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May 1: National Whoopy-Doo It's May Day, Oy Oy Oy! Men Hot unz tsebrojn dem Tujes Day (Israel)

  • Beginning of Time - May is invented, as a 61-day-long April is deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
  • 984 - Æthelred II, ever unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
  • 1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully lick Norway's butt hole. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today IS a good day to die.
  • 1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
  • 1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together. (pictured)
  • 1886 - Several syndicalists are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off.
  • 1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
  • 1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Walt Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
  • 1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the coach cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
  • 1999 - SpongeBob SquarePants emerges from the deep recesses of Hell and delivers the message of Satan around the world, putting them under Satan's spell and possessing the Earth.
  • 2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
  • 2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
  • 2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George runs away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeds to spank them both.
  • 2011 - Bin Laden officially loses his hide and seek game.
  • 2012 - Dogs are deemed "unfit for purpose" by God Inc. They are replaced by alligators.
  • 2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own... Ah shit!

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Buddha Pacman Thumb.jpg

May 2: Leper Kissing Day (Romania), Piss Off Your Boss Day (Moldova)

  • 483 BCE - Gautama Buddha dies, having finally achieved his lifetime best score on Pac-man, only to have his score be beaten one minute later by God.
  • 20 CE - Jesus kisses his first leper.
  • 1390 - Chaucer invents the toaster, or 'ttowfftirre' in the English of his time.
  • 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded Maypoles.
  • 1856 - Carbon-dating shows that fire was actually invented by Google.
  • 1876 - Behind schedule, the April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria.
  • 1923 - The first test-flight of the jumbo jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
  • 1936 - God declares linear progression of time 'boring' and bans it. Confusing nonsense ensues.
  • 1942 - Mick Jagger is born and immediately finds he can't get no satisfaction, oh no no.
  • 1985 - Leg warmers are officially registered 'unfashionable' by United Nations.
  • 1986 - Coke debuts its 'New Coke', in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
  • 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following the trade embargo imposed by the Council for Fresh Air.
  • 2011 - Osama bin Laden is caught by Chuck Norris and sodomized to death. He is disappointed to find 72 Trekkies waiting for him.

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May 3: World Fungal Infection Awareness Day

  • 22 CE - Athlete's foot is first discovered by Romans leaving their bathhouses. It is found to be easily killed by other more horrible things by just returning to the bathhouse.
  • 987 - Beowulf discovers that Grendel's mom is a bitch.
  • 1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica.
  • 1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superceded by the Atkins Diet.
  • 1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his silver swimming badge.
  • 1815 - Neapolitan War: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt.
  • 1841 - US President William Henry Harrison dies of a fungal infection and is succeeded by John Tyler, a large fungus.
  • 1963 - Hundreds of thousands die in global mime protests, Mimes assume totalitarian control, only to have it crushed 3 weeks later by Vin Diesel dressed as a clown. Clowns would continue to hold power for many years.
  • 1987 - Robert Palmer develops an unhealthy addiction to love which will eventually prove terminal 17 years later.
  • 1992 - A long-lost ship, the RMS Titanic, is found un-sunken in Jamaica.
  • 2001 - The United States loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after ordering Burger King instead of McDonald's for lunch.
  • 2078 - David Beckham's chocolate flavored pants are washed up on a Mexican beach. It immediately contracts Swine Flu.
  • 2134 - Angry ticks fire out of my nipples.

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Jedi will dance with just about anyone.

May 4: Jedi New Year

  • 321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally does.
  • 1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
  • 1594 - Dwarf hunting is declared illegal in France when the Jew and Huguenot season is extended.
  • 1904 - The USA begins its first efforts to curb illegal immigration with the groundbreaking of the Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
  • 1905 - Weebles wobble.
  • 1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
  • 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
  • 1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
  • 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
  • 1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduces his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
  • 1966 - Robin Cook is appointed as Chief Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
  • 1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
  • 1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The director will be fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take-all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
  • 2004 - The first annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention is held; millions attend.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth enjoys the Kentuckistan Derby and buys a beer bong. She will later crowd surf the mosh pit in the infield.

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¡Por Mexico y tortas!

May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

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No pants day.jpeg

May 6: No Pants Day (observed)

  • 39 CE - Roman Emperor Caligula decrees No Pants Day with no one to wear pants under penalty of death. Only his horse Artax is allowed an exemption.
  • 1186 - The art of making pants is lost in the West. Thousands die even on days that are just moderately breezy.
  • 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Renaissance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
  • 1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles to be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
  • 1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranates makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
  • 1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
  • 1911 - Pharmacists invent eye bleach just in time for this year's No Pants Day.
  • 1935 - Lawrence of Arabia endeavors to jump his motorcycle over the duck pond at Buckingham Palace. He is killed in the attempt due to an accident with a scarf dropped by Isadora Duncan.
  • 1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also passes the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
  • 2010 - The general election is held in the UK. Everyone loses.
  • 2012 - American Seymour Butts becomes the first man to cross the Atlantic in a badonkadonk.

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May 7: International Daintiness Day (pictured)

  • 1274 - In France, the Second Council of Lion ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2, Lions 37.
  • 1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most are content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
  • 1824 - Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony debuts in Austria, performed by a mute ensemble, to a deaf audience, and orchestrated by a conductor with no arms.
  • 1902 - The Wright Brothers and Dudley Do-Right set out to prove that 3 rights make a left.
  • 1920 - The Treaty of Moscow is signed, in which Soviet Russia agrees not to invade the nation of Georgia. It is broken six months later, when Soviet forces capture Atlanta.
  • 1961 - Feminine ultra-spy Mrs. J is sent to Cairo, Egypt by the higher-ups at MI-5. She finds proof that Britain is meddling with Egypt and informs her superiors, only to be jailed. She then escapes by disguising herself as a basilisk but is wounded by a thrown enchanted marshmallow. After being rescued and brought back to health by penguins, a grateful Mrs. J dedicates her life to being a penguin nanny.
  • 1967 - Pope Paul VI designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. FABULOUS!
  • 1968 - USA weather: Summer of Love is forecasted with a 50% chance for civil unrest.
  • 1969 - The first man on the Moon does it in his pants the wrong way.
  • 2010 - The General Election result is realized in the UK. Suicide rates increase 10%.

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May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

  • 1359 - Pantaloons are invented. Could shoes with pointy tips be far behind?
  • 1865 - The first nomination of Popeye the Sailorman for sainthood is turned down by the Vatican. (pictured)
  • 1914 - Errors in year length calculations results in three months of 1913 being lived through all over again.
  • 1919 - Warren G. Harding moistens a finger before he fingers a page.
  • 1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe. France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
  • 1952 - DDT is recommended as the next no-calorie sweetener.
  • 1960 - Billy Graham Crusade catastrophe: "Go into the fields, Ruth; the rapers shall not molest you."
  • 1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip/gold exchange rate is endorsed by the American government.
  • 1989 - Bay City Rollers: we're still mad for plaid!
  • 2007 - An upsurge in dad jokes causes hundreds of Millennial fatalities from head desks.
  • 2012 - Lightsaber invented. An overwhelming influx of nerd-gasms cause suicide rates to triple worldwide, as auto-erotic asphyxiation takes on a new form.
  • 2042 - The golem device is invented to instantly cure over-sexiness.

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May 9: Weird Types of Bear Appreciation Day (Australia: Drop Bear, China: Panda bear, Canada: Bipolar bear)

  • 1337 - Wolverine is born, slashing his way out of his mother's womb. He was fine.
  • 1429 - Joan of Arc entertains the English troops with a medley of show-songs from Bedknobs & Broomsticks.
  • 1431 - Joan of Arc entertains more English troops with another medley of songs, this time from "Deadknobs and Burning-sticks" as she is set alight.
  • 1497 - Vasco da Gama perfects the eye-watering fart. He is then exiled as far away as possible and manages to reach India.
  • 1627 - An edict is passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling. (pictured)
  • 1671 - Pope Clement X is killed by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
  • 1700 - Mr. T pities another fool. His work would never be done.
  • 1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a witticist's apprentice in a local humor emporium.
  • 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
  • 1941 - SS chief Heinrich Himmler orders the arrest and deportation to concentration camps of all homosexuals in Germany. The German Army, once the most fashionable in the world, soon find themselves poorly groomed and wearing fatigues that clash with their boots.
  • 1982 - Wikipedia destroys the Andromeda Galaxy. The destruction has not been seen yet due to the slowness of light speed.
  • 1991 - Small, Medium, and Large complain to the United Nations, that Extra Large is abusing its position. The UN introduce sanctions, however these are withdrawn when it becomes known that size does not matter.
  • 2008 - John Prescott admits to his bulimia being fraudulent after being caught on a 72-hour Pizza Hut binge.
  • 2030 - Waldo is found.

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Monkey smoke.jpg

May 10: Smoking Monkey Day (Kenya), Happy Super Good Fun Smiley Day (Japan), Step-Mothers-in-Law Day (USA)

  • 1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the scooter.
  • 1512 - The Male German Eruct Choir is founded by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero.
  • 1865 - American Civil War: latest score 23-47, Confederates on 4th and 10, no time outs remaining.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler sends the German Army to vacation in France and Belgium.
  • 1972 - The Day the Earth stood still. Klaatu barada... nikwich? Uh-oh.
  • 1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidently squashed by a hippo.
  • 1985 - Live Aid Concerts are announced; starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
  • 1994 - Eclipse of the Sun is caused by Pamela Anderson over most of Norway.
  • 1998 - The German band Scooter returns the favor by dedicating How Much Is the Fish? to Amerigo Vespucci.
  • 2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale are spotted in IKEA. They are seen arguing over whether storage units are worth it and will fit in the car.
  • 2005 - Live 8 Concerts announced; Bush and Blair promise this time things will be different.
  • 2006 - National Step-Mothers-in-Law Day in the USA is organised by TAMIR, The Association for Most Ignored Relatives. They later set up National Younger Half-Brother Day, and National Grandfather's-21-Year-Old-Girlfriend Day.
  • 2006 - Africa is officially on a diet – it's not hunger. See, pop stars have saved the world!!
  • 2008 - James Madison rises from the dead to reclaim his throne as the greatest person ever.
  • 2037 - Young MC turns 70. Irony threatens Earth's existence.

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May 11: Printer Calibration Jubilee (Cupertino, California)

  • 85879 BCE - Yo momma became the first human to be fully evolved, or intelligently designed (whichever you prefer).
  • 479 BCE - Recto-Lube: The Brand You Love is founded in ancient Greece.
  • 1865 - Abraham Lincoln's corpse starts to stink really badly.
  • 1956 - Gold Coast, a country in Africa, decides that they are Ghana, and become independent.
  • 1983 - Scientists announce vaccine to protect against Pac-Man Fever.
  • 1988 - In the dark, all cats are gray. Or you need a new printer cartridge.
  • 1991 - AOL launches its internets service, charging US$1 per week. Take up is slow, as the majority ofmankind had already guessed they are a hideous fraud.
  • 1995 - The death of a generation. Countless people die.
  • 1996 - Fox News goes on the air. Its first broadcast is a big production number of the Communist anthem The Internationale as they show how close the democrats are to the socialist party.
  • 2000 - Al Gore loses Survivor after the Supreme Court intervenes.
  • 2002 - Al Gore invents Internet.
  • 2008 - James Madison eats George Bush for breakfast, then promptly uses his spidey powers to escape.

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Mood Ring Thumb.jpg

May 12: Barry Manilow Appreciation Day, International Zombie Awareness Day (US, Canada)

  • 1854 - Outbreak of zombie attacks, causes many deceased voters to form their own party. There was no beer and many people died.
  • 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
  • 1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
  • 1943 - Barry Manilow is born. He will become a feral child raised by a biker gang.
  • 1973 - Manilow forms KISS but leaves due to creative differences and makeup allergies.
  • 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide. (pictured)
  • 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12-year-old child in London and sold for 3 baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship cassette tape.
  • 1987 - The Book of the Dead is set to music by Barry Manilow; more mood rings commit suicide.
  • 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
  • 2004 - The zombie of Walter Cronkite rises from the ground to report on the Alabama Tri-County Kitten Pageant.
  • 2009 - The late great Dr. Emmett Brown travels back in time to warn America of the future communist dick-tater El Presidente "Bha-rock Obomb-ba" or as we know him as, Presidenture Barack Obama. No one listens to him and our fate has been sealed.
  • 2011 - Zompocalypse. Only the nerds were prepared as hordes of Bieber Fans zombies take over the meat factories.
  • 2012 - Star Wars Kid rolls an 8. Zombies die (for real this time).

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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)

  • 28Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
  • 29The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is much rejoicing.
  • 402Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
  • 932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.
  • 1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1776America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
  • 1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
  • 1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
  • 1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1973Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1992Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2003Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
  • 2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2005 – The god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
  • 2008Dave Chappelle sues the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the aliens'. There is much rejoicing.
  • Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.

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May 14: Sky's the Limit Day, Fat Guys in Spandex Festival San Francisco, California USA.

  • 468 BCE - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
  • 49 BCE - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
  • 1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
  • 1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched. It will take a dozen Druids to keep it in orbit.
  • 1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my goddamned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
  • 1981 - Demise of the International Dark-Sky Association.
  • 2005 - Skynet is founded by Marlon Brando, utilizing power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
  • 2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
  • 2007 - Bill Gates hits puberty.
  • 2009 - Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, declares free money for all.
  • 2010 - Puberty sues Bill Gates for 'unbelievable infliction of emotional distress and disgusting zits'; asks $500 billion.
  • 2012 - Marlon Brando's remains explode, with debris landing as far away as Johannesburg, South Africa.
  • 2014 - The Moon sues Bill Gates because doing nothing but orbiting the earth constantly for billions of years is well and truly boring. It seeks all money on Earth or a PC to play on while orbiting.
  • 2525 - I lost my keys again :(
  • 2990 - Lost keys are located in Howard Beach at the social club of an Italian "Gentleman of Honor" who prefers to remain anonymous.

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Jeden, dwa, trzy...

May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa, patron saint of Polka

  • 815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola, is discovered by Henry Cavendish. It proves to be stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
  • 1265 - Crispin Glover is knighted. He leads a crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
  • 1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
  • 1512 - The first Running of the Bulls held in Ciudad Viento, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway is trampled in his ringside seat.
  • 1852 - The former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
  • 1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
  • 1944 - German General von Allzenheimer tells a Soviet army to "please fuck off".
  • 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate over forming that organization. They decide to do it later.
  • 1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking about criticizing the Society.
  • 2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
  • 2006 - Several former members of the International Society of Procrastinators are found still loitering in the hallway of the convention center where they thought the formation meeting was scheduled in 1998. They showed up in 2002 and couldn't decide if they should leave.
  • 2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
  • 2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
  • 3045 - Scientists discover LeBron James's frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.

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Reclining roo.jpg

May 16: Independence Day (New South Wales)

  • A long, long time ago - The tyrannic reign of intergalactic emperor Palpatine came to an end in a galaxy far, far away.
  • 1204 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley".
  • 1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a Stately Homo.
  • 1605 - Pope Paul V becomes President of the United States of Canada.
  • 1770 - 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year old Mr. Potato-Head who later becomes king of Ireland. Two years later, the Potato Famine begins, as the new king refuses to allow people to grow and eat his cousins.
  • 1866 - Monica Lewinski invents root beer.
  • 1910 - The U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the next week.
  • 2007 - President George W. Bush dies after choking on his mispronunciation of the word "nuclear".
  • 2008 - The Queen of England is declared emo by James Madison in his new book, The Queen and I. Sales soar through the roof. Later that day, with a tear running down her face, the Queen runs a straightblade across her wrist, telling herself that "It's just a phase."
  • 3004 - The government finally decides to assist Hurricane Katrina victims, despite the fact that the actual event occured a thousand years ago.

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alt text

May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog (Mongolia only)

  • 0 - First Ninja Pirate born. He is easily confused with Jesus and ends up killing said Jesus and takes his place. He is worshipped in Christianity.
  • 616 - Pope Eggs Benedict IV declares that Spain does not exist.
  • 927 - The fucking Vikings do something really nasty, they create Norway.
  • 1805 - Muhammed Ali becomes Waali of Egypt after knocking out rival Charlotte Brontë in the 8th round.
  • 1849 - Millard Fillmore wins the Kentucky Derby with jockey Franklin Pierce in the irons.
  • 1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play.
  • 1975 - The year 1975 is misplaced in history.
  • 1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I.
  • 1927 - Everybody gets depressed, repressed or undressed.
  • 1930 - First person ever born on this date is born on this date.
  • 1935 - Prozac is invented, entering the market under the auspicious title World War II.
  • 1982 - Pope John Paul II readmits Spain to existence, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry. The Anti-Pope George Ringo is not amused.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan weeps publicly, after being called a 'nosey meddler' by Nicaraguans. Sandinistas lead GLOBAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTION resulting with complete annihilation of life. God reported to be 'alcoholic and whore-mongering'.
  • 1993 - First use of the word LOL in recorded history.
  • 2008 - With all the success of his book, James Madison takes a relaxing vacation in Purgatory, where there was much rejoicing!
  • 2012 - The word LOL is finally added to the Oxford Dictionary, despite numerous protests from people such as Stephen Fry.

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May 18: Eat Your Meat Day (India)

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...and if you think this is a shitty planet, just wait 'til you see Mars 3...

May 19: Do What You Were Supposed to Do on May 18th Day (procrastinators)

  • A long, long time ago - Jedi Purge Day.
  • 3141 BCE - The world is invented, no one notices.
  • pi - Someone decides that really long numbers are cool but hard to write down.
  • 1743 - Jean-Pierre Christin invents the centigrade scale so scientists can tell exactly how badly they burn their dinners.
  • 1861 - Nellie Melba is born. She would go on to invent peaches and toast.
  • 1911 - Parks Canada is created so that there will be plenty of parking spaces for moose in the country.
  • 1922 - The United States quota on immigration is repealed after Congress unanimously votes to force everyone on Earth to live in the United States.
  • 1971 - The Soviet Union's space program releases Mars 2, the sequel to the hit Planet Mars. Due to budget cutbacks, Mars 2 has four holes in its center, and appears to be two dimensional. (pictured)
  • 1997 - Chunnel declares civil war, dividing into North Chunnel and South Chunnel.
  • 1999 - Jar Jar Binks's lead role in the movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace earns him much popularity, mostly in KKK circles. George Lucas continues to be the most popular person to be hanged in effigy.
  • 2005 - Attempting to stay in business, the free encyclopedia Wikipedia sells advertisements using a bizarre method: for one hundred dollars, you can have every noun in any one sentence replaced with your product's name permanently.
  • 2005 - Attempting to parody Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia sells Pepsi-Colas using a bizarre formula: for one hundred Pepsi-Colas, Pepsi-Cola can have every Pepsi-Cola in any one Pepsi-Cola replaced with your Pepsi-Cola's Pepsi-Cola permanently.
  • 2019 - Uncyclopedia suddenly doesn't suck.

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The Virgin Mary with a Virgin Mary

May 20: Have a Vision of the Virgin Mary Day (South America and Spain), Bacon Appreciation Day (America)

  • 200 - Bacon is invented in Turkey.
  • 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
  • 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
  • 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
  • 1874 - Pope Pius IX sees the Virgin Mary on a strip of delicious bacon.
  • 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
  • 1932 - Popeye is introduced to extra virgin Olive Oyl.
  • 1971 - Responding to the Soviet Union's announcement of the day before the BBC start legal proceedings for copyright violation, claiming Mars 2 is just a cheap knock off of Button Moon.
  • 1988 - Night Court is cancelled. The suicide rate for shut-ins triples overnight.
  • 1995 - Some guy finally translates De Bello Gallico.
  • 1999 - Sophia Capicola directs the The Virgin Suicides to the delight of spaced out club kids everywhere.
  • 2004 - McCaulay Caulkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
  • 2007 - Illegal aliens crossing the US/Mexico border see the Virgin Mary in the Bush Administration's new 10000 volt border fence.

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Viva la revolution my ass!

May 21: Appreciation Day Appreciation Day (America)

  • 1453 - Hundred Years' War finally ends. France win after a penalty shoot-out.
  • 1587 - The Puritans sit down with the Native Americans and appreciate the hospitality. The Native Americans do not appreciate the smallpox.
  • 1874 - Husbands in New York appreciate New York's one and only Your Husband's Penis Appreciation Day.
  • 1905 - The Japanese fleet destroys the Russian fleet in the Battle of Tsushima. Japanese sailors appreciate the target practice and Russian sailors appreciate the floating debris on which to cling.
  • 1937 - The first Volkswagen rolls off the assembly line. Germans appreciate how easy the cars are to push every time it rains and stalls out the engine.
  • 1956 - Patrick Batemen beats his own record for number of prostitutes killed in one night (36).
  • 1987 - German Mathias Rust flies his private plane unchallenged from Finland to Moscow's Red Square. He appreciates the sloppiness of Russia's air defenses for not shooting him down as well as the passable food in prison.
  • 1991 - President George H.W. Bush declares May 21st Appreciation Day Appreciation Day, making it the first day of appreciation to appreciate itself.
  • 2004 - Che Guevara rises from the dead only to see his image as the label of capitalist corporation. His brain catches on fire.
  • 2011 - God doesn't rain Hell on Earth.

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May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

  • 10000 BCE - First May 22 recorded by Che Guevara.
  • 1888 - Start your own Reich day, in Germany.
  • 1936 - Joseph Stalin enters tie-dye phase. It lasts one day.
  • 1976 - Death toll from an accident at yesterday's Annual Fart Lighting Festival in Natchez, Mississippi rises to 103.
  • 1984 - (10:00 am) Soviet Forces invade Colorado, US lets them because nobody cares about Colorado.
  • 1984 - (10:05 am) Soviet Forces return Colorado to American control and retreats after realizing there's nothing in Colorado. Again nobody cares.
  • 1999 - First AOL CD sent back in time.
  • 2001 - Clustered bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience; first thing they see is Gigli, commit suicide.
  • 2007 - Emeril Lagasse gives up on cooking, decides to become demolition expert.
  • 2011 - Life continues as if it didn't just end the day before.
  • 2034 - Walt Disney utters antisemitic remark in his grave.
  • 3026 - Che Guevara finds the All Spark and brags to all the Decepticons. The Decepticons later shred him.

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This stoat is about to be molested.

May 23: Stoat Molesting Night

  • 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time.
  • 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
  • 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
  • 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
  • 1834 - The Force puts a DO NOT DISTURB sign on her door.
  • 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little. He then releases Rite of Spring: The Next Generation and The Rite of Spring III: Hello Kitty's Zombie Awakening on Ice to underwhelming acclaim.
  • 1976 - Syracuse, New York begins the annual Punch an Old Person Festival. It results in 128,693 fatalities.
  • 1985 - The Force is disturbed by its obnoxious roommate at 3 a.m. The Force becomes pissed.
  • 2000 - B.O. level in Otakon reaches intolerable levels, government issues airstrikes.
  • 2001 - TimeWarner merges with Canadian Canned WormsTM.
  • 2002 - Canadian Canned WormsTM TimeWarner buys Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Ask Hal 9000 created.

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The fact that Roseanne participated this year accounts for the huge fire.

May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day

  • 12,000 BCE - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
  • 10,000 BCE - Blue-eyed bitch is saved by mastodons and or mammoths really who cares it was a terrible movie. oh yeah , there was a sabertooth tiger!!!!1
  • 274 BCE - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin. It doesn't take long before a new search is started.
  • 137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
  • 1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
  • 1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
  • 1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is cancelled.
  • 1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
  • 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
  • 2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is mysteriously murdered by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle," replies rapper R Kelly.
  • 2005 - AOL frisbees become popular.
  • 2006 - 400th birthday of the pelvic thrust. Show us how it's done!
  • 2008 - Due to the hatred of people who watch Grey's Anatomy instead of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
  • 2010 - The Cleveland Show is a huge success and Family Guy is canceled.
  • 2014 - Tom Cruise loses all hope of being a legendary hero and returns to his home world.
  • 2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States, the first good decision ever made by a president.

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May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

  • In the beginning - God creates Mojo from leftover positrons and dark matter.
  • A long time ago - God creates Funk, and he sees that it is gooo-ooood.
  • 2000 BCE - Moses opens the first Piggly Wiggly supermarket with the goal of "bringin' chitterlings to all my peeps!"
  • 402 BCE - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
  • 14 BCE - Leeroy Jenkins declares, "At least I still have chicken."
  • 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
  • 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what is billed as the Spat in the Flat.
  • 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
  • 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
  • 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world is postponed once again due to rain.
  • 1980 - Towels are rediscovered just as hyenas take over the French government.
  • 1982 - Pac Man Fever kills 20 million Americans in just a few weeks.
  • 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potato from the top spot for a few weeks.
  • 2002 - Mutant Goombie children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials are blamed.
  • 2003 - In the first smart move made ever by a government, governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
  • 2007 - Jerry Springer is attacked by trailer park midgets.

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May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

  • 1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing. Commuters on the A202 complain about the roundabout trip in strongly worded letters to the Times.
  • 1958 - Yamahachi 'Iron Shavings' Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
  • 1963 - Unicorns wearing pants on their heads as a disguise are discovered in Portugal, coincidentally by people wearing pants on their heads.
  • 1963 - Unicorns become extinct in Portugal.
  • 1973 - Let's Not Celebrate This Day Festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
  • 1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. Alaska follows suit in 1983.
  • 1980 - Spain declares war on Pope Eggs Benedict IV for previous remarks.
  • 1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England. Prince Philip is so devastated he fails to make a smartass remark.
  • 1982 - Boy George is deposed in a violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
  • 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
  • 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
  • 2002 - Mars Odyssey spacecraft finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
  • 2003 - The first Masked Avenger is found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Lawsuits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
  • 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of Whip It ! that ranks #22 on Billboard magazine.
  • 2011 - Somebody uses the word 'bacon' in a sentence.

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May 27: National Homicide Day

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Lint lots of it.jpg

May 28: International Celebration of Belly Button Lint

  • A Long Time Ago - Satan was born without a belly button but with lint.
  • 1515 - Marco Polo discovers belly button lint during his travel to China.
  • 1516 - Marco Polo returns to Italy with several tons of belly button lint.
  • 1590 - Doubts arise about the true origins of Marco Polo's belly button lint.
  • 1781 - Hip Hop is forbidden by Pope B.J. IV. The prohibition lasts until 1998; its ending triggers the renaissance of hip hop.
  • 1854 - Pasteur discovers a method to identify belly button lint, but he is murdered by Marco Polo heirs who want to keep their monopoly.
  • 1855 - Angry Pasteur followers march to Italy seeking for revenge, ravaging the city, raving mad.
  • 1953 - Dupont synthesizes belly button lint for the first time; product sales go sky high.
  • 1979 - The first sighting of an extremely rare belly button lint & tumbleweed crossbreed is sighted by an old man in a ghost town. He falls asleep shortly after.
  • 1984 - Belly button lint damages Space Shuttle controls, leaving the ship marooned in space.
  • 2004 - Iraq acknowledges having huge amounts of belly button lint hidden in secret silos.
  • 2005 - China sues Italy for reparations for belly button lint allegedly plundered by "imperialist capitalist pig dogs" in the Middle Ages. Italian courts deny all knowledge of these so-called "Middle Ages."
  • 2005 - Transformers land on Earth, dance to Weird Al Yankovic and introduce the phrase "Bah Weep Graaagnah Wheep Ni Ni Bong" to Americans, and leave later that day to make way for Akira.
  • 2026 - IB Maths students rebel, take over the world and ban the use of numbers in digit form in order to save the lives of future students.
  • 2027 - IB Maths rebels are awarded Nobel Peace Prize for saving the lives of countless IB students.

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May 29: Sodium Pentothol Day

  • 1789 - Thomas Jefferson creates No Anniversary Day, in order to let people rest from anniversaries at least one day in the year.
  • 1790 - Several people across the country try to celebrate the second No Anniversary Day and are executed for stupidity.
  • 1791 - Third No Anniversary Day. Nothing happens.
  • 1804 - On the 13th anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes text describing the day. He then writes, 'WTF happened to Sodium Penthathol Day?!?,' resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently kill themselves.
  • 1829 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling, estranged brother of Doctor Who wonders why people in the 18th Century were unable to spell 'sodium pentothal' and then completely frogets... fargets... fergets... errr... hwo to splel himselth. There is a large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, with 28 people injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade spontaneously combusts.
  • 1859 - Emperor Norton is dubbed Emperor of The United States of America and Protector of Mexico after making quick work of his obsessive fans at the final Nortoncon.
  • 1989 - Iceland bans all applesauce causing a riot that is still going on to this day.
  • 2005 - A long lost disciple of Doctor What, Lord of All Spelling, discovers he can alter all the spelling mistakes he wants on this site, realising a childhood dream. Yay.
  • 2010 - The WNBA declare their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill. They find wearing burkas interfere with slam dunks.
  • 2016 - CIA admits using sodium pentothol after spilling a large bottle in its headquarters. However, there is no reaction outside or elsewhere as everyone else has become immune from its widespread use.

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Kim Jong Il winning in a major upset.

May 30: Memorial Day (United States), Lod's Massacre Appreciation Day (Puerto Rico)

  • 1421 – Jerome of Prague is burned at the stake for heresy and so kicks off the Memorial Day barbecue tradition.
  • 1431 – National hero of France Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France, after being convicted of wizardy for being able to produce milk from her breasts.
  • 1539 – Hernando de Soto discovers Florida while its natives discover Hernando de Soto. He manages to stay out of arrow range thus avoiding the traditional Florida greeting still used today.
  • 1831 – James Boyd patents the rubber fire hose not realizing that fires are made of fire and not rubber.
  • 1898 – Thomas Edison invents sand so people will have something to sit on during the US holiday.
  • 1941 – The first Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition (pictured) held in Rome.
  • 1967 – Wilbur Wright's ghost manifests itself in the body of an otter.
  • 1984Big Brother watches you after starring in an Apple commercial.
  • 1995 – Congress changes the holiday name to Meme Morial Day. Everyone is off somewhere for the day and doesn't notice.
  • 1999 – The website Unicyclopedia about everything unicycles is launched. It would eventually morph into the famous humor site Wikipedia.
  • 2002 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing. Readers are advised to move their lips while reading and nod their heads after every sentence to compensate.
  • 2003 – Memes about dead people flood the internet. Deceased Facebook members heartily approve.
  • 2004 – It is a slow day for Uncyclopedia editing so pet iguanas are allowed to take the controls for the day. Readership jumps 300% as intelligibility is increased.
  • 2013God recreates Earth, starting with Uncyclopedia.
  • 2017 – The Indy 500 are convicted in federal court along with ringleader Indiana Jones.

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Mmmm, pornflakes.

May 31: Feast Day of the Rancid Aardvark (Czech Republic); Fast Food and Baseball Appreciation Day (United States); World No Tobacco Day

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