject sporting a unibrow. Ancient poets described women donning false unibrows to artificially break what the gods had mercifully wrought. Their unibrows were made of dyed goat's hair and tree resin.
Beauty culture[edit]
Western women often pluck, wax, shave, or treat with electrolysis or defoliants, the patch of skin between the eyebrows. In desperation, some may put a bullet right in the middle of it.
Unibrow separation is often the only form of eyebrow grooming among non-effeminate men. A counterexample was Groucho Marx, who used electrical tape to manufacture a unibrow where no natural one existed. This at the time constituted a "market niche" for the entertainer. Like a train wreck, no one could look away.
The term also shows up in various high school albums. Many students vie to see who will be crowned "best unibrow" for their graduating class.
Species with unibrows[edit]
In earlier times, unibrows were associated with werewolves. They have hair connecting their eyebrows, although they have hair connecting them with everything else as well.
The unibrow is a trait not inherent to the human race since the days of the Neanderthal. The few humans who do have unibrows are often considered ugly by their peers. However, the unibrow is a common characteristic among Slavs. They consider the trait attractive. It is either that or engage in eternal blood feud, although of course they do that as well.
In Russia and Iran, absurdly excessive facial hair does not have any stigma either, and may even be seen as a sign of feminine beauty. The unibrow is often taken as a predictor of virginity and can earn a young woman a large dowry of goats.
The unibrow is also prized by other cultures. Most of these go on to also prize mutilating the clitoris and then strapping on a suicide belt, sauntering into a Jewish marketplace, and seeing how much death they can deliver.
In 2010, the United States Census included a classification that let respondents check off indicating if they have a unibrow, or as the politically dainty say, a monobrow. This was the world's first count of its eyebrow-challenged.
Scientific explanation[edit]
Modern science has now compared the human genome with that of Neanderthal Man and concluded that the unibrow is a mutation of Chromosome 9, in a region very close to the ugly gene itself. Unibrow sufferers lack several chapters of genetic words in each cell. There are many disorders associated with the unibrow, particularly autism, particularly after all your classmates finish whispering that you are goofy-looking. However, unibrow sufferers are free from any longing to go back to the "good old days," as their particular genetics has taken them back much further still.
Unibrows have been the subject of various misconceptions and superstitions. Victorian criminologist Sir Arthur Gadfly identified unibrows as a sign of criminality, and warned the Royal Court that someday there would be an emergence of Werewolves of London. However, he was executed when he discovered that Queen Victoria herself had a unibrow.
Ray Mears' Unibrow[edit]
The most successful unibrow is Ray Mears'. His monobrow has appeared in films, television, and radio (Wake Up to Wogan). Ray Mears' unibrow has been named the most influential anatomical feature every year since the awards began.
See also[edit]
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