Airplanes were invented by J. Troy Gray after the debut of the 1954 film Airplane! They are magical floating devices which are designed to crash and burn, widely used by wealthy Americans and Japanese businessmen as a form of transportation when teleporters are unavailable. The modern airplane has one of the best safety records of any form of transportation, with merely 1,000,000 airline calamities last year, though they still have to find the planes that vanished in the Bermuda Triangle.
To keep airplanes light, the aluminum skin is quite thin. The industry prevents dents, when you see so many on stronger steel car skins, because many car owners just don't care about appearances, and are super lazy and ignorant too. However, people with airplanes actually give a crap about their investments.
Throughout history, many people such as the Greeks, the Chinese, the Woodland Fairies, the Oompa-Loompas, and the Minnesota Vikings were thought to have had various success in building flying machines that flung victims to their deaths. The renowned Italian renaissance team of the Wright brothers from Dayton, Ohio, succeeded in building one such contraption, the SR-71 Blackbird - mostly to escape Dayton, Ohio, for obvious reasons. However, a controlled, economical way to waste billions of dollars getting somewhere late without all your luggage intact still eluded the best minds of the day. It was not until Orville Redenbacher and his brother Wilbur came on the scene in the early 20th century that such flight became possible.
The airplane's only known natural predator is the Helicopter. These two machines have been fighting a hidden war that has lasted since the start of time and is driven by Aliens that come to earth on meteors. At night when there is no bloody idiot wandering around a airport they can be heard fighting up to 234,000,000 miles away and have been known to cause earthquakes, tsunamis and Michael Jackson conventions.
The first airplane ever designed was a goose injected with rocket fuel. Every time it farted, the pilot went quite a distance. This design was neglected for centuries until 1857, when Swiss Capitaine Jean-Jacques Péteur Lebrun was recorded with the first successful flight, traveling a distance of 3,189 meters on one can of beans. He then attempted to invent the afterburner with the use of a lighted candle and was never seen again.
The first "true" airplane was invented a long, long, time ago, by some guy who lived in a place which is now Greece. Just like the first one, it didn't have engines; it was made out of wood and wood alone. In contrast to the first airplane, though, this boat...err...plane had a framework, and was not simply a huge square winged platform made out of cheap logs bound together by pieces of duct tape.
This "true airplane" was later improved by some sky-faring merchant creeps called "Phoenicians" (known to the Greeks as "Phonies"). These Phoenician guys attached to it an emperor-size bed sheet called a "sail", which hung on a pole called a "mast". With this, the plane was powered not anymore by mere human force (which gets worn out very quickly) but instead by the wind. The bad news is that, if the wind stopped blowing when the plane was airborne, that would spell certain doom.
Meanwhile, the environment-conscious Indians and Eskimos learned to conserve nature by using animal skins instead of wood in building their aircraft. This proved to be very handy because it made their airplanes small in size and lightweight. Problem is, they were powered by huge spoons called oars which were tiring to use.
Eventually, in the 1800s, with the development of the steam engine, came the steam plane. With the help of steam, planes were able to fly with neither oars nor wind, and were able to fly until all the water evaporated and the plane crashed to the ground. This also allowed metallic planes to fly.
Steam was later abandoned with the invention of the electric fan. By attaching one of these to an airplane, the Wright brothers (Orville and Wilbur Wright) made the first powered flight recorded in history.
The modern airplane as we now fear it, however, started off as a joint business venture between Microsoft and Satan back in 1987 as a more efficient way to frustrate human souls into a state of resigned supplication. But, with the unraveling of their dealings (along with their soured romance) back in 1996 (Satan claimed Gates was too profit-oriented), the airline industry became unregulated, and Microsoft had to find some other way to wreak havoc.
How They Work
based on the principle that "what goes up must come down". The idea being, of course, since an airplane takes off, it must also land. This works out perfectly, as people must get on/off "planes", as they're called for short. George Bush Junior however severely discredits this theory as no-one has ever seen him get on a plane; therefore we must assume that there is another man that dangerously stupid who lives inside the plane, gets off in foreign (a.k.a. terrorist) countries and is shot when discussions end. For more information see George Bush and Terrorism.
As any pilot will tell you, the primary force that makes a plane fly is money. Even small planes require money to fly, as it makes the propellers turn, which in turn makes the wings generate lift. The more money one has, the higher and faster one can go. This force is countered by the forces of drag and gravity The force of gravity can be reduced by harnessing the energy produced by the reaction of highly toxic "peanuts" within the stomachs of passengers. The reaction it causes with the acid and the lining of the stomach causes many passengers to produce a noxious gas that indeed helps the plane remain aloft. In the old days, airlines would also offer carbonated beverages, as a catalyst in the reaction to further increase the production of gases, and the increased lift, necessary for flight. Most passengers are advised to listen intently to the Mel Gibson movie as they watch it, to ignore their lofting, deafening flatus.
Any excess of gases thus produced are channeled through the seat bottom to the engine for additional thrust, not unlike the afterburners in use on many modern military jets. However, the seats are prone to thrusting dildos up unsuspecting pilots' arses.
When airplanes get to one mile high, they mate and multiply readily - biplanes with both helicopters and other airplanes, and triplanes are anyone's. Jets are freaks in the aero world; they also eat each others' naked bodies.
No one truly understands the complexity of aircraft; although there are many theories, very few have been confirmed as facts. Recently acquired evidence has many scientists, engineers, and aviation enthusiasts around the globe debating the possibility that aircraft reproduce in ways very similar to humans and animals. The results of which can be quite bizarre, such as triplanes and 'flying boats'.
Jetlag is a special condition connected with flight and flight only. A person afflicted by jetlag will be extremely tired. After a couple of days the tiredness will diminish and be replaced by a blind monkey with a broken leg constantly beating your head with a lead pipe (sometimes a Churro). A great deal of scientific research has been directed to the study of jetlag. It has been discovered that jetlag is caused by Oompaloompas living in the luggage compartments of most modern aircraft, and they usually come out and sing - mostly annoying hip-hop songs and things that would otherwise make your ears bleed. Like most dwarves, the jolly dwarfs causing jetlag are magical beings with abilities to create fireballs, lightning bolts and crabs. Anyway, jetlag can be avoided by consumption of large amounts of anti-depressants and/or Vicodon. It is speculated by top-of-the-line scientists that the monkey and/or chlamydia is actually caused by actions committed at the flight destinations (especially to the moon or Atlantis) and not the jolly dwarfs. Why the dwarfs are jolly cannot even be speculated (though many scientists will reason they are GAY).
Things to Avoid
- Objects When about to land, plenty of runway behind you; when landing, all of the dirt and ground above you; tornadoes; volcanoes; meteors; lightning; the Sun; helicopters; skyscrapers; hemorrhoids; the Bermuda Triangle; the Death Star; other airplanes in the air (goes without saying, really, but one can't be too careful)
- People Gypsies selling 'lucky heather'; the chief pilot just before take off; an airline pilot you recognise from school last year; flight attendants with attitude; air pirates
- Sitting next to Very fat people; someone with swine flu; a whining kid; any of your exes; an insurance salesman
- Sitting in front of A seat kicker; a fan of Oscar Wilde
- Other Anything advertised as 'budget'
The Black Box
Made of hardened human skulls, the "black box" (it's actually orange but airlines don't say that since it could start a mass panic) is the piece of equipment that records important flight data, such as how many times the toilet is flushed, how many kids Michael Jackson has raped and whether the inflight magazines were stolen from the seat pocket in front of you and if not the Skymall magazine was used for anything besides toilet paper. Some people think that the black box is used for useful stuff, but it isn't. Not really. But you can believe it if you want.
The black box ALWAYS survives plane crashes, so the young dragons that live inside it can claim all the luggage of the deceased. It's a lucrative business that's lovingly called "The (Luggage) Strap Market" by noted aviation industrialists Willie Nelson and Charles Lindberg.
It has been suggested that, if planes were made out of black box material, they would always survive crashes too. But, as planes are made by the people who sell planes, survivability is not a desirable attribute in the eyes of the plane makers as it decreases the likelihood of customers buying more aircraft to replace bent and mangled ones.
Airplanes: Not Just for Flying Any More
Although airplanes are most commonly used for transportation, they have many other valuable uses in today's world. Airplanes are so multifunctional that they have even been suggested as replacements for the Swiss Army Knives carried by none other than the French Navy. Airplanes can even be used to carve your Thanksgiving turkey (although this only works once).
Humans and ants are not the only species that make war on each other. The airplane has waged many destructive conflicts throughout history. Various airplane factions have been allied with one side or another in many major human wars over the last 100 years.
The first airplane specially bred for battle was the Fukker DR1. This plane was happy to slaughter the indigenous air species of France in return for a tankful of good German beer. It was eventually neutralized by Allied planes such as the Spaz VII.
The Second World War involved the airplane factions to such an extent that even normally fat, sedentary individuals were called to service. These fat planes were used for hauling cargo if male, and the females were sent to drop their explosive eggs on the enemy. Special human-designed breeding programs produced agile fighters with vicious machine guns and shark teeth.
The successful modeling of DNA, which was attributed to Watson and Crick but had actually been done during the war by German biologists, led to new advances in airplane breeding that culminated in the jet subspecies. Planes became faster, deadlier, and more agile than ever before. Aeronautical genetic engineering is a multi-billion dollar industry in many nations and is usually considered classified as a matter of national security.
Hanger Badgers are known to dwell in large numbers around aircraft hangers, tending to like the oil, shiny things and people with too much money. In some parts of southern England, up to 9,000 Hanger Badgers have been found at one private airfield. These animals, although cute and cuddly (so cute that you just want to hug them) are NOT and are well known for either ripping your eyes out or stealing your seat at the bar.
Like Global Warming, some people do not believe in these deadly creatures, which have been reported to grow up to 12 feet tall and own time-share apartments in Alicante but never clean up after going (which is a real pain in the backside). Anyways, minor ex-vice presidents like Al Gore have given many slideshows that make it look like he has done all the work (when really a Korean has) to smart-looking people in important places such as China and Prestatyn. Still nobody believes a word he says.
Hanger Badgers have been linked to the death of the Big Bopper, the disappearance of Amelia Earhart and a shitload of other bad things.