Baltimore, Maryland

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The Statue of Liberty, as it looked when submerged in Baltimore's Inner Harbor.

“Fuck you, Baltimore! If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!”

~ Big Bill Hell's Used Cars on Baltimore

“Does anyone know where I can find a Coke bottle this time of night? ”

~ Fatty Arbuckle

Baltimore (pronounced "bo-dy-more or bo-dy-morgue") is Maryland's largest city and the state's left armpit (the state's right armpit is Prince George's County.) It is most famous for its two major exports: drugs and sexually transmitted infections. Officially known as "Charm City,' Baltimore is infamously referred to as “Harm City,” due to the gang warfare that makes up its legislative process. People also call it this because they’re not very creative or talented at coming up with parody names for Baltimore.

Scientists warn against going to Baltimore as a tourist destination. In a recent study, 18% of all test subjects exposed to the city for more than 2 hours developed a life-long pubic itch. The other 82% of test subjects were all shot.

The favorite pastimes of Baltimore locals include eating chicken boxes, drinking half and halfs, being uneducated, beating up people for no reason, pack sessions, and running from the 12 and cutting their drugs with cheaper drugs.

Founding

A sophisticated time-travelling device used by one of the many founders of Baltimore

It is popularly believed that Baltimore and the state of Maryland were founded in the late 1800s and early 1900s by the Jewish people. This is partially true, in that Baltimore and Maryland were nothing much until Jews settled the region. However, they were actually founded during the 1600s by Catholics attempting to flee the tyranny of- SWEET MOTHER, did you see the picture of that hot girlie in the Catholicism page that was just linked to?! Hummina hummina! Wait… what was I talking about again? Oh right… Baltimore. Thirdly, no wait… Oh, I lost count. Stupid sexy distractions. Whatever, Baltimore was officially founded by Abraham Baltimore, 3rd president of the United States, in 1892 (coincidentally, the same year the Kaiser invented STDs, a common theme in Abraham Baltimore's Utopian society).

Unfortunately, the whole city was sacked by Visigoths soon after, and the mayor ran in flaming robes along the walls between Pratt Street and City Hall, while they shelled him with flaming dung-balls. He screamed for his wife but they imprisoned him in a cell atop the Shot Tower. Those little windows? He cried "Let down my hair! Let down my hair!" The Democratic Machine saved him with a catapult.

History

Baltimore has a rich history including the following

Transportation

Trolley stops have always gone in circles since 1808, so you never really get anywhere. Lines A, B, C and 5 all had turnabouts at Green Mount Cemetery. Someone would get off, another get on, someone would straighten your tie. Angry men hurled bricks through the side-glass. Electricity came and went, flickering like candles. Today, the buses also go in circles.

War of 1812

After pwning the Americans by burning down the White House, the British were unable to take Ft. McHenry Rollins in Baltimore, an event that caused so much celebration that the United States national anthem, The Star and Eagle and Baseball and Mom's Apple Pie and Rocky Mountain Sunset and Liberty Bell and Iwo Jima Statue and George Washington's Head Spangled Banner, Yee-Haw! was written. The celebration was somewhat muted though, as when everyone checked their clocks they realized that it was now 1814 and that they were all two years late.

The stock market crash

The Stock Market crash of 1929 occurred when the Stock Market was hovering peacefully over the Baltimore-DC area on October 29th, 1929. After unidentified terrorists fired a rocket propelled grenade down its thermal exhaust port, the entire market burst into flames and plummeted to the ground, killing several Baltimorons and causing the Great Depression. Abraham Baltimore made efforts to repair the market by linking several flux capacitors to the Stock Market's Heisgenberg compensators, but was foiled by a sudden severe case of gonorrhea. Baltimore, however, had itself been involved in many Mediocre Depressions previously.

That time Gary Coleman dragged Baltimore on top of New York

One of the most notable events in the history of Baltimore occurred in November 2003 when Gary Coleman (commonly referred to as “Burt Reynolds”) decided to drag the city on top of New York City. Coleman’s reasons for doing so have been questioned by many, and the most popular theory as to why suggested so far has been “meh.”

Early in November, Coleman attached a chain to a mooring in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor and then attached the other end of the chain to his broke ass Pinto. He drove steadily Northward for several days, up the New Jersey turnpike, and finally reached New York City. There he detached Baltimore, leaving New York a subterranean city, submerged under the waters of the Chesapeake Bay.

The crisis of the submerged city was eventually resolved when then-Baltimore Orioles pitcher, Jorge Julio, took Baltimore and pitched it as a 212 mph fastball back to where it belonged. This flooding disaster would give FEMA the training and experience to expertly deal with the No Orleans crisis caused by Hurricane Katrina some two years later.

Baltimore's Impact on Baseball

Baltimore's relationship to baseball goes back to the founding of the nation. In 1792, Baltimore's team played a fabulous form of cricket known only as "the Game"--the bat was a wedge-shaped club, the ball actually a cube, and every man was on base in every inning. In Baltimore, they played at Sheep Field, the forerunner to Sump Park, Comet Stadium, and the celebrated, late-80's Green Lawn.

The 1804 season included Lunatic Sam, the merchant marine who spent his nights whacking whores with a paddle and his days drinking harbor water and Scotch whiskey between innings. Lunatic Sam drove every ball into the adjacent apple orchard with a fury unmatched by any batter since; it's said he never missed a ball and killed a few shortstops in his day to boot. It was Lunatic Sam's line drive into a prize cow that finally cost him his freedom, and outlawed the cube ball forever--an eventuality that still has men in Hog Neck bars shaking their heads in sadness.

Other events

• Days of yore. Adam and Eve met at the Jacuzzi at the Garden of Eden Apartments in suburban Baltimore.
• 1904. A cow set fire to the city, completely burning it down. Back then, this type of thing apparently happened all the time.
• 1992. Some ho said some shit to some guy. He popped a cap in her ass.
• 2001. The Kool-Aid Man crashes through the wall of the far-less famous Baltimore World Trade Center.

Oreos' pitcher Russ Ortiz is held as a political prisoner.

• 2005. A white person was robbed by a stuttering dope fiend that reportedly used the stolen money to "get high".
• 2006. Baltimore Oreos pitcher Russ "Meatball" Ortiz is thrown in the slammer after confessing to be part of an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell. Fans of the game reported suspicious activities to the CIA after Ortiz' ERA dropped below 6,795.
• 2007 Baltimore changes its motto from "B'lieve, Hon" to "Get on it" after a highly watched contest of 42 submissions. The second most popular choice: "Baltimore: We got Crabs!"
• 2008. Mayor of Baltimore establishes "Pre-schoolers Pop a Cap Day," a day devoted to arming the Baltimore youth with guns and preparing them for a successful Baltimorian future of dealing crystal meth and robbing convenience stores at 2 AM.
• 2010. The city goes on a 9 hour spending spree fueled by gift cards provided by Mayor Shelia Dixon to anyone she deemed not to be a "bitch-ass ho." Sales at Best Buy and Old Navy skyrocket.

=Neighborhoods

Baltimore's interior is known for its vast cavern of guttersnipes and shady double-dealers in an array of colorful and colorless neighborhoods. The many neighborhoods of Baltimore include card-board shacks, form-stone facades and rickety, plastic house-boats.

Canton

This is where Baltimore's wannabe-yuppies, crotchety old-fogies and vast quantities of Natty Boh fans congregate to drink heavily next to the trash infested waters of the steamy Baltimore harbor. Houseboats are common here, as are the mutant sea-monsters that live below them.

Hampden

Hampden is Baltimore's colorful neighborhood, where you can have a cool beverage in a classy wine bar while watching Where's Waldo duking it out with some wannabe Eminem, out in the street, over some shady dope deal. Both the hipster brethren and primo white-trash call Hampden home, as do the occasional Barney Fife-like or Amish characters. Let's not forget the drug-huffing musicians littering the streets, as antiques and tacky clothing litter the storefront windows and the local librarian look-alike wardrobes. You may see a body builder sporting a fanny pack. Or you might see John Waters riding in a buggy being pulled by a talking horse named Mr. Ed. The tourists from Baltimore often come up to Hampden to feast their senses on this strange world of garbage-can chic. The 1950s, 1960s, 1970s and 1980s all live here in disarray.

Reservoir Hill

This is Bolton Hill's neighbor. They aren't as tight as they use to be. Bolton Hill thinks he's the better neighborhood, as Reservoir Hill has become a better place to get robbed, or abducted by aliens; illegal aliens that is. There is a beautiful lake where Baltimorons swim. It's in Druid Hill Park.

Federal Hill

Yuppies galore and snot-nosed kids all over this joint!

Fells Point

pirates, drunks, vagabonds and floozies abound this waterfront gated-community. The gates are pearly gates. Sometimes stilt-walkers show up, and people who speak with a foreign tongue.

Pig Town

A place where pigs congregate; human pigs. Baby Ruth used to live here, as did Wilbur from that Charlotte's Web tale.

Mt. Vernon

A plethora of Indian restaurants, and rife with brownstone-mansions that have been transformed into apartments the size of a closet.

Suburbs

Baltimore is known for its suburbs, each of that has an identity of its own. Some of the suburbs are:

Cockeysville/Hunt Valley

The place where those serious about the rifle live. All the filthy rich people live out in Hunt Valley. They procreate in order for their spawn to continue being 85% of the lacrosse players in America.

Dundalk

The very best place to live in the Baltimore area is Dundalk, if you are completely devoid of class. They still think its 1985. About 3 people are lucky enough to have figured out this secret. In Dundalk, you are guaranteed a great job with benefits and security, safe affordable housing, nice neighbors, and nice area attractions, such as Walmart. With real estate in Dundalk coming at a premium among trailer parks, its residents spread bad words about the town to scare others away from buying. Do not believe them.

Ellicott City

Baltimore's spooky ghost town. Merely stepping onto Main Street is said to make one incontinent. Douchebags driving jacked-up Toyota Prius sedans are said to rule the wasteland between Ellicott City and Baltimore]. On quiet nights during Ramadan, it's said that one can hear the sound of their "huzzahs!" from the 1947 Horse-Throwing Competition that was rumored to end particularly badly.

Jacksonville/Phoenix

For people who wish they were in Florida or Arizona, where suburban tract housing comprises 98% of all homes in these states as well as these suburbs.

Owings Mills

Owings Mills is the hood of Baltimore, not known for its fatal attraction. But in order to know that, you have to live there first. The town of Owings Mills has a reputation of drawing people to live there by building new shacks the are painted on the outside to look like nice new houses, but once inside, are made of mere paper that can be torn apart by hand. With the look of luxury on the outside, they sell for millions. But once purchased, they can never be resold. In just a few days, it becomes impossible to live in them, and they must be abandoned. The real estate developers who own Owings Mills quickly snatch up the free land, and use it to build new houses in a few more days waiting for the next suckers to buy.

A big empty mall in the center of town serves as a facade to make the area attractive to buyers.

Pikesville

Pikesville, located to the northwest of Baltimore, is the area where the city's Jewish population lives. The name of the town comes from pike, the main ingredient in gefilte fish, a popular Jewish delicacy.

Reisterstown

This area, older than Baltimore itself, was once a historic town, but has since been annexed by Owings Mills. See Owings Mills above for more info on what you are getting into. The Jews infest Reisterstown as well.

Towson

The county is surprisingly elegant and home to the greatest of all diners, The Towson Diner. Additionally, Towson is the home of a the Maryland State Normal School, formerly Towson University.

Towson is a place where many successful people live, but all of their kids are obsessed with marijuana. Trust me, every kid in Towson loves his dank! Towson's "bad kid" culture is aided by overpriced hookah bars, drunk/fat black guys that buy them alcohol, and numerous places that secretly sell bowls and bongs and sell kids overpriced cigarettes illegally. Fun, fun place to be!

Woodlawn

If you plan to retire anytime soon, or you are disabled, you've got the Social Security Administration by your side. But are they really supporting you?

Westminster

Westminster is 1/3 commerce, 1/3 cows, and by means of osmosis, 1/3 of what used to be historic Reisterstown. Westminster is home to many teenagers and old people.

Sykesville

Sykesville has some trains and some antiques. That's about it. It is rather similar to Ellicot City and Reisterstown in appearance, or, to be more honest, the ghost of what Reisterstown once was.

Eldersburg

Sub-suburb of Sykesville. Eldersburg is mostly hidden by trees, and is home to a empty mall haunted by the ghost of K-Mart. Eldersburg is a pretty Pollyanna place, if you discount the KKK and the roach nest poorly disguised as a movie theater.

Mount Airy

Not technically a suburb of anything. So who cares? The word eriocmweoivnvoiewmceoiwfn was created here.

Hereford

Features Prettyboy Reservoir a favorite for locals to piss in (swimming is banned), which feeds into Lock Raven Reservoir through the Gunpowder river, which is in the top 100 rivers in America (There are only 101 rivers in America). The water from these reservoirs then becomes Baltimore's drinking water.

Bel Air

It was started when a couple of kids who were up to no good started making trouble in their neighborhood. They got in one little fight and their moms got scared, and said "You're moving with you auntie and uncle in Bel Air." That's how The Fresh Prince got here. It's also the birthplace of insane president murderer John Wilkes Booth. That makes Bel Air a gangsta and murder town.

White Marsh

Is known as upper Essex, which is known as upper Dundalk. Essex and Dundalk have an annual football game (the "Toilet Bowl") to determine who has to claim the shit plant for the year. White Marsh residents observe and laugh as they found out how to get out of both dumps. White marsh is known as a supreme shopping area for northern Baltimore. People in white marsh believe they are rich, but they are kind of white trash yet have a little extra money.

Roland Park

While technically "in the city," Roland Park was one of the nation's first suburbs filled with Volvo liberals. Full of potentially fatal tree limbs, over-sized mansions full of amusing yet vicious eccentrics, and a population whose use of the 311 system far outstrips the city's ability to handle the calls ("Hello? City? There's a LEAF in my yard!"), Roland Park remains one of the best-designed proto-suburbs for the rich and those who are merely kind of shabby.

Economy

Two of Baltimore's finest products together at the same time.

As a port town, from early stages in its history Baltimoron women frequently gifted sailors and visitors Baltimore became famous for its crabs. The city if particularly associated with blue crabs, an especially delicious and itchy variety of the crotch-dwelling crustaceans. Continuing the age-old tradition to this day, people who visit Baltimore will most likely get crabs from the women there.

Drugs, including cocaine, crack, kittens, and heroin became widespread in Baltimore in the 1980s and is now used by residents as the city’s sole source of nourishment. Additionally, tons of heroin is exported every day, usually through a bartering system for the city’s primary currency, guns.

A traditional source of commerce that was once prevalent in Baltimore that is not so much today was the lucrative dirt farming industry. At the turn of the century, a tumultuous decade of anti-droughts that brought rainfall to the city ruined dirt crops by turning them into worthless mud crops. Despite the lack of dirt farming it Baltimore city, it still remains the most lucrative economic opportunity in the larger state of Maryland.

Today, there is no economy in Baltimore, just a gun store, liquor store, corner store, and an alley between the two with a drug dealer in it. This is the make up of the city on every block, and since the stores are constantly being robbed by the crack addicts and gang bangers, a money system has been abolished. To put this in perspective, if you walked into Baltimore with the change in your pocket you have right now, you'd have more money than the city has made in the past twenty years. As previously mentioned, the actual currency in Baltimore is guns, and you social status is determined by how many people you've killed. It works like Modern Warfare 2 except your perks are replaced with crack cocaine.

Regional Accent

The Baltimore accent was best described by The Don & Mike Show as a "twangy, nasaly dialect...where crabbers use speech patterns barely intelligible my mainlanders." Examples include: Balldamore = Baltimore Croddy = Karate, Draff = Giraffe, Dug = Dog, Coats = Colts, Drew Hill = Druid Hill, Wooder = water, tal = towel, Warshintun = Washington.

The Baltimore accent is still widely used because it is enough to qualify a person for welfare.

Although very popular among the white population, the Baltimore accent was completely rejected by black residents. This can most likely be traced back to 1904, when Reverend Marcus Q. Jackson III proclaimed to his parishioners (his gang), "Don't be talkin' like no white man, yo. Day be fuckin' are shit up fer real." The Great Baltimore Fire followed shortly thereafter.

Famous Baltimorons

One of the world famous Baltimore zebras

• A zebra, Baltimore's State Mammal, which represents the racial segregation that is such a treasured tradition in Baltimore.

• Michael Phelps, the world's swimmer would get all the Olympic gold medals but had a DUI here in this city. Paris Hilton bailed him out and survived legal waters.

• Katie Hoff, quite sexy swimmer since 15 she's a neighbor of Michael Phelps.

• Officer Salvatore "Dude" Rivieri, A highly respected veteran of the CIA from 1967 through 2005. His demise was caused through a misunderstanding, when a terrorist dressed as a nerdy skater kid pretended to be touched by the notorious agent, in an attempt to gather sympathy.

• Haley Sieglien, quite sexy swimmer since 8 she's a neighbor of Michael Phelps.

• Nancy Pelosi, owner of a street in Little Italy where one day, the White House will stand. She also owns a plastic surgery clinic in Littly Italy,where she has had roughly 83 of her facial cosmetic surgeries.

• Dontay Carter, whose miraculous 1993 escape through a bathroom window in the Clarence Mitchell Courthouse was followed by endless bathroom graffiti citywide, which wondered--ponderously and in script--"WHERE DONTAY??"

Trivia

• One in every nine Baltimorons is currently addicted to heroin.
• If you manage to kill 15 people in Baltimore, you will receive a key to the city and a gold medal (Michael Phelps has eighteen of them for a reason).
• The three biggest problems in Baltimore are drugs, homeless people, and abandoned houses.... we're still not quite sure how that works.
• If you repeat things you read here in Baltimore, you will experience a rectal tearing equivalent to being jailed at Riker's Island.
• The Wire was a television program filmed in Baltimore which made approximately 250,000 young affluent white teenagers proud to be in the shadow of one of the most violent cities of the union. The day after the show's premiere, virtually every young adult in the metro area with parents' making over $250,000 per year started sporting Baltimore 'gang wear' (i.e. plain white t-shirts fitting all the way down to the knee). The next day, every one of these children were either shot or turned into prostitutes working on North Avenue, the city's most famous tourist destination.
• Baltimore is also the home of the legendary Fever and Starscape raves where many nearby college students take part in rituals such as chewing on the bones of dead babies.
• If you are the Sheriff in Baltimore, you've obviously fucked up your life pretty bad. I mean, the previously mentioned heroin addicts are better off than you.
• Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins research facility, a school so irrelevant that it does not yet have an Uncyclopedia vanity page, is currently doing extensive research on the mystery that is cum. The researches, unfortunately, have been plagued by frequent STD infections.
• Baltimore is the Swimming capital of Maryland, or the east which would not be soon due to the fact 89% black people cant swim. The world's swimmer Michael Phelps lives here including also a hottest swimmer Katie Hoff lives here.
• Baltimore is also the name of that guy in the alley who puts things in my mouth.
• Because every home in Baltimore is boarded up, all residents are forced to sleep in make-shift homes made of the city's only abundant resource, corpses of drug dealers and women who talk back.
• The racial make-up of Baltimore City is 99.79% African-American (the remaining 0.21% are the lazy, filthy Dutch). On the Awesome Scale® of 1 to 100, 100 being the best, Baltimore ranks a 97 in the "Envied by white kids from Howard County" factor. Other ratings for Baltimore are: "Origination of ghetto slang non-sense" - 98, "Chance that white people will drop in and say hi" - 6, "Odds that Marty Bass will regain his crown as Emperor of Baltimore and proclaim that bald men are sexy and Sally Thorner is an old biyatch" - 86. "Chances that the bay will ever be clean"- negative yourmom.
• To honor the world's Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, all of Interstate 70 is named Michael Phelps Expressway and the Baltimore-Washington International Airport is renamed to Michael Phelps International Airport.