Cincinnati Bengals
“We all make mistakes, right?”
“Child Please”
The Cincinnati Bengals are one of the eight original NFL teams, all of which were original members of the Cincinnati Football League (CFL) until the league folded in 476 AD. The Bengals were initially founded by Jon Stewart at the beginning of time along with the other 7 original members of the CFL. The Bengals are perhaps best known as being the founding and most dominant team in the CFL because they own Jack in the Box and Thanksgiving. However, after the Sac of Rome (location of the CFL headquarters), the CFL was forced to fold and the Bengals were sold to retired gynecologist and American Football enthusiast, Dr. Dre. Stewart remained with the team as General Manager until being fired along with every other member of the team, including staff, just before the folding of the CFL. The Bengals are also well known for being particularly good in the 1990's, managing to win over 4% of games played. Throughout the 1990s the Bengals were a center of new ideas and development for the NFL and American Football strategy alike. Coach Bruce Coslet is credited with the invention of the "3rd Down Punt", a play that has gone out of use by the Bengals since the 2005 NFL season, but saw a resurgence in 2008 by the Detroit Lions and is currently a fan favorite play for fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. It has been suggested, typically during the annual race riots in Cincinnati, Ohio, that The Bengals are a government conspiracy designed to make Police officers shoot Black People levitating over a river in Germany. The Bengals induced mass panic and hurricanes named after women, when they made the playoffs in 2005, confusing fans who were convinced at the time that the object of American Football was to find the most creative way to lose. Since then the Bengals' have parted ways with star wide receiver Snoop Dogg and franchise quarterback Eminem. The Bengals are known in some Masonic lodges as being the one true messiah that will bring Football back to it's original meaning, in the idea of being about Beer, Helmets, and being hated by every country outside of the United States and Kentucky.
The CFL and beginnings of the NFL[edit]
In the beginning, God created the Heavens, the Earth, and the Cincinnati Football League. The Bengals' first season started out in typical Bungles fashion, losing their first 3 games ever to the Cincinnati Reds, The Cincinnati Royals, and the Cincinnati Mighty Ducks. However the Bengals did the Hokey-Pokey and turned themselves around and went on to win the next 6 games, eventually beating the Cincinnati Cyclones in their final game of the season, just enough to make the CFL Playoffs. After a great run in the CFL playoffs, the Bengals lost the first CFL championship game, however the game was later forfeited to the Bengals due to the fact that the Cincinnati Celts were involved with [9-11].
The next 3 years were fraught with poor performance and, faced with the threat of being forced to fold, the Bengals cut every single player, fired every coach and staff member other than offensive coordinator, Steven Colbert, who was chosen to replace Stewart as General Manager. While some accused the new team of being a cheap Spin-Off of the old Bengals, they quickly proved to be a better TV Show Team, winning every single CFL championship until the league folded in 476 AD due to the Sac of Rome.
After the CFL folded the Bengals went looking for a new league to play in, they sought to create a professional sport out of a backyard excuse to drink Beer that had come to define the CFL. They would eventually come to form a league with 7 other teams, The Doors, The Beatles, The Who, Abbott and Costello, Ozzy Osbourne, Samuel L. Jackson, and the Green Bay Packers. Bengals fans regularly cite the fact that the Bengals were the first team to sign the contract for the league and ,therefore, are technically the First Professional Football team in History, because they have absolutely nothing else to be proud of beyond their owner's successful record label.
Pre-1977[edit]
After forming the NFL on May 29, 1453, the Bengals quickly became the least relevant team in the entire NFL for exactly 524 years. Having been the only team to have survived from the original 8 American Football teams, they commanded a certain ammount of respect from the other teams, despite the consistently sub-par performance of the team. However, the other teams were too busy playing well worrying about each others' health to pay attention to the Bengals.
NFL historians have found fossil evidence that suggests that the Bengals were not even recognized as a legitimate team until 1968 when the team was sold by Dr. Dre's grandson, Beauregard Dre to Paul Black, Ex- Head coach of the notorious Cleveland Blacks (re-named to the Browns in 1997 to follow the Cleveland tradition of pissing off Native Americans). After 1968 the Bengals continued their tradition of being frustratingly incompetent until the 1977 season, when they took their levels of incompetence to the next level and went 0-19, despite only having 14 games in the season.
1977-1988[edit]
In 1977 the Bengals finally decided to make themselves known by managing to lose more games than they played. To solve the puzzle of how the Bengals managed to accomplish such a gargantuanly inept task, the government of Kentucky brought in top minds,Carl Sagan and Oscar Wilde. After nearly a year of free Kommunist Fried Chicken and fucking delicious biscuits, Sagan and Wilde came to the conclusion that Oprah Winfrey had sent the Bengals to earth, as her one and only son, to die for our sins so that we could experience an eternity of free Toyotas, each year managing only to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers who at the time somehow surpassed the Bengals as the worst team in the NFL. This game was always enticing because it was played on the last week of the season and each team would try to lose so they could get the first pick in the draft. It never really mattered though because any player drafted by either team would refuse to play for them. In those 7 years 13 of the 14 players drafted in the first round by these teams retired before their first game, aside from the one who was traded to Jersey/A before he got the chance to retire. Unfortunately, the following year he was diagnosed with a terminal case of breaking out in vaginas, ending his otherwise promising career.
1985 started out just like any other year in the past 7. The Bengals went 1-15, people were irate and began rioting shooting Black people. The whole team was a laughing stock and the few fans the Bengals had left started framing the players by placing guns in their cars and injecting them with drugs. The cops, being the masterminds behind all of it, would then arrest them and tell ESPN to publicize it. Eventually the whole team was in jail and they started up their own prison team called the gridiron gang, which was surprisingly decent, making it to the AFC Championship game but ultimately missing the opportunity due to a sour kick by Billy Cundiff. Unfortunately, this didn't help them much when they returned to play because... I mean seriously, look at Michael Vick.
13 years of sheer dominance: 1989-2002[edit]
In 1991, Paul Black died from complications of sheer frustration and his son, Mike Black, took over the team in his absence. Mike Black immediately contacted Beauregard Dre's son, Andre 3000, and hired him on as the new team General Manager. Black cited his intense value of other people's opinions as the reason for hiring a General Manager when his father had not done so. A new and promisingly rebuilt Bengals team overcame obstacles to finish 3-13 after the 1992 season. The city was so excited that they held a parade, involving Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a dream" speech, in which he stated that he hoped that his children would one day see a day where the Bengals would make the NFL playoffs, a dream that was recognized when Hell froze over c. 2005 AD.
9 years later, in 2001 the Bengals drafted Wide Receivers Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg, and managed to improve their record to 4-12, causing the fans to be ecstatic due to the incredible progress that the team was making. They knew that at this pace their Bengals were bound to win the Super Bowl.
2003-2010[edit]
In 2003, future star and franchise QB, Eminem would be drafted #1 overall and signed to a lifetime contract in which he was never allowed to leave, on penalty of being booed excessively by whiny Bengals' fans who have no perception of the future. Eminem and Snoop Dogg would quickly become one of the most potent QB-WR tandems in the league, the likes of which made every team Cowher in fear until they realized that the rest of the team was terrible. Snoop and Nate were aided immensely with the drafting of WR Warren G. The quartet of Eminem, Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, and Warren G pushed the Bengals to completely different levels of incompetency, sacrificing the team's chemistry for the ability to win more than 4 games for once.
The Bengals proved Dr. King right in 2005 when Eminem and Snoop lead the team to their first NFL playoff appearance ever. Unfortunately, Eminem had become a marijuana addict, and began injecting 5 whole Marijuanas before each game. On the day of the Bengals' first ever NFL playoff game in 2005, Eminem overdosed by injecting 10 whole Marijuanas before the game, and was rushed to the hospital immediately after Warren G was critically injured in a drive-by shooting by Steelers' linebacker Mac Miller. Despite the complete bungling of their first playoff game, the Bengals continued to improve for the rest of the decade,
2011-2017[edit]
After the 2010 season, Eminem was drafted into the United States Army and was forced to leave the Bengals, despite not living up to his contractual obligations. Head coach, A Black Guy tried to convince owner Mike Black to draft Thom Yorke out of Missouri to replace Eminem. In perhaps one of the greatest decisions in the history of football, Black decided to draft WR Paul McCartney with the #4 overall pick, and QB A Ginger with their second round pick. The WR-QB tandem of McCartney and Ginger successfully took down president Santorum in the 2016 presidential election, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for writing a book together. However, upon the Bengals being elected president of America, the country of Kentucky seceded from earth and started World Civil War I. As a result, A Black Guy was drafted by the U.S. Army for the newly formed 21st human shield divison. A Black Guy was replaced by Mountain Dew in the 2016-17 offseason, and the Bengals immediately won three Super Bowls in a row before the start of the season. However, they only won two games during the season. Both of which were later revealed to be NBA games.
2018 and beyond[edit]
The Bengals improved dramatically in the 2018 NFL Draft, selecting running back Jeff Bezos and goalie An actual tiger No. 1 and 2 overall. They are expected to lead the overthrow of Cuba within the next few years, for the glory of Our Capitalist Overlords. Luckily, Ginger was not eaten by the almighty dragon god disguised as his wife this year, so most experts are projecting at least a 52.34 percent success rate.
Triva[edit]
- The Bengals collectively wrote the hit song, "Walk like an Egyptian"
- The Bengals have never had a losing season despite having more losses than wins in most seasons they have been in existence
- The original meaning of the term "Bengal" is "One who is incredibly inept at everything they do despite showing extreme promise before one actually starts doing it"
- The Bengals managed to dominate the 1989-2002 seasons despite not winning a single game.
- John Oliver (Bengals head coach 1857-1968) is currently ranked as the second best coach in Bengals history only surpassed by offensive coordinator Steven Colbert. Both of which are ranked in the top 10 worst coaches and were elected into the Hall Of Shame
- The Cincinnati Bengals have their own Uncyclopedia article that had probably been edited more times throughout the years than any other sports team's article, despite literally noone on the planet giving two shits about the Bengals.
- The Steelers are merely a mythological team, said to be created by Satan Himself. This has nothing to do with the Bengals whatsoever, but it was an easy shot to take :)
- George Clooney once played Quarterback for the Bengals from 1923-1932 during the short stint that their name was changed to The Leatherheads
- Micheal Phelps once raced Chad Javon Ochenta y Cinco around the world. Phelps won due to the fact Ochenta y Cinco got arrested and put in Guatanimo Bay because they believed he was a terrorist. He was released soon after, when they realized that he wasn't a terrorist, he was just annoying.
- The Bengal's Current Owner, Mike Black, is currently ranked as ESPN's #665 Best Franchise Owner in Proffessional Sports History.
- The Bengals Currently have 2 Alumni inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame and 7 Alumni in the Hip-Hop Hall of Fame
- Mohandas Gandhi was the offensive coordinator for the Bengals from 1987-1999. His "Midwest Pacifism" playbook has become an incredibly influential playbook, as well as playing style, that still influences the Bengals to this day, as well as occasionally popping up for small stints with notable teams such as the Detroit Lions, the Buffalo Bills, the Carolina Panthers, and all of the other really awful teams.
See also[edit]
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