Air Zimbabwe
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What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? |
“This airline is the Qantas of Africa”
Air Zimbabwe is the flagship national airline of Africa's most pleasant country, Zimbabwe. It is known as Zimbabwe's finest airline due to having the highest safety standards of any airline in said nation (recording an average of 900a small number of deaths a week). Despite the terriblesuperb safety record, Air Zimbabwe is also famous for a 95% rate of passengers boarding for the purpose of suicide. But everyone knows that's Western propaganda, surely??
The vast majority of Air Zimbabwe aircraft take off with nofuel, with the world's worst finest pilots praying to god they will somehow make it to the airportsipping cocktails and talking to each other while the crappyworld class autopilot does all the work.
Air Zimbabwe; "Panowuya imwe nguva yamunoda kukandwa zvinotyisa kupfura mudenga muhure yesimbi inofamba nemoto inoputika; fungai isusu." (next time you want to hurtle through the skies in a pressurized metal tube powered by exploding fuel; think of us).
Fleet[edit]
Air Zimbabwe's fleet comprises of 3 drunk flying pigs and a wet fish.
In detail, the fleet consists of 3, heavily damaged, Boeing 707 that run in one-tenth of of the total fuel capacity per trip.
The 'wet fish' is the greatest plane in Air Zimbabwe's history, and probably the whole world. It has endured 3 shots of stinger missiles and a 15 mile marathon while under fire by imperialist AA guns. Because of the plane's proud, enduring flight, it has not been repaired. Ever.
Welcome[edit]
Air Zimbabwe, among other things is famous for its welcome to its passengers. This is a traditional welcome used by pilots before take off:
| “ | Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Air Zimbabwe. This is your captain Tobias Wilcox welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Zimbabwe from Gatwick, London. We apologize for the 4 week delay, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.
This is flight RM1980 to Harare. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we might end up somewhere in Zimbabwe. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your hotel. Air Zimbabwe has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that terrorists refuse to fly with us. It is with pleasure, I am pleased to announce that over 30% of our passengers reached their destination within this year. Our extremely powerful engines may become too noisy for you. Of course, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary PG Tipps and Wagon Wheels. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God. We regret to inform you that today's advertised in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to tape The Wizard of Oz on ZBC last night. Smoking is permitted. You may occasionally see smoke outside of the airplane, do not be alarmed as this is merely our engine's early warning system. Should the early warning system activate whilst we are still on the tarmac, no problem, it's just warning me especially early to be safe. If you notice the plane doing somersaults, once again do not be alarmed as I will be back in the cockpit as soon as the drinks are served. For your viewing pleasure, we try to fly as close as possible to all Landmarks across the continent. Admittedly this resulted in the deaths of 58 last week but we have since renewed our policies and no longer allow Americans over the weight of 200lbs to fly, as this tends to destabilize the aircraft. Please inform you stewardess if we are flying too close for your liking and tranquilizer will be freely supplied to you. Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. If you do not have a belt or can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to the floor |
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Good day and thank you for flying Air Zimbabwe.
In flight extras[edit]
Are not available, since the currency required to pay for them would destabilise the aircraft. This is all the fault of the British, who exercise absolute power in Zimbabwe and It Has Nothing At All To Do With The Government.
In the event of an emergency[edit]
Please make your way at extreme velocity to the front of the aircraft (or section thereof). If you are unable to do so, distribute your body parts at wide intervals to make it easier for search & rescue personnel to locate and identify you.
Your seat base contains a life jacket, and your seat cushion may be used a a flotation device if you know how to float. And have a seat cushion. Or a seat, for that matter.
Thank you for flying Air Zimbabwe, and we hope you survive your flight.