Seattle Seahawks
The Seattle Seahawks are a professional American football team based somewhere in the nether regions of the United States. They are currently members of the Western Division of the National Football Conference (NFC) in the National Football League (NFL). They were relevant at one point in time, but they have since faded away into the depths of obscurity (read mediocrity).
Conception[edit]
One day in the seventies, the NFL decided that it was lacking in teams. Their remedy to the predicament was to create two new teams. Instead of placing these teams in relevant cities, they decided to award the cities of Seattle and Tampa Bay with them. Out of this decision, the Seattle Seahawks and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came into existence in 1976. The cities' people did not care.
Early History[edit]
Due to the citizens' not caring, the Seattle Seahawks were irrelevant for nearly thirty years. The only notable happening in the franchise's early years was Steve Largent, notable for being the only talented white wide receiver post-civil rights movement. He has since entered the Hall of Fame, and provides white people hope to this day.
Their one successful year[edit]
The Seattle Seahawks were finally significant in 2005, and made their first Super Bowl appearance. They won thirteen games, set the record for most points scored in a single season, and set a team record by hiring their first walrus at head coach. Their key players were running back Shaun Alexander, and a bald guy at quarterback. Under theirs and the walrus's leadership, they reached Super Bowl XL.
Super Bowl XL[edit]
They faced the combined forces of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the NFL Zebras in Super Bowl XL. Despite the fact that the Seahawks initially won the game, an anomaly brought about by the Zebras led to a Steelers victory. Somehow the aforementioned anomaly provided the Zebras with magical powers, with which they turned a goal-line stand into a Steelers' touchdown. Furthermore, they used their arcane ability to perform a vanishing act on a Seahawks' touchdown. Footage even shows them summoning phantom pass interference calls against the Seahawks. The final score was 21-10 Steelers/Zebras.
Super Bowl XLVIII[edit]
The Seattle Seahawks decided to be significant again in 2013. They faced Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. Peyton had yet another choke, fumbling within just 12 seconds of kickoff. The Seahawks actually won, and it counted in the standings. The NFL Zebras were actually correct for the first time ever (gasp!).
2014 Season[edit]
After the Seahawks gained tons of "fans", they came out in 2014 looking to win the Super Bowl again. They shut down the other offenses en route to a 12-4 record and the #1 seed in the NFC. After beating Carolina in their 1st playoff game, the Fudge Packers came to town. They beat up on the Seahawks, as the Seahawks were shut out at halftime. But, somehow, the Seahawks won. The Packers kicked an onside kick, and it was recovered by Brandon "Butterfingers" Bostick. Butterfingers did his favorite move, which was to fumble the football, setting up a Seahawks win.
Super Bowl XLIX[edit]
The Seahawks faced off against the New England Patriots, who were at the start of a year-long scandal over deflating game footballs. The Seahawks were at the start of their own year-long scandal over being the second best team in the NFL.
The first half was inconclusive and ended tied 14-14. The Seahawks dominated the 3rd quarter, running up the score to 24-14, even after deducting seven points when WR Doug Baldwin mooned the crowd after his touchdown catch. But who knew the Deflatriots would score multiple touchdowns? — and one of them with a Tom Brady pass to Julian Edelman, whose job was not even to receive passes — another case of cheating the NFL did nothing about.
At the end of the game, the Deflatriots led 28-24, but Seattle drove the length of the field. With First and Goal on the 5-yard line and 65 seconds left, victory seemed certain. Even Head Coach Pete Carroll was "jacked and pumped," which is more than can be said for the footballs. The next play advanced the ball to the 1. Now nothing needed to be done except have Russell Wilson hand the ball off to All-Pro running back Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch. No one was more surprised but everyone when he instead tried to pass to Richardo "Are You Still on the Team?" Lockette and got it picked off by Deflatriots' cornerback Malcolm "The Real Beast Mode" Butler.
Though the Deflatriots now had the ball and the lead, they did not have enough territory to even safely take a knee and run out the clock. The Seahawks obliged with some shoving and an Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty. The Super Bowl Most Valuable Player was a fan whose viral video showed him smashing his television.
See also[edit]
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