Roller coaster

The proposed design for the Hull, Massachusetts (pop. 11,500) inner-city roller coaster rail system.

By pure definition, a roller coaster is anything that may seem rebellious or appear dangerous when in fact, it's perfectly safe for family fun as long as you're over the height of 48 inches. Using this definition, it can be determined that Linkin Park is the typical example of a roller coaster.

Society's definition of the roller coaster is that it is a form of mass-transit system for small- and medium-sized cities. In principle, it is similar to a bus or monorail, in that passengers pay a small fee to board and be transported elsewhere. With roller coasters, however, passengers are also sent through double-backwards corkscrews, 85-degree death drops, underground tunnel plunges, and triple-twistback loops, often at speeds of over 100 miles an hour and with G-forces approaching space shuttle launch (or crash) levels. Many cities are reconsidering the installation of coasters, due to the number of heart attacks, pregnant woman injuries, and scalding-hot-coffee-spill disfigurations, but they're just pussing out.

Roller coasters are also located in theme parks like Disneyland, Six Flags over Somewhere Really Flat and Boring, Fantasyland, Disneyland 2, Duff Gardens, Vekomaland, The Pleasure Dump and Grue Park. The majority of them are made out of steel, and given names like "Smegma" or "Mind Eraser" or "Deathmachine" or "That thing over there". People love to ride them, for the simple reason that prostitution was made illegal. They tend to generate long lines and vomit.

Roller coasters provide near death experience without actually dying. To achieve this the engineering team spend several minutes doing stress and strain graphs to ensure the safety of the riders depends on just one bolt. Statistically, roller coasters are very safe. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that 1.34 park guests required hospitalization per fortnight, and it is considered more dangerous driving to a theme park than riding coasters, especially if you travel in a French car.

Roller Coasters in the United Kingdom

A revolutionary idea to capture the thrills and excitement of the first roller coasters from the time before wheels were invented, has been embraced by Thorpe Park in Staines, London where they removed all the bearings from the wheels on a coaster named Colossus to give it that rough, poorly maintained feel. Oh, well, at least it's better than the crap you get in America. .:K.S.Q:.

Examples of Marketing Techniques

Park chains are always thinking up creative names for new rides, to encourage people to visit and ride them. Different park chains have different methods of naming their rides. Six Flags parks, for example, usually have ride names that contain a superhero name and one of more of the words 'escape', 'flight', 'ultimate', 'ride', and 'knight'. Disney coasters must be named after a mountain, and Cedar Fair rides names tend to end in "Hawk" or be very generic, with names like "Crypt", "Flight Deck" or "Station".

Different park chains also have different ways of theming their rides. Disney, for example, likes to have really expensive theming that most people do not notice, while Six Flags parks are happy with dropping the ride into a parking lot. Cedar Fair, however, themes their rides by placing many trash cans around the ride and in the station.

The world's largest coaster is Six Flags Great Adventure's "Kingda Ka Ka Ka Yea!" themed after Dr Rockzo. It simulates cocaine by shooting you at a speed of 130mph and making you ask for your life back before it shows you the top of the world and makes you face down your fear of clowns.

Mechanics

Roller Coaster at Six Flags

Being unpowered, the coaster needs some way to get up the first hill, assuming it has not eaten beans recently. The lift hill accomplishes this. It is simply a hill with a chain or rope that hooks onto the train and pulls it up the hill. In the South, lift hills can also be powered by a bunch of people pulling on a rope. Instead of using a lift hill, some coasters launch with the use of beans, linear induction motors, water, or hydraulics. Hydraulic launch coasters (like Kingda Ka Ka Ka Yeah! at Six Flags Walmart) launches the train at a high-speed in order to climb a giant penis. These rides often break down due to malnourishment of beans. A roller coaster will continue to run until it breaks. This is the purpose of a brake run. On some rides, the brake run is the best part of the ride, when decelerating from 100mph to zero in a fraction of a second.

Space Mountain operates without a blocking system.

Blocking

Blocking is a system that reduces the length of queues of people wanting to ride. Blocking refers to a ride operator blocking the entrance to the queue, preventing people from riding. He will take a load of verbal abuse and if he's lucky to survive the day will go home with $0.25, at the end of the week, for his family. Block Brakes refer to when the operator needs to take a lunch break and another operator has to cover the duty.

History

The idea of a roller coaster started out when cavemen discovered that they could get a thrill by riding on dinosaurs. A recreation of this ride still exists in the Jurassic Park section at Universal Studios. When the dinosaurs became extinct, cavemen consulted Arrow Dynamics, who then built the first real roller coaster. It consisted of a large drop down the hillside into a small loop. It was then that the concept of whiplash was invented, and this is still used today.

Roller coasters are very safe, as Fabio demonstrates

Alternative Theory

The roller coaster was invented on December 32nd, 1885 by John Roller Coaster, a railroad engineer from England. Some historians have suggested the French invented the coaster, but this was quickly dismissed as no one really likes the French. The idea for a multi-axis transport system was conceived after John had another uneventful trip to work on a steam train, thus the roller coaster was born. John set to work incorporating his ideas into the rail link to Waterloo station England he was designing. Unfortunately, the general public didn't believe the human body could handle the gravitation forces and many boycotted the new section of railroad track,that and the fact people didn't want to do a 360 degree inverted loop pulling 5.6G at 6am while trying to drink coffee. Many people were injured during the riding of the new coaster track due to inadequate safety belts on steam trains, but all was not lost: Alton Towers bought the track for its new theme park and renamed it The Corkscrew

As engineering progressed through the early 1900's, so did roller coaster design, and soon tall wooden structures appeared all around the world. Coaster fans started to notice exciting trouser movement occur during riding these thrilling rides so this type of coaster was nicknamed The Woody.

Most large roller coasters have the ability to run two or more trains at once. This, of course, is an improvement on the original design taken from Southwest Trains who to this day still have difficulties running a multi-train rail network.

Safety

People ride roller coasters because they are dangerous, yes they want to die. Roller coasters are often known as the suicidal ride. There are safety systems to give the illusion of safety. All the components of a coaster are controlled by a PLC (Pretty Large Computer) running Windows XP. If the PLC has a problem, the ride breaks down, and the operator needs to restart the ride (usually by hitting Control-Alt-Delete). Other controls that ride operators have include "Stall in loop", "Release restraints", and "Jump track". Safely signs are near then entrance to every coaster stating if you are drunk, high on kittens or are too short, to bypass the experience of riding on the roller coaster. This is the main reason there are no theme parks in Scotland.

Wooden coasters are engineered to precise specifications. This coaster ran almost flawlessly until it collapsed in late 2006.

Types of coasters that you should think twice about riding

There are three types of roller coasters: Wood, Steel, and Plastic.

• Wooden roller coasters are really old, and will probably fall apart. They don't normally have loops, but the general public is not aware of this. One notable exception is Son of Son of Beast the Zoominator. Types of wood include Popsicle sticks, Lincoln Logs, and Douglas Fir. The world's longest wooden roller coaster, the Beast, is currently being eaten by the world's longest termites.
• Steely Dan These coasters tend to go upside down or be really big.
• Plastic coasters were developed by CCI in 1492, and are regarded as the worst ever built. All of them were blown up when CCI died. Plastic coasters have recently been revived by Knex.
• X - These roller coasters are for adults only and contain pornography so kids can't legally ride. If anyone is caught putting their kids on an X roller coaster, they can be charged with a life sentence in prison that includes a guy about ready to have anal sex with their fellow cellmate.

Rider Experience

• Stand-up - A stand-up coaster is one that actually stands up. Unfortunately, the seating makes it difficult for males to ride comfortably.
• Inverted - Inverted coasters complete the course with the trains dangling along in full view. They were originally invented during the French Revolution as more fun alternative to the guillotine, but were abandoned shortly after the inventor was decapitated while retrieving his hat from underneath one after an execution. DO NOT LET ONE STRIP.
• Floorless - Floorless coasters have no floor. They are sometimes built over water or in outer space where a floor is not necessary. Not to be confused with flawless (perfect) coasters.
• Pipeline - A pipeline coaster is like Space Mountain on a log flume with the exception that you go through a very small drainpipe, and into the sewer. The ride is built in a sewer system complete with foul smelling water. Not to be confused with Wild Mouse roller coasters.
• Hyper - A hyper coaster is big, tall, non-looping, and forgot to take Ritalin this morning. Do not provoke it.
• Liquid - The first Water Coaster opened at Six Flags New Orleans in August 2005. Since then, designers have designed coasters that use other types of liquid, including beer and urine.

Height Specific

Some coasters are categorized by their height.

• Hypocoaster - Any coaster that is less than 2 feet tall
• Kilocoaster - Over 100 feet tall
• Hypercoaster - A coaster that is more than 200 feet tall
• Megacoaster - Any coaster that is more than 200 feet tall
• Gigacoaster - Any coaster more than 300 feet tall
• Stratacoaster - Any coaster more than 400 feet tall
• Stratacaster - A guitar manufactured by Fender
• Terracoaster - Any coaster more than 500 feet tall
• Petacoaster - Coaster 500 + feet tall
• Exacoaster - Coaster 600 + feet tall
• Killa - coaster - A coaster so tall many are at risk of death

Hypercoasters

The Americans, always wanting to go bigger and faster, invented the hypercoaster. The first of its kind (Xcelerator at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, California) reached 1.26566 vertical miles and a launch speed of 0-Mach 2 in 2.6 seconds. This started a race to see who could make a faster, higher ride. Not being out done by the Yanks, Thorpe Park in Staines, England started constructing a world record beater. Unfortunately, they employed aerospace engineers to design and construct the ride. 20 years later, at the grand opening of Stealth, a small child pointed out to the excited theme park owners that in fact it was the smallest and slowest hyper coaster in the world as the highly trained engineers had mis-read the scale and constructed a 46m high ride instead of a 4.6-mile high ride. Stealth can still be seen being repaired on a daily basis from the M25 with a powerful telescope. Contrary to all this, Stealth is a very good ride, reaching heights of 62 metres (205 ft), speeds of 80mph, and is an amazing ride, from a certain point of view.

Track Design

• Bobsled roller coaster - A roller coaster made of ice, comes in many different fruity flavors!
• Racing Coaster - A roller coaster that has two parallel track runs in which two trains run side by side and appear to be racing, though this is only an illusion. Many injuries have occurred as a result of riders attempting to slap riders in the other train.
• Dueling roller coaster - An offbeat version of a racing coaster, but this one is designed the the trains pass each other in a head-on configuration. Riders tend to get injured by the collisions between the two rides.
• Figure 8 roller coaster - Track follows a figure 8 pattern, which led to the inspiration of the "Figure 69 Coaster"
• Moebius Roller coaster - A roller coaster, which when cut in half becomes twice as long. [1]
• Out and Back roller coaster - The train goes out, turns around and comes back to the station. Typical of older style Camel-Hump style coasters (though many riders state that they never got to hump a camel while riding them), but they can also be steel.
• Double Out and Back - Two out and back coasters joined together.
• Triple Out and Back - Three out and back coasters joined together.
• Shuttle roller coaster - A roller coaster that doesn't have a complete track, allowing the train to fly off if it is launched too fast
• Side friction roller coaster - A roller coaster that does not have wheels
• Spinning roller coaster - A roller coaster that is mounted on a slowly revolving platform, similar in principle to a revolving restaurant.
• Suspended roller coaster - A coaster that screwed up too many times. If it does one more bad thing, it will be expelled.
• Twister roller coaster - A roller coaster after a tornado hits it
• Wild Mouse roller coaster - A roller coaster that is themed to rodents
• Corkscrew roller coaster - A roller coaster that opens wine bottles.
• Waterwing roller coaster - A coaster that is learning to swim. Not to be confused with Aquatrax.

Manufacturers

Arrow Dynamics

Instead of using complicated mathematics and expensive computers, Arrow rides are designed using coathangers.

Arrow invented the roller coaster. Their arsenal includes such amazing rides like Screw Coaster at Nara Dreamland, Matterhorn, and RC Cola Big One (innovative in that it was the world's first soft drink themed coaster.) Arrow was also innovative in that it used coat hangers to design track layouts. Arrow also invented the concept of headbanging, and has licensed the technology to TOGO and Vekoma. Unable to keep up with competition from Vekoma, Arrow declared bankruptcy and was later bought out by the Splinters & Steel (S&S) company. Before the bankruptcy, Arrow went out with a "blow" out by introducing X*3^64 [2], the worlds first 64th Dimensional Roller Coaster. Arrow's rides have also been used in South Carolinan prisons as a replacement for lethal injection. Though, that has been replaced recently with watching the ladies of "The View" rub each other with lotion while the blonde one talks about Hello Kitty being sexist and how she wants to smother it with gravy. The former president of Arrow commented on the closing of the company with, "Please don't bother me while I'm eating my Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

Bolliger and Mabillard

B&M started out in the monorail business, and this is reflected in their design. Rides include Batman - The Water Ride at Six Flags New Orleans and Scam at Six Flags Magic Mountain (notorious for its innovative parking lot theming)[3]. B&M divorced from Intamin AG (we are not sure why, but it might have to do with loss of sex) in 1984 and went on to one-up Intamin farting coasters with B&M roaring coasters. Some of their coasters have their mouths stuffed full of sand to keep them from roaring. Almost all B&M coasters seat four people in each row, so that the train looks shorter to reflect their penis size.

Custom Coasters International

CCI doesn't exist anymore. CCI was one of the greatest wooden coaster design firms on Earth. They designed greats such as Tremors at Silver Woodie Theme Park and Boulder Dash at Lake Comcast. However, they did build shitty coasters as well, like the infamous Thunder Challenge Racer Express Thrill Ride Adventure Coaster at McDonaldland Amusement Park. However, this is the park's fault, not CCI's.

Gerstlauer

Gerstlauer was founded in 1945 by a douchebag in Northern Europe who named his company Gerstlauer just so that no one can spell or pronounce it. Years before, he went on a journey to find out what a clitoris is and maybe buy some groceries, too. On his journey he discovered how to make painful torture devices that he would later convert into wooden coaster trains. He also learn from a Native America tribe in Mexico how to make rides have great, steep drops and be boring as shit after that.

Giovanola

Giovanola takes advantage of B&M's lack of copyright laws. In order to give their lawyers evidence that they didn't actually copy B&M, they put little steel poles on the track that work as pointless ladders. Also they copy Intamin's trains.

Gravity Group

These people came from CCI and started building woodies again. While GCI makes rides that look twisted and badass, GG makes rides that are badass. A few tricks they do: 90 degree banking, turns banked the wrong way, hills that are designed to crush your nuts into the restraints, and something else that wasn't that important, otherwise I would have remembered it.

Great Coasters International

Great Coasters International (GCI) left CCI in 1997. For possible reason, see Sex, loss of. Anyway, they started creating wooden coasters by a proprietary technique, which makes the rides look like a tornado hit them. GCI also invented the Millennium Flyer trains, although they don't actually fly and last longer than a millennium.

Intamin

Balder is a good example of a farting coaster

Intamin rides kill innocent birds too!

Intamin rides do not kill people. They are dangerous though (especially when the restraints fail due to the rider being "of exceptional size") and therefore people flock to ride them. Intamin was innovative in creating their unique farting wooden coasters and creating the Top Thrill Phallus rocket coaster. Intamin's roller coasters all carry the Intamin Curse, which makes them brake down from a week to two months every two months. Disney Intamins are an exception to this curse, since they are boring, have no new technology and are run by Nazis. Though Intamin's coasters are known for the highest death rate in the amusement business, they are most pleasing to guests, as they simulate a strip club while riding and thus, make you "wet your pants"... then you fall out. Intamin is also the catalyst to stupid Intamin vs. B&M threads on coaster forums that go nowhere real fast after the 5th post. They are also known for El Toro, the number one masturbatory tool amongst coaster enthusiasts (second most used is Chap Stick).

Mack

They have an intense zig-zag fetish. One day while Mack van Germanperson was toasting some Toaster Stroodles, he developed a raging hard-on that could only be cured with pictures of orgasmic zig-zags. He then dedicated the rest of his life to building zig-zagging Wild Mice rides and looking for vulnerable teens to cam with on teen forums and chat rooms. Today, they have an entire park in Germanyland called Europa Park, which is their bitch. In other words, Mack uses the park to showcase their shitty, redundant rides and in return Europa Park puts on some make-up, wears something tight, rents a hotel room and shows Mack a real good time. But over the years, Europa Park hasn't been completely faithful to Mack. In 2001, Europa Park was alone at a bar and got hammered. Then Bolliger and Mabillard walk in and decide to take advantage of the drunk park lying on floor covered in beer and her own urine. Then, 9 months later on March 23, 2002, Silver Star was born.

Maurer Söhne

Maurer Söhne is mainly influenced by Intamin. Their X-rated cars seat 2-a-row and have 3 rows. In every row, a hooker sits in the right seat while pornographic audio is played through a "3 dimensional" stereo system (to simulate sex perfectly) and small TV screens play Hentai porn infront of every seat. Their innovative lapbars, also influenced by Intamin, crush and break the riders hip but firmly hold them in place, to give the rider a better view. Paramedics await at the exit of every ride. Every other month, the restraints open mid-ride to winning guests.

Their spinning coaster models are shunned by Intamin and Mack. Mack, because it steals their wild mouse thunder, and Intamin for a safe restraint system. Maurer Söhne makes Turtle Trains, which are spinning cars themed to the shells of turtles. Zombie Boys highly rank this ride and continue to say "I like turtles" when asked about the ride or their face paint.

Pinfari

Pinfari was a manufacturer that put out many Zyklon rides. They tried to make big mean looking coasters but were only able to produce little dinky dick coasters. In 2007, Pinfari attempted to build a 5,302 foot 'OmegaCoaster' but failed miserably after head designer Giuseppe Franco decided to quit the business and turn to hair products for men.

Rocky Mountain Construction

Rocky Mountain Construction, also known as RMC, is widely regarded as the greatest coaster manufacturer of all time. They take old, crappy wooden coasters and plop steel track on top of them to turn them into hybrids. Every single coaster they've ever built is amazing. Notable coasters include New Texas Giant, Outlaw Run, Wildfire, Steel Vengeance, Iron Rattler, Twisted Colossus, Twisted Timbers, Medusa Steel Coaster, and many more.

On July 19, 2013, a woman died from falling off New Texas Giant, but it turns out she never had her restraints on properly. RMC's coasters are so good that people ended up forgiving the manufacturer anyway due to the quality of their work.

Schwarzkopf

Schwarzkopf rides have lots of loops and simple restraints. As a result, people tend to fall out and Schwarzkopf rides are no longer being built. Schwarzkopf also builds portable roller coasters. Some are so portable that people have managed to smuggle them onto planes. Notable portable coasters include Viper, King Kobra, Slitherin', and Ripper, which leaves riders with ripped underpants after disembarking. Schwarzkopf no longer makes roller coasters, instead concentrating on the hair product business, though their presence is still seen on large billboards at numerous Six Flags parks. Unfortunately, Schwarzkopf is no longer in business. The company closed for good and owner, Anton Schwarzkopf, died from Parkinson's disease a few years later.

S&S Power

S&S took over Arrow after making a deal with Arrow stating they would make rides with amazing potential, however only make one every 15 years. They apply Arrows revolutionary breaking system on all their coasters, such as Hypersonic XLC's notorious break run, infamous for being a quiet, smooth and graceful ending to a ride lasting almost a whole 2.3 seconds! S&S also revolutionized ride capacity on Hypersonic, ensuring quick lines and customer satisfaction. S&S was working on the fastest roller coaster ever that races against F1 race cars at the Nurb... Nurburguh... Nurbugerking race course in Germany. It features side-by-side racing action with the F1 cars and experiences realistic crashes. The ride is named "Das Doodle Shnoodle", German for "The Cunt Puncher".

TOGO

In return for dropping the atomic bomb, Japan burst onto the scene with TOGO. Their Manhattan Express roller coaster in Las Vegas tries to imitate the Las Vegas Experience by luring you with hot looks, raping you and beating the shit of you, and leaving you not remembering what happened then asking for money afterwards. They are notable for creating wooden coasters out of chopsticks. In Japan, TOGO rides are smooth as glass. In America, they are smooth as broken glass.

Vekoma

A Vekoma roller coaster

Vekoma produces smooth running unique rides such as the Boomerang, Boomerang - Coast to Coaster, Le Boomerang and Zoomerang. Perhaps their most innovative creation is the "box coaster"[4] (see right). Vekoma is also notorious for about 2,000,000 rides called SLCs (Sudden Loss of Consciousness), which are all actually the same ride, but are named differently to confuse the small-town hicks which these rides are built for. Though recently, their rides have improved after they decided to change their restraints from over-the-shoulder-harnesses to a single anal dildo restraint. It has been very successful in Neverland Ranch and parks in China and will be incorporated into Six Flags Magic Mountain's 2010 coaster, Gay Rape Ass Fucker: The Ride, which will debut in their "Wiggle's World" section.

Zier

This company is not well know from being in a comma from making rides no one knows about. There only know coaster is at some park in the middle of the dessert and can only be seen if you have a mirage. The Tower Coaster it is called generally is launched up a giant penis like tower which then creates sperm which flows out of the penis while dropping down the vertical part of the hill. These coasters go upside down and rape you with their lap bar restraints.

Parts of a Coaster

• The Lift Hill - Being unpowered, a coaster needs some way to get up the first hill, assuming it has not eaten beans recently. This is accomplished by attaching a chain to the train and pulling it up.
• The First Drop - The first drop usually occurs right after the lift hill and is where the train gathers speed and converts potential energy (in the form of donuts) into kinetic energy. The first drop is usually the biggest. The more ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) members on the train, the more potential energy is available.
• Hills - A hill is a piece of track that goes up, then down. Even bigger hills are called mountains, and some coasters even have valleys too. It usually delivers airtime, which is defined as "time you are in the air." It is a common element on coasters, except most riders are unaware of it because they are too busy bashing their heads on the restraint. Hills with airtime are also the number one cause of oversized vaginas in America (second in Canada to whoriness.)
• Loop - A piece of track that goes upside down. It is also known by the General Public as a "loop dee loop." This is derogatory and if anyone near you says "loop dee loop", please hit them. If a coaster gets stuck, it's usually in the loop and everyone falls out due to a major flaw in a ride's engineering that Nobody tried to fix..
• Corkscrew - A smaller loop that looks like a corkscrew if you are high. It is also the name of an Arrow design featuring two of them. A good example of a corkscrew is Screw Coaster
• Boomerang - A wacko loop that looks like a loop and a corkscrew or an inverse cobra roll. A Boomerang is also a type of coaster that goes backwards and forwards (as it does not have enough kinetic energy to complete the course), leaving the riders stranded upside-down.
• Cobra Roll - Looks like a cobra if you are drunk. It was invented by Oscar Wilde. Some people mistake them for Boomerangs
• Batwing - First found on Batman - The Ride (hence the name), the Batwing is similar to a Boomerang element
• Incline Loop - A loop that is too drunk to stand up straight. First invented when engineers at Arrow tried to build a regular loop and it tipped over.
• Helix - A loop that is having a nap. According to Six Flags, any ride with a helix is, in fact, a looping coaster. Also invented by Arrow, who made an engineering error when attempting to build an incline loop.
• In-line twist - The track rolls over while going in a straight line. Much like a dog, however the roller coaster doesn't get a treat.
• Zero-G Roll - A turn that has no gangsters on it whatsoever.
• Barrel Roll - The train, upon entering this element, turns into a keg of beer, rolls over once, and then turns back into a train, hence the name. They usually don't do this anymore because treats were not forthcoming.
• Bowtie - This element was created by French scientists who thought this resembled a bow tie, and is today only used by Arrow to attract ACE members, as it actually resembles a pretzel.
• Killermatic (of) 3000 - This attachment is only some special rollercoasters and has had special appearances on TV in When Rollercoasters Attack, When Magicians Don't Escape From The Track On Time and might have been the cause of the famous 'Joseph 'Crashstarter' Henshaw's Crashermatic with new Killermatic (of) 3000 for added death'.
• Station Attendants - They're what staple you in, scream in your ear and make the ride crash; go ahead, give them the finger next time they reach for your crotch with a de-manitizer (a.k.a. lapbar). Beware of them, though. They'll try to rape you as they check your restraints.
• Whore in the back seat - That little bitch who will constantly find it funny to scream as loud as she can. But she was kind of cute...

Coaster Enthusiasts

For the weathered coaster enthusiast, his or her coaster count is a virtual extension of their penis. The larger the coaster count, the more vehement their online dick

"Yeah, see that ride back there? I know. I just came."

Some people are crazy enough to actually enjoy roller coasters. These people are called roller coaster enthusiasts, or Dainan Rafferty fanboys and are all male. One such group of these people is the American Coaster Enthusiasts. Not only do they love coasters, but they also love gravy and all-you-can-eat buffets, though their ultimate fantasy is a gravy buffet. ACE Members are also known to suffer from prolonged periods of virginity, oftentimes extending into their 40's or 50's. Some speculate this phenomenon is a result of the fanny packs that typically adorn their crotch-regions (or possibly the fact that they have overwhelming B.O. and their breath smells like farts), effectively blocking any sexual advances that may *miraculously* occur. ACE Members are also very likely to have oversized vaginas (see above), obesity, and "fun sized" penises. Famous enthusiasts include Buddha, Fabio, Aerosmith, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jesus, Santa, Suddam Hussein, that one gay guy from the coaster site, Jacob Erle, and my invisible friend, Señorita Choco Taco.

Andy Hine, the chairman of the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain, greets his fellow enthusiasts with the Roller Coaster Handshake.

And don't forget Don Helbig. That guy is a legend.

Fo real.

The Credit System

For coaster enthusiasts, every roller coaster counts as "credit". Even clones. Roller coaster enthusiasts count their credits in precise excel documents. It is not uncommon for enthusiasts to fly halfway around the world to ride a new kiddie coaster, only to be denied riding because he was too fat.

Coaster Enthusiast Online Community

If you find yourself on a roller coaster enthusiast forum, you will notice a few important details. The first is that the majority of posts consist of virulent bitching about certain park chains and/or airtime on roller coasters, (see: RCpro.com). The second is that a startling number of coaster enthusiasts are creepy as hell. In fact, several descend from long lines of child molesters, naturally being drawn to venues where children of all shapes and sizes congregate in hopes of merriment. If you choose to be in the company of such enthusiasts, be warned: your anus is at extreme risk of penetration. One can easily repel such creepy enthusiasts by simply reaching your 18th birthday, at which time they usually lose total interest. Beware of the Man at Right, he will steal your childhood. He will also eat your babies, and if you don't have babies it is because he ate them (but not before raping their tiny buttholes), and he also likes porn, and coaster butt rape. He is also known to invite other "coaster enthusiasts" to his house to drug them and then perform sexual acts on them. In the summer of 2011, the Coaster Enthusiast meme made its debut. The meme features a 30-something year old loser wearing swim goggles in the queue line of Intimidator 305.

It is also known for most coaster enthusiasts to be part Jewish in some way. From being full Jewish to having a Jew in your family twice removed to the third power of X*3^64 from Six Flags Magic Mountain. So yes, you're a Jew.

See also

• Notable roller coasters