Joseph Smith
“Joseph Smith was called a prophet. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.”
Joseph Smith, Jr. (born Smith "Smithy" Smith; December 23, 1805 – June 27, 1844), affectionately known as "Uncle Joe", was an American Samoan religious leader, pimp, and the founder of the Latter Day Saint movement--you know, the Mormons. He is also considered a founder of toothpaste and nametags. Joseph Smith was credited with translating an ancient text into what is now known as the the Book of Mormon. The followers of Joseph Smith say that it's not logical for Smith to have written the book because Smith had a pre-K education and couldn't read a fucking thing! Furthermore, they say that Smith was so learned and scholarly that he learned German and translated new Bible verses.
The church Smith founded was one of the fastest growing pyramid-schemes throughout the 20th century until it was discovered that most people were joining to mostly annoy their parents or to marry a fuckable Mormon. But that didn't prevent Smith from being inducted into the Founding Father of Popular Sects Hall of Fame (FFPSHF) along with such great religious leaders as Moses, Muhammad, Gerald Gardner, Jesus and Charles Taze Russell. The runner-up that year was L. Ron Hubbard.
Joseph Smith began his rise to prophetdom when an angel, named Idioti, showed him a bunch of shit on golden plates. Joe Smith used the plates for target practice and to pound his wife on. When he decided to write stuff from them, they were shot through and thus pretty hard to read. However, they conveyed magic powers upon people. Joseph Smith sold the plates to John Jacob Astor for roughly 14 million beaver pelts, but before he sold them, he used them to get superpowers (much like the mummy from that movie). Astor used the plates to go back in time and start a monopoly on beaver pelts. Fidel Castro bought the plates from Astor's sidekick and used them to gain immortality (the only reason he is still alive). Osama bin Laden then gave Fidel one hundred camels for the plates. Osama used them to make himself invisible. Michael Jackson used them in the 90's to turn himself white. (A further attempt by Jackson to use the plates killed Jackson, which started a massive uproar which shows no sign of abating.) The plates are currently for sale on Overstock.com for about 14 bucks.
Joseph used his extensive knowledge of Amway products to start his religion, except that, while Amway promotes multi-level marketing in a fairly small, timebound way, Mormonism's MLM scheme operates on a COSMIC scale. In fact, Smith doesn't actually exist, rather he is just a blob of motherfucking truth injected with molten ink. This explains his technique for writing the Book of Mormon by simply bleeding over binder paper and stapling it together. It is also known that Joseph Smith found all his inspiration by finding the books of Ramtha, a 100% true entity that existed 35,000 years ago, who has appeared throughout history to influence the best and the brightest.
The Early Years[edit]
Smith and the Angel[edit]
As a youth, Smith received several "visits" from an "angel" (early 19th centry slang for male hooker), who took him through a forest to a secret location and sucked him off. There the "angel" told Smith that he must go snipe hunting. After several hours, Smith became deterred and went back to the "angel" but found the "angel" had vanished. The next night the "angel" returned. He beckoned Smith to the forest again, where he again bamboozled the youth into a snipe hunt. This went on until Smith wrestled the angel. The angel then gave Smith the keys to heaven and earth and another blow job. They parted after exchanging fluids, each one promising to write but never intending to follow through.
Smith's Vision of the Divine[edit]
Joseph Smith plowed hard for many sunny days out in the field washing the soil, which was a cause for concern with his shepherding family. Having no oxen, Smith would holster the family's cat to the hose. Smith often forget his clothes while cultivating the soil. His family often discovered young Joseph naked in the middle of the field.
On one particular day, his brother, Reggie "Fats" Smith, a 50 year-old black trumpet player in a jazz fusion band, found Joseph passed out in the field. When Reggie revived the 14 year old, Joseph said that he'd been kicked in the head by a neighbor's bull, which he'd tried milking. Reggie explained that the female cow was for milking when Joseph interrupted him, saying "I must take my journey. The Lord has a calling for me" Reggie watched as Joseph got up with great purpose and headed deep into the woods.
Smith knew that the creator of heavens and earth probably really cared about a set of arbitrary rules for humans to live their life by. Smith knew that he needed to find the right set of arbitrary rules, such as how one baptises or what people are to eat, what they words they should not say. So, Smith headed off to find the answers in the forest.
While in the forest, Smith was overcome with a vision that would have been prevented with modern medicine. Smith saw an divine personage, who told him to start an American church, one that was better than those snobby european-type churches.
When Smith asked the personage why it had taken 1700 years before getting the true religion on the earth. The divine entity said, "Good point. Well, we had some stuff to do. We were, like, really really busy. I was still deciding to back and get my graduates degree and a lot of people were on vacation. It was, like, should we do it now or later. And everyone was all, 'we need at least do it sometime before the Second Comming.' Here it is, man. You want it, or what?
Joseph agreed. With that, the entity disappeared. And Joseph went home with the words of the visitor reverberating in his head.
Prophecies[edit]
Joseph Smith would often experience his perverted sexual fantasies in a trance-like state, during which he would transfigure into his "true form" or his divine phallic form. His close friends and confidants often witnessed these vision and transfigurations, writing in their diaries that he would turn into a middle-aged woman wearing a pants suit with flaring collars. It has been suggested that Joseph Smith true form is that of Rosalynn Charter circa 1980.
The White Man's Burden Prophecy. The Foretelling of Mitt the Romney[edit]
In 1841, Joseph Smith had a prophecy that foretold the coming of a semi-divine entity called Mitt the Romney. Smith described the coming as "one whose teeth are as straight as his sexuality and whose full noble hair is coiffed and combed, a person whose personal hygiene is above that of all other men."
This man, it was foretold, would be foreordained to come to America to save the "negro and Red and all others who are brown in skin" from their self-destructive tendencies.
The Heck and Darn Prophecy[edit]
Towards the end of Smith's role as prophet and leader of the LDS church, he had a prophecy that was quite specific. In it, he proclaimed that one day a book would be brought forth, in which many bad words, like heck and darn, would be used. Smith foretold the author to be G.D. Salanger and the book would be called Pitcher in the Spelt. He exhorted his congregation to protect the youth from the perilous language held within the book.
To this day, many of Smith's detractors point to this proof positive that Smith was a fraud, while many apologists, such as the BYU-base organization Re-Frame, say that the book will yet appear and that church members should be ready for its coming.
His Death[edit]
Some time after discovering the mormon religion Smith was killed in Illinois by an army of mobbers dressed like fat French hookers and speaking a unique language known as "Southern Prick Speech". (The mobbers, who came from the towns of Paylay Ale and Hieunto Kolob, were a rather rowdy lot, and one of them is said to be an ancestor of Borat, as Southern Prick Speech consists mostly of calling people names and urging bigotry. This "Southern Prick Speech" continues to this day where Baptist preachers tell their congregation that Mormons are deer-horn't, fire-spewin', liberal-votin', war-hatin', jerks and the faithful must show their devotion to God by standing around in Utah holding stupid signs.) Southerners have since stopped short of murdering Mormons and simply shut their ears and yell "LA LA LA LA" when the Mormon missionaries come around.
After Smith's death, the Mormon Church split into a couple of factions. The larger faction, led by Brigham Young, moved to what is now Utah and created Zion, the Mormon paradise. The other faction reorganized itself and moved to Missouri. Now known as the "Community of Christ," it has degenerated into nothing more than the Mormon version of the United Church of Christ. For people who have been recently introduced to this so-called religion, it is recommended that you stay current with the most updated release of the Holy Scriptures: version 3.2. Oprah will be signing copies of these books on her "Mormonism Gone Wild" tour in Jerusalem next Tuesday.
The Mormon article (q.v.: that's a fancy way of saying "see also"} states that Joseph Smith's last words were "I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." More recent research, however, indicates that his last words were, in fact, "Is there no help for the Widow's Son? Brigham, deploy the gatling gun. Goddamn that hurt! I sure could use a drink right now."
Joseph Smith was one of the major influences in L Ron Hubbards life and boy did L Ron learn quickly how to fuck with people's minds.
Did you know...[edit]
- ...Smith was present during the attack on Pearl Harbor holding a hotdog and a copy of Pearl harbour grand prix smothered in mustard.
- ...Smith had well over sixty nine wives, most of them were hirsute.
- ...Smith taught that there are people who live on the moon that dress like Quakers and live to be 1,000 years old.
- ...Smith was also the founder of toothpaste, which at the time, he believed would save mankind from plaque build-up. He was right.
- ...Smith was called a prophet, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
- ...Smith was seen during the September 11 attack of the World Trade Center holding a pizza with cheese toppings.
- ...Smith was born a with a lump in his neck, his twin he absorbed in the womb. This is a little-known made-up fact about Smith.
Sex[edit]
In Mormonism only women are allowed to have sex.