Pittsburgh Steelers

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Pittsburgh Steelers
City Pittsburgh (Da Burgh), Pennsylvania
Team colors running from the cops black & oh, i gotta take a piss yellow
Head Coach Mike "Uncle" Tomlin, along with Ronald McDonald as Assistant coach.
Owner The Rooneys
General Manager Mickey Rooney
Super Bowls Too fucking many.

“I like to pass the ball to the other team at least four times a game so we have a little challenge now and then.”

~ Ben "Interception!" Roethlisberger on strategy

“He's the perfect combination of iron, carbon, manganese, and giant clocks”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ben Roethlisberger

“He caught it, he fucking caught it ”

~ Ben Roethlisberger on SuperBowl XLIII

“And Pittsburgh has another pass intercepted!”

~ Phrase repeated by dozens of announcers dozens of times during dozens of games in the Roethlisberger era

“This week, on Days of our Steelers…”

~ Reality shitshow TV series based on the team and its drama

The Pittsburgh Stools are one of four NFL teams held over from the old Negro League. The Stools were founded in 1933 by Art Rooney, then generally considered the blackest rich man in Pittsburgh (or the richest black man, depending on how you look at it).

The Stools were initially transfered to the Canadian Football League during World War II, since the Negro league didn't have enough players after the U.S. Army began implementing its "Send in the Darkies" plan at the end of the Normandy operation to ferret out German machine gun emplacements.

After the war, the United States fought a brief but successful invasion of Canada to return the Steelers to the United States.

Golden Years[edit]

OK, really, Steelers history has three eras. The 1970s, well, They sucked before that. Unlike teams like Da Bears or the Packers, they were unable to win an NFL Championship let alone have a winning season. (The Superbowl had not yet been invented)

In 1969, the Steelers signed Chuck Noll, the skateboarder known for inventing the nollie, to be the team's head coach. The first thing Noll did was inform the ownership about the forward pass rule, which apparently had been in effect since the first Roosevelt administration. Noll then sought out a legion of the most steroid-addled mental rejects he could find. This led to mixed results.

While the Steelers did turn up the notorious cop-killer Mean Joe Greene, who later actually shot at the brain of Ken Stabler live on national TV, the Steelers also accidentally drafted Terry Bradshaw. Bradshaw was once dismissed by his high school coach as "a man so dim that light cannot escape his surface". This is not to be confused with Greene, a man so BLACK that light cannot escape his surface, either. The Steelers apparently did some amazing shit, winning four Super Bowls or so this fat guy at the truck stop told me the other day when I was sitting by myself and minding my own business. He said some shit about some chick who banged Terry Bradshaw, and I was totally like, "That's kind of like Tom Brady getting caught with that goat."

By the 1980s, most of the Steelers' players had been using steroids for so long that they developed a craving for human brains. The Steelers teams initially did well, killing and eating most of their opponents. However, as players kept losing body parts, the team also fell apart. This was because of Kordell "Slash" Stewart who got his nickname not because he slashed opposing defenses, shanked opposing players and cut them up and ate them for their brains.

By 1992, the Steelers dismissed Chuck Noll, who had since returned to skating but no one really noticed until the Steelers fired him and replaced him with the world's first chin implant recipient, Bill "70s Fuck Machine" Cowher. Cowher had come to fame during the 1992 Summer Olympics by killing and devouring Jay Leno to become the chinniest man in a Western democracy. Following the death of Deng Xiaoping, Cowher became the chinniest man in the world, 2nd in all rankings behind a Chinese phone book.

Cowher did some stuff, I guess. He drafted this gay dude who cried a lot, and then they cut him and replaced him with that He Hate Me Guy from the XFL, who our sources tell us was named Maddox. He Hate Me was apparently hated by He, and was replaced by Ben Roethlisberger.

On February 5, 2006 The Pittsburgh Steelers had to overcome the Seahawks and their whining to win Superbowl XL. The Steelers won 21-10. The Seahawks coach explained the loss later by revealing that he had stupidly thought his team was playing the "guys in the striped shirts" instead of the Steelers. Twenty-three referees were killed as a result, but more were cloned by the start of the next season.

The day after coaching his team to victory, Bill Cowher was ambushed by that furry fuckstick, Mike Holmgren, at Heinz Field. He suffered minor injuries including a cattle prod up his ass, but since has recovered, though never to be the complete same man again.

The Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger Era[edit]

This was when the Steelers became the dominant team in the AFC North beating the hell out of the Ray Lewis' Baltimore Ravens. New England Videorapers, the Cincinnati Ben-Gals, and the Cleveland Steamers. Jerome Bettis helped the first year, then left as soon as his old ass finally got a Super Bowl ring. In Spring of 2010, Roethlisberger raped women. Despite a four-game suspension from Roger Goodell, he managed to lead the Steelers to Super Bowl XLV, where they got shit on by the Packers. Like, they literally took a dump on his already terrible reputation. And when he lost, he decided to shave his beard. What the fuck? Why? Like your beard made you lose. If you want to shave anyone's beard, shave Brett Keisel's. The motherfucker looks like a fucking woodsman. If you gave him an ax and set him free, I would honestly believe that he was the woodsman from fucking Little Red Riding Hood. Just shave the goddamn beard. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WIN. But back to Big Ben, he obviously just paid off the women for silence. Bitch, shut the fuck up and I won't unleash hell on your life. Coincidentally, no Steelers fans likes Ben. Uncoincidentally, Roethlisberger is great friends with Mike Vick and Plaxico Burress, both former Steelers.

2009 Season[edit]

The Squeelers had high hopes for the 2009 season, but some of their hope went down the toilet when Troy Polamalu was kicked in the nuts by Rob Boners when blocking a field goal. So Troy was then replaced by Spongebob (who, for some reason, is known as Tyrone 'the nigg' Carter throughout the greater Pittsburgh area) who unsurprisingly DID NOTHING. Why Troy was replaced by a sponge we will never know.

As the Steelers progressed through the 2009 season, they have done well in the beginning, and Spongebob DID surprisingly make a play, by intercepting Kyle Orton's pass in a win over the Broncos, but stopped abruptly to tie his shoe and fumbled the ball.

All was well, but soon the Steelers season turned into a mutilated Lions jersey after a five game losing streak against the worst teams in the NFL, and for the Grand Finale, a loss to the The Browns. During this epic losing streak, the Steelers got their asses beat by the Oakland Raiders. Raiders QB Bruce Gradkowski threw three TD's. Even with Brady Quinn they couldn't win, there were some bad passes that could have easily been intercepted, but we all know Ike Taylor can't catch. Hope was not lost, The Steelers still had a slim chance of making the playoffs. Well, guess what? THEY DIDN'T! Some people still wonder what the season would have been like if Ronald McDonald were still alive today.

2010 season[edit]

The 2010 season started with Ben Rapistburger suspended for violating Roger Goodell. What can I say? He deserves it. They decided to use Charlie Bitch as the quarterback, but he got blowed by Ben Rapistburger, so the new starter was Dennis Dicksinurmouth. He was a faggotass quarterback, and was replaced yet again by Mike Tomlin in the Wildcat who yelled "my nipples are getting hard and it hurts". He managed to lead the Steelers to a stellar 15-0 record, before Ben Roetlisraper came back from his bed (where lots of intercourse happened). In an epic battle with the Cleveland Browns, who had an 0-87 record, Rapistburger led the Steelers to a 0 to -3 lead, with :04 remaining. Cleveland's gay quarterback Dickcheese Weinerfart then threw a hail mary that was caught by Hitler who lateraled it to Bill Cosby who lateraled it to your mom who shot it out of her vagina to John Madden, who was reading a book with his hands , and not with his eyes, which is kind of like reading it with his hands, but its not, so he wasn't reading it with his eyes, just his hands and not his eyes, which means he was reading with his hands, so he handed it off to O.J. Simpson, who scored the gamewinning touchdown, and went to kill his wife. So the Steelers ended up with a 15-1 record, and didnt make the playoffs for the first time since the 60's (when they sucked penis) because the league was laughing at them for losing to the Browns, which is kinda like losing to the Detroit Lions. Everyone beats them. Just as God created John Madden to read with his hands. He also created the Lions to give the other team an easy win. After the season was over, Mike Tomlin released every one of his players, and won 0 straight Super Bowls, with just himself in the Wildcat, before he was thwarted by Al Davis and his big hairy vagina. Yep.


A typical Steeler fan.

Most fans spend their time worshiping the team. They love sammiches. The reason the refs keep giving the Steelers penalties is because the team is so damn good, and they want to give the other team a chance. Steelers fans are known to sit on the heads of Patriot fans while farting after eating pierogi, italian sausage, and Primanti Brothers sandwiches and drinking Iron City beer while waving the Terrible Towel and shouting, "HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!" However, no one actually knows where they are going. Patriot fans take this cheering as a terrible sign of disrespect, as they take every non-act of fellatio on pretty boy Tom Brady. Oh, how Patriots fans wish they can do Tom Brady up without Bill Belicheck videotaping them. ZING! Steelers fans are probably the greatest people in the world next to Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. Steelers fans have run the world since the 1970s, and have ordered all Cleveland sports teams to suck ass for eternity. Cleveland fans told all sports fans in Pittsburgh to shove firecrackers up their asses & blow it out of their mouth so that they won't take any shit from them.

The Terrible Towel[edit]

The Terrible Towel (pronounced "Turble-tahl") was originally invented by Myron Cope, an elderly transvestite from Fox Chapel who can't stop doing an impression of Gilbert Gottfried, for the purpose of wiping his dirty queefs. But one day John Madden happened to pick the cloth up. He sold the cloth to a Girl Scout for access to her mothers vagina and a box of Thin Mints. The Steelers then cloned the towel and started selling the towels to Steelers fans, like Snoop Dogg and Brett Michaels. Then one day at Heinz Field, against the Denver Broncos, Mike Shanahan accidentaly looked at one of the cheerleaders and something started erupting in his pants. He ran across the field right on the Steelers logo and then a bunch of jizz came out from his pants onto the logo, turning everything in the stadium yellow, including the towels and the Broncos' hideous orange jerseys. A week later they changed to those gay blue jerseys, and John Elway AKA Penissucker cursed the Broncos to never win another Super Bowl ever again, since he was pissed off his jersey couldn't blind the other team anymore. The Buccaneers as usual copied the Broncos and changed out of their transparent jerseys. And the former ass towels were now yellow, and the Steelers fans now instead began to wave the towels over their heads to attract the attention of the cotton candy and beer guys. Television viewers thought it was to support the team and the trend caught on.

While the towel has a reputation for being cursed, if you disrespect it you will feel the pain of being sodomized 1000 times with a number 2 pencil. This is oddly specific.

... in other words if you disrespect it in any way you're fucked.

See also[edit]