Charlotte Bobcats
| WNBA Debut: 2004 | |||
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| City | Charlotte, NC | ||
| Team colors | Unknown, due to constantly changing every year | ||
| Head Coach | Some guy who gets fired every year | ||
| Owner | Michael Jordan | ||
| D-League Affiliate | Themselves | ||
| NBA Championships | None | ||
| D-League Championships | None | ||
| WNBA Championships | None | ||
The Charlotte Lolcats are currently a WNBA team, and were formerly an NBA team. However, due to annual poor performance and lack of merchandise and tickets sold, the franchise was demoted to a league where it would garner more attention. The team is owned by former Washington Wizards star Michael Jordan, and the city of Charlotte put trust into the same man who led the Wizards to a 37-win season in 2001-02. Jordan's great business decisions, which include drafting franchise cornerstone Adam Morrison, can be attributed to the reason why Jordan is renowned for being the "greatest [executive] of all time".
The Pre-WNBA Years[edit]
In 2004, the city of Charlotte, North Carolina was quite irate that their own Charlotte Hornets left the prestigious sports city, in hopes to achieve success in New Orleans. Riots broke out throughout Charlotte over the fact that the Hornets preferred playing in the bayou with hillbillies rather than a moderately-sized city filled with hillbillies. The riots were soon broken up by Charlotte's police force, led by a man named Bob Bobbers. Bobbers' iconic speech came moments after breaking up the chaos, as he declared to "restore the sanity of Charlotte" by convincing NBA Commissioner David Stern to add another team to his league. Stern giggled at Bobbers' command, but realized that the NBA would still make a profit off of an expansion team, so he accepted.
After receiving a green light to operate a basketball organization, Bob Bobbers decided to name the team after his pet cat's name and his name combined. The result was the Charlotte Bobcats ("Bob" being the name of his cat and "Cat" being Bobbers' real name), which was rated fourth-last on ESPN's "Worst Professional Sports Team Nicknames" list, preceding the New Orleans Pelicans, Cleveland Browns, and Los Angeles Clippers, all which are incidentally terrible franchises.
(A Failed Attempt at) Building a Team[edit]
Bob Bobbers and his Bobcats were given the second pick in the NBA draft, an event that Bobbers analyzed greatly. Based on his analysis, the goal on draft day is to select the player with the longest name. His luck was great, as an American center named Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor was still available at the second pick. However, that was their only selection in the draft, which resulted in each team donating their worst player to the Charity Bobcats.
For some odd reason, the Bobcats did not finish 0-82 in their inaugural year, and actually set franchise records for wins, totaling up a whopping eighteen victories. Many bandwagon fans decided to travel to Charlotte, because the team's future looked bright by not finishing in last place immediately. During the next summer, the draft occurred, where the governor of North Carolina convinced Bob Bobbers that players from the University of North Carolina would have promising NBA careers.
The next season, Charlotte tied with the Atlanta Hawks for last place, but actually won a couple of games. Bobbers, who had a passion for scrapbooking and writing, decided to publish The Official Charlotte Bobcat Dictionary and was privileged to add the word "losing-streak" to the book, after the team blew thirteen in a row.
The Michael Jordan Era[edit]
As the team failed to reach the playoffs or win thirty games two years in a row, fans wanted a change, and caused founder Bob Bobbers to be fired. Former Washington Wizard Michael Jordan announced that he would like help the team out, which contributed to excitement throughout all of Charlotte. Jordan felt that there would be too much pressure on him playing in a great sports city, so he decided to promote himself to owner. His ownership skills were faced with a tough test on draft day: who to select with the third pick. A perplexed Jordan couldn't decide whether to select Rajon Rondo, Rudy Gay, or Adam Morrison, but his verdict came down to which players' jersey the fans would wear. Obviously, Gay was not an ideal choice, which left the selection down to Rondo and Morrison. Jordan stated on the day of the occasion, "Morrison is a somewhat common last name, opposed to Rondo. I have a somewhat common last name. This guy is the next me." Without further ado, a caveman-looking man was roaming the stage on Draft Day wearing a Bobcats uniform.
Jordan nailed this pick, selecting a player that would eventually become a two-time champion in his NBA career.
Adam Morrison "Takes" Over[edit]
Morrison's college career ended in disappointment by sobbing on the court after blowing a game with a minute left in March Madness. He seemed promising at the very beginning of his career, promising on a commercial that "when [he would] get to the NBA, more people will cry." He lived up to his claim, by making the entire Bobcats franchise uncontrollably sob at how screwed the franchise was. Even Michael Jordan shed a tear, his first one since having to play for the Washington Wizards. Morrison's first game was one of his greatest highlights of his Bobcats career and his first triple-double in the NBA, totaling up 14 points, 12 beards grown, and 38 sunburns. Under the leadership of Adam Morrison, the Bobcats failed to make the playoffs and lost all of their fans.
Fortunately for Charlotte, Morrison missed the entire next season for "mullet-growing" reasons. The Bobcats still weren't good enough to make the playoffs without him for two more seasons. Jordan threatened to quit the team and go back to baseball, but then realized what happened the last time he did that.
Actually Above Mediocre?[edit]
Jordan spent years adjusting his team, adding players such as the Lollipop Guild's all-time leading scorer Earl Boykins and Boris Diaw, who once ate a whole yoga mat in a professional eating competition. The team also lost Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor, but was easily replaced by DeSagana N'gagne Diop. This season actually looked promising to fans, but unfortunately, there were no fans left to cheer them on. In February 2010, the Charlotte Bobcats made NBA history by becoming the 30th different team to have a player selected to the All-Star game after Gerald Wallace was selected. The Bobcats are also the one, and only team to have one all-star in team history.
Wallace led the Bobcats to their first and only winning season, with a record of 44-38, which isn't that impressive considering they play in the Leastern Conference. The rest of the NBA wanted the Bobcats eliminated immediately, as Boston Celtics power forward Kevin Garnett stated, "We don't play little sisters of the poor in the NBA." The Orlando Magic followed the NBA's orders and swept the Bobcats in the first-round series, 4-0. The Bobcats never saw the playoffs again.
WNBA Demotion[edit]
The Bobcats gave away Gerald Wallace, and found a valid replacement: Eduardo Alonso Nájera Pérez. After claiming to "not want bandwagon fans", Michael Jordan did everything he could to make the team suck again, and he did. He even added Stephen Jackson, a UFC fighter famous for beating up drunk Pistons fans in 2004. Jackson led the team in points per game and arrests that year, which allowed the Bobcats to fail to miss the playoffs.
Before the 2011-12 season, the NBA experienced a lockout, which is basically a situation when prima donnas such as LeBron James and Dwight Howard gripe about their paychecks. This would greatly benefit the Bobcats, as the lockout prevented the team from losing seventy games. The team went 7-59, led by long-name player Bismack Biyombo Sumba. Michael Jordan even acquired Kwame Brown prior to the 66-game season, who he realized was very successful as a Wizard and could contribute greatly to the Bobcats' losses. They were eliminated from playoff contention exactly three months into the season, and set the record for lowest winning percentage in a season with .000, shattering their previous record of .001. They finished the season on a 23-game losing streak, and their fans began wearing bags on not only their heads, but their arms, legs, and chests. After the season, Michael Jordan encouraged the city of Charlotte in a speech by saying, "Don't worry; we can only go up from here." He was dead wrong, and the Bobcats were demoted to the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association), a league where a dunk is witnessed every six years.
The Bobcats became the first team in WNBA history to have a team completely made up of males. In their first season in the WNBA, the Bobcats started 7-5, but responded with a 19-game losing streak. In a 2013 game against the Phoenix Mercury, center Brittney Griner dunked over Bismack Biyombo Sumba and DeSagana N'gagne Diop, and beat them 104-6. Griner became the first women to score over one hundred points on an NBA team in that game. Currently, the Bobcats reside in the dumpster of the WNBA, and are on the verge of being demoted to the WNBA Developmental League.
New Name, Same Crap[edit]
After countless years of pain and suffering, the three only three season ticket holders demanded that the Bobcats needed to become defunct. Michael Jordan, a very intelligent businessman, decided to conquer the situation with the marketing strategy, "If a product sucks, change its name." Lacking creativity, the name chosen was the Charlotte Hornets, a name given to the franchise because New Orleans had no use for it. Yes, New Orleans (reminder that these are professional basketball players) went on to name their team the Pelicans.
The revived Hornets announced their colors would be teal and purple, a color scheme that died when the new millennium hit. Not even hipsters dare to wear those colors, and they'll wear anything that's considered unpopular.
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