Sal Fasano

“It's ticklish yet still smooth as silk. It's as if God Himself reached down and planted it on him.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sal Fasano's mustache

“WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING MUSTACHE ON THAT MOTHERFUCKING SPECIMEN!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Sal Fasano's mustache

“Thats no moon, thats a mustache.”

~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on Sal Fasano's mustache

“If I could only touch a single strand of his glorious stash perhaps some of his magnificents would rub off on me. One can only hope.”

~ Macky

The epitome of manliness.

Salvatore Frank Fasano, Esquire, also known as the Italian Stallion, the Great Dago, the Walloping Wop, and "Holy shit, what's that growing on his face?!" was born in 1971 to mother Bob Ross (from whom he reportedly emerged mustache-first) and father Wilford Brimley and third conceiving party Sasquatch and is a catcher for several Major League Baseball clubs. He currently plays for the Indiana Hookers, earning the MLB minimum of $326,000 for him and $20 million for his mustache.

Fasano is widely regarded to be the greatest baseball player in history. In 2006, while playing for the Philadelphia Paedophiles, New York Yankees, New York Giants, New York Knights, Baltimore Orioles, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Colorado Rockies, Orix Blue Wave, Yakult Swallows, Kansas City Royals, Omaha Royals, Iowa Cubs, Iowa Hawkeyes, Iowa State Cyclones, Texas A&M Aggies, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Mighty Ducks, Chicago Bulls, the Puka Puka tribe in "Survivor: Cook Islands," and Dave's Auto Body Slow-Pitch Softball Team, Sal Fasano had 97 home runs, 234 RBI, 55 stolen bases, and seven panty shots, and also became the first player ever to score a touchdown and have a triple-double at the same time in a single baseball game.

As a catcher, he threw out 86 of 72 potential baserunners in 2006, once throwing out a baserunner while huffing a kitten. He was invited to his 22nd All-Star appearance, but declined because his mustache had other obligations.

Sal Fasano in later years.

Fasano struck out in his only major-league at-bat in 2002. Upon being called out on strikes, an enraged Fasano cracked open the home plate umpire's chest cavity with his bat and ripped his still-beating heart out. He then gave the heart to an eight-year-old girl who needed a heart transplant. The girl, appreciative of Sal's gift, had it bronzed and kept it on her mantle until she died a week later.

Third Mustache of Legend

There is also a prophecy that the Islamic messianic figure, the Mahdi, shall be opposed by seven mustaches when he returns. Scholars generally regard Sal Fasano as the incarnation of the Third Mustache, "The Black Mustache."

Potential addition to Mount Rushmore

The political debate over adding Fasano's likeness to Mount Rushmore is not over whether or not he should be honored, but rather how his orgasmically awesome mustache could accurately be replicated on the monument. Americans who are polled overwhelmingly agree that not only should Sal be added, but the whole mountain should be renamed Mount Fasano.

Trivia

• Sal Fasano's mustache has the ability to make women orgasm simply by looking at it.
• Sal Fasano once huffed a mountain lion. His mustache serves as a filtration system which adds to the huffing experience.
• Sal Fasano attempted to bear children with Megan Fox, but his horse penis killed her.
• Sal Fasano has been to Detroit.
• Tom Selleck grew his mustache in tribute of Sal Fasano. Tom Selleck is that guy from Magnum P.I.
• Sal Fasano killed Nicole Brown Simpson, Ron Goldman, and Abraham Lincoln, using only one shot.
• Sal Fasano's mustache and Chuck Norris's beard did battle once. The world was destroyed. No one knows who won.
• The Wii game Super Paper Mario is based upon the life and mustache of Sal Fasano.
• Sal Fasano's mustache has been known to kill at up to 200 yards.