Buffalo Bills

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Buffalo Bills
City Buffalo, Siberia
Team colors 'Murica
Head Coach Sean McProcess
Owner The Pegulas
General Manager Mr. Bean
Super Bowls Does losing all of them count?
Nickmames Canada's team, the team Trump almost bought

Boy I Love Losing Superbowls

The Buffalo Bills are a "professional" football team. Their home is in Buffalo, New York. They are widely regarded as one of the most successful NFL franchises to exist ever. Their only championships where in 1964 and 1965 where they won two AFL titles. However, the BIlls have not won any championships since the AFL-NFL merger. A move that many now consider "a huge fuck up". They are owned by a 93 year old zombie man who refuses to die named Ralph Wilson. After Wilson dies, Jim Kelly said that he will buy the team from Wilson.

The Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill a friendly man who lived in the woods all by himself. He would have guests over frequently where they would stay in a well he constructed in his home. They would stay for several days putting lotion on their skin. Bill then proceeded to skin them alive and wear their skin. The founders of the Bills felt this sort of behavior was admirable.

Buffalo Bill is also the team mascot and leads fans in a jeering of the opposing team by shouting "ITS PUTS THE-"


The Buffalo Bills have a very successful history with a win/loss record of 322-346 losing 54% of their games. The Bills were recently inducted into the Guinness Book Of World Records as the only team to go to 1,389 consecutive championship games, AND the only team to lose 1,389 consecutive championship games.

On a positive note, the Bills have cemented their status in history off the football field, as their existence has somehow been responsible for the rise of Kardashian clan and the great emperor Donnie Trump. Two great American icons influenced by another one!

Fuck Ups[edit]

The Buffalo Bills have been known to "fuck up" every now and then and cause fans to "vomit bile" here are some of those incidents.

The Super Bowls[edit]

In 1990 The Bills went to the Super Bowl for the first time, led by their false prophet Jim Kelly. Many felt that it was finally time for the Bills to "Win one". The Bills were down with mere seconds left in the game. To beat the Giants they had to kick it through the uprights. Scott Norwood, who never missed, kicked it and it went wide right. Then Ralph Wilson was struck with dementia and never hired any successful ever again except for Wade Phillips.

Scott Norwood is now an alcoholic and is regarded as "Worse than Hitler" by Buffalonians.

Music City Miracle[edit]

What is considered a miracle by most of the NFL but is considered a major cause of suicide in Buffalo is the Titans Vs. Buffalo playoff game which would be Buffalo's final playoff appearance back in 1999.

Bills coach Wade Phillips in a brilliant and stunning move decided to catch the Titans off guard by subbing in second second string Quarterback Rob Johnson for Doug Flutie. The Bills went on to lose 16-22 after a 75 yard kick return from Frank Wycheck's "check down lateral". In his final state of the union address on January 29, 2000, former president Bill Clinton stood at the podium, with his saxophone next to him, stated that a loss for the Bills was a win for America.

The Shittiest Game Ever Played[edit]

The Cleveland Browns were set to face off against the Buffalo Bills. What followed was an amazing display of such mediocrity and lack of talent many viewers forgot they were watching professional football and thought they were watching and Ed Wood movie. This game stands out as one of the shittiest displays of football. EVER. For both teams. In fact there was so much shit in Ralph Wilson stadium that it was dubbed "the worlds largest toilet." The company Waste Management even tried to dispose of a few players. Unfortunately, the coaches didn't allow it, and continued to put them on the field. 20 Bills fans and 12 Browns fans were sent to hospital during the game from being exposed to the toxic shit; resulting in 3 fatalities. Most people who were at that game are now dead as there eyes melted from seeing such a pathetic and horrible display of "football". The Browns went on to win the game 6-3 with only 2 completions. Yeah, 2. For the horrible crimes against Humanity that this game had waged, both the Browns and the Bills were tried at a Military Tribunal held by the UN in Spain. Both were sentenced to death by hanging, but after appeals they had their penalty reduced to fucking up their team in the 2010 NFL draft by picking players in positions where they don't need help.

On top of that they were also sentenced to a re-match the next season. The Bills won this one 6-13, but there was a "2-hour" moment of silence in order to remember the atrocities committed by both teams approximately a year to that date. Noting that only 3 people showed up to the game, it can be assumed that everybody in Buffalo followed suit with the silence.

Five. Freaking. Picks. In. One. Half.[edit]

After numerous failed quarterbacks and coaches, new coach Sean "The Process, but not that Process" McDermott managed to bench the only competent quarterback in the last 17 years, Tyrod Taylor, for Nathan Peterman, just because Taylor was black good... but not good enough. Below is the account of how the new savior of the Buffalo Bills triumphed in his first start:

[This paragraph has been intercepted and returned for a touchdown]

[Paragraph intercepted again]

[And again]


[This entire narrative has been intercepted. Good job, Bills]

Peterman eventually threw himself for an interception before the first half was even over, and the team reverted to playing Taylor again. Amazingly, the Bills actually made the playoffs after this fuck up, possibly because Roger Goodell caught the team trying to tank and placed them there. So it all worked out in the end. Sort of.

Notable Players[edit]

  • Jim Kelly- QB.
  • Jack Camp- QB, who camped a lot.
  • Steve Asker- KR, who asked all the time.
  • Shawn Conlon- LB
  • Scott Norwood- K, who messed up Superbowls by his lousy kicks.
  • Nate Odomes- CB
  • Andre Reed- WR, the best player on the team.
  • Don BeeBeeGun- WR
  • O.J. Simpson- RB, arrested for murdering another team while playing in 1974.
  • Thurman Thomas- RB
  • Bruce Smith- DE
  • Eric Molds- WR, who was never tackled for fear of spreading ebola.
  • Antonio Moreno- RB, the only Mexican running-back to ever play in the NFL.
  • Rob "Fucked-Up" Johnson- QB
  • Doug"The Fastest Quarterback the Bills ever signed" Flutie- QB
  • Brian Mormon- Punter. He was the best player on the team during the playoff drought. Not even kidding.
  • J. P. Lose man- QB
  • Ryan FitzConman - He supposedly was a QB, then he ran off with all the team's money. Dammit, who told us to hire that sneaky Harvard alum?
  • TyGod TayLord- even faster QB who finally broke the drought, then got run out of town for some reason. Was briefly canonized as a saint after his departure as as every quarterback afterwards was a flaming disaster until Josh Allen somehow started running people over
  • Nathan "The amazing" Peter-Man- the first QB in history to be named defensive MVP. Think about that.
  • Trent "PTSD" Edwards, Kevin "Trippin' over on a rug" Kolb, EJ "Give that guy a" Manuel, and ... Derek Anderson- Quarterbacks They ded.
  • You- QB. So you're the one who hurled a dildo at Thanos, huh? We're putting you in at QB because, well, look who else has been playing. At least the team has a good offensive line!
    • 404 error: Linemen missing. Wait, what the hell happened to all our linemen?! Welp, you're boned.
  • Josh Allen- just some dude from Wyoming. Alright, so he can throw the ball into outer space, run people over, not like he can do anyt- DAMN HE LOOKS GOOD IN SHORTS! Let's draft him!
  • Wait, these morons were here too?

Bills Mafia[edit]

Best fanbase ever! Aayyy-ay-AAAAAaay!

Oh, and they happened to donate $350,000 to charity just now. Don't judge too quickly, folks!