Baltimore Ravens

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Baltimore Ravens
Year founded: 1996 (YES FOUNDED)
City Baltimore (Balmore), Maryland
Team colors beat em up purple & black
Head Coach John "older bro and NOT JIM" Hardballs.
Owner Steve Biscotti'
General Manager Ozzie Newsome
Super Bowls Broke perfect streaks to get 'em. (XXXV and XLVII)

“Hey! I have no clue who Ray Rice is. We rush again and again!”

~ Cam Cameron on Offensive Plays

“He both has stabbed the competition and is part deer.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ray Lewis

“Joe Flacco is such a douche! Can't even win a Super Bow-- Oh Crap! ”

~ Tom Brady on Joe Flacco

“Flacco throws to Torrey Smith! Touchdown! Flacco flows to Jacoby Jones! Touchdown! Bernard Pollard hits a Patriot player. And... he's paralyzed!”

~ Typical phrases repeated during the Ravens Patriots Games in the Flacco era.

The Baltimore Crows (Ravens) were the result of Edgar Allen Poe taking a shit fifty years after he was dead.

After Robert Irsay completely trashed Baltimore by moving the Baltimore Colts to Indianapolis, along with completely pissing on Baltimore again by being a whiny bitch about Baltimore's new team Canadian Football League by crying to a commissioner that Baltimore should not be named Colts, the Stallions went to championships anyway to be the only American city to win a Canadian trophy (NHL is piss and Toronto already won the World Series.

As the Stallions paraded with a trophy, Art Modell repeatedly attempted to get a new stadium from Cleveland, who procrastinated over and over again. Finally frustrated with this, he consulted Yoda who recommended that they move the team, a team screwed over and over again in the 80's by |that team with the South Park fans that got Peyton Manning year. Modell prepared to christen the team the Baltimore Browns AKA THE DEFECTORS and perhaps start a racial war that would have made Spike Lee so pissed, when he stepped on Poe's ancient shit, causing the Cleveland Browns to die and making the team the Baltimore Ravens. The Cleveland Browns resurrected in 1999, hoping to one day win a Super Bowl. (Seriously, after this fucker screwed your lives once again I hope you win in New York in 2014.) Anyway, the Ravens were born.

Defectors Suck[edit]

In 1996, they drafted Ray Lewis and Johnathan Ogden, and they beat Shittsburgh for the first time at home, which capped off the entire highlight reel for their inaugural season. In 1997, Ravens still sucked ass. Pittsburgh loved this time. Also they tied with the Eggos, the only freakin' tie in the history of the Franchise. 1998, nothing happened and at this point, Shittsburgh has swept the Ravens a second time. In 1999, Art Modell was pissed, and he fired a coach who won a championship for Baltimore in the USFL during the 80's. Unfortunately, he couldn't accomplish anything, which resulted in the hiring of Brian Billick. Ravens actually had a .500 season for the first time since Edgar Allan Poe wrote The Raven. Also, Shittsburgh was beaten and a new logo was created after paying three dollars to the security guy for complaining about copyright infringement (what do you expect from a commissioner who expands in Jacksonville and recommends Baltimore gets a museum). Scientists conclude based on conclusive evidence from a well known source that this so-called expansion team was still the DEFECTOR despite the Browns being reborn this year.

The Happy Time For Ray Lewis[edit]

The Ravens had a great season in 2001 led by Ray "Heaven's Linebacker" Lewis, and the team actually got to the Superb Owl, where a bird traditionally gets the crap beaten out of them. The tradition was not carried on this year, as the New York Giants failed to defeat the Ravens. Ray Lewis ended up winning the Super Bowl MVP, which stands for "Me Visit Park", a reference to the fact that the winner of this award wins a free vacation to Disney World. Unfortunately, Lewis drowned in his tears of joy after the game, so quarterback Trent Dilfer was sent to Disney World as a valid replacement.

The Beginning of the Brady, Manning, and Roethlesberger chacha Slide[edit]

Since 2001, only Oakland went to the Super Bowl to fight against pirates. Other than that, Brady, Manning, and Roethlisberger shed their light of success to win Super Bowls each year. The victims included St. Louis, Carolina, Philadelphia, Seattle, Chicago, and Arizona. Meanwhile, the Ravens blew up by trying to keep the team together after trolling the Giants in 2001, resulting in mediocre play and Ray Lewis feeling let down by the big men. To make a long story short, they lost to Pittsburgh the following year. They sucked again next year. The following year, they won the AFC North title, but lost to the Tits. After sucking for two more years, they won the AFC North again in 2006, only to lose to Manning as he earned a trip to his first Super Bowl. The following year, the Ravens sucked so bad that they lost to Cam Caravan and the bucket of rotting fish, who only had one victory the entire year, in overtime. Bisciotti ate Brian Billick that year. After consulting Sean Connery, Bisciotti found a rock that he licked repeatedly until it formed into John Hardballs. The Suckiness would continue.

Joe Fumblin' Flacco Era[edit]

After Steve McNair was called into service by the Red Army Choir, Kyle Boller was being a pussy again and became lazy, making him injured. Meanwhile, George Lucas pulled the backup to work on another Indiana Jones Bomb. Coach Hardballs hired Joe Flacco to start. Strangely enough, he has had a winning season every time he works. However, if it were not for I.R.K. (Irsay Rooney Kraft), and the fact that Flacco keeps fumblin' balls, there would be a dynasty (see below).

2008 to 2011 Seasons of Douchebaggery[edit]

At the start of the 2008 season, Joe Flacco was completely fucked up because Derrek Mason wiped his ass on the Terrible Towel. As everyone knows, Sauron is a close acquaintance of the Rooney Family. So EVERY SINGLE DAMN GAME that the Ravens played against the Steelers that year was always a FREAKIN' LOSS because Orcs kept eating all the footballs, causing the Refs to throw flags in Panic. This allowed the Steelers to win the AFC championship game, teasing the Arizona Cardinals about their first lombardi only to get a touchdown within a single minute of the game as Roethlesberger got another freakin' ring. That makes it three for Roethlesberger that third ring is for something else. Anyway, Flacco managed with Ray Rice to actually get into the playoffs again, actually beating Pittsburgh this time and bitchslapping Tom Brady along the way in the wild card, but once again was stopped by Peyton Manning and the DAMN HORSES with no Balls. The 2010 season was just the same and again the Ravens got a wild card BECAUSE JOE FLACCO WAS FUMBLED BY TROY Polamalu. A dropped pass by TJ Who's Man Za DUH cost the Ravens the game because ONCE AGAIN BEN Roethlesburger made a comback. Finally, in the 2012 season, Torrey Smith arrives from the Mushroom Kingdom, along with Anquan Boldin who sought revenge against BIG FUCKIN' BEN. This time the Ravens pummel everyone to dust, except for the Chargers, and pussy titans and jaguars (HOW THE HELL DID WE LOST THOSE???). To make a long story short, the Ravens cruise to New England where Whiny Brady pisses himself to get more flags. This the game where Billy Cundiff misses the field goal and everyone tries him as a witch (Lee Evans meanwhile sneaking off into the distance. Fortunately, IRK was defeated in the last three seasons by the New Orleans Saints, Cheeze, and of course, Eli Manning and his Magical Unicorn. Tom Brady's Wife beat Wes Welker with deep-fried butterfingers after that.

2012 season[edit]

So this season was very crazy. After losing an AFC Championship Game after two simple opportunities to win, Evans and Cundiff were executed by King Henry VIII. Fresh new players like Jacoby Jones and Justin Tucker were brought in to replaced the victims of King Henry. With replacement refs, hell broke loose as the season began. Terrell Suggs needed a break from these refs and began a pickup basketball career. However, he balled so hard that he tore his ACL and was told that he'd miss the remainder of the regular season. Many veterans also lost their lives and contracts fighting the demon. Art Modell passes on, leaving Yoda to face the wrath of Lucas alone. The season started with a thrashing of the Bungels. This was followed by a loss to Michael Vick. The sad thing was that Torrey Smith recently lost his brother to a motorcycle accident, the day that the Brady Empire of Miltanks marched into town to troll the Ravens. Fortunately, Flacco used Hyper Beam, Smith used Agility, and Justin Rookie Tucker used Low Kick, to win the game 31-30. However, a win against the Tony Homos cost Ray Lewis his triceps and sent Lardarius Webb back to the hospital. This season became Hell as Houston teabagged the Ravens before the bye week. After the Bye Coach Hardballs fought against a coup that would have turned the league apart. Also, Al Capone was laughing from Aquaman's lair while this was happening. This led the Ravens to a pitiful four game winning streak against the Browns, a pitiful fight against the Oakland Winers, a thrashing of the Stools, and finally, a typical conversion on 4th and 29 by Ray Rice. However, the Crows got back into their normal form as they lost at home to the best Stoolers quarterback in the league Charlie Batch (this time, Flacco did not lose the ball). The week after, the Ravens did a miraculous performance as RG3 was sacked causing the backup to drive down the field and add eight points to the board. Did I not mention that Darth Vader used the death star to create a 60 yd kick return letting the Ravens leave FedEx with a score of 28-31. Hardballs kicked Cam Caravan out and put Jim Ballswell in as the OC. He did wonders as the Broncos beat the Ravens 34-17 by guess who! Eventually, Ballswell made the Ravens fuck it up by beating the Giants to secure the division title. That was disappointment. Later, the Bungels came and beat the Ravens, because that really mattered anyway like last year. Aside, Ray Lewis promised himself that he needed to go hunting and said that he would leave after the season. Joe Flacco promised revenge.

Super Bowl[edit]

Nothing really happened this game. ESPN polled that the Ravens would lose, just like they accurately predicted that the Ravens would lose to each of their prior opponents. After all, Colin Kaepernick was going to be printed on a Wheaties Box for his contributions to the world of the NFL. The Ravens started the game with a huge lead in the first half, 21-6. In the second half, Jacoby Jones scored a touchdown which caused many Americans and Texans fans to burn their furniture in disbelief. However, the miracle occurred when the power went out for forty days and forty nights. This sparked the decision for the Ravens defense to leave the stadium for a trip to Las Vegas. The absence of the defense allowed the 49ers to roar to life and people cheered as the 49ers continued to score, and Flacco continued to choke. Just as Kaepernick began to put the game away, Ray Lewis hunted down Bambi and used his spirit to become a guy in a suit and get into a knife-fight with Donkey Kong. This prompted Kaepernick to throw the ball into the hands of Crabtree. Dr. Who stopped the play in effort to make the ball unreachable. This caused the Ravens to stall the ball for a minute with Hardballs to create a dumbass play of purposely giving the 49ers two free points and the ball back, a controversial move which angered everyone in America who bet on the score. The 49ers would only have possession for four seconds. Ray Lewis sacrificed Terrell Suggs' ACL again, and the Ravens emerged victorious. After the game, all of the fans from Baltimore cheered when receiving the news that Ray Lewis would no longer be on the Baltimore Ravens.


Most of the fan base is made up of humans (roughly 74%). The remaining population consists of goats, birds, corgis, and rednecks. The aforementioned fans are the ones who do not throw food, and certainly do not trot around in tank tops bragging how their other sports team dominates the world. They do not vomit on you either. Zookeepers have been able to tame most of this fan base, except for some of the lousy humans who are often seen streaking across the field or pouring their beverages on the opposing teams' wide receivers.

The Official Ravens Guide to Hating Other Teams[edit]

  • Pittsburgh Steelers, The Ravens always split the season series with Pittsburgh, but recently, James Harrison of the Steelers tried to tear up the M&T Bank Stadium's grass with his bare hands.
  • New England Patriots, Tom Brady is a wuss. He also prevented the Ravens from making the Super Bowl many times.
  • Indianapolis Colts, Johnny Unitas used to play in Baltimore, but his legacy was tarnished when Jim Irsay moved the Colts to Indianapolis, where they became winners.
  • Denver Broncos, John Elway deserted the Baltimore Colts. Manning, however, struggles with beating the Ravens in the playoffs.
  • Dallas Cowboys, No American likes America's Team, which caused them to become Mexico's Team.
  • San Francisco 49ers, They have been pissed at the Ravens since the Super Bowl. Kaepernick is an attention whore, and their coach is related to the Ravens coach (uncle's sister-in-law's insurance agent's dog's father's owner's fitness trainer).
  • Cincinnati Bengals, It's difficult to win at their stadium.

The Official Ravens Guide to Feeling Sympathy for Other teams[edit]

  • Cleveland Browns, They play in Cleveland, their primary color is the color of feces, and they suck. Shouldn't every team sympathize for these losers? (WARNING--MAY CAUSE ELVES RIDING DOGS TO PERFORM A RITUAL SUMMON THAT CREATES A BAKER MAYFIELD. Stay Tuned.)

Neutral Teams[edit]

Teams not mentioned on the previous lists.

Raven Nation[edit]

Fan anthem of the Ravens. They bring you da Purple pain. They have a site called The Caw. There is a marching band that has been around since 1946 when the original colts existed. There is a Ring of Honor for the Baltimore Colts. They do not brag about how they have six Super Bowls while not winning any championships prior to 1970. Green Bay has that privilege with 13 and you Don't. Muhammad Ali is a Ravens fan who actually visited the camp. True Ravens fans also watch Orioles games during the summer and not bitch and moan about consecutive losing seasons (that streak has also ended).

See also[edit]