Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/September
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September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts (pictured)
- 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first atheist, killing God after being told that Santa isn't real.
- 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
- 1982 - Lovers of chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate Related Disease fatalities increase.
- 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
- 1989 - Wendy's begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly deemed to be 'too salty' and discontinued.
- 1990 - The single light bulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
- 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era is played: the England Patriots at the Dubai Colts (attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all American sports teams left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
- 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
- 1995 - You kill a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas, laughing uncontrollably. How dare you.
- 1995 - A midget is stolen from the North Pole and will eventually be raised as an Australian.
- 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five. He is quickly hired as a stock brokerage consultant.
- 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
- 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the study report got used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.
September 2: Me Love You Long Time Day
- c.30,000 BCE - A Cro-Magnon makes the first Asian hooker stereotype joke, giving a Denisovan enough time to sneak up behind him and club him in the head.
- 236 BCE - Vietnamese villagers agree to be invaded by neighboring kingdoms on a regular basis in exchange for the rights to the Village People.
- 944 - Scribes deliberately introduce errors into manuscripts. As a result, the story "We love you, Long Tim" is forever altered.
- 1301 - Marco Polo's descriptions of camels and humps is misinterpreted, with thousands of Italians arranging sex tours on the Silk Road.
- 1856 - Robert Bunsen becomes the most famous pyromaniac of all time.
- 1967 - Horny American soldiers get themselves in trouble in Vietnam when they mis-hear what sounds like "Me love you long time" from waitresses, which is Vietnamese for "Do you want pancakes with that?".
- 1971 - Soldiers returning from Vietnam discover that the "love" continues for a "long time" in the form of nasty tropical STDs.
- 2003 - The full metal jacket becomes standard wear for rock concerts.
- 2004 10:32 PM GMT -- Me start to love you.
- 2004 10:33 PM GMT -- Me stop lovin' you.
- 2004 10:34 PM GMT -- Me say, "OK, maybe I no love long time after all."
- 2005 10:35 AM GMT -- Me say, "I never really loved you to begin with."
- 2008 12:69 PM GMT -- Children's entertainer and all round purple dinosaur, Barney, provoked into fight with a Spanish tortoise on live children's television. Barney's public statement read, "I love you. You love me...Ahh f**k it! That stupid green C**T slept with my wife!". Tortoise Talkative Eric is later charged with being totally freaking awesome, an all round green reptilian.
September 3: International Festival of Frowning at Cows (Saskatchewan)
- c.8500 BCE - God creates domesticated cattle and frowns, as he has just spent many hours at the local Build-a-Bear store trying to make a teddy bear.
- c.4000 BCE - Whales invent sonar but lose the rights when their patent expires.
- 1056 BCE - Theseus manages a half frown when encountering the Minotaur but only after shitting his pants first.
- 447 BCE - The word "fabulous" is invented by Plato.
- 15 BCE - Roman poet Ovid writes "A smile is frown turned upside down" and is immediately struck by a thunderbolt thrown by Zeus.
- 65 CE - Romans invent the frownie face to use as scarecrows but find it is off-putting to cows.
- 998 - England's King Æthelred II frowns when he sees cows wandering loose in the north. It is not until several advisors speak up and inform him that they are actually Vikings that he decides to do something. And that is to find a castle in the south to hide in.
- 1189 - Richard the Lionheart is crowned King of England at Westminster, followed by a successful reign consisting chiefly of lazing in the sun and ridding the British Isles of zebras.
- 1445 - The happy face is rediscovered after being lost for hundreds of years, making cows happy, too. Yet, its only user would be Leonardo da Vinci for the next 500 years.
- 1783 - The American Revolutionary War comes to an end with the Treaty of Paris. While America wins, it concedes that Britain is still better than France.
- 1893 - Bank robbers hijack a Ferris wheel and use it to escape from police.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler embarks on his global tour, performing to a sold-out crowd in Warsaw.
- 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
- 1978 - Americans throw their disused Chia Pets and pet rocks into the back corner of a closet along with their notions of what democracy is supposed to be.
- 2005 - Bob sits down for dinner and frowns at his overcooked steak.
September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day
- 30 CE - The Original Artists release their album 20/20: The 20 Greatest Hits from the 20's.
- 1427 - Katie Price is formed by sending an electric current through plastic. This is generally seen to be a lousy idea.
- 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels his newspaper subscription after being spoofed on April Fool's Day and finding out that beheading people with a rubber spatula is really, really hard.
- 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out Cpl. Radar O'Reilly's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
- 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom loses weight. This because she loses 11 stone (154 lbs.) of ugly fat when you move out.
- 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut, is sued by the Memphis Board of Surgeons for practising medicine without a licence.
- 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives. Ironically, he was on his way to a clinic to be euthanized.
- 1983 - Michael Jackson nearly dies of food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts.
- 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
- 1994 - Another Ace of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process will take 15 years to complete.
- 1996 - Pop star Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
- 1997 - Prince successfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises 'performance anxiety'. Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
- 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
- 2006 - Steve Irwin is killed by a stingray that was drink driving. Police say it is an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
- 2050 - Australians finally stop referring to Steve Irwin as a great bloke/battler/fighter/true Aussie and generally agree he was a bit stupid.
September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)
- 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
- 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
- 1917 - Rufus Thomas is born, promptly dances his diaper off.
- 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD, gets down but not funky.
- 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the Funky Chicken from hens at a local farm.
- 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
- 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance. They are described as being poultry in motion.
- 1992 - A vacationing group of retirees are attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
- 2006 - The First Annual International Day to Talk Like an 80's Metal Singer is celebrated in Henton, Illinois. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
- 2007 - In a bid to improve the aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples. Wikia admins heartily approve, but chickens are confused.
September 6: Let's Enjoy a Glass of Blue Lemonade Day
- 394 CE - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his sanctified Blue Lemonade.
- 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany because it seemed to be what to do because of the King thing.
- 1976 - The lemon becomes extinct.
- 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes extremely popular, replacing lit petrol as the beverage of choice.
- 1982 - Blue Lemonade is found to cause cancer in blue rats.
- 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does, in actual fact, cause tuberculosis and not cancer.
- 1999 - Study attributes large penis size in black men to intake of Blue Lemonade. Blue lemonade sales increase 300%.
- 2000 - Study determined to be only a sales tactic as black men only consume orange drink.
- 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual property rights over Blue Lemonade. Third World Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business.
- 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade.
- 2006 - The infamous flying horse Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft of Blue Lemonade from Hoffman and arson.
- 9785 - Blue Lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past in the form of an insane baby. No-one listens.
September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany, Britain, America, Spain, Japan)
- 10,000 BCE - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, the first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
- 355 CE - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper dies. No more usurping from that guy.
- 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire, South Dakota.
- 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, where pastries are dropped on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
- 1945 - Winston Churchill takes his first holiday after victory in Europe, snow boarding in Palestine.
- 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
- 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants; finds more than he expected.
- 1992 - Princess Anne is released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
- 1996 - Tupac is assassinated by that punkass, Biggie Fats. Country music fans rejoice.
- 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
- 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Michael Jackson's bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
- 2015 - US invades itself claiming the existence of weapons of mass destruction.
September 8: International Precision Day
- Sometime - Someone invents like counting or something.
- 4200 BCE - Climate control is invented when someone leans against a wall and creates the first window.
- 1 CE - 2:05:32 PM: Counting is invented by a female human named Digits Counting, 1.745 meters tall, after 4 hours, 8 minutes and 16 seconds of thinking about the problem of shortening sales reports.
- 70 - 6:12:55 AM - 11:03:44 PM Roman legions under the command of Titus sack Jerusalem.
- 653 - The VCR is invented; for what reason we do not know but it's usually something to do with porn.
- 959 - Astronomer Chen Wu calculates the exact point of impact of a meteorite he had observed just minutes earlier. In his excitement, he fails to run like hell from where he is standing and the calculation method is lost, as is Chen.
- 1930 - 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape, which sells better than Scotch transparent crayon.
- 1939 - Thinking it was done by children, horrified Belgian and French mothers clean off Scotch transparent crayon marks used to disguise border defenses. The German army easily overcomes defensive systems, particularly when they find minefields neatly swept clean with brooms.
- 1962 - Segregation is repealed. Discrimination comes into vogue.
- 1986 -
PluralsPlural banned in the Netherland (formerly known as the Netherlands). - 1999 - NASA calculates the crucial orbital height of the $125 million Mars Orbiter to the 10th decimal place. Unfortunately, they forget to convert English measurements to metric and the spacecraft orbits itself right into the Martian dirt. Liberia and Myanmar, the only other countries using the English measurement system, sympathize, while the rest of the world has a good laugh.
- 2002 - Dark clouds of quaggas hang ominously over Belgium.
- 2014 - The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is declared illegal in 3 countries exactly at the same time.
September 9: Day of the Truffles Triffids a.k.a. The Strongest Day
- 9 CE - Cirno is born.
- 1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
- 1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
- 1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
- 1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy. Again.
- 1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that? Not as much as the birth of Clinton Fisk.
- 1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, glass saucer, and a glass eye.
- 1850 - California is admitted into the USA, admittedly.
- 1944 - Bulgaria is
occupiedliberated by Soviet troops. - 1962 - Triffids land in Cornwall. Their penchant for BDSM quickly earns them elevation to the peerage as they eat their way through Wales and the West Country.
- 1967 - The spork is invented. Clueless types starve by the thousands trying to use it as a knife.
- 1971 - Triffids help to elect a giant gherkin as prime minister; it will stand over and oversee London forever.
- 1976 - Mao Tse Tung passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
- 1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.
- 2009 - Being 9/9/09, Upside-Down Satan appears, only to shortly die of spinal injuries.
- 2999 - Cirno reaches full power to become the strongest of all gensokyo. Not even Suika, the underage drinking oni, can beat her.
September 10: Kumquat Kicking Festival (Pakistan), International Hypocrisy Day
- Time Before Time - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, NASCAR becomes marginally interesting.
- 541 BCE - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy.
- 540 BCE - Hypocrisy is condemned as immoral by Hypocrites.
- 30 CE - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
- 1092 - Tap dancing is invented.
- 1093 - The ground opens up under the inventor of tap dancing who is then dragged down to Hell.
- 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually, he has some fruit and Cuban cigars.
- 1897 - Lattimer Massacre: a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
- 1913 - The first fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opens in the USA.
- 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; the German army takes the afternoon off.
- 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
- 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
- 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
- 2008 - The Large Hadron Collider is switched on and nothing happens. Swiss scientists decide to cut their losses and turn it into a badass thrill ride.
- 2009 - The Office of the White House announces a low-altitude American Airlines 767 fly-over for 9/11 8th year memorial services at ground zero in New York City, on September 11. The flight is officially named AA Flight 175 in honor of the brave civilians who didn't know any better that morning. The plane is to be supplied with full complement of fuel as a safety precaution, and will fly over Shanksville, PA, and the Pentagon. Five 20 to 30-year-old Arabs will take part in flight as show of peace to the Middle Eastern nations. These proud five men will be given boxcutters and a fake bomb in order for the US Air Force to simulate realistic crisis scenarios. Flight 175 "Resurrected," as it has been dubbed by President Obama, will have a pig in the cockpit, for security reasons.
- 2012 - The Large Hadron Collider Thrill Ride turns into a supermassive black hole and turns the Earth into something the size of a small pea.
September 11: International Worst Inventions Ever Day
- 13,800,000,000 BCE Universe invented. Previous universe wiped out due to Large Hadron Collider collision.
- 3000 BCE - Egyptians invent papyrus. Moments later, the paper cut is invented. Still some moments later, some pretty expressive swear words are invented.
- 33 CE - Judas invents the noose while just hanging around.
- 100 CE - Romans invent the wedgie to torment Christians.
- 911 - Nostradamus, having predicted 9/11, invents the telephone number 911.
- 1753 - An Oxford University student invents the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
- 1883 - The Worst Invention of the Year is a tossup between Islamic Fundamentalism (Middle East) and Christian Fundamentalism (United States).
- 1934 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky invents the helicopter ejection seat.
- 1939 - Inspired by an awful experience at summer camp, Hitler invents his own franchise of camps.
- 1945 - Morning After Pill not yet invented; George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush invent George W.
- 1961 - Hair scientists invent the mullet (pictured). The nesting bird population increases dramatically.
- 1968 - The internet is developed, sporting six-pack abs and huge rockets and not an ounce of fat. However, 30 years later...
- 1972 - Construction of the Trans-Amazonian Highway is completed. Lesbian Amazonians are slightly miffed.
- 1981 - Road rage is invented when the Trans-Amazonian Highway is extended through your cubicle.
- 2001 - An aircraft magnet is accidently turned on in the Pentagon.
- 2001 - Osama Bin Laden invents the world's first airplane/building hybrid
- 2002 - Emo movement is saddened but remains vaguely hopeful when it is invented.
- 2002 - The White House invents WMD.
- 2006 - An antigovernment father spends the day without turning on TV or radio, insisting that he doesn't want to hear about what happened five years ago, but in truth, hasn't paid the electricity bill.
September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day
- 14,000 BCE - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
- 490 BCE - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
- 22 CE - Museum of Ancient Geese opens.
- 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
- 1683 - Battle of Vienna: several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
- 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
- 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
- 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
- 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful reunion but still attempt to invade each other.
- 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
- 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
- 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
- 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.
September 13: Secondary Bastille Day (France), Dress Like a French Maid Day, New Jewish Year
- 5768 BCE - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke then sets them on fire and extinguishes them via urination.
- 1768 - Mme. Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison, and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme. Bastille. She makes them a cup of tea and then forces them to ice cakes for Louis XVI. She will be fined 2 francs for forced labour and clashing icing color combinations.
- 1787 - Mme. Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand from peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
- 1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
- 1789 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
- 1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a public holiday throughout French-occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
- 1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip while eating cake.
- 1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was one.
- 1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
- 1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
- 1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
- 2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
- 2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
September 14: Struggle Day (Australia), Gřáťúïťõùš Üšę öf Ðîåçřïťíćãľ Mâřkš Ďàý (Everywhere else)
- 1234 - The Duke of Umlaut invents the umlaut, becomes first Düke of Ümlaüt. He is later slain in a duel with Barón vön Accént Márk.
- 1302 - Migrating salmon struggle to fight strong currents until they realize they are supposed to be headed downstream to the ocean.
- 1814 - Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner. He later retitles it The Stär Spänglèd Bäññër to make it more rockin'.
- 1923 - The electric chair becomes popular for executions when it is hooked up to a pinball machine.
- 1930 - Bingo is outlawed for causing fights whenever it is played. Making the cards different solves the problem.
- 1969 - Björk is björn in a lönely fjörd in Nörth Ïceláãnd.
- 1970 - The metal band Blue Öyster Cult is förmed.
- 1975 - The metal band Motörhead förms.
- 1980 - Space aliens land in Tokyo attempting to destroy any umlaut they can find. Umlauts fight back, assisted by Gamera.
- 1983 - The metal bänd Gřåťüïťöüs Díåçřïtíćäľ Mäřk forms.
- 1985 - Hâägén-Dáãzs introduces their latest flavor: Döúblé Chérrÿ Crémë dé Chöcølãté Súprëmé. Prìntïng øf thè cartøns crëates hôles ïn thë pàckaging for some rëason, cäusing the contènts tö lëäk.
- 2004 - ä přêśćhööl têäćhěř is sůêd før têłľing a fäiry täłê tø hêr ćläss. Ťhé fäther øf ønê øf ťhé kids säid thát bý têłľíňg fäiřy tälêš, šhě wäs ůńdêrmińińg thêir äthêistic møräl välúês óf løgić äńd rêäśøn.
- 2005 - The metäl band Thîs Rûňńîñg Jøkê ïs Wêäríñg Öút îtš Wëlcømê forms.
- 2007 - Some guy has a bit of a struggle. He suddenly remembers his pants are done up with buttons instead of a zipper.
September 15: World Lame Excuse Day
- A long time ago - God creates the Earth: "At the time, it seemed like a good idea."
- 201 million years BCE - The Triassic-Jurassic extinction event occurs, killing most every animal except dinosaurs. While scientists argue about the cause, everyone else knows damn well it was due to dinosaurs playing with matches.
- c.45,000 BCE - The first ironic use of "Oopsie" is uttered by a Homo sapiens as he drops a rock on a Neanderthal.
- 1403 - Timur the Lame regrets killing millions, explaining that nobody ever taught him about self-control.
- 1804 - Aaron Burr kills Alexander Hamilton in a duel and causes an uproar: "I didn't know the gun was loaded."
- 1883 - Krakatoa volcano explodes massively, killing many thousands. Odin categorically asserts, "It didn't happen on my shift."
- 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
- 1973 - When Francisco Franco's handpicked successor Admiral Carrero Blanco is assassinated, The Family Circle's Billy is arrested. When questioned, he insists it's "Not me."
- 1976 - David Berkowitz, aka Son of Sam, goes on a killing spree. He blames his dog Sam who orders him to do so. It is found that his cat Chauncy is a ventriloquist and is the one really responsible.
- 1989 - Billy Joel says that he didn't start the fire and takes a ridiculous amount of time to explain.
- 2003 - US-led forces leave Iraq in ruins with no recovery plan. George W. Bush states "We found it like that."
- 2015 - Disneycorp. releases Star Wars: The Force Awakens basically with the same plot repeated from earlier Star Wars movies: "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."
September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day
- 1897 - Scrooge McDuck invents the Scots accent during a rousing game of hopscotch.
- 1903 - While investigating the breakdown of a prototype airplane engine, Orville Wright exclaims "Mah bairns! Mah poor bairns."
- 1912 - When urged by Captain Edward Smith to increase engine power to avoid an iceberg, the head engineer of the RMS Titanic replies, "I've giv'n her all she's got, Cap'n, an' I cannah give her no more!!"
- 1962 - After John F. Kennedy says "I am a doughnut" in German instead of "I am a Berliner", the mayor of West Berlin whispers to him, "Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that?".
- 1970 - While preparing for reentry after their journey back to Earth, Astronaut Jack Swigert informs mission pilot Jim Lovell that "the energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps."
- 1972 - After hilltopping and getting into general mayhem in Hazzard County with the General Lee, Uncle Jesse warns the Duke boys, "She won't take much more of this!!"
- 1988 - Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev defeats President Ronald Reagan in a game of Pac-Man. Tension brews between the two nations as a result. Henry Kissinger notes, "Tis nothing a little Saurian brandy can't fix".
- 1993 - During the O. J. Simpson trial, Judge Ito declares, "This jury-rigging won't last for long, Cap'n!"
- 1993 - Nick Jonas, the bane of teenage existence, is born.
- 2000 - Osama bin Laden tells Saddam Hussein about his plan to hijack planes, to which Hussein responds, "Are ye daft lad?!"
- 2005 - When asked by the United States to return its diplomats to the Six Nation Talks, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il replies, "Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank."
- Star date 12.14.21 - Scotty says "Aye, Cap'n" so many times that he likes the sound of it and starts a mutiny.
September 17: Horny Toad and Human Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day
- 2,000,000 BCE - A primate ancestor to humans steals the first peach, thus inventing the awkward mixing of horniness and disturbing violence.
- 1,000,000 BCE - First human discovers horniness.
- 1787 - Several horny old men sign the Constitution of the Untied Spades of Amerika.
- 1800 - Sigmund Freud hypnotizes Carl Jung into believing he is a French hooker. Unfortunately, she is an expensive one, and Sigmund Freud goes bankrupt.
- 1801 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is Marie Antoinette.
- 1802 - Sigmund Freud exacts his revenge by hypnotizing Carl Jung into thinking he is Princess Leia.
- 1803 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is a Swiss milkmaid who has married him. Nine months later, Freud inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
- 1804 - Jung divorces Freud, and receives the entire estate in the settlement.
- 1900 - The world's 1 trillionth human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
- 1932 - New state
phallic symbolscapitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana. - 1954 - The first drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony.
- 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
- 1993 - Debbie does Dallas, Ohio and New Orleans.
- 2005 - Research shows that Uncyclopedians are more virile than Wikipedians.
- 2006 - Osama bin Laden found in bed in a Motel 6 with a horny goat. The goat moves to Pakistan to escape the press, but bin Laden follows him.
September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God!
- Infinity BCE - God is born.
- 13 trillion BCE - God receives the universe as a birthday present and breaks it six days later.
- 3200 BCE - S'dhkai, a Canaanite, is struck down by lightning when he forgets God's birthday.
- 2500 KFC - Israelites hold a birthday party for God, mistake him for a gold cow.
- 1 CE - God has His first child... with hilarious results!
- 1000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world, but cancels at the last minute.
- 1609 - Gordon Edgeway and George Bennett are fused together in a nuclear fusion reaction; the resulting matter is named Gordon Bennett.
- 1873 - The Panic of 1873 begins.
- 1874 - The Drinking Binge of 1874 begins.
- 1875 - The Mother of All Headaches begins.
- 1997 - National referendum in Wales - an overwhelming majority (87.13%) vote yes on a motion to send out for pizza.
- 1998 - Jenna Jameson beats off stiff competition to take an Oscar for her part in 7-Up.
- 2000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world from Paris, but cancels at the last minute again. Rioting ensues.
- 2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha's bathroom.
September 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day
- 1588 - The Dread Pirate Wesley singlehandedly defeats the entire Spanish Armada in single combat.
- 1778 - The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
- 1796 - George Washington makes his farewell address, saying, "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
- 1957 - First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 km (300 mi) away.
- 1959 - After Nikita Khrushchev is barred from visiting Disneyland, he threatens to keelhaul a man dressed in a Goofy suit.
- 1970 - Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme!
- 1982 - Feared corsair Patch-Eyed Pete posts first recorded instance of an emoticon, P-) to an online bulletin board.
- 1985- First pirate movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
- 1989- Pirate radio goes on the air and is fined for gratuitous use of the words "scalliwag" and "booty".
- 1995 - First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
- 2006 - With the War on Terror becoming increasingly bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush considers shifting focus to a War on Pirates.
- 2006- Patch-Eyed Pete is fined $100,000 for using a pirated emoticon in 1982.
- 2008- Due to the unpopularity of his administration, George W. Bush is forced to walk the plank. The outraged Right Wing Naval Forces (RWNF) stage an attack on the District of Columbia from their base in Wasila, Alaska, resulting in the Battle of Stupid Pirate Catchphrases.
- 2014 - File-sharing site The Pirate Bay is taken down by the ABBA-led Swedish navy but immediately springs up on hundreds of mirror sites. The criminal organization HYDRA sues for theft of concept and for confusing fish.
September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day, Sophia's Birthday, International Talk Like a Landlubber Day
- 20,000,000 BCE Formation of the Amazon rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping virgin jungle.
- 30,000 BCE Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
- 1187 - Saladin begins a siege on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
- 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
- 1815 - First railroad tunnel finishes construction. It is tested by running a train in and out of it repeatedly.
- 1837 - Rugby is invented. It is a game played by burly men with odd-shaped balls.
- 1920 - Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
- 1930 - Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
- 1934 - Sophia Loren born. Assume the Position of Reverence by kneeling and lowering your eyes.
- 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard."
- 1940 - First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
- 1940 - Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
- 1942 - Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
- 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
- 2006 - Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine holds the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the Earth.
- 2006 - President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me".
September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day, International Sweat Like a Rapist Day
- 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
- 1066 - King Harold Godwinson is disgusted to find he has got sweat patches on his favourite armour. As he is changing behind a tree, a stealth agent shoots him in the eye.
- 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
- 1918 - Treaty of Cadbury-Schwepps marks the cessation of violence in the first Cola War.
- 1947 - The Coke plan is set up to aid falling Coca Cola sales in Europe. Pepsi will have none of this, condemning it as cola sales imperialism.
- 1952 - Pepsi introduces the 'So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick' plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
- 1972 - Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos issues Proclamation No. 1081 placing the country under martial law and making Pepsi the official drink of the Phillipines.
- 1978 - Earth, Wind, and Fire remember the 21st night of September. They then proceed to drink Coke.
- 1983 - Ferdinand Marcos directs a confused man to the local garage to purchase Pepsi.
- 1985 - Coca Cola invents Mountain Dew, infringing on Pepsi's trademark, starting Cola War II.
- 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentucky; Chicken Little announces that "the sky is falling!"
- 1987 - Hershey's mediates a treaty between Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, ending Cola War II after much bloodshed in Central American plantations.
- 1992 - Coca Cola creates Dr. Pepper, in a retaliation to Pepsi's root beer creation. The war continues with much hard-earned, rapist-like sweat.
- 1999 - The impending Millennium celebrations force Royal Crown Cola to formulate a strategy to take down its opposition.
- 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming 'Death to the American Capitalist Swine'.
- 2007 - The day Tetris broke. Anti-Bullying Day occurs, the masses dress in pink after Pepto Bismol drips to death; pink unicycle spotted on national television.
- 2009 - Rola Cola assassinates Royal Crown Cola, Coca Cola and Pepsi, in that order. They never stood a chance.
- 2010 - Highly anticipated racing game, Test Drive Unlimited 2, scheduled for release, but is postponed due to turbulent Coca Cola-Pepsi relations.
September 22: Autumnal Unquinox, Annual Shout at the Elderly Day
- 66 CE - Emperor Nero creates the Legion Italica, who wrote in all italics.
- 1465 - Aztec tourists discover autumn in the resort town of Equinox, Vermont, a town named for an Aroostook chief who tended to fall off his horse. The first day of autumn is named after the town.
- 1742 - Instead of the sun, a giant inflatable Wario head rises in the east followed by an encore of Bowser's Castle music for the entire morning. This would be heard and seen all over the globe.
- 1785 - Britain fails to recognise autumn any longer, after realising that "the weather's always crap, every bloody day!"
- 1816 - Autumn is cancelled after the Year Without a Summer.
- 1827 - Some guy invents Mormonism.
- 1867 - New England businessmen and scientists announce they genetically modified trees to change colors in autumn, as part of a plan to lure Southern tourists back North after the Civil War. The plan fails when the first Southern tourists complain about the integration of colored trees with non-colored trees.
- 1960 - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is first published, provoking the law that Best Before Date stickers are to be put on all eggs and ham. This law is later extended to include all perishable food items and Michael Jackson's career.
- 2001 - The Federal Communications Commission places a largely ignored ban on the use of fall as a synonym for autumn, citing complaints by family members of September 11 victims.
- 2004 - The countdown timer in Lost secretly goes below zero and counts down to minus 108, before displaying a picture of the Rosetta Stone and then a large Wikipedia logo. On a completely unrelated note, a plane crashes on the island and the first series of Lost begins.
September 23: Take a Venomous Animal to Work Day, National Australian Pavlova Is Ours Day
- 41 CE - Emus invent the Pavlova. However, millions die from spoiled whipped cream topping and the recipe is lost for centuries.
- 1143 - Pope Innocent II rejoins God after taking his wife to work.
- 1554 - Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Spanish explorer, dies after taking a rattlesnake to work.
- 1774 - Pope Clement XIV (b. 1705) expires after taking a lionfish to work.
- 1949 - Bruce Springsteen is born in the USA; his disappointed parents were hoping for a pony.
- 1972 - The French word "capitulate" is added to the OED (the French themselves have been using the word since 600 BC).
- 1974 - Two whole words, both alike in dignity, "Capulet" and "Montague", are added to the OED.
- 1979 - Olympics held in Wigan for the second time.
- 1986 - Ozzy "Ozzy" Osbourne catches a crazy train. Is late for work.
- 1989 - Songwriter Irving Berlin dies when the platypus he brings to work strikes him with its venomous leg spines.
- 1990 - First "cow catapult" launch observed in controversial computer game "Nuclear War".
- 2002 - Revolution in Webbrowserland leads to crowning of Phoenix I by Mozilla rebels. This ignites the FireFox War, version 1.0.
- 2006 - A homeless man in Australia is beaten senseless by a giant used tampon. Police reports show that the tampon was 'Carefree'.
- 2007 - Rhys Jones is caught in a drive-by on the way to a Used concert. His collapse to the ground causes the biggest earthquake on human record which in turn brings on doomsday.
- 2009 - Australia rejoices as government scientists prove that New Zealand forged the pavlova recipe, meaning that Australians now have another reason to mock their cousins across the Tasman.
September 24: Mudkip Appreciation Day
- 3000 BCE - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "Thert isi thaer no doG!".
- 322 BCE - Isocrates teaches that Mudkip is the key to all understanding. Violent disagreement follows with Aristotle taking his Jigglypuff home in disgust.
- 1336 - Austrian troops invading Switzerland find pots of fondue set out for them along with plastic sporks. Thousand of soldiers die from third-degree burns from stringy melted cheese and melted plastic. Switzerland agrees to limit the use of fondue in the Treaty of Lausanne.
- 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
- 1612 - After a massive invasion of the Netherlands, Spain realizes they already own the place. They redouble their destructive efforts as punishment for the Dutch not telling them this.
- 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
- 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish neighbour.
- 1991 - Jesus is found alive and well in a Manchester crackhouse.
- 1993 - Karl Marx's personal diaries discovered, Marxism apparently is just a wind up to bug the Americans.
- 2003 - George Bush declares war on Legoland.
- 2004 - Thought to be driven to extinction by heavy distribution in a McDonald's giveaway, a surviving colony of Mudkips are found in the Malaysian jungle. The group of scientists discovering them are found dead inside their own Pokéballs.
- 2006 - Michael Jackson sues himself for sexual assault and wins. He celebrates by sexually assaulting himself again.
- 2007 - This is the last day of Adventalo, the gathering of millions of nerds awaiting the coming of the chiefus christ.
- 2008 - War veteran Big Bird commits suicide after receiving hate mail for accidentally sinking China when he flushed the toilet.
- 2009 - All 8 followers of the new-found religion Walmartism are sentenced to death after reports of attacks on rival gang The "Food Lion Elite".
September 25: Pastafarian New Year's Eve
- 10,000 BCE - Alcohol is invented in Ireland.
- 75 BCE - Julius Caesar assembles a small army to punish the prophet Mosey for ransoming him at too low a cost.
- 20 CE - God invents Grues to punish Jews who persecuted Jesus.
- 879 - Vikings find the word "Viking" offensive. They change their names to Berserkers.
- 1833 - A meteor shower destroys Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1936 - The great prophet Barry Foster is killed by an unplugged electric model tram whilst convening a Burns supper; he is subsequently devoured by his guests as part of the main course.
- 1992 - 10 AM - A young Tony Blair meets a one eyed Scotsmen and falls in love.
- 1992 - 1 PM - Tony realizes he's a dick and begins an elaborate 14 year plan to screw him and the country over when he leaves.
- 1999 - Britain's Millenium Dome is voted 'most useable structure' for the new millennium.
- 2007 - London Times ad: Large dome shaped roof for sale, little used, one careless owner – offers invited.
- 2009 - Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' head declared useless dome, sold at auction for $12.53 (US) (€ 9,000,402) for cookie fundraiser for new pool table.
- 2017 - Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron loses landslide to newly formed Conehead Party. Liberal Democrats enter into Liberal Conehead coalition government.
- 2017 - about 2 minutes later. David Cameron and Nick Clegg announce that they will divorce, as Nick "has a new bloke, and he is a Conehead!", a teary Cameron said.
- 2018 - Tony Blair and Gordon Brown announce that they will organize benefit conference for one eyed hot Scotsmen. Action heavily criticized by newly elected Conehead Party/Liberal Democrat coalition government.
- 2020 - Nick Clegg spontaneously explodes during a debate on debating debates. No one in the coalition notices. Clegg is named a master debater.
September 26: Happy Pastafarian New Year!
- 13,775,000,001 BCE - The Flying Spaghetti Monster creates the Universe, then quickly retreats back into his dishy domain until the time is right.
- c.28 million BCE - The Sith break from the Pastafarian Church over the correct use of forks and electricity during meals.
- 75 BC - Julius Caesar finally catches up with the prophet Mosey along the shores of the Mediterranean and crucifies him, along with his closest friends; they then dismantle his ship, the Lasagne, and sell it for scrap, ushering in the start of the Pastafarian calendar.
- 1403 - Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, a merchant from Parma, begins his attempt of translating copies of the sacred texts of Pastafarianism, first given to him by an Arab trader.
- 1708 - Blackbeard is finally killed by the South Carolina militia. He ascends to Heaven on a pirate ship made of bowtie pasta.
- 1796 - Robert Burns convenes his first (and only) Burns supper; he dies in the middle of it and is devoured as part of the pasta course.
- 1837 - Humpty Dumpty converts to Pastafarianism, is tossed off a wall for it.
- 1922 - The Flying Spaghetti Monster curses President Warren G. Harding for being so corrupt; he falls ill and dies over the next year.
- 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to pasta stocks going through the roof.
- 1957 - British television viewers are informed of the dire plight of the Swiss spaghetti crop on the BBC's Panorama.
- 1971 - Flying Spaghetti Monster moves into the Vatican; the rivers run red with pasta sauce.
- 2005 - Bobby Henderson announces his rediscovery of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on this day.
September 27: Being Fooled by Nigerian Scammers Day
- 1932 BC - The Queen of Sheba gives half of King Solomon's vast fortunes to Nigerians posing as lepers.
- 535 - Pope Agapetus I sends half of all Vatican treasures to Nigerian princes in exchange for promises of ivory and tasty monkeys.
- 1822 - Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. It begins, "Dear Sir, I am the cousin of the former finance minister of Nigeria, a Mr. Azikiwe..."
- 1882 - Oscar Wilde is notified that he has been selected to receive £24.9 million from persecuted Nigerian businessman Chief MKO Abiola! All he has to do is telegraph his checking account number!
- 1905 - Albert Einstein publishes the paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?" in Annalen der Physik. This paper describes the relationship between energy and mass according to the equation E=MC2, where E is energy, M represents mass, and C is the number of Nigerian emails circling the internet at any given point.
- 1942 - Adolf Hitler gets scammed out of all of Nazi Germany's tank anti-freeze budget by a Nigerian claiming to need a small sum of money to export his emu stock and giant vast fortunes.
- 1961 - A young child, Davey, saves up his coins in a piggy bank to buy a bicycle. His dog Goliath convinces him to invest his money with him to get the bike sooner. When he finds his dog is just eating the coins, Davey kills him and chops him into bits. Davey then sets up a barbecue stand in front of the house, selling Goliath burgers to neighbors. Did we tell you his last name is McDonald? And that's the rest of the story.
- 2005 - George W. Bush announces a 10,000,000 USD injection into the US economy, after receiving an email from "Dr. Shehu Shagari" who has all this money from some American guy's Nigerian bank account, who died in a plane crash with the rest of his family.
- 2008 - Bernie Madoff takes $55 billion from investors in a Ponzi scheme. He is made the first honorary Nigerian in history.
- 2010 - You go on to Uncyclopedia and check what anniversary it is after you paid a Nigerian $500 because he claimed to know the secret of life and that it was on this website.
- 2043 - You are trying to research the lost Egyptian eggplant known as, 'The Interwebz.'
Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.
September 28: Brick Wall Commemoration Day
- 1102 - The first all-brick room construction is done by an unknown bricklayer who also invents the oubliette at the same time.
- 1200 - Roger Waters places first brick in The Wall.
- 1207 - The first brick wall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues.
- 1698 - Brick is reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Costner decrees that any major milestone of the brick must henceforth occur on September 26.
- 1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall. Masons remain unmoved.
- 1704 - First 'stack of bricks' is discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake.
- 1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in a brick wall for something a lot more stable.
- 1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again.
- 1917 - All in all, Roger Waters puts another fuckin' brick in The Wall.
- 1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims.
- 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof.
- 1989 - The Berlin Wall breaks up after discovering its cover version of Canadian Idiot is not popular in America.
- 1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick.
- 1999 - WLCP's Another Brick in the Eye reaches number 72 in the Billboard Charts.
- 2007 - The first iPhone is bricked, causing Steve Jobs to cackle maniacally.
September 29th: International Talk Like a 12th Century Finnish Cobbler Day
- 4004 BC - Adam and Eve work out that nudity is no longer fashionable. (pictured)
- 2987 BC - The Almighty Creator of the Universe steps away from the podium momentarily, and returns to find his most beloved followers enslaved to cat-worshipping pyramid fetishists.
- 46 CE - Pigs lose their wings, rendering them unclean to Jews whose children always fought over pig wings but never pig drumsticks. Matzoh ball soup would never be the same.
- 906 - Sauerkraut is invented by Germanic tribes. Street vendors will have to wait 200 years before Frankfurt comes up with frankfurters and Wien (Vienna) invents wieners, so they improvise and sell sauerkraut as Christmas tree decorations.
- 1144 - After careful study, it is found all Finnish cobblers talk like Finnish cobblers. Meanwhile, the rest of Finland decides to talk like pirates, leading to war with Russia.
- 1733 - Finnish cobblers are mortified to find they were supposed to be making shoes all these years instead of cobblestones. Manolo Blahnik leads them in the wilderness for 40 days and nights and returns with pointy-toed shoes for all.
- 1960 - Nikita Khrushchev does his best impression of a Finnish cobbler by pounding his shoe on the speaker's podium at the United Nations. A family of rats would later move in, representing the tiny Republic of Togo.
- 1973 - Forrest Gump visits the White House. President Nixon signs a trade agreement with him, thinking Gump is a Finnish dignitary.
- 1990 - The US's YF-22, a supersecret spy plane, does not fly for the first time and certainly not over Russia.
- 1991 - Primitive internet customers experience the first cases of regret after clicking hyperlinks, as images of a man with years of experience behind him circulate.
- 2004 - The asteroid 4179 Toutatis debates with itself about whether the Solar system really needs earth.
September 30: Lol-iday (Italy, formerly), Get in a Drunken Knife Fight Day
- 903 BCE - The Game spins itself into existence and makes you LOSE!
- 1399 - Burt Lancaster deposes Richard Burton to become Henry IV, King of England.
- 1452 - First printed book, the Johann Gutenberg Bible is followed closely by The Girls of Gutenberg Press and The Gutenberg Bible, Lingerie Edition.
- 1677 - Lol-iday is first proclaimed on the planet of Italy by Holy Roman Emperor Palpatine.
- 1679 - The last occurrence of Lol-iday, due to the forced slavery of the Umpalumpanians by Caesar.
- 1813 - Battle of Bárbula: Simón Bolívar defeats Santiago Bobadilla in a drunken knife fight.
- 1924 - The World Snooker Championship is held in New York for the first time. Americans fail to understand the game; the stock market crashes afterward.
- 1925 - Ski-jumping is born in Lithuania. Advocates of downhill skiing and assisted suicide are pleased.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin get caught in a Chinese thumb-trap. They reconsider global strategy and make a pact of non-aggression accordingly.
- 1941 - Adolf and Joe free themselves from the thumb-trap after exactly two years. They decide ass-kicking is in the cards again.
- 1947 - The World Series, featuring the New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, is televised for the first time. Baseball fans who hate both teams discover there is a world of reality outside of sports.
- 1949 - The Berlin Airlift ends after millions of cubic feet of air were successfully transported to Berlin.
- 1955 - James Dean gets drunk, tries to get in a knife fight with oncoming car.
- 1984 - After Earth's transit of Mars, the African Republic of Upper Volta changes its name to Mars Volta.
- 2013 - Charlie Sheen gets in a drunken knife fight with himself, wins.