New York Jets

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The New York Jets (formerly the Brooklyn Jews) are a semi-professional football team that apparently "plays" in the National Football League. The team was originally named the Titans but soon after a Jet plane crashed into into the visiting teams bench at Shea Stadium the team was renamed to the Jets. Although the visiting team had no players available after the incident, the Jets amazingly still managed to lose the game after a bad snap on a punt resulted in a safety. Shortly afterward, Jesus Christ came down to Earth and stood on the fifty yard line. Unfortunately, national TV coverage had switched to the movie 'Heidi' so there is no visual record of this event.

Early "glory" days[edit]

The Jets suffered for several years under various head coaches until the Jets sent Tony Soprano to the NFL commissioners office to 'request' that the Jets acquire Joe Namath. The NFL commissioners office agreed to this request and within a few short years the Jets were playoff bound. During the 1968 season, the Jets were a team of destiny. The team won the division and marched through the playoffs to face the highly favored Colts in the Super Bowl. In early 1969, Joe Namath uttered the infamous line "There is no way we can beat this team, they are much better then us. We will definitely not win, we will not win. I guarantee it." It was soon discovered that Joe Namath had bet against the Jets. Joe quickly recovered and removed the word "not" from any previous quote. The Jets went on to beat the Colts in a stunning upset after Joe Namath punched Johnny Unitas in the dick. Joe Namath celebrated by getting drunk and running around saying, "I want to kiss you."

After the Jets victory, they suffered through many years of infutility. During the 80's, the team had a resurgence with the "New York Sack Exchange". The team played in the AFC championship game against the Miami Dolphins in the famous A.J. Duhe game. A.J. Duhe managed to switch from a Dolphins jersey to a Jets jersey after the snap. A confused Richard Todd threw several touchdowns to the wide open A.J. Duhe. The team was on a rebound until Walt Michaels jumped out of an airplane after the Jets owner stated they wanted to sell the defensive line on the New York Stock Exchange as he felt they were overvalued. Soon after coach Joe Walton took over. Joe Walton holds the record for most nose picks caught on live TV. Joe averaged approx 5-6 live nose picks per game. Joe Walton only had 6 offensive plays in the playbook and eventually teams figured out that Joe would run them sequentially, play 1, play 2, play 3... This led to the Jet chant, "Joe Must Go". This chant was started by a fireman who wore a chef's hat. This eventually morphed into the now famous "J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS" chant.

Bruce Coslet took over as head coach and the Jets continued to suck for several more years. He was eventually fired as the team got worse each year. He was replaced by Pete Carroll who made the famous choke sign to the Miami Dolphins kicker, right before the Jets went on to lose the game. In the low point of the Jets history, Richard Kotite was named as a replacement for Pete Carroll after only one year. It turned out that Richard Kotite thought that Jets played European Football (American Soccer). That explained why the Jets had the worst season ever under Kotite with 1 win and 15 losses.

A new era was started when Bill Parcells replaced Kotite and gave the Jets some credibility. He built a solid team through the draft and acquisitions. The team went to the AFC championship game in 1999 and was leading at half time against the Denver Broncos. They ended up losing that game when Richard Kotite ran on the field and tackled Wayne Chrebet as he was about to score the go ahead touchdown. Bill Parcells 'retired' from the Jets and went on to coach the Dallas Cowboys. The Jets hired intern Al Groh for one season before Al moved to Hollywood to make the sequel to "Deliverance".

The Jets hired Herman Kotite, I mean Herman Edwards to replace Al Groh. After several seasons, the front office explained to Herman Edwards that the point of the game was to score points and use the game clock wisely. Herman did not realize that you only get 3 timeouts per half and the game was only 60 minutes long. Amazingly, the Kansas City Chiefs hired Herman Edwards from the Jets after the Chiefs owner beat Leon Hess in a thumb wrestling match.

Wait...What? Who's that?

The Mangini era was an utter disaster characterized by several failures and oddities. Several catfights occurred between Mangini and Patriot coach Bill Bellicheat.

Sexy Rexy era[edit]

Next on the slaughter line they decided to try being a tough team and hired Rex Ryan to coach. Ryan imported guys with funky names like Lee On-hard and Bart "I'm gonna rape you" Scott. Scott immediately declared his intention to sacrifice victories if it meant causing intense physical, mental and emotional pain to the other team. Rex Ryan also made Mark "Dirty" Sanchez as the starting QB for the team. It was later reported that Mark "Dirty" Sanchez got lost while walking around New York looking for the stadium. When hearing of this, Rex Ryan became upset; he immediately began to cry and ballooned up another 100 pounds.

On January 24, 2010, Peyton Manning was quoted as saying, "I knew they'd choke". Then, Peyton Manning chuckled.

Later on, the Jets made the post season again on many comebacks, where the opposing team got so full of themselves that they didn't notice the Jets new player Santonio "The Dealer" Holmes. One of these included the Jets somehow getting a touchdown in 40 seconds or something, I don't remember. All I remember is laughing at the Texans. In the playoffs, Rex Ryan was talking about getting revenge on Manning, and eating tacos. These mixed when they came back yet again, to win with Rex Ryan throwing a taco to the Colts sideline, confusing Jim Caldwell, making him call a timeout. Winning 17-16, Ryan was quoted as saying, "Tacos are awesome but feet tacos are the better."

In 2012, Jets' owner, Woody "Woodpecker" Johnson thought he was going to hell. He acquired threw a trade Tim Tebow. Tebow is a renowned Christian god. Unfortunately, this upset the current quarterback, Sanchez, who is a Satanist, and Santonio Holmes, who is a bishop in Scientology. Tebow further pissed off his teammates by scheduling team drills on top of the Hudson River and changing the Gatorade to wine. Holmes hates wine and prefers crystal meth.

The Team Mascot, Sanchez's glorious end, and Sexy Rexy's love of Feet[edit]

Dirty Sanchez's famous last words: "dat aasssss......"

After the complete and utter failure that was the 2011-12 Season, Rex Ryan hired another foot aficionado in Tony Sparano. Sparano's love of feet was evident during his time with the Miami Dolphins, as he was reported to have an erection every time kicker Dan Carpenter would attempt a field goal. Ryan and Sparano were seen licking Tim Tebow's feet after Dirty Sanchez got a bit too dirty and impaled himself on the ass of his offensive linemen on Thanksgiving, entering another dimension.

Sanchez's demise left Tebow as the only viable person viable for quarterbacking, but... ooops... turns out Tebow was only hired as the team mascot, which upset Fireman Ed to the point he quit and started rooting for the Giants. Tebow's presence as a halftime attraction still managed to sell seats, but the team had become a complete clownshow by then and forgot the point of playing football: winning. As punishment for the catastrophic mismanagement of Tim Tebow and being forced to finish the season with the corpse of Dirty Sanchez at quarterback, Woody dumped everyone into the New York sewers except for Sexy Rexy and commenced a rebuild. Tebow eventually re-emerged, having mutated into a satanic baseball player and was last seen trying to join a local gang.

Unfortunately for Ryan, his erotic foot-licking antics caught up with him even after Sparano was sent away, and the Jets imploded again after two years with some wanker named Geno Smith filling in the shoes of Dirty Sanchez. As punishment two years too late, Sexy Rexy was fired off on a jet to the sun as there was no more room in the radioactive sewers, but his weight pulled him back to earth and he landed alive in football Siberia. Legend has it that sales of foot-fetish merchandise increased there 400-fold not too long after that.

Todd's Bowls[edit]

Following Ryan's firing, it was clear that the Jets needed to go on a diet, so they hired renowned chef and dietitian Todd Bowls to feed the team and the great city of New York some healthy food after Ryan gave the players too many goddamn snacks. After all, the new bowl fad was catching on, so Woody thought why not?

Lets take a look at the new in-flight menu, shall we:

  • FitzMagic Bowl: after sous chef Geno Smith shattered his jaw, splattering his brains into the preseason test bowl and giving the city food poisoning, Chef Bowls hired some mysterious guy named Ryan Fitzpatrick off the streets to take his place and cook something palatable. Fitzmagic, as he was known in Buffalo, worked up his magic here with a surprisingly good bento box featuring 31 touchdowns, all-star receivers, and smashed records.
    • Chef's note: the restaurant ran out of playoff garnish, so hopefully the 10-6 record can satisfy you in itself
  • FitzTragic Bowl: the Fitzmagic bowl was a smashing success. Chef Fitzpatrick took the summer off and came back with a new bowl that he mixed together at the last minute consisting of holdout sauce, pickled interceptions (a new record of six in one half!), Christian Hacken-burger bits, and side of disappointment. Can you handle it?
    • Price: $12 million fully guaranteed
  • Tank Bowl: five star general-chef Josh McCown was hired from the army to give the team some medicine after the disastrous FitzTragic Bowl cost the Jets a lot of money. General McCown provides his signature blend of mediocre play, unknown receivers, and antioxidant trades, served with a shot of guaranteed high draft pick beer. Known to be the best detox bowl in town for a football team trying to shed dead weight!
    • Customer review: so bland, but no pain, no gain
  • Toilet Bowl: a new unexperienced sous chef named Sam Darnold came into the kitchen after the Tank Bowl was too much for the team to handle. Looks like the team can handle some junk food now after the detox. Chef Bowls gave Darnold too much freedom after hearing rave reviews of his accomplishments back in the South Carolina California junior high culinary school. The result: a fried assortment of awkward passing motion, touchdowns, hype, and a side salad of bad coaching decisions.
    • Side effects: may include massive disappointment, broken televisions, a random loss to the worst offense in the league, questionable clock management and explosive diarhea

Note: Chef Bowls was flushed down the toilet by team management after the Toilet Bowl fiasco. The New York Jets restaurant was closed and reopened with a new head chef and... oh geez, he's gonna turn this team into a crack house, isn't he?


Draft magic[edit]

“It's obviously clear to me right now that the New York Jets are fucking geniuses in the draft. Not!”

~ Mel Kiper Jr.

Thanks to New York being home to a bunch of Silicon Valley wannabe's trying to mimic everything they do, especially Sportz Analytikz made famous by the very successful Jokeland A's baseball team, the Jets have caught on to this fad in terms of trying to draft their players. Actually, I take that back, the Jets try to stick the finger to sports analytics by choosing the opposite of what is considered a good draft pick. Almost. Every. Year. Is it any wonder why the team consistently underperforms?

Exhibit A: 1983[edit]

Chris Berman: Well, looks like the Jets are about to make their selection. They've got to go with Marino here, right? Here's commissioner Pete Rozelle announcing the pick.
Pete Rozelle: The Jets take with their first round selection, quarterback-
Jets fans: MARINO!
Rozelle: JaMarcus Russell, purple drank university
Berman: ...oh. Who??

Exhibit B: 1987[edit]

Pete Rozelle: The New York Jets first round selection: [snickers] fullback-

Exhibit C: 1995[edit]

Paul Tagliabue: The New York Jets select Kyle Brady, tight end
[Riot breaks out]
Rich Kotite: What? We missed out on the other Brady, isn't this a consolation prize?

Exhibit D: 2005[edit]

Tagliabue: The New York Jets select in the first round.... wait, you guys actually took a kicker??

Exhibit E: 2008[edit]

Roger Goodell: With the 69th pick in the NFL draft, the New York Jets select-
Salty Jets fans already expecting a bad pic: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Goodell: I didn't even... that's it. I'm using my commish powers and giving you Vernon Ghoston!