Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/February
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February 1: International [Insert Holiday Here] Day, Old Meme Flogging Day
- 24398 BCE - First fat kid falls down the first flight of stairs.</nowiki>
- 13455 BCE - Mammoth shaming works all too well, driving them to extinction. Nice going.
- c.2000 BCE - Moses brings the Ten Commandments to his people, but forgets to go back for the tablet that contains Rule 34.
- [Insert a year from 0-43 AD here] - [Insert overdone Jesus joke here]
- [Insert 1337 here] - [Insert tired, pointless noob joke here]
- [Insert date that doesn't follow the given order at all] - [Insert sexual innuendo with [insert name here] and [insert name here] along with an event that defies logic]
- [Insert year here] - [Insert event that takes place in Paris here] - [Insert sentence containing 'Rioting' here]
- 1989 - Cats conspire to take over the internet but are foiled by humanity's deep love of Pr0n.
- 1991 - Richard Simmons overdoes exercise and is mistaken for what would later be known as Slenderman.
- 2006 - James Blunt admits he was fed helium as a child and recommends it to the youth of today
- 20X6 - Correct me if I'm wrong but are you asking me for a challenge?!?!
- [Insert 2101 AD here] - [Insert tired, pointless All Your Base reference here]
- <nowiki>[Insert (absurdly large number times two absurdly large numbers) AD here] - [Insert worn out and over used joke about a clone of your mother and me here].
February 2: Yad Ecnetnes Sdrawkcab Lanoitanretni
- CA 3541 - Emit Tsrif Eht Rof Sdrawkcab Skaeps Yessirrom Nhoj.
- CA 8361 - Dednuof Yad Ecnetnes Sdrawkcab Lanoitanretni.
- CA 0591 - Dedne Yad Ecnetnes Sdrawkcab Lanoitanretni.
- CA 0462 - Dednuofer Yad Ecnetnes Sdrawkcab Lanoitanretni.
- CA 6002 - Detucexe Lyo Evilo Sah Hsub, Noinu Eht Fo Etats Eht Ot Esnopser Ni
- 0202 - Setad fo tuo nekat 'CA'.
- 6X02 - !!Ecued Elbuod
- 1901 - !A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
- 1942 - secnetnes sdrawkcab stnevni tluc txet der
- 2004 - .uhcakiP a otni snrut hsa.
- 2006 !AAAAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA
- 173461 - Niaga - Dedne Yad Ecnetnes Sdrawkcab Lanoitanretni!
- 164374 - serac ydoboN.
February 3: Go Fuck a Groundhog Day
- c.1200 BCE - Groundhogs are worshipped by the Mayans, whereas they are just your chubby little run-of-the-mill pyramid-building rodents from outer space with godlike powers.
- 532 BCE - Groundhogs take in laundry to make ends meet, beginning their own Iron Age.
- 235 - The Moon is invented by rogue cave dwelling ducks from South Africa.
- 947 - Doughnut-worshipping groundhogs change their name to woodchucks to avoid religious persecution.
- 1194 - Saladin I gets it on with Pandhragati Phil, a local groundhog, causing it to snow in Arabia.
- 1806 - The chickens come home to Roost. Residents of Roost get tired of eating eggs very quickly.
- 1903 - Inspired by hearing a story about how Theodore Roosevelt refuses to shoot a bear on the grounds that it was injured and elderly, and besides, "it's no fun if they can't run fast enough to almost make it before I blow their brains out", Morris Michtom and his wife Rose introduce the first teddy bear in America. It would later attempt to assassinate Roosevelt.
- 1942 - Singapore falls. Denmark trips, but says he's all right and gets up again.
- 1992 - Prefix "e-" is invented. Kitten death rate triples.
- 1995 - Bill Murray repeats himself while learning about Uber and Lyft drivers.
- 1996 - Bill Murray humps Andie MacDowell again.
- 2012 - SOPA passes, internet ends.
February 4: International Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day
- 1204 BCE - Romanian peasants weary of their oppressive king, gather and march in a group 100,000 strong on the capitol. They present a list of demands to the king, who comes out of his castle and yells at the crowd. Everyone grumbles and they all go home.
- 220 - Emperor Cao Cao of the Han Dynasty, knowing the end is near, has the imperial chef make him his favorite sandwich.
- 1066 - Celtic warlords, finding the weather too poor to do battle, take a water break.
- 1142 - Starving peasants in medieval Brandenburg continue to starve.
- 1210 - Genghis Khan once again levels a city to the ground and kills all its residents just out of force of habit. This time, he carelessly allows someone's pet gerbil to live. Knowing she is only a gerbil but with a heart full of revenge, she digs a burrow and waits, only to be eaten by a snake later that day.
- 1366 - Cake doughnuts with frosting replace plain ones as a favorite in Austria.
- 1877 - Charles Dickens has constipation, contemplates going to the doctor.
- 1943 - Hitler finds some time out of his day to play with his dog Blondi.
- 1968 - Lyndon B. Johnson drinks some really bad coffee, tells his wife.
- 1977 - Eric Clapton orders a tuna sandwich from the deli but is given egg salad instead, doesn't notice until he gets home.
- 1989 - Gerard Strassner, of Utica, New York, finally starts listening to R.E.M.
- 2004 - Mark Zuckerberg invents the Facebook status, making Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day an everyday holiday.
- 2014 - Space aliens land throughout North America and take control. As this happens at 5 AM, Americans just roll over and go back to sleep, thinking to take care of it later in the day after having their morning coffee.
February 5: I Love American Football Until Baseball Starts Day
- 955 - Scribes create the first baseball cards. The also make the first error card describing St. Barnabas being a second baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
- 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl DCCCXV but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
- 1307 - An enraged King Philip IV of France attacks the Knights Templar after their Manchester United team beats the King's favorite Saint-Étienne 1-0 in overtime.
- 1788 - Peyton Manning secretly ghostwrites one of the Federalist Papers. Sadly, he forgets which one.
- 1839 - General Abner Doubleday pretends to invent baseball. The use of cannons and bayonet charges would be quickly eliminated from the rulebook, but would eagerly be adopted by the world of rugby.
- 1860 - Rugby rules are added to the American game but it is still called football for all the feet flying around, whether still attached to a leg or not.
- 1886 - English plumber Thomas Crapper invents the modern Super Bowl.
- 1898 - American colleges allow female students to attend if they agree to become cheerleaders. The words "bimbo" and "slag" are quickly invented.
- 1903 - Gay males are secretly allowed to attend college as male cheerleaders, since they are the only ones with dance moves that don't make them look like uncoordinated dickheads.
- 1912 - Colleges lower their academic requirements for football players, making any violent criminal not on death row eligible to play.
- 1913 - Colleges raise their academic standards for football players, requiring a minimum measurable amount of brain cells to be eligible.
- 1914 - World War I breaks out but Americans fail to notice as it begins in the middle of baseball season.
- 2002 - Footballs acquire sentience and start dating supermodels, get into fights in clubs and become beloved overpaid and arrogant prima donnas like the players themselves. They secretly take steroids which will not be noticed for years despite the balls growing to 3 ft (about 1 m) long.
- 2012 - Defense is not longer allowed to make for higher scores. With no defensive players, the salary cap becomes less of an issue.
- 4480 BCE - Egypt floods for the 10th time in half as many years causing great destruction. Nihilistic Egyptians do nothing, leaving them in denial.
- 664 BCE - Greek members of the schools of nihilism, skepticism and cynicism are in a violent argument when a earthquake strikes, killing them all. Seeing this, visiting scholars from Germany then create the School of Schadenfreude on the spot, whether they intended to or not.
- 579 - "Yowzah!" would become the popular thing to say throughout the Middle Ages. It would become lost to history until 1922, when it became popular again for about four days.
- 963 - The chirping of early migrating birds irritate nihilists across the world, who do nothing about it.
- 1685 - Charles II of England, like many rich men of his time, chokes on his neck-high stockings and dies of subsequent kidney dysfunction. His death is partially attributed to the fact that instead of calling a doctor, he called to God and possibly ascended to Heaven prematurely.
- 1721 - Bishop Berkeley asks the question: 'If a nihilist falls in the forest and there is no one to hear him, does he make a sound?'
- 1756 - In a remote part of the world, a genius is born. In his head are mathematical formulas and the formation of theories so dense that he, being an infant unable to express himself, bursts into tears. Yet no one bothers with the prodigy, assuming that he is another blood thirsty infant who should be neither seen nor heard. Thus the genius can only sit innocently, waiting for someone to acknowledge him.
- 1868 - Russian nihilists are rounded up and sent to Siberia, but nobody cares. Who's the nihilist now, eh?
- 1937 - The First Worldwide Congress of Existential Nihilism is held in Vienna, Austria. Of course nobody shows up – what did you think?
- 2018 - This last Uncyclopedia anniversary entry remains unfinished because the editor is overcome by sloth, not nihilism, not that he even knows the differe
February 7: National Don't Memorize Your Lines Day
- 33 CE - Jesus memorizes his lines.
- 1756 - Oscar Wilde opens in a play for which he did not memorize his lines. He improvs the whole play, to everyone's amazement. This dialogue became the basis for Wilde's 'The Importance of Being Ernest'. It also lead to the consequent discovery of cheese.
- 1823 - ummmmm... Line!
- 1876 - Steam locomotive forgets its lines, derails, crashes, kills hundreds. Fuckwit.
- 1901 - Sherlock Holmes forgets his "lines".
- 1950 - The... teleprompter... is... invented... for... people... who... do... not... something.
- 1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo is now not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
- 1967 - The Japanese monster movies introduce their most terrifying monster character yet: "Hitler" - a human who attacks other nations without provocation and slaughters millions. His most successful movie, World War II, pits him against another monster, Stalin. Stalin is given eye beams to counter Hitler's flame-breath. In a strange turn of events, Tokyo is not destroyed. Modern science is baffled.
- 1975 - American troops in Vietnam forget their lines. The A team are wrongly accused of this. They promptly escape using a combination of Bill Clinton's cigars, a cabbage launcher and Mr T's pity. The rest is history.
- 1980 - Riverdance is originally performed by Shetland ponies. However, thrown horseshoes kill several audience members so human replacements are used afterwards.
- 1998 - OMEs plan to to declare war on the emos... but they forget their lines.
- 2005 - This is the day the All Mighty Muffin Lord takes over Earth Beta. He conquered the previous ruler because he had his lines memorized.
- 2007 - The All Mighty Muffin Lord forgets his lines and is killed by the Earth Beta version of Peyton Manning (who is, in this timeline, a neo-Nazi overlord).
- 2008 - Don't know what happens today? Well if you'd learned your lines you'd know what this was going to say. Tough shit.
February 8: Worship an Idol Day (Canaan), Weorshcipe an Heathern God Dai ([Eald England])
- 4527 BCE - The Eald Englanders worship Odin, although he has not yet obtained an official God licence (for your own contact 0800-GOD-LICENCE-PLEASE (US only)), as he was licenced under Zeus (0300).
- 1856 BCE - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshipping Baal (then no licence, now under 2110).
- 1020 BCE - Rome built in 23 hours and 58 minutes.
- 407 BCE - The Olmecs pray to their rain god and are rewarded with huge amounts of rain. Unfortunately, their later prayers to the god of swimming lessons are not heard and the civilization is wiped out.
- 33 - Jesus visits 50 people at the same time and laughs about how they try to explain it while watching from his cloud.
- 76 - Roman philosopher Flushibus Maximus publishes his masterpiece, Indoor Plumbing, the Devil Incarnate. Rome is destroyed by typhoid.
- 77 - Romans pray for deliverance from typhoid. Their pleas are answered by the twin goddesses of tripping and falling and the god of lead poisoning.
- 1755 - In Massachusetts, John Kerry and the Antipope offer 20 pounds for scalps of Native American boys and girls, Protestants, and Senate Majority Leaders.
- 1819 - Mary Shelley creates Frankenstein. The beast runs amok and destroys most of the species on Earth. Charles Darwin is inspired by this and together with Richard Dawkins creates the theory of evilution.
- 1925 - Rl'yeh rises from the ocean floor. The Cthulhu Cult rejoices. The rest of the world shits their pants.
- 1926 - Simon Cowell rises from the ocean floor. The Cult of Insincere and Soulless Cover Songs rejoices.
- 2001 - California Adventure establishes its independence from Disneyland, with the aid of terrorists Don al-Duck and Huey Hussein.
- 2008 - Osama bin Laden is elected member of Parliament for Bradford, Leeds (UK).
February 9: International Tourettes Day
- 1012 - Anglo-Saxons tell the Normans to ASSFACE their ASSFACE with a ASSFACE.
- 1066 - In the Battle of Hastings, ASSFACE happens.
- 1222 - ASSFACE.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus begins his first journey across the Atlantic, and gets ASSFACE.
- 1812 - Canada and The United States go to ASSFACE war. Nobody ASSFACE notices.
- 1914 - Throngs of tourists visit the US on this day only to find it is actually ASSFACE Tourettes Day. They ASSFACE stay, because they feel like they are in ASSFACE Paris.
- 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spews out.
- 1965 - Wham-O's Superball is introduced and becomes a runaway hit, because people love to play with balls.
- 2005 - After placing her pen on the table, Keira Knightley was then seen to ASSFACE fall asleep.
- 2006 - Dick Cheney gets on stage with Aerosmith to sing Cheney's Got a Gun. ASSFACE.
- 2008 - Steve ASSFACE Ballmer plans not to FUCKING KILL™ people, but to ASSFACEING KILL™ them instead.
- 2009 - Kanye West is sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME, DOG.
- 2010 - Taylor Swift wins at the VMA's again, except this time when Kanye West tries to bring his drunken ass up, she punches him in the nose, where he then falls on Beyoncé, who is so surprised, she screams. This alerts her bodyguards, who then tackle Kanye West and beat the crap out of him. That night he succumbs to his injuries, and Taylor Swift goes back up to the microphone. "I'm sorry, y'all, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time! Of all time!"
February 10: International Bad Pun Day
- 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland. Panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
- 1105 - Irish Potato Phantom claims responsibility for bitter harvest.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde's new play "Pun" is first performed in London. Critics describe it as a "play on words".
- 1950 - Future French actor Jean Reno is asked whether he wants to go to the toilet. "Oui, Oui" he replies.
- 1951 - Avocado discovers the mol. Scientific community dismisses him when he claims that they are not, in fact, brown and fuzzy.
- 1954 - Inventor of the handshake chokes while ingesting his own creation. Doctors attempted to finger force the patient but couldn't nail the problem in time. He died on the way to the hospital.
- 1973 - Describing his spiritual journey into heavy metal, Jimmy Page admits that he was "led" into it.
- 1975 - Colorado Christian Boarding School-boy Dick Face is insulted for the first time. I would not be his last.
- 1977 - French President Mitterand explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is 'un oeuf'.
- 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
- 1981 - Bono and The Edge agree that they, too, like the Canadian Punk band "U".
- 1996 - "Punny" added to the Oxford dictionary. Subsequent bonfire nearly engulfs America.
- 1997 - During a fight with Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson's British trainer exclaims "What's this 'ere?"
- 2017 - Walmart opens 1st store in Iraq. The only thing that was in its way before was that there was a target on every corner. Walmart stocks spike due to increase in Game department.
- 2018 - Walmart bans sale of firearms at Iraqi stores based on public outcry due to increased violence in Kuwait.
- 2031 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot to death. Police believe the weapon to be a golf gun, because it made a hole in Juan.
- 477 - Lorem Ipsum, dolor sit amet consectetuer adipiscing elit.
- 530 - Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur.
- 844 - Suspendisse commodo magna.
- 917 - Fusce fermentum odio sed libero.
- 1120 - Suspendisse auctor ornare libero.
- 1285 - Phasellus non mauris nec nibh cursus vulputate.
- 1346 - Curabitur fringilla metus sit amet eros.
- 1776 - Rome is invaded by Barbarians, meaning you don't have to learn what this means.
- 1873 - Some idiot decides that you should learn it anyway, and Latin classes are created.
- 1917 - In Russia Sovietica te Latina discet.
- 1920 - "Forma papillarum quam fuit apta premit" is translated for the first time by a 13 year old. Sniggering is invented.
- 1944 - Omesay idiotay illskay ethay astlay idiotay anday ecidesday atthat ouyay ouldshay earnlay Igpay Atlinlay insteaday.
- 1975 - Vae victus!
- 1989 - Carpe abdominum, caveat nauseum, jetsam creamius cornium. Ecch.
- 2006 - Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles.
- 2007 - The Latin-Canadian war ends. Canada is the victor.
- 2008 - Futue te ipsum et caballerum tuum
- 2009 - E Pluribus Unum
February 12: World Write in Graeco-Latin Day (Graeco-Rome)
- 544 BCE - Greek becomes the language of commerce and government in the eastern Mediterranean areas, Latin in the west. Most people in both areas would continue to curse and scream in their native languages. Confused fish in the Aegean Sea would just wing it.
- 310 BCE - Ouidis cognis qui, ma Helle-Romanis di est non iubil.
- 311 BCE - Id qua.
- 299 BCE - Graeco-Latin Squares first appears as a game show in the Mediterranean area, with pairs of famous Greeks and Romans in each square, with contestants attempting to determine if answers given to questions are true or not. Leonhard Euler would later figure out the optimum strategy, spoiling it all.
- 83 BCE - Greeks train a huge army of vicious anteaters to attack Carthage, marching them into the sea to secretly attack the port and shipping. Results are mixed as thousands of dead anteaters block the harbor entrance though survivors sweep Carthage clean of ants.
- 3+3=3 - Rutty, toot, toot, toot'n Graeco-Labrador fiesta!
- 415 - The polymath Hypatia of Alexandria is killed by a mob for asking, "Didn't we just celebrate this holiday yesterday?"
- 444 - "Yo' momma." – Attila the Hun.
- 888 - With no one left, the barbarians invade Rome for the sake of it.
- 1346 - The trireme is abandoned in favor of sailing ships after the song Row, row, row your boat makes its unwanted appearance.
- 1809 - The holy profit of evolutionism, Charles Darwin is born.
- 1898 - Graeco-Roman wrestling is introduced into the Olympics, moved from sofas in darkened parlors and back seats of carriages.
- 2001 - In honor of the invention of Greek fire, Canadians invent Arcade Fire.
- 2012 - Etruscans return from outer space to place flaming bags of poo on archaeologists' doorsteps.
February 13: Simple English for Republicans Day
- 33 CE - A important man that pronounced himself the ruler of all that is happening right now is made dead by people who take your money.
- 1337 - Important king man become king today.
- 1500 - Discovoury of primary colououeurs (oh shite sourry).
- 1801 - Funny quote man say, "I decide to make quote that is dummed down."
- 1939 - Man with mustache want other country. Other country no like it very much.
- 1948 - Nice brown man with glasses killed. Everyone sad because he want peace.
- 1984 - Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter !, and children eveywhere confused.
- 1985 - Mr. Movie Star Man tell bad communist men to be communist no more.
- 1997 - Big Nasty Man make boo-boo with yummy woman. Big Nasty Woman go foo-foo! Yay!
- 2000 - Mr. Smarty Man becomes President and sets example for we like us.
- 2001 - Two building fall down. Everyone sad.
- 2005 - Subway in big city collapse. Everyone still sad.
- 2006 - Very important man shoots other man. Third man sad. We mad. Everyone else glad.
- 2009 - Mr. Black Man go to big white house. Big Nasty Woman follow. We sad. Everyone else glad.
- 2010 - Little man go to space and die. We rejoice! Yay!
- 2015 - Planes crash into every single landmark in the world because it is Friday the 13.
February 14: International Suck Day
- 32 CE - Jesus Christ contracts bad case of crabs from Mary Magdalene.
- 35 CE - New cure for crabs invented that does not involve crucifixion.
- 269 - St. Valentinus is castrated, horsewhipped and disembowelled. 1500 years later, this day is celebrated through romance.
- 1307 - William Tell uses cow hearts for targets and gives them with an arrow through each to various women in Gstaad, Switzerland. They flee in terror and he takes their chocolate.
- 1852 - Ash Ketchum says "I choo choo choose you" to Nurse Joy shortly before his death by being hit by a train.
- 1930 - Elm Farm Ollie becomes the first cow to fly in a fixed-wing aircraft and also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft. She would later barnstorm in her self-built plane and hand out ice cream to children as flying at high altitudes is quite cold.
- 1994 - Canada successfully builds a space shuttle capable of flying back to Earth.
- 2003 - One of the people who is woefully alone proposes an alternative holiday, entitled Go Out With a Loser Who Has Never Had a Date Day. However, no girl will still talk to him.
- 2004 - Not willing to give up, the guy who made the holiday in 2003 decides to make Trek-mance Connection. Now, even nerdy girls still won't talk to him.
- 2005 - Lonely guy starts an Emo band. Bandmates ask him not to name the band. Girls still won't talk to him.
- 2009 - St. Valentinus is reborn and executed for the second time for molesting small farm animals.
- 2010 - St. Valentinus is reincarnated as a charismatic frog and gets away with years of outrageous self-abuse.
February 15: It Just Got Out of Hand Day
- 3235 BCE - Laundry is invented. It would pile up in a forgotten corner until washday is created by the Egyptians.
- 926 - Running with scissors becomes the first extreme sport.
- 1203 - Genghis Khan loses his temper after losing a mud wrestling match; invades China.
- 1655 - Henry Morgan sacks Panama for England after Spanish children steal a novelty codpiece from Oliver Cromwell.
- 1859 - A solar storm causes the Carrington Event, causing everyone to think everyone else's name is Carrington.
- 1862 - Ulysses S. Grant attacks Fort Donelson, Tennessee, in retribution for the early morning theft of Union toilet paper.
- 1925 - Adolf Hitler writes his fiction novel Mein Kampf. It is unfortunately interpreted as non-fiction.
- 1933 - Attempted assassination of President-elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt after a particularly sweaty handshake during the campaign.
- 1989 - The Soviet Union leaves Afghanistan, realising that the whole thing just got out of hand.
- 1997 - Starbucks tries a little too hard to out-do everyone else.
- 2007 - Midget cockpunchers take terrorism to its logical conclusion.
- 2008 - I don't appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation.
- 2012 - Some random Uncyclopedian goes on a sojourn.
February 16: Abolition of Human Rights Day (South Africa), International "That's What She Said!" Day
- 1792 - Frenchmen celebrate new Rights of Man by beheading people they disagree with.
- 1861 - The American Civil War begins with argument over whether black people should be owned and mistreated or just kicked around and mistreated.
- 1917 - The Russian Revolution begins in Soviet Russia.
- 1937 - Wallace H. Carothers receives an enema after realizing that a thick thread of nylon is not a substitute for a dick.
- 1949 - Nineteen Eighty-Four is published. It is a book written to commemorate the upcoming first year of the alienation of human rights.
- 1968 - The endless war ends.
- 1985 - Nineteen Eighty-Four is "unofficially" taken out of circulation. This move was entirely the publisher's choice, and had nothing to do with the government.
- 1989 - Tonka wins contract to supply China with toy tanks to run over protestors.
- 2001 - The endless war is revived under the name "War on Terror".
- 2006 - All human rights cease to be meaningful in the United States as the Republican Party legalizes the hunting of humans. Dick Cheney gets in the first shot.
- 2006 - George W. Bush abolishes human rights in the United States of America. The NSA uncovers the body of George W. Bush Jr. in a mason jar together with some pickles which they then ate.
- 2008 - General Grievous starts smoking menthols; he quickly changes back to reds.
- 2010 - "The War on Terror" is re-named "The War on People Who Look at You Funny"
- 9595 - The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past travels back in time to harass you.
February 17: International Gay, Lesbian, Transexual and Bisexual (GATTACA) Day
- 28 CE - Jesus informs his disciples that he's gay. They all laugh at his little joke and proceed to gangbang Mary Magdalene.
- 29 - Mary Magdalene is found in a dark room with lipstick all over her face, abusing herself in a mirror.
- 903 - Bored scribes copying Bibles would write in passages saying God hated gays. This would not be taken seriously until the 20th century.
- 1798 - Thomas Jefferson receives an anonymous valentine, hoping against hope it is from Alexander Hamilton but suspecting Benjamin Franklin.
- 1931 - Under pressure, restaurants throughout America are forced to remove Gouda cheese from their lettuce, Gouda, bacon and tomato (LGBT) sandwiches, which then become less-interesting BLT sandwiches (shown).
- 1987 - Pedobear attacks the LGBT movement from the pulpit of Westboro Baptist Church, a congregation of bad sign painters with psychiatric medication issues.
- 1999 - Newspaper shipping reports get with the times and change their coverage to fanfic on the internet.
- 2001 - HAL 9000, a homophobic computer, attempts to kill two gay dudes on a spaceship. Hilarity ensues.
- 2004 - People named Gaylord are asked if they have ever watched the television show Gaylords Say No. Most say no.
- 2006 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
- 2009 - Rabbit ears are officially obsolete in America. By law, lagomorphs across the nation must upgrade to sonar.
- 2009 - MP John Prescott is violently molested by a fanatical Pavarotti obsessive.
- 2009 - John Prescott is discovered at the corner of Downing Street in a corset and fish-net tights attempting to whore himself out to passing single parents. He is quickly put back on tranquilisers, ceasing all higher brain functions and allowing normal command of the country to resume.
- 2019 - Denmark is officially recognised as a mistake and erased from history.
- 2040 - All world languages are revoked and replaced with American, a language consisting solely of words with one syllable or less.
- 3010 - The Iraq War is resolved to the satisfaction of all thanks to the complete absence of Iraq.
February 18: Martian Invasion Day
- 1789 - Capybaras decide to part their hair on the right side. For unknown reasons, this enrages Martians.
- 1877 - Astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli is the first to observe canali on Mars, leading to people speculating that there is water in canals and therefore life on Mars. However, we know today Schiaparelli was misinterpreted, actually saying he saw carnivali with large Ferris wheels and roller coasters.
- 1881 - Martians begin to eye Earth while their 35 other eyes keep to the task at hand: Go Fish.
- 1898 - Martians attempt their first invasion of the Earth. They attempt to establish fast-growing Martian red weed but immediately upon planting it is snatched up by humans and smoked. They are also keen on hentai tentacle rape but catch so many STDs that they nearly all die.
- 1932 - The Mars Bar is invented in England and successfully invades the rest of the world, using the name "Mickey Way" in America. Martians are agog, while Adolf Hitler watches and waits.
- 1953 - Martians invade again, this time hiding in a sandpit in the US. They now have new technology, miniaturized mind control devices that are very slowly implanted for dramatic tension. Unfortunately their hulking minions get their zippers caught on anything and everything, even underground. After worrying they might have left the stove on, Martians decide to return home.
- 1977 - Little silver aliens attempt to land in the US but are foiled as their landing spot, a pile of mashed potatoes, proves to be too soft due to too much milk and butter added to the mix.
- 1978 - Invading Martians are driven off again, this time by the repetitive prog rock soundtrack used with news programming and a droning Richard Burton doing voiceover commentary.
- 2000 - Rock finally beats paper but is disqualified on appeal after camera review.
- 2010 - Martians land again but it is only to return the Sojourner and Spirit rover vehicles with parking tickets attached.
February 19: Equation Day (Pieland)
February 20: Twenty/Twenny/7uun3d Dispute Day
- c.1 million BCE - Cavemen learn to count beyond ten, but due to extensive toe injuries only make it to 18.
- c.900,000 BCE - Due to heavy radiation from solar flares, mutant cavemen are able to count well beyond 20.
- 3001 BCE - Egyptian artisans decorating monuments are found to just be a bunch of chiselers.
- 20 BCE - 20 Roman scholars in 20 different cities declare 20 to be the perfect number. Coincidence?
- 793 - A humorous scribe at Lindisfarne Abbey invents leet. Viking raiders cross the seas to kill him specifically.
- 11-twenty - Twenty is the commonly accepted spelling of the word pronounced 20.
- 12-twenny - Twenny is da commonly Xepted spellin of 20.
- 1337 - The use of leet is prohibited on pain of d
- 13-7uun3d - U h4u3 733n 7uun3d!
- 14-20 - People decide to spell
twentytwenny7uun3d20 as '20'. - 15-twenty - 16-twenny - 17-7wn3d: Disputes abowt 20 have been pwn3d by God.
- 2003 - In honour of twenty, the Twenty20 cricket form has been introduced.
- 2020 - Hindsight is scientifically proven to be twenny 7uun3d.
- 7uun3d-f1r57 (3n7ury - 1337 15 7h3 n4710n41 14n9u493 0f 34r7h, 50 '7uun3d' 15 7h3 (0rr3(7 593111n9 0f '20'.
February 21: Killer Bee 10K Run Day
- 2 million BCE - A bird species, later called the African Honey Guide, learns to lead humans to beehives to get them to take all the stinging punishment while robbing a hive. Nearly comatose humans would then leave a portion of honey for the birds. Bees would put up a fight but concede it was better than the old days where a Tyrannosaurus Rex would just eat the whole hive and the tree it was on.
- c.3500 BCE - Egyptians domesticate the wild bee, forcing them to build pyramids and temples. Moses the Bee begins a revolt and leads her hive out of Egypt, leaving Pharoah with nothing to put on his toast.
- 1415 - French knights test armor made of mashed potatoes. No knights survive to make a negative report, so production goes into full swing.
- 1822 - Farley Upham trains bees to make their honey in glass jars, revolutionizing the industry.
- 1903 - The Wright Brothers fly the first bumblebee, after being told it couldn't be done.
- 1922 - The first bee movie is made, Bee Guiled.
- 1942 - Sea bees extend their range throughout the Pacific islands. They are ignored by whales who prefer salty snacks.
- 1957 - A descendent of Moses the Bee leads multiple Africanized bee colonies out of Brazil to the promised land, apparently Saskatchewan, Canada. They mow down hundreds of humans in their path acquiring the "killer bee" (KB) moniker causing dyslexics to flee from Burger King (BK) signs.
- 1960 - The Bee-Jesus is born in Harmony, Australia.
- 1961 - Bees begin making honey in bear-shaped containers, increasing sales many times. Bears then attempt to sell themselves in bee-shaped containers, with tragic results.
- 2010 - Long-distance running becomes popular as more people encounter killer bees.
February 22: International Bonus SPAM Day
- 509 BCE - The first troll, Spamicarus, is caught passing off used pig shoulders as rare cuts of meat to unwilling customers and is thrown into prison. Sadly, this is both the first and last account of such a thing ever happening to a spammer.
- 212 BCE - King Solomon reveals the SEVEN SECRET FOODS your witch doctor doesn't want you to know!!
- 30 CE - Jesus receives a letter from the king: "B UY VI@GRA AND WE W ON'T K!LL YOU--" and tosses it into the river.
- 419 - IMPORTANT BUSNESS OPPURTUNITY PROPOSAL MARIAM ABACHA NIGERIA PLEASE KEEP SECRET REPLY
- 433 - CLAIM YOUR FREE MULE!!
- 1976 - DEAR SIR, MY LATE HUSBAND HAS BEQUEATHED THE SUM OF $4.5MILLION USD...
- 1980 - GET FREE SPAM HERE! ONLY $1x10^100!!
- 1993 - YOU HAVE NEW MESSAGES! WOOHOO!
- 1999 - YOUR EMAIL WON THE UK LOTTERY FOR THE SUM OF 9.9 MILLION POUNDS
- 2001 - HOT PICS AND CHAT - CLICK HERE!!1!
- 2002 - SPAM: SPECIAL EDITION! OVER 900 HOURS OF DELETED SPAM!! !
- 2003 - %RANDOM_SUBJ%
- 2004 - THROW A DUCK AT SADDAM AND WIN - CLICK HEAR!1!!
- 2005 - It's a bull market - check out these Stock gems!!1!!11
- 2006 - NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT!!!!111
- 2008 - Hot girls want you bad CLICK HEAR
- 2009 - CLICK HERE TO GET AN IDEAL BIN - ONLY £5X10^123456797540000000!!!!!!!!
- 2010 - CLIK HERE AND WIN FREEE SPYWARE!!!11!!!!1
- 2018 - Cambridge Analytica gets every scrap of Facebook data to profile all users down to the nuts. All your base are belong to them.
February 23: Day of teh Internets
- 1954 - The Terminator, coming from the future, is destroyed by swamp gas over Tennessee, and its remains land in the Gore family yard. Inspired by this, Al Gore invents the Internet.
- 1966 - First pr0n photo is uploaded to the internet. Back then it is called porn so no one could find it using the only available search engine, the public library.
- 1994 - China connects to the Internet.
- 1994 - Taiwan is disconnected from the Internet.
- 1995 - Spam is created by Satan.
- 1996 - AOL is created by Satan after he needs to dispose of billions of CD-ROMs.
- 1997 - AOL raises its dial-up rates.
- 1999 - Counter-Strike is created, thus marking the beginning of 1337speak and therefore the end of the world. In celebration, AOL raises its dial-up rates.
- 2004 - Maozilla storms Tokyonet, toppling many servers except for AOL's, so AOL raises its rates to its 70 remaining dial-up customers.
- 2008 - Many people start using 'cool' up-to-date social media websites, such as MySpace, Stumbleupon and Bebo.
- 2010 - Al Gore baleets teh last comment. The internet dies and goes to hell.
- 2011 - George Bush gets tired of constant criticism and blows a wiener.
- 2020 - Wiener, Neustadt still hasn't recovered from the blast.
- 2029 - Skynet sends the Terminator back in time to prevent Al Gore from creating the Internet.
February 24: I Don't Care What Day It Is.
- 14 billion years ago - The universe is created. Nobody existed.
- Many millions of years ago - All the dinosaurs died. No other species shed a tear.
- 10000 BCE - The first humans in the world live in peace. Nobody cares.
- 9999 BC - They start fighting. Still, nobody cares.
- 831 BCE - The Greek school of Nihilism is founded. Its members really don't care one way or the other.
- 977 - *Sigh*.
- 1901 - Someone traveled back in time from 2007, but nobody cares, then or now.
- 1983 - The Care Bears appear in their first TV special. They quickly disappear from the public consciousness and nobody cares except for Saddam Hussein.
- 1988 - <insert name here> is born. Nobody cares. Besides, Uncyclopedia gets the date wrong.
- 2000 - A new millennium begins. Nobody gives a monkey's ass, largely because the new millennium actually starts in 2001.
- 2009 - Meeeeh.
- 2009 - Christopher Meloni is snubbed from the Oscar nominees list for his role as the Grand Wizard in Harold and Kumar 2.
- 2014 - Studies find the only people who care are Goths and Furries. They are rounded up and sent to re-education camps.
- 2017 - Bertrand Russell is a cowbell, and is so white that he (in an unruly manner) pwnifys regarding the great cheeseburger with a large fries and a coke, plus a kids meal of Bertrand Russell!
- Never - Everybody yells "Above all!"
February 25: 1337 d4y (133714)
- 1337 - 1337 15 c0mm0n.
- 1337 - Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Albert Einstein are born. The world almost explodes. They say they'd kill me if this is put under 1337.
- 1338 - 1337 mysteriously falls out of usage. Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Albert Einstein are put into cryogenic freeze until the 20th century.
- 1966 - Palestinians informed that they are not the Chosen People. Jews celebrate, only to be told that they, also, are not the Chosen People.
- 1980 - Al Gore creates the year 1980. Tipper Gore introduces teh 4nt1-1337 language.
- 1985 - Bill Gates invents Glass and pwns everyone on his computer.
- 1997 - Space is invented. Finally.
- 2005 - Man finds God then loses him again.
- 2011 - A trouser snake named Sherlock beats IBM super computer Watson in a game of Clue.
- 2012 - George W. Bush replaces Tony Blair as Middle East peace envoy. Sauron is said to be looking forward to talks.
- 2024 - WTFWJDFAKBZOMGLM AOROTFLOLZOMGBBQHAXNOOB13 37KAMSABP11!!111 !!1!1(WHAT THE F **K WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR ZOH MY GOD LAUGHING MY A SS OFF ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUG HING OUT LOUD ZOH MY GOD BA RBECUE HACKS NOOB LEET KOOL-AID MAN SAUSAGE AN D BACON POUTINE11!!111!!1!1) – n00b
- 3137 - 173471041nrnn 1337 4494nrm 4dy.
- 7331 - 5dr4wkc4b 51 7331.
- π - F**k it, no one can read it anyway.
- ... - AFK day.
February 26: Famous Last Words Day
- 2008 BCE - "Phdugy'dufc eibgs'ghib kuikhigihdmvgh's" – Cthulhu, again.
- 480 BCE - "This is an arrow!" – Spartan guy
- 666 - "Pity me." – Satan, on Mr.T
- 777 - "AAA" – AAA
- 1566 - "Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here." – Nostradamus, his only prediction that comes true.
- 1900 - "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go." – Oscar Wilde
- 1900 - "As much as I hate him, Oscar is right. I would not want to change a thing." – Mark Twain
- 1920 - "It can't end like this. Tell them I said something." – Pancho Villa is hit by history's most unfortunately-timed case of writer's block.
- 1939 - "This is absurd ! This is absurd !" – Sigmund Freud, after reading Waiting for Godot 1,111 times.
- 1939 - "No! Mine are more absurd than this crap." – Albert Camus , in reply to Sigmund (MotherF*cker) Freud saying that his works are more absurd.
- 1939 - "Who care about absurdity , Hell are others." – Jean Paul Sartre, in reply to Albert Camus.
- 1939 - "I am dying. Please... bring me a toothpick." – Fred, after reading Waiting for Godot 99,999 times.
- 1939 - "See! This one is more absurd that you two !!" – Jean Paul Sartre , awakening from his grave to get in the last word.
- 1945 - "Peace out, bitches!" – Jozef Goebbels comin' at you live, also from A to the D to the Hizzle's concrete crib, yo.
- 1967 - "I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man." – Che Guevara, where 'only going to kill a man' means that he'll be revived as zombie and sticker-tags.
- 1969 - "This is one small step for HOLY...!" – Neil Armstrong
- 1992 - "..." – John Cage, who confuses the angel of death who thinks this is some kind of extreme performance art.
- 2000 - "Hold my beer. WATCH THIS... " – Unknown, but attributed to hundreds of people appearing on Jackass.
- 2006 - "And this rope is of such shitty quality!" – Saddamn, at the gallows, complaining his ass into his grave.
- 2175 - "I'm dying... so that I'm not going to live anymore." – Captain Obvious
- 2345 - "What's this button do???" – George W. Bush the 7th
- 2456 - "WarniT!" – Jesus Goffer
- The End of Everything - "Sorry for the inconvenience." – God
February 27: Banjo Impressions Day
- 1972 - Diwn diwndiwn, diwn diwn, diwn diwn, diwn diwn
- 1982 - Banjo impressions are banned in Alabama during its Third Five-Year Plan.
- 1985 - Deh de dew dew dew dew dew dew , dew........deh de dew dew dew dew dew dew , dew.
- 1986 - He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he?
- 1994 - Top of the Flops debuts on BBC Two, earning a place at No. 1 which results in a £10 million fine. Madonna is the first Number One Hit with Played Like a Banjo.
- 1998 - Nintendo and Rareware officially release Banjo-Kazooie. A brief fad of impersonating a bear hits America.
- 2006 - Apple's iRon tops the selling charts for the first time.
- 2007 - The Pokémon Olive game is not released.
- 2040 - Intel creates the world's fastest computer processor, "Idiot Inside".
- 2050 - Apple sued for putting Michael Jackson in its iRon ads.
- 2645 - Ting Tong plays ping pong with King Kong in Hong Kong.
- 2846 - Ping-Pong merrily on high...
- 2847 - Your mom plays my banjo... if you know what I mean. Necrophiliac banjo fans get it.
- 3007 - Dr. Zoidberg plays spin the bottle with Dick Cheney's head and wins Bush's best tie, and a badger.
February 28: Honor Your Robot Overlords Day
- 1337 - Using "eleven" or any variant in exclamation breaks are no longer in vogue.
- 1356 - Robots from outer space land during the Battle of Poitiers and cause havoc by trying to mate with French knights.
- 1896 - Squirrels break into a telephone exchange, wreaking havoc by chewing through wires, causing thousands of dollars of damage. Horrified telephones would remember the incident and tell following generations. In the future, any cellphone pictures of a squirrel would be immediately converted into a meme, in revenge.
- 1504 - Leonardo da Vinci builds a robot to paint portraits so he could go back to writing codes. The robot creates the Mona Lisa, painting it on Leonardo's forehead while he sleeps. Unamused, he dismantles the robot but copies the picture onto canvas.
- 1942 - A robot goes to a crossroads at midnight. It sells its CPU to the Devil in exchange for being able to play the 3 chords needed for the blues. Eric Clapton's father witnesses the exchange and returns home to get his kid.
- 1968 - After seeing HAL 9000 in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, millions go home and throw away their electric pencil sharpeners out of fear. Toasters swear revenge.
- 1987 - The movie Robocop is released, making theater floors slick with grease after thousands of robot fans pack every showing.
- 2017 - Tesla car-making robots fire Elon Musk by literally firing him into space aboard a Tesla Model X.
- 2523 - Rosie the robot pays her boyfriend Artie $1, all her savings, to murder George Jetson for being generally obnoxious and cheap. The boyfriend kills George and two witnesses, Elroy and Astro. Everyone opens their newspaper the next day to find, "Artie chokes 3 for a dollar."
February 29: Ken Foree's Birthday (USA), Now Where Did I Leave That Thing? Day, March 2 (Canada) – Canadians believe that we should lose a day on leap years
- 1582 - The 29th of February is invented to piss off kids worldwide who are born on this day, just for the hell of it. Pope Gregory cackles with glee.
- 1818 - February 30 is bombed by Spongebob. Now it doesn't exist anymore.
- 1948 - Ken Foree is born. Fortune-telling zombies panic in the streets.
- 1949 - Canadians decide to mock Americans by reducing the number of days to 364. This leads to the Colin Mochrie-led American-Canadian War.
- 1966 - Al Gore invents the letter "B".
- 1978 - Ken Foree rises to superstardom in Dawn of the Dead at the age of 30 and then realizes he's only 7 years old.
- 1996 - Ken Foree punishes Kenan for forgetting his birthday again.
- 1999 - The Power Rangers get trapped in a large pizza and are eaten by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- 2000 - Ken Foree's Birthday is declared a national holiday; the uproar caused by this forces Kenan and Kel into cancellation.
- 2004 - George W. Bush postpones the next Febuary 29th until 2008; France goes on strike.
- 2006 - President Kerry realizes a) that he did not win the election, and b) that today is actually March 1.
- 2008 - George W. Bush postpones the next Febuary 29th until 2012.
- 2008 - Uncyclopedia celebrates its first leap year. Awww, and I remember when it was just a little tyke in diapers...
- 2012 - Pee-Wee Herman celebrates his 10th birthday.
- 2017 - President Hillary Clinton travels to Canada and can't figure out what day it is... and to make it worse, it's NOT a leap year!!! But it is only a bad dream by President Trump who proceeds to outlaw wet dreams about Democrats and signs laws making Canada illegal.