Arizona Cardinals

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Arizona Cardinals
A typical Cardinals fan

The Arizona Cardinals, though thought for years to be merely a myth, are, in fact, a professional football team in the NFL (pronounced NUF-luffa, as in that song by Journey), and have been since 210 B.C. The organization claims to be the "oldest NFL franchise", and nobody has ever called them on that claim, because no one's old enough to remember, and if they were, they wouldn't care. If the Cardinals are known at all (which they aren't), they are known for the bright colors on their uniforms: Loser Red and Suck White.


The history of the franchise is not quite clear. This team has to be the worst team to ever enter into the NFL. Not only do they suck major cow nuts but their "fans" seem to believe they have a chance at winning the Super Bowl every year. Needless to say they disappoint there fans (if there are any) every year. This could have something to due with the fact that the ownership group (the Bidwill family) is cheap, and in addition to not paying their players, doesn't hire adequate staff to keep track of "insignificant things like team history" (some Bidwill, quoted Nov. 1903). The only thing known is that they've never been to a sushi bar. However, they have been to more than a few taco shops.

The Early Years[edit]

In the early years of the NFL (approx. 1900-1940) the Chicago Cardinals were a dominating force in the league, often finishing in the top five in the six-team league. They won the NFL Championship game in 1927 by a score of 15-6 over the crosstown rival Chicago Bears. It was rumored that the Cardinals players bribed the officials for the game with offers of free chalupas at Taco Bell (ironically, Taco Bell had not yet been invented). However, the Cardinals won that championship by default, because the Pottsville Maroons, the strongest team in 1927, "cheated" by playing Notre Dame. The truth is that the NFL felt pity for the Cardinals and gave them their first freebie championship. Then the team did nothing important for the next century. When the league expanded to twelve teams in 1932, the Cardinals were no longer the only team starting with a "C", which made them very unhappy.

Post-Domination Era[edit]

The Cardinals dominance of the league dropped off in 1945, when the league added the three-point line and the 24-second shot clock. They won the WNBA title in 1947, defeating the Philadelphia Eagles in the title game by a score of 8008135-1337. There were no bribes of free chalupas for the referees this time, however. In 1961, the Cardinals relocated to London, UK. In the 70's, the Cardinals went from juggernaut to cupcake, crashing and burning like Chuck Yeager's plane should have.


The modern times of the league have not been very kind to the Cardinals. Relocation to Arizona in 1988 has not helped their cause either. In the revamped 32-team NFL, the Cardinals have finished in the bottom half of the league 29 out of their 21 seasons in Arizona. Their only winning season came in 1998, when they went 1-47 (winning, again, is defined by the fact that they actually did win a game, though not by much). The only truly noteworthy occurrence in this period was when a Cardinals running back was arrested for attempting to blow up the team's practice facility "in an effort to protect innocents from this". Then, they drafted Larry "Could've Been the Next Jerry Rice on Any Other Team" Fitzgerald out of Pitt. They won two of their next thirty games, and the fans were mildly content about that.

The Cardinals often define their history by the moment in 2001 when kicker Bill Gramatica made a chip shot field goal against the New York Giants and decided to celebrate. While jumping up and down after the first quarter field goal that set the Cards ahead 3-0, Gramatica fell and tore his ACL. The Cardinals lost that game, just like every other one. Lucky for him, he didn't have to be on the Cardinals much longer after the incident.

The franchise continued to go downhill, with no light at the end of the tunnel (which is rather unnerving when you consider the potential of being eaten by grues) for the poor franchise. Their slide into suckiness was promoted by Former Head Coach Denny Green's frantic and useless tirades, culminating in him claiming that, "The Bears are who we thought they were!" and, "We let 'em off the hook!" The ownership is considering renaming their team to the Indianapolis Colts, out of sheer irony and generally just being a bunch of meanies. If the Cardinals do happen to win the Super Bowl, hell is sure to freeze over. Don't worry Satan, this is sure not to happen.

It's not a coincidence that the Cardinals play in Arizona, because it is only when it freezes over that something like this can happen. In early December 2008, the Arizona Cardinals, through miracle of voodoo curse, won the NFC West Division. And by another miracle, they hosted the Eagles in the NFC Championship game.

Pants around the world were shat as the Arizona Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC Championship Game to advance to Super Bowl XLIII. A common quote for Tibet to Timbuktu was "What the heck, they're in the Super Bowl?" People all around the world stood in dread, as in two weeks time, many bets were sure to be paid. And not the Vegas Strip kind (Everyone will do that when the Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl)!

The Steelers ended up winning a competitive and close game, though many suspect this was the work of either more bribes of free Taco Bell chalupas or one thousand rogue mirrors somehow linked up to throw off the illusion that the Cardinals were... aw screw it, who cares! So hell will not freeze over, at least until the Houston Texans reach the Super Bowl. Even after losing the Super Bowl, this playoff run was known to be the feel-good story of the decade. The other thirty teams (with the exception of the Lions) allowed the Cardinals to make their first, and only Super Bowl in franchise history. However, the Steelers would have been too embarrassed to lose a Super Bowl to the Cardinals, so they decided to beat them in the last minute.

After losing that Super Bowl, Arizona committed an act of courtesy by releasing Anquan Boldin, Karlos Dansby, and Antrel Rolle to have careers with teams who can actually win Super Bowls without bribes from Taco Bell. Arizona also decided to force Kurt Warner into retirement, so they could stop messing with the NFL and become crappy again.

Cardinals quarterbacks can often be seen on the ground during games.

In fact, quarterback Derek Anderson was discovered to not be an actual football player in 2010. When the San Francisco 49ers were pulverizing the Cardinals, as usual in the forth quarter, Anderson was seen laughing hysterically on the bench. It's not a question that Anderson, a former Cleveland Brown, routinely enjoyed losing. After the game, he was interviewed while he denied this guilty pleasure:

“That's fine, that's fine, that's fine. That's fine. I'm not laughing about it. You think this is funny? I take this (expletive) serious. Real serious. I put my heart and soul into this (expletive) every single week. ... I'm just telling you right now what I do every single week. Every single week, I put my freaking heart and soul into this. I study my (expletive) off. I don't go out there and laugh.”

~ Derek Anderson

The team slid further downhill after that and started a myriad of free agent and sixth-round draft pick rookie quarterbacks that weren't supposed to make the NFL. In 2012, the Cardinals shocked the whole world by beating the Patriots and three other teams to start 4-0. Then, they lost their next 78 games by an average margin of 62.23 points.

In December 2012, head coach Ken Whisenhunt was arrested outside of Candlestick Park for claiming that "Brian Hoyer and Ryan Lindley are better than Joe Montana and Steve Young". The Bidwills had to find a new coach, so they selected Bruce Arians. It wasn't before long that Arians had contributed to the franchise's misfortunes, as he traded for Carson Palmer, the "future face of the franchise".

See also[edit]