Very, very small helicopter

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A very, very small helicopter landing on a pebble. Helicopter is actual size.

A very, very small helicopter is, in effect, a much larger helicopter that has gone through some sort of shrinking process. Broadly speaking, in order to be empirically described as 'very, very small' a helicopter would have to measure less than two inches from nose to tail. This may seem quite large for something being described as 'very, very small' but the extremely large size of so-called 'normal' helicopters must be taken into account.

The Physical Nature of Very, Very Small Helicopters[edit]

In every way apart from size, a very, very small helicopter is identical to the sort of helicopter usually described as 'normal'. However, since very, very small helicopters are so small, many of the mechanical processes that allow a ‘normal’ helicopter to function cannot be reduced. The solution to this is a process called 'Mechanical Shrinkage Gnome Replacement Technology' which is a common feature of most domestic shrinking equipment.

Using Your Very, Very Small Helicopters[edit]

The uses of the very, very small helicopter are too numerous to list in full. However, before becoming carried away with excitement at the new world at the feet of the very, very small helicopter owner, one must first consider the problem of the size discrepancy between the helicopter and its prospective pilot. It must be noted that many have failed to consider the logistics of shrinking oneself in order to fit inside a very, very small helicopter and, upon completing their frolics have returned to find themselves unable to return to normal size. Before shrinking yourself and entering your very, very small helicopter ensure someone knows where you are going and that the relevant enlarging devices are ready for your return and easily accessible at your reduced stature. I cannot enough stress the importance of fulfilling this simple task before enjoying your very, very small helicopter.

Once you are adequately prepared for departure, the possibilities of your very, very small helicopter are endless. You could use it to make money by scouting the Democratic Republic of Sunshine Mediocrity for any suspicious tunnels for the British government; aid international peace efforts by removing the guns of soldiers in battle; substantiate UFO sightings by appearing above small American towns; mutilate birds and other flying creatures with sharpened rotor blades and many other fun activities - your own imagination is the only limiting factor.

The Ethical Implications of Very, Very Small Helicopters[edit]

While owning a very, very small helicopter is a lot of fun, it also carries a grave responsibility. Few people have ever had the pleasure of very, very small helicopter ownership. Among them such great names as Mahatma Ghandi, Paul Merton, Queen Victoria and the last 11 Archbishops of Canterbury. Being a member of this elite group instils one with a responsibility to all humankind to use one's very, very small helicopter for ethically sound purposes.

The gravest example is U.S. General Mistake, who piloted a very, very small helicopter during the Gulf War. Because of the very, very smallness of the very, very small helicopter, he didn't get any further than the Gulf of Mexico. This resulted in him killing a swampfull of innocent cuban wannabees.

Accusations of being the Devil[edit]

Unlike its larger cousin, the helicopter, the very, very small helicopter is not the Devil and is perfectly safe to use. Also, the very, very small helicopter is safe to use with snakes.

See also[edit]