Cincinnati Reds

The Cincinnati Reds are a team in Pro League Baseball. They started functioning around the time that God had his second child, Kevin James. Therefore, they are considered the first baseball team ever and, as an added bonus, they got to be the first 25 of Jesus' Disciples.

This little creature serves as the team's logo. He is lovingly referred to as Donny Osmond.

History

The Reds were founded by God after a night out on the town with an anonymous woman named Danica Patrick who gave birth to Kevin James. He named Peter Griffin the team's President/CEO. The team went 0-0, with a winning percentage of .000 in it's inaugural season. This can be attributed to a lack of competition available and the non-invention of baseball at the time. The next season, they played their one and only game against the Tuscaloosa Dumbwaiters and won by forfeit after the entire team died in a staged limousine explosion on June 11th, 2007 B.C. Shortly After, the MLB was formed. That season, they went 1-54, with their only win coming against what was then known as the The The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

More History

The only other league this team has ever competed (we think) in, is Pro League Baseball. They were placed in the NL Central Division. This way, they look better because they have zero teams instead of five. They are relegated to playing the Houston Assholes like 4334548594575896547 times a year, while playing the Chicago Cubs slightly less. Of course, nobody gives a shit about the Pirates, who haven't won a game since 1337 AD. They play more games than any other team every year (578957847965667455496), and yet, they still remain well below .500. Will they ever beat the St. Louis Cardinals? The world may never know, as long as Albert Poo-holes is still getting the runs.

Current Roster

Pitchers

• 33. José Cuervo
• 30. Travis 2x4
• 20. Homer Bailey
• 35. Chuck Norris
• 01. John Cena
• 79. Oscar Wilde
• -2. Cuba Gooding Jr.
• 666. Chad Kroeger

This white-trash humanoid is the team's star player at 3 positions: Pitcher, Clean-up Hitter, and Designated Douchebag.

Batters

• 21. Spenard Dan
• 3. Ken Crippyboy Jr.
• 44. Adam Git-R-Dunn
• 01.John Cena
• 30. Mister Rogers
• 2. Mounted Singing Sea Bass
• 9000. Vegeta
• 9001. Goku
• 01. John Cena
• 26. Garnier Fructis
• 33. John Elway
• 1T586. Robot Chicken

Manager

Legend has it, that there once was an old man by the name of Jesus Franco. He was manager from 1476-1961 and the father of popular ballplayer, Julio Franco. He died at the ripe old age of 485 due to complications associated with hemhorroids. A rabbit chef named Dusty Baker assumed the position recently and the Reds have continued their trek to suckdom. Dusty won't stand for people "clogging up the bases."

Notable Former Players

• Aaron Harangatang
• Ken 60-Day-DL Jr.
• Bizarro Jesus
  
• John Cena
  
• Huckelberry Finn
  
• Kurt Cobain
  
• Oscar Wilde
  
• Roger Clemens, after a rehab start at Class-AA 12-Step
  
• Nuck Chorris
  
• Goku
  
• Buddha
  
• Ron Jeremy's penis
• Frank Edwin Wright II
• William Joseph Legweak
• Alf
  
• Mickey Mouse
  
• Charles Manson
  
• Leon Trotsky (post-exile)
• John Lennon
  
• King James III
  
• Satan
  
• God
  
• Abraham Lincoln
  
• Pete Rose
  

Comments On The Team

Vince McMahon 5 minutes before gametime.

“This team sucks, but they pay well.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cincinnati Reds.

“That's what she said!”

~ Me on the previous quote

“WOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO”

~ Some Drunken Idiot on Griffey going yard.

“AHHHHHHH!! AHH!! OHHHHHH FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH!!”

~ Vince McMahon on John Cena (during pre-game warmups)

See Also

• John Cena
  
• Ron Jeremy
  
• Oscar Wilde
  
• Pro League Baseball
  
• Tampa Bay Devil Rays
  
• Peter Griffin